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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by stickywicket on May 23, 2006, at 15:11:27
I've done something I swore to everyone I'd never do again. Over the past 4 years I became addicted/dependent twice on Xanax. I took more than prescribed and often with wine to knock me out because my anxiety was so bad. The withdrawal both times was hellish, which makes what I'm doing all the more incredible.
There's alot going on in my life right now causing tremendous stress so my anxiety is often through the roof, especially at night.
My mother-in-law had an rx for Xanax and recently entered an assisted living home. She was taken off the Xanax so DH brought it home. I took many of the pills from the bottle, and he hasn't noticed. When the anxiety at bedtime is unbearable, I take one. This is in addition to 12.5 Seroquel which isn't doing much for calming the anxiety and getting me to sleep fast enough.
I KNOW this is a dangerous path I'm going down. I see my pdoc tomorrow and am thinking about turning over the pills to him and confessing. I could just put them back in the bottle or flush them but giving them to him lets him know I'm struggling more than I can say in words.
What should I do?
Posted by becksA on May 23, 2006, at 16:02:11
In reply to I must confess to someone, posted by stickywicket on May 23, 2006, at 15:11:27
How is he about benzos? I'm lucky because mine is quite lenient in prescribing them. If you know he is that way, tell him EVERYTHING. I am on heavy probation right now from drinking and driving becuase my anxiety was so bad, I was seeing a doc that refused to give me benzos, or at least a high dose, so I abused them the same way as you, along with alcochol. Now I am seeing somebody that is open to it, and willing to do whatever it takes to get that anxiety back to normal. If he is easy going with the benzos like that, Absolutely tell him everything, ESPECIALLY the fact that you have to add wine to it, that will only help your cause in upping the benzo dosage in my opinion.
Posted by curtm on May 23, 2006, at 17:59:09
In reply to I must confess to someone, posted by stickywicket on May 23, 2006, at 15:11:27
(sigh of relief for getting that out?) Very courageous.
I'm glad you got that off your chest. I know how it feels. I will share my first confession too, if I may. I was slipping myself some of my own kid's Concerta to satisfy my meth addiction. (OUCH!) OK got that one out finally. That's a narcotic -punishable by felony action. Worse of all I was making him suffer without his ADD meds for a couple days when the rx needed to be filled. (Shout Heathen! Throw stones!) Would I have been doing myself a favor by not disclosing to my pdoc that I have an addiction to stimulants so that I might possibly be prescribed narcotics at some point?
You know the answer to this already I think...
Hint: I see my pdoc tomorrow and am thinking about turning over the pills to him and confessing. I could just put them back in the bottle or flush them but giving them to him lets him know I'm struggling more than I can say in words.
Posted by stickywicket on May 24, 2006, at 13:25:19
In reply to Re: I must confess to someone, posted by becksA on May 23, 2006, at 16:02:11
> How is he about benzos? I'm lucky because mine is quite lenient in prescribing them. If you know he is that way, tell him EVERYTHING. I am on heavy probation right now from drinking and driving becuase my anxiety was so bad, I was seeing a doc that refused to give me benzos, or at least a high dose, so I abused them the same way as you, along with alcochol. Now I am seeing somebody that is open to it, and willing to do whatever it takes to get that anxiety back to normal. If he is easy going with the benzos like that, Absolutely tell him everything, ESPECIALLY the fact that you have to add wine to it, that will only help your cause in upping the benzo dosage in my opinion.
I left out a very important point. Two years ago I OD'd on Ativan, Klonopin, Trazodone and Elavil. During my subsequent hospitalization, I apparently told them I abused benzos in the past. Now pdoc won't rx them for me ever again.
I saw him today and I confessed I stole the Xanax. He didn't ask for them but increased my Seroquel doseage. I think I'll hang onto the Xanax anyway.
Posted by stickywicket on May 24, 2006, at 13:39:00
In reply to Re: I must confess to someone » stickywicket, posted by curtm on May 23, 2006, at 17:59:09
> (sigh of relief for getting that out?) Very courageous.
>
> I'm glad you got that off your chest. I know how it feels. I will share my first confession too, if I may. I was slipping myself some of my own kid's Concerta to satisfy my meth addiction. (OUCH!) OK got that one out finally. That's a narcotic -punishable by felony action. Worse of all I was making him suffer without his ADD meds for a couple days when the rx needed to be filled. (Shout Heathen! Throw stones!) Would I have been doing myself a favor by not disclosing to my pdoc that I have an addiction to stimulants so that I might possibly be prescribed narcotics at some point?
>
> You know the answer to this already I think...
> Hint: I see my pdoc tomorrow and am thinking about turning over the pills to him and confessing. I could just put them back in the bottle or flush them but giving them to him lets him know I'm struggling more than I can say in words.
>
>More true confessions...I've really been blowing it lately. But d*mnit, I just want to feel good again! Last night I skipped my Depakote dose and this morning I took 1 1/2 of DH's Adderall. I know this is serious. Once I start doing this cr*p I just don't want to stop. I tried an AA/NA meeting once and couldn't hack all the "higher power" stuff. For now, maybe confessing here will help. I AM ashamed of myself.
Posted by curtm on May 24, 2006, at 14:44:28
In reply to Re: I must confess to someone » curtm, posted by stickywicket on May 24, 2006, at 13:39:00
I can always say what I would do if I was me, but I don't because if I did I wouldn't do it anyway.
My wife told me when she found out that I was stealing Concerta from my own kid that she would rather see me using illicit street drugs before anything so low. Drug abusers are a sick breed. We do what we need to do to survive at that moment. At what point do we decide that cannibalizing our own family is not only hurting them but ourselves? I pictured my kid sitting in class all spaced out daydreaming during lecture while I'm all fixed up. I don't know if your DH is aware, but if I were your DH and I knew, I would probably go without meds for myself for your benefit- I mean not fill my rx so that you wouldn't have the urge to take them. Don't get me wrong, I understand, I did it, and I'm not telling you anything that I don't think you have told yourself already.
I am not an AA or NA preacher. I just want to make that clear. Personally I do prefer NA over AA. The groups are usually smaller and more focused. I couldn't stand to sit through some of the nauseating crybabyish stories at AA. The "Higher Power" issue at AA/NA is easy to get around. See I am agnostic (the Faith Board is probably dreading the day I walk through it's gates) There are a couple methods I used. One is the "bleep-bleep" or "I didn't hear those fknwords" method. The other is one that another member shared with me over coffee...
He said he had that same problem. He said the Higher Power in AA isn't necessarily God, it is anything that you has power over you. Right now the drugs are that. If you want to change that, you have to give that power to something else. As he pointed at the coffee cup, he said "It could even be this fkncoffee cup if you want!" Whatever it takes to get beyond those two words (especially the first one) in order to help yourself with the program. I started out with the coffee cup "power". Then I decided I liked my pencil that I took to my meetings better. Then I decided I was comfortable with the program itself as my higher power for a while. Today I will think of you as my "power."
Thank you for helping me with my first confession.
Curt
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 25, 2006, at 7:07:26
In reply to Higher Power » stickywicket, posted by curtm on May 24, 2006, at 14:44:28
Before I speak to Higher Power, I'd also like to say that I prefer NA over AA. In NA, we say "Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to N.A. many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. Period." Alcohol isn't special. In fact, we commonly speak of any addiction, even ones with their very own programs. Food. Gambling. It's a level playing field.
Over at AA, I used to feel a great sadness, as people went out for their smoke break, holding their coffees. Alcoholics love to substitute other addictions, thinking themselves cured. During those breaks, I'd see the little clusters at the fringe, those members of the AA Marijuana Maintenance Program sub-group. <sigh>
> He said the Higher Power in AA isn't necessarily God, it is anything that you has power over you. Right now the drugs are that. If you want to change that, you have to give that power to something else.
I'm agnostic. But I wasn't about to let one of my prejudices keep me from getting better. Every time the word God was said, I chuckled to myself, as that person had clearly mispronounced the word "good". I have no problem whatsoever in believing that there is a greater good. A power of good. And that it could help me.
The Anonymous programs are spiritual programs, but some do try to make them religious programs. My spirit understands good. It doesn't understand dogma.
Another one I like is the group itself. It can be your HP. Think about what we do in those rooms. A group of clearly dysfunctional people, none of whom can yet grasp just how they came to be so messed up, simply create wellness together. If there is any sign of alchemy in the world today, it has got to be that. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, but somehow, 12-steppers have found a way.
Lar
Posted by stickywicket on May 25, 2006, at 10:41:02
In reply to Re: Higher Power » curtm, posted by Larry Hoover on May 25, 2006, at 7:07:26
I'm at least agnostic, perhaps even an atheist. I know...wierd that I don't know. I like the concept of good rather than god. Maybe I'll tackle NA meetings again. I'm not well today and I deserve it as a result of messing with my meds (& DH's).
Thanks for sharing so much with me.
Be well.
Posted by Racer on May 26, 2006, at 0:46:20
In reply to Higher Power » stickywicket, posted by curtm on May 24, 2006, at 14:44:28
>
> Drug abusers are a sick breed.I know you're including yourself in this group, Curt, but I think it's something that could offend, or hurt, a lot of people here. I'd hate to see you get a PBC, when you're trying to help. And, in my opinion, offering good help.
> I couldn't stand to sit through some of the nauseating crybabyish stories at AA.
And this one is probably also going to bite your backside.
I hope you understand that I really am offering this as a friendly warning in hopes you won't get an official warning. (Sometimes a friendly head's up from another poster counts instead of a formal PBC, so I wanted to offer it to you.)
Posted by curtm on May 26, 2006, at 10:49:44
In reply to Tread lightly, my friend » curtm, posted by Racer on May 26, 2006, at 0:46:20
Thank you for bringing it to my attention. The comments were most foul upon rereading. I could have phrased better. I unintentionally do this because I hurry. I should have thought before posting.
Posted by becksA on May 26, 2006, at 12:51:31
In reply to I must confess to someone, posted by stickywicket on May 23, 2006, at 15:11:27
sorry I haven't been able to reply, not even time now. im up north for my bro's HS graduation at an arts academy and he's got a reading in like 2 minutes i gotta run. ill be back on monday night, i hope everything went well man..
later
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 28, 2006, at 2:21:29
In reply to I apologize for the uncivil dialogue., posted by curtm on May 26, 2006, at 10:49:44
Posted by Kath on July 21, 2006, at 20:18:18
In reply to Re: thanks (nm) » curtm, posted by Dr. Bob on June 28, 2006, at 2:21:29
Posted by wacky on July 26, 2006, at 9:38:15
In reply to GOD - Good Orderly Direction. (nm), posted by Kath on July 21, 2006, at 20:18:18
More confessions:
I've never told my pdoc or my therapist about my drinking. I don't want to because I haven't decided if I want to stop. And I know if they get wind that it really IS a problem - because I drink way too much - and when I do I turn into an obnoxious, beligerent loudmouth. It is clearly threatening my relationship - SO do I choose to live alone the rest of my life - or do I choose to stop drinking. Seems obvious - so why don't I want to do it?
As for the AA thing, I concur with the Agnostics - I have a very hard time accepting the philisophies profferred. But maybe it's because I remain ambivalent about whether I want to stop drinking or not.
sigh.
Posted by antigua on July 26, 2006, at 10:15:59
In reply to More confessions, posted by wacky on July 26, 2006, at 9:38:15
Hi,
I'm sorry you're struggling with your drinking. I did (and still do) for a long time. It took me years to admit it, but once I took the first step I felt so relieved. So I wish you luck.I kept my drinking from my therapist for a long time. But when I broke down and told her, she became of immense help. If I have a slip, she is never, ever judgmental, and always tries to help me see what's behind the drinking, what it is accomplishing for me.
I've been mostly sober for three years now and I like my life so much better.
As to the pdoc--he knows of my drinking and he is mostly worried about the interaction with my other drugs so he is much stricter, which he should be. Mixing alcohol and drugs can be a killer--at the very least a coma inducer, so please be careful.
You are not alone. There are many of us here. Just reach out and you'll get some support.
Try to tell your T--in addition to the support, you will be giving up a secret that, at least for me, was eating me up inside.
good luck,
antigua
Posted by wacky on July 26, 2006, at 19:56:00
In reply to Re: More confessions » wacky, posted by antigua on July 26, 2006, at 10:15:59
Thanks Atiqua for the input. I'm still mulling it over. Since I live alone, it's hard since it's so easy to sit down and have a glass of wine.
Three years is a long time and kudos to you! I know I am capable of stopping cold - on my own. I did it before and lasted 15 years. I just don't feel very motivated now. Maybe that's depression, or Effexor - or whatever. I'm getting off the Effexor - when I see my pdoc in 3 weeks to start weaning off.
Thanks again.
n
Posted by curtm on July 27, 2006, at 8:36:30
In reply to Re: More confessions, posted by wacky on July 26, 2006, at 19:56:00
I confess that when I get an assortment of meds that I don't take from switching to different prescriptions all the time, I am going to take one of each at the same time. Maybe that will work.
Posted by momofdnd on August 29, 2006, at 15:07:49
In reply to Re: Higher Power » curtm, posted by Larry Hoover on May 25, 2006, at 7:07:26
I hope you like hot temperatures......it is going to be really hot where you are going. I will be praying for ya
Posted by curtm on August 29, 2006, at 15:13:29
In reply to Re: Higher Power, posted by momofdnd on August 29, 2006, at 15:07:49
> I hope you like hot temperatures......it is going to be really hot where you are going. I will be praying for ya
Wow! That really makes me think twice about being so open. Perhaps in the future I'll learn to keep my mouth shut.
:)
Posted by momofdnd on August 29, 2006, at 15:14:52
In reply to More confessions, posted by wacky on July 26, 2006, at 9:38:15
my advice would be to ask God(your creator) to help you...
I did meth every day for 9 years and didn't think I would ever walk away (not even sure I wanted to)
With the help of Doctors, God, and some quality friends, I kicked it and you can to if you really want to. I promise you that you won't regret it but if you continue on the way you are going you will regret it for as long as you live on this earth and beyond. I will be praying for you.
Posted by momofdnd on August 29, 2006, at 15:17:09
In reply to Re: Higher Power » momofdnd, posted by curtm on August 29, 2006, at 15:13:29
won't matter..God knows what you are thinking
: )
Posted by curtm on August 29, 2006, at 15:28:02
In reply to Re: More confessions, posted by momofdnd on August 29, 2006, at 15:14:52
I want to commend you for your strength in quitting the meth. I have quit too on my own and it will be 18 months this September. However most days I live with the thought of the feeling of the drug.
I do not have God in my life and I dont know if I ever will. Some say it will happen when it happens. Even if it be on my death bed. Yes there is an emptiness inside that has *spirituality* written on it, but for now it shall remain.
Again, congratulations, sincerely, and ((((((momofdnd)))))
Curt
Posted by momofdnd on August 30, 2006, at 8:19:51
In reply to Re: More confessions » momofdnd, posted by curtm on August 29, 2006, at 15:28:02
Hi Curt...wow what a coincidence...it has been 18 months for me too. Trust me, I still live with it everyday as well. Like everytime I walk into my house and it is a disaster or every time I look in the mirror and I notice how much weight I have gained. I think how easy it would be to go out and but some crank so that I can come home and clean my house. I am sure you know what I mean.
I only wish you were my neighbor because I would be knocking on your door this Sunday and dragging you to my Church. I do not know if you have ever been to Church. Maybe you have and you have a bad taste and maybe not. Either way, keep in mind that not all Churches are equal. I promise you that if you look long and hard, you will find a Church out there with people in it that will totally turn your life around. I drive 10 miles every Sunday morning, down a rock (sometimes muddy)road to a little church that is over a 125 years old. In side that little house I have found more friends, more happiness, and more satisfaction then I have ever felt in my life. It is true, it will happen when it happens, but no one ever knows when their time is up and if it happens with out any warning, you may never have the chance for it to happen, and that would be sad. I don't mean to preach and I am sorry if it sounds that way. If you can't bring yourself to go to Church, and I know that is a huge step, do yourself a favor and read the book "purpose driven life". It really opened my eyes to a whole new outlook on life. It may, no, it will, help you with that emptiness you feel inside you...
I am not perfect and trust me, I will fall down again and again on my journey, the important thing is, is that I recognize that it is the devil working on me and I get back up and start walking again. He will pull you down every chance he gets...don't let him.
If you struggle with whether there really is a God, I would think of it in the terms that "I would rather live my life like there is and find out that there isn't then it live my life like there isn't and find out there is....hell doesn't sound like a very fun place and I ain't taking no chances!!! In addition if you start living life the way that God intended you to, not only will you make it to Heaven but your life on earth will be a lot more enjoyable for you and everyone around you. : ) ....enough said for now. Have a good one! I will be praying for you Curt.
Posted by Dinah on August 30, 2006, at 14:01:04
In reply to Re: Higher Power, posted by momofdnd on August 29, 2006, at 15:07:49
> I hope you like hot temperatures......it is going to be really hot where you are going. I will be praying for ya
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