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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on November 6, 2010, at 6:38:29
I was curious about the extent to which mental illness has affected peoples' abilities to pursue relationships, particularly with respect to the *kind* of people they were able to date, how tolerant they've found others to be etc.?
As someone with ADD, I've always passively craved the attention of others. I'm shy, but have a strange sense of humour which I love inflicting on people.
Unfortunately, I kinda grew into a habit of relying on my wit as a source of self-confidence. Once I became depressed and 'slowed down', I started self-isolating, because I saw no reason people could possibly want me around. Meds also sap my self-confidence, because they make me a lot more introverted.
My track record with women is disastrous . . I'm shy and tend to attract domineering man-eaters.
What I hate is the way psychologists adopt this really impractical, idealized view of the world . . I'm constantly being told I should try internet dating, etc. And while I'm good-looking, I'm also a little . . well, odd - as in shy, weird body language, soft talker, etc. I think women are turned off by these things?
Admittedly, I love to obsessively browse dating websites, but I wonder if I'm kidding myself. I'm not sure normal people could even begin to understand what I've been through. It'd be like me trying to relate to an asylum seeker (for example). Is it best we (pardon the term) stick to our "own kind"?
Posted by ed_uk2010 on November 6, 2010, at 14:40:16
In reply to dating + mental illness, posted by g_g_g_unit on November 6, 2010, at 6:38:29
>I was curious about the extent to which mental illness has affected peoples' abilities to pursue relationships, particularly with respect to the *kind* of people they were able to date, how tolerant they've found others to be etc.?
Hmm, if I knew the answers I might not be reading p-babble right now.
>My track record with women is disastrous . . I'm shy and tend to attract domineering man-eaters.
I thought shy people would steer well clear of man eaters?
>I'm good-looking, I'm also a little . . well, odd - as in shy, weird body language, soft talker, etc. I think women are turned off by these things?
I don't think that's necessarily the case at all.
Posted by Conundrum on November 8, 2010, at 11:47:49
In reply to dating + mental illness, posted by g_g_g_unit on November 6, 2010, at 6:38:29
> I was curious about the extent to which mental illness has affected peoples' abilities to pursue relationships, particularly with respect to the *kind* of people they were able to date, how tolerant they've found others to be etc.?
>
> As someone with ADD, I've always passively craved the attention of others. I'm shy, but have a strange sense of humour which I love inflicting on people.
>
> Unfortunately, I kinda grew into a habit of relying on my wit as a source of self-confidence. Once I became depressed and 'slowed down', I started self-isolating, because I saw no reason people could possibly want me around. Meds also sap my self-confidence, because they make me a lot more introverted.
>
> My track record with women is disastrous . . I'm shy and tend to attract domineering man-eaters.
>
> What I hate is the way psychologists adopt this really impractical, idealized view of the world . . I'm constantly being told I should try internet dating, etc. And while I'm good-looking, I'm also a little . . well, odd - as in shy, weird body language, soft talker, etc. I think women are turned off by these things?
>
> Admittedly, I love to obsessively browse dating websites, but I wonder if I'm kidding myself. I'm not sure normal people could even begin to understand what I've been through. It'd be like me trying to relate to an asylum seeker (for example). Is it best we (pardon the term) stick to our "own kind"?
>
>
>
lol @ domineering maneater, that was pretty funny. But this is serious. I've dated with my problems, which for me are a lack of confidence and anhedonia. The girls I have dated have always been supportive of me. Sometimes lacking confidence is bad, because you can let yourself get walked on if you don't, to use an annoying phrase, man up. I recently broke up with a girl I was seeing for a couple years. She lived far away so it was hard, but I also always thought she was annoyed at me for something even though she wasn't. There were other problems as well.The worst thing, for me is the anhedonia, which basically keeps you from feeling love. I mean I don't even wanna date again, until thats dead and gone.
I agree with you that being shy and talking low is not generally attractive to most women, it is for some. Some find it cute. Perhaps this is why the doc, suggested internet dating, since you don't have to be loud meeting someone at a party or a bar. Also, online you are more likely to meet someone like yourself who isn't loud and aggressive.
I think it might be worth a shot. I wouldn't reveal that you have a mental illness right away. From what I've read, you seem like a genuinely nice person, so I wouldn't think that your OCD would be a deal breaker, but you might want to let them get to know you before you tell them.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on November 9, 2010, at 6:58:54
In reply to Re: dating + mental illness, posted by Conundrum on November 8, 2010, at 11:47:49
Thanks for your responses guy. I guess what I'm wondering is whether a little repression might be healthy in this scenario? Or if it would be best to try and meet people in a similar situation (if possible).
Like, obviously I wouldn't go on a first date and be like "oh yeah, I have OCD, major depression, blah blah blah .. so how's the steak?" .. but I worry that it might be irresponsible to try and date at all in my position, given my tendency towards depression, intense anxiety, etc.
I just have this belief (irrational or not) that the mainstream population are really ill-equipped for dealing with mental illness, and that most women would be incredibly turned off if they found out that I suffer from depression. I've never even had the courage to tell some of my closest friends, because when I do try, they just fail to grasp the nature of OCD etc..
Sorry to turn this into a therapy session . . but I'm also curious what it is women exactly *expect* from a guy? I feel this pressure to be a constant source of entertainment for girls, which is particularly difficult when I'm medicated and less spontaneous, etc. The kind of idealistic myths I worry about being perpetrated in therapy are, for example, the idea that being a nice guy is somehow enough, because I find a lot of women end up put off by niceness. It's not that I let people walk over me per se .. it's more just that my default mode is trying to please people.
> lol @ domineering maneater, that was pretty funny. But this is serious. I've dated with my problems, which for me are a lack of confidence and anhedonia. The girls I have dated have always been supportive of me. Sometimes lacking confidence is bad, because you can let yourself get walked on if you don't, to use an annoying phrase, man up. I recently broke up with a girl I was seeing for a couple years. She lived far away so it was hard, but I also always thought she was annoyed at me for something even though she wasn't. There were other problems as well.
>
> The worst thing, for me is the anhedonia, which basically keeps you from feeling love. I mean I don't even wanna date again, until thats dead and gone.
>
> I agree with you that being shy and talking low is not generally attractive to most women, it is for some. Some find it cute. Perhaps this is why the doc, suggested internet dating, since you don't have to be loud meeting someone at a party or a bar. Also, online you are more likely to meet someone like yourself who isn't loud and aggressive.
>
> I think it might be worth a shot. I wouldn't reveal that you have a mental illness right away. From what I've read, you seem like a genuinely nice person, so I wouldn't think that your OCD would be a deal breaker, but you might want to let them get to know you before you tell them.
>
>
Posted by ed_uk2010 on November 9, 2010, at 13:55:17
In reply to Re: dating + mental illness » Conundrum, posted by g_g_g_unit on November 9, 2010, at 6:58:54
>Like, obviously I wouldn't go on a first date and be like "oh yeah, I have OCD, major depression, blah blah blah .. so how's the steak?
It sounds like you have a sense of humour. Good start! If you can make someone laugh they are bound to like you.
>Sorry to turn this into a therapy session . . but I'm also curious what it is women exactly *expect* from a guy?
I'm gay, I have no idea.
Posted by Conundrum on November 10, 2010, at 11:40:26
In reply to Re: dating + mental illness, posted by ed_uk2010 on November 9, 2010, at 13:55:17
> >Sorry to turn this into a therapy session . . but I'm also curious what it is women exactly *expect* from a guy?
>
> I'm gay, I have no idea.
>Confidence, Confidence, Confidence. When in doubt confidence.
How you increase confidence is up to you. It might involve doing things you are not confident doing now though. :P
Things that can help are having a job and goals in life even if they're not huge ones, like you want to get good at karate or something like that. It helps to be out going and not seem hung up on one particular girl. Being nice helps too as long as you do it in a way that is not needy. I got a couple of g/fs just from doing nice things, like getting a ride to a party for one and the other showing them around the area when she moved here.
Even if you are uncomfortable in some social situations, you can still become more confident by learning a new skill or taking an online course or something. Reading and having something to talk about is good too. I've never tried online dating, just be sure you let them know, maybe in a joking way, that you hope they are the same person in the online photos, because I've heard of cases where the picture was a totally different person.
This is the end of the thread.
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