Posted by Racer on December 4, 2003, at 17:02:32
Actually, I'm starting to recover now, FINALLY. Feeling almost human, hardly ever feeling *really* lousy, almost thinking I might live past 40. Y'all know what that means, right?
FALLOUT!!!
Now to start trying to rebuild whatever remains of my life. That's the hardest thing for me, so here I am, waiting to see who's got my back. Let's see, about half my hair has fallen out, I have an almost constant low-grade headache, and I have lost almost 30 pounds. I do know the answers -- that's right, "Racer knows *all* the answers, just ask her, she'll be the first to admit it..." -- one step at a time. Baby steps. The problem is, when all hell has broken loose, when the walls have caved in, etc, which is the first step? I'm trying to put the weight back on, telling myself I'll feel better and stop worrying about it if I can get another ten pounds on. That's my short term goal, right now, ten pounds.
Problem, of course, is that while I'm promising myself to work on getting the weight on, I'm also aware of an ambivalence about it. Part of me is back to trying to keep this ten pounds off, AND lose more. I'm worried about that, since the last thing I need right now is another go round with my old friend anorexia, but I'm never sure when it starts if it's anorexia, or normal. That's one of those things about eating disorders, for me at least: when I'm getting sick, everyone around me rewards me for it. "Oh, look at you! You look great!" In fact, at some points in my life I'd hear from the same people both that I was way too thin, and by the way -- how'd I manage to stay so slim? Doesn't help that I'm very large busted, because it means that I don't show how thin I really am in everyday clothes. I know the jeans I'm wearing as I type were too small to get my butt into at all six months ago, and that I was about to get rid of them as "never be that thin again" clothes. They're loose now.
Anyway, there's Racer's Rant for today.
How about the rest of you? How's everything going for everyone here? How's Greg?
poster:Racer
thread:286590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20031122/msgs/286590.html