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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 23, 2004, at 20:29:43
get completely off my face so that I don't have to deal with all this crap.
I hate christmas
I hate new year
worse than birthdays
because at least you can keep that one a secret
and forget about it.I would like to just treat them like any other day
but other people won't let you
you go for a walk
and people who see you
look on at you with pity
ooooooooooh the pooooooor thing
all alone at christmas.
who gives a s*it
f off world
Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 23, 2004, at 22:36:05
In reply to Tis the season to..., posted by alexandra_k on December 23, 2004, at 20:29:43
Hey, I know what you mean. And too many people know when it's my birthday, and ask what great things I'll be doing that day...and the answer, if I tell the truth, is always pretty depressing.
But think about this...nobody knows you're taking a walk by yourself because you're "all alone in the world" but you. For all they know, you are so crowded with family that you are escaping for a moment alone, just like they wish they could do.
Anyway. I recently had someone I don't like...the friend of my recent ex-boyfriend...tell me that my ex is soooooo worried about me because I don't have anyone to spend the holidays with. (As IF!! That jackass...he could have been spending the holidays with me!) And, although I'm not spending the holidays with my ex, I DO and ALWAYS HAVE had the option to be with SOMEBODY. In fact, I won't be alone this year for a change, though it's hard for me not to think of my friends' time with me as "pity time" with the single girl.
After years of family crap, I am finally starting to realise that MANY, MANY, MANY people out there don't have the close, loving relationships of the type they would like to have, whatever that may mean to them. The friends I'm spending the holidays with don't get along with their families, either (or else can't be with them, though they would like to be). Other friends of mine are with their families and hating life. Other friends are trying not to get killed over-seas. The family members I--AT LAST--don't miss, are spending the holidays with people who either they don't like or who don't like them all that much anymore. Nobody I know AT ALL is having a Hallmark-perfect holiday season. And everyone I know (almost everyone, anyway) is feeling very self-conscious right now for not measuring up to the "happiness standard."
The simple fact is, it's a waste of time to worry about what other people think of us and our situations, because MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES MOST OF THE TIME. If you don't beleive me, ask yourself who you were thinking about for the duration of your last walk alone. You? Or that happy couple with the dog and how they are looking at...you? Or how other people are thinking about...you? Or how other people might be judging...you?
No, all those other people are thinking about themselves. They are all wondering how they are being judged and in what ways their lives are failing to measure up to what they imagine are the standards of the people they pass on walks of their own.
Damn! Whenever I get depressed, I remind myself how self-centered the depressed really are (by definition, we're self-obsessed). If you don't IMMEDIATELY know what I'm talking about, read "Prozac Nation" for a reminder.
We don't have to see ourselves as objects of pity. We can see ourselves as people who belong in a crowd of essentially lonely people. Or as independents. As those who are liberated from obligations. Or we can see ourselves as people who choose to be alone. Or as people who haven't figured everything out yet. Or as fuck-ups. Or whatever we want. And, when we believe what we tell ourselves, other people believe it, too. I mean, what the hell else do other people know about us except what we CHOOSE to show them?!
Buck up.
Happy Holidays, man. We're all in this crap up to the neck right along with you.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 24, 2004, at 1:50:48
In reply to Re: Tis the season to... » alexandra_k, posted by yellowbrickroad on December 23, 2004, at 22:36:05
Wow. Yeah, part of me knows that you are right. It was just that I chose to walk around the lake and so encountered all the families on their picnics. Yeech. I am alright by myself (really) but I guess I do get a bit paranoid that people are looking at me funny.
Well, they were, really. But who gives a d*mn. You are right :-)
It will all be over soon enough any rate.Oh, there has been much discussion about what language is and is not ok on the boards so you might want to remember
>jack@ss d*mn f*ck-ups. stars and @'s are allowed :-)
> Happy Holidays, man. We're all in this crap up to the neck right along with you.
Heh heh, yeah, ok I feel better now :-)
Hey, welcome to the boards, I hope you like it here.
Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 24, 2004, at 7:20:39
In reply to Re: Tis the season to... » yellowbrickroad, posted by alexandra_k on December 24, 2004, at 1:50:48
Cool, cool. I will keep the language PG from now on. Thanks for the tip.
I do hope you feel better. I've had some really crappy years, and then something changed this year. I turned 30...that probably has a lot to do with it. And I started to talk to some of the people I might have avoided previously about their own lives--I started asking everyone about how they were doing and have tried really hard to be sympathetic and to find commonalities rather than differences. That's not any New Age approach, either...I'm really soooo not like that.
So, what's ended up happening is that two people I work with who used to scare me are now friends because I was a good listener when they needed one. Also, this is the second year that I've spent the holidays with my BOSS's family and with friends, but now I see myself as the person who can alleviate their family tension rather than the pathetic single girl whose loser boyfriend ran off to Florida and didn't invite her along (and he's just now become my ex). I know my "people" are looking forward to seeing me, even though I'm not their family by blood. And I finally do feel like I'm better off with my "family of choice" than with my actual family(every member of which has a raging mood disorder, fun, fun).
The difference this year from all the years before is that I feel like I finally have a place, even if it's not with my own family. I can be the dark-comic relief, I can keep my boss safe from her well-meaning-but-hard-to-handle in-laws, I can take my friend out for a smoke break before she commits fratricide or matricide. I can be the weird anonymous neighbor who leaves stuffed animals for two of her other single gal neighbors in the building. Man, I'm important!
Oh, and when the upwardly mobile, thin, dog-raising young couples in my neighborhood look askance at me, I can take a slightly twisted pleasure in surprising them with a HUGE smile and a "Good morning! Merry Christmas!" which, of course, forces them to do the same or look like real heels. Even if you tend to wear black and are heavily pierced and tatooed, pulling a "Merry Christmas!" out of your hat forces people into good-neighbor mode for a minute.
You know, if I have a future as a single cat-lady, I'm going to be the best cat-loving Old Maid this neighborhood has ever had.
Cheers!
Posted by Slavegirl on December 25, 2004, at 18:19:25
In reply to Re: Tis the season to... » alexandra_k, posted by yellowbrickroad on December 24, 2004, at 7:20:39
Have to say I'm a totally lonely f&&$d up cat lady myself....if only we could all be cats and not truly need anyone...just content to be selfish and do our own things, using people when we want to (just like others tend to try and use us...the soft ones who break easily and get abused and used). OK - I'll shut up now.
I think the hardest thing is that everyone thinks that Christmas has to be this Hallmark picture perfect snowy scene of bliss and happiness...blame the movies, blame the cards and stores and all the rest...my MILaw was in tears this morning...(in another country)...sad she couldn't send our kids presents,...when I told her that this isn't what counts...and that the kids aren't that materialistic anyway....they prefer handmade home-made stuff. Who cares about money and perfection? Think thats the biggest problem with society. More people feel lonely and miserable around Christmas than we'll ever know..they just won't admit it. I spend about 2 weeks crying or feeling stupidly miserable over Christmas, only difference is we're alone in another country (our little family), the kids NEED me and I just have to get on with it...no little lonely walks around the lake for me.
Hugs ya' all!!! (if that's not too merry)
SG
Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 26, 2004, at 11:48:01
In reply to Re: Tis the season to..., posted by Slavegirl on December 25, 2004, at 18:19:25
To Slavegirl (and All),
Thank you for your post. I have spent years under the delusion that, if I only had children, I could never be lonely again. This despite the fact that my sister has a WONDERFUL, PERFECT (in my opinion) daughter and is still an outsider in the world. And also despite the fact that I have always known that my own parents are profoundly lonely people, though my father has always SEEMED to prefer solitude (like me) and my mother has always SEEMED to attract a crowd to herself...an adoring crowd at that. Even my grandparents, with their vast wealth of grandchildren, were desperately lonely people. But this delusion persists despite evidence to the contrary. Just like the Hallmark fantasy that lures us in, even when everyone we know suffers in some way.
This may sound depressing on its face, but something that has helped me a lot in the past two years or so is to remind myself that the ONE thing that ALL human beings have in common is suffering. There is no life without suffering. Even my cat is subject to loneliness, I have learned. I take care of other people's pets, too, while they are away with their families, and watching a big, strong Tom cat stand facing the baby's play pen and cry piteously without cessation reminds me that all creatures can miss their fellows.
But, what makes this shared loneliness a good thing, in my mind, is the belief that we can put a temporary end to it by reaching out to others for their sake. For me anyway, the thought that I can comfort someone else makes me feel comforted (perhaps this comes from being raised co-dependant in a family with lots of mental illness and substance abuse, but why analyse the sh** out of it?).
I now lead the life my mother would have wanted for herself...I'm very independent, I make a good living, I don't have children and am therefore free to pursue my "dreams." My mother has spent her life thinking that a life like mine was what she needed to make her happy, and I can tell her with authority that it doesn't do the trick for me. I can't seem to get even one husband, let alone three, like her. I haven't even started having babies, and she'd finished before she was the age I am now. We just have to stop playing the "what if" game, I think.
So, after I write this, I return to my apartment for ONE, and I clean it for my own sake because I am sure that I won't have any visitors any time soon. And I clean it for my cat's sake, because she has to live here, too. And then I will get on the phone and call all my lonely friends and tell them how wonderful they are, because NOT ONE of them knows it, to my constant amazement. And I will comfort myself with the thought that this idea we all have of our own failures is what keeps us moving forward in life. And I will secretly hope that I never stop feeling like I could still do better because, when I stop feeling that way, what motivation will I have to get out of bed on that day?
Wish me luck. Wish me a husband. Don't wish me contentment, though, because then it's all over.
Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 26, 2004, at 12:04:47
In reply to Re: Tis the season to..., posted by Slavegirl on December 25, 2004, at 18:19:25
P.S.
Watch "Mean Girls" repeatedly. It has much wisdom, therein.
YBR
Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2004, at 3:08:20
In reply to Re: Tis the season to..., posted by yellowbrickroad on December 26, 2004, at 12:04:47
You are inspiring you are.
I worry a bit about meeting someone.
But when it comes down to it I suppose I am happier on my own.
And never ever just for the sake of it.
No way.
You need only meet one person anyways.
And I suppose that they are worth waiting for.
And if they never materialise
oh well. At least we do indeed have our independance.
Thats pretty important to me.
Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 28, 2004, at 5:44:35
In reply to Re: Tis the season to... » yellowbrickroad, posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2004, at 3:08:20
On a less than super-cheery note, I was having an attack of lonliness myself and thinking of calling the ex-dude, when I suddenly remembered that I was much, much lonlier when I was WITH him.
I don't feel that great all the time, but I also don't have to deal with crushing disappointment on an hourly basis, either.
YBR
Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2004, at 14:26:40
In reply to Re: Tis the season to... » alexandra_k, posted by yellowbrickroad on December 28, 2004, at 5:44:35
Yeah. I currently have a permanant casual who I would like to get rid of (well, I think this in my better moments). But then I get lonely / bored whatever and go visit...
Then I go away feeling used and mad
round and round we go.I need to give him the flick, though.
He is no longer good for me.
Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 28, 2004, at 16:38:32
In reply to Re: Tis the season to... » yellowbrickroad, posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2004, at 14:26:40
It's a really long distance from my head to my feet. My better ideas seldom get down there on time.
YBR
Posted by verne on December 30, 2004, at 23:28:39
In reply to Re: Tis the season to... » alexandra_k, posted by yellowbrickroad on December 23, 2004, at 22:36:05
yellowbrick,
I'm toodrunk to get into details but wanted to say how much I appreciated your posts.
both you and Alexandra K are deep wells.
verne
This is the end of the thread.
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