Posted by Annie on July 2, 1999, at 16:06:51
In reply to It's gotten worse., posted by Racer on July 2, 1999, at 13:12:08
Racer, Bob is right. It sounds like you might be better off in a hospital right now. I know it sounds frightening and I don't know if you've been in-patient before, but when it gets as bad as you say, you need a break. You make the area where you live sound like the boondocks, but there must be a decent hospital with a Psych department within driving distance. Plunk yourself down in the emergency room and tell them what you're feeling. At least maybe you'll feel safer around all those doctors. Maybe it was a false sense of security but I know I felt better. The pain was so bad I thought I had gone beyond depression into the crazy zone. I was afraid if I cried or screamed I'd never stop. I figured at the very least if I started screaming around those doctors they'd give me something to keep me quiet. Being alone right now is the worse thing. (Well in honesty, being with my mother would be worse for me. I hope yours is being more supportive.) The most important thing right now is to feel safe and be safe. Email me if I can help in any way. I really mean it. Annie
> This is so bad. I don't want to survive this day. It's just too bad to go on with.
>
> This morning I called the clinic here in town, to find out why the county wouldn't return my calls. They said that my request for a transfer has been on hold for the last three weeks! No one bothered to call me. All I knew was that no one was returning my calls. They wouldn't tell me why the request was put on hold.
>
> I told the fellow I spoke with this morning most of what I've said here. Including the part about I don't know if I can survive as long as it will take to get an appointment, let alone long enough for them to satisfy their need to go over every aspect of my treatment to date and all the things that are wrong with me and not wrong with their doctor.
>
> For today, I can still say that the only thing wrong with me in severe depression, while what's wrong with their doctor is much more serious. She is at best marginally competant, and lacks some pretty critical skills for her field. (After all, when a psychiatric patient says she's ready to commit suicide, shouldn't that warrant some sort of response?) Even so, and even though I really do know that I have something to offer the world, I really can't take any more pain. This hurts too much, and there's no one to help me with it. I'm much too alone, and have no one to turn to for support.
>
> I want them either to treat me with something that will help, or to offer me a lethal injection. Just as long as it happens fast. If this pain is the prelude to something better, to feeling better and being able to function again, then maybe I can stand it. But it seems more and more that it's the prelude to worse and worse. That I can't stand. For that, I'd rather they had let me kill myself last year, so that I could have escaped this torment.
>
> I just can't believe all this is happening. It's even worse than I could ever have imagined.
poster:Annie
thread:8123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990628/msgs/8161.html