Posted by noa on September 1, 2003, at 9:24:56
In reply to Re: sorry I just read this » judy1, posted by Greg on August 31, 2003, at 16:28:33
Greg, my mood is often strongly influenced by financial issues, too. For years, it was a matter of making too little to live decently. Now, I make enough so that I *should* be able to cover my expenses, for the most part, assuming I don't impulse buy or need to travel, or the big household things don't break down and need to be replaced (oh, and I probably can't retire until I'm about 87 y.o.). But basically, when I'm in the black (except for "good" debt), and have enough in my account to cover the usual monthly expenses, I feel ok. But when I screw up and overdraw I get very anxious and then I get depressed. Usually when this happens it is because I wasn't keeping track of spending vs. available funds, etc. but also I have money coming to me that I haven't submitted the paperwork for (tax refund, insurance reimbursements, etc.) which is rather self-defeating, of course, but I let my paperwork go for months and months and months. Then I overdraw and the bank starts charging the overdraft fees (I recently applied for overdraft protection, ie, credit, and was turned down), and then I'm in the red a whole lot more, etc. This makes me feel like such a screw up and I get depressed.
At the moment, I have money to cover the automatic debits for my monthly bills, etc. and this has a positive effect on my mood. But I was just in the red a few weeks ago, and it can just feel so discouraging when I'm in that hole. And for me, discouragement becomes depression.
And, I have no dependents. It is very natural for people who have families depending on them, to worry about providing. And, I think it is probably built in to the socialization process for boys and men, too, to have self-esteem depend on finances.
And I know the feelings of downward spiral of discouragement. I think at times like this it helps to have someone do some reality testing on just how bad the situation is, whether there is hope of fixing it, and especially about how it affects how your family sees you---ie, your fears are no doubt much more severe than the reality. How your family REALLY feel vs. what you THINK about how they feel about you and the financial issues of the moment, are no doubt very different.
You are a provider, but not just of financial support. You provide so much more!! I know how warm you are and loving of your family, and can almost see the sparkly in your eyes when you look at, think about, or talk about your children and granddaughter, like in the last post. Heck, I can almost see the sparkle when you asked about Judy's daughter in the previous message post, so I can only imagine how twinkly that sparkle is for your own family!
I know you "know" this (there is the "knowing" in the rational brain, but then there is the other kind of "knowing"), but I think it helps to remind anyway,--- you and your worth are not defined by your bank balance.
I think it helps when we can visualize such problems as a finite problem, not as our selves. This is something hard for me, too. Often, my ability to see it as a problem, with boundaries, outside my self, depends on the assistance of another person who does see it as just a problem, and has the skills to put the problem in its place by naming it, naming its components, identifying its boundaries for me, defining strategies to solve the problem, step by step, and helping me choose the strategies to take, and then coaching me through the process. That kind of person really DOES see it as just a finite problem, separate from me, so I glom on to that person for a bit so I can try to see it that way too.
I hope you start to feel more hopeful soon. Your granddaughter is obviously good medicine, too.
Take care.
poster:noa
thread:253127
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20030702/msgs/256080.html