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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 10, 2006, at 23:13:37
Little crumbling bits become a landslide.
No relief from meds... right now I can't sleep, and I'm shedding hair worse than my cat in summertime. Stress, stress, not the good kind but the kind that wears you down, a little more every day. I "should" be happy and festive but I become so isolated with those around tipping their glasses with their artificial cheer. Even a special water glass holds no comfort for me. I feel like I'm scrambling for love and listening, and people have their own stuff going on. Self absorbed, I disappear into reading one book after another, writing lists, going for walks, emailing friends when I can. I can't write to family, it only reminds me how far away I live. Yet being in close proximity is so triggering, floods back so many unhappy memories and there is no understanding possible; I have tried that route and been bitterly disappointed.
I know this is depression talking. My T tells me to keep on plugging away, that this time will be just another memory soon enough. I want it to be rosey and cozy, not bleak and anxious and alone. Alone, that is the worst of it.
CS
Posted by antigua on December 16, 2006, at 14:20:10
In reply to So close to falling in, posted by ClearSkies on December 10, 2006, at 23:13:37
I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier. I know exactly what you mean. This year the holidays are so very difficult for me. I want to drink and drink and drink it all away. But I can't. And it would just cause more trouble in the long run. But it doesn't make me not crave it. Then I have a pity party, why can't I play too? Everyone else is having fun. I do what you do, and just keep plugging away, day after day. I really want to get through this season without drinking. For myself and my children and husband. BUt I remember it's for me.
But it's so hard, I know.
I'm here with you.
antigua
Posted by ClearSkies on December 17, 2006, at 8:50:02
In reply to Re: So close to falling in, posted by antigua on December 16, 2006, at 14:20:10
Thanks, Antigua.
Yesterday my step son was married. The wedding reception was excrutiating. Nuff said about that. I was so far out of my comfort zone! This morning the hangover is emotional, and it hurts no less than if I had been drinking. it was just one of those hard rides, you know?
Back through on the other side. I made it.
CS
Posted by ClearSkies on December 26, 2006, at 8:45:19
In reply to Re: So close to falling in, posted by antigua on December 16, 2006, at 14:20:10
> I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier. I know exactly what you mean. This year the holidays are so very difficult for me. I want to drink and drink and drink it all away. But I can't. And it would just cause more trouble in the long run. But it doesn't make me not crave it. Then I have a pity party, why can't I play too? Everyone else is having fun. I do what you do, and just keep plugging away, day after day. I really want to get through this season without drinking. For myself and my children and husband. BUt I remember it's for me.
> But it's so hard, I know.
> I'm here with you.
> antiguaI really fell into a funk this year. Homesick, resentful, isolated... all the good stuff. Being witness to others' abilities to imbibe and not having to pay a price for it just makes it all the worse. That whole "why me" tape keeps playing its endless loop during the holidays. New Year's Eve should be interesting. That might the right time to take up an intricate and absorbing new hobby (got to think about finding one, hmmm...). Distraction, redirecting my attention.
**What do you do to get through these situations, Antigua?**
Being able to talk about it here does help.
CS
Posted by antigua on December 26, 2006, at 11:19:32
In reply to Re: So close to falling in » antigua, posted by ClearSkies on December 26, 2006, at 8:45:19
What do I do? Well, I still avoid those triggering holiday invitations. Someday I hope not to do that, but not this year. My DH drinks, so that makes it very hard. But I just think of the consequences--a couple of hours of fun and then the huge crash of guilt and humiliation. I just don't want that.
I nap a lot. And trying to get my DH to do other things that doen't involve drinking. We went to a basketball game the other night (HS) so there was no drinking, of course, and he actually said he had fun.
I can't read right now--can't concentrate, but I just try to keep moving. I think it's just thinking it all the way through that helps. My addiction group disbanded, but I had just about dropped out of that already (sometimes the group really made me WANT to drink).
And I just examine the triggers as carefully as I can, and try to see if meditation or reflection will help me identify what's causing the anguish. It's not easy, but I think my drive to NOT drink because of the consequences is the most important thing. Impulse control is so important. Finally, I'll call my T if I have to. Or my Pdoc. They remind me to look for adult ways to deal with the childish hurt that the holidays bring up.
But it's still not fair. But life isn't fair. I love my life the way it is much more than wanting to drink.
Hang in there and keep writing if it helps. I'm here; you are not alone.
I'm of the belief that it's the first drink that gets me into trouble, as opposed to I could just have one drink, because I know I just can't have one.
If all else fails, I go to bed.
Hang in there. New Year's eve is hard, but if I have to isolate I will.Love,
antigua
Posted by ClearSkies on December 27, 2006, at 13:23:34
In reply to Re: So close to falling in » ClearSkies, posted by antigua on December 26, 2006, at 11:19:32
Thanks.
Posted by Kath on December 30, 2006, at 15:43:04
In reply to (((Antigua))), posted by ClearSkies on December 27, 2006, at 13:23:34
I just dropped in here to see if Declan was around cuz I had talked with him about my 22 yr old son before, then I saw your posts.
My heart goes out to you both. I hope you're both SO proud of yourselves!!!!! I applaud your hard work at doing what you know is best for you - or NOT doing what you know is worst for you!!
My son has used chemical drugs since about 14 yrs old. Was heavily into cocaine & E for months & finally he & GF went from Ontario to British Columbia (a 'geographic cure') to shift their lives. They did not badly as far as hard drugs go. Got jobs finally (had been on the street when first out there). Then my son started hearing voices saying they would hurt him & he should hurt himself bigtime & his GF was going to be hurt etc. I posted about it on Social board.
Last nite he asked for help getting hospitalized to be safe. I am so thankful he's finally safe (hadn't been since before Christmas - I found out how bad things were day after Christmas).
He's talking about coming back to Ontairo at the end of Jan & going into rehab. He really needs it - not just a few weeks - MONTHS.
Anyway, I applaud you both & pray that he'll be sober & striving to keep a sober life some day.
hugs to you both Kath
Posted by ClearSkies on January 2, 2007, at 8:16:39
In reply to Re: (((Antigua))) Hugs to you both......., posted by Kath on December 30, 2006, at 15:43:04
Posted by Kath on January 2, 2007, at 15:47:05
In reply to Sending healing thoughts for your son (nm) » Kath, posted by ClearSkies on January 2, 2007, at 8:16:39
Thanks- all healing thoughts, prayers, etc gratefully accepted!!
:-)) Kath
Posted by Impermanence on January 30, 2007, at 14:39:38
In reply to So close to falling in, posted by ClearSkies on December 10, 2006, at 23:13:37
Go for a massage my friend. Things will work out, stop stressing yourself. 98% of your problems are just useless emotions floating around your own head, you ARE in control of these, you just don't know it. The other 2% of your problems will still be there after you die, they're not really worth worrying about, we all have them. A fellow human being is thinking about you and hoping you'll feel ok, believe you're gonna feel better, it will happen. xxx
Posted by ClearSkies on January 30, 2007, at 15:00:24
In reply to Re: So close to falling in, posted by Impermanence on January 30, 2007, at 14:39:38
Thanks, Imp. Can I call you Imp?
ClearSkies
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