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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 30 to 54 of 54. Go back in thread:
Posted by llrrrpp on June 17, 2006, at 21:31:33
In reply to Re: countdown to bedtime » llrrrpp, posted by MidnightBlue on June 17, 2006, at 21:03:18
Oh MB, I do enjoy ice cream, but it's rich, and i eat too much, and then i feel pretty yucky. I like coffee ice cream, cookies and cream, coconut, and cookie dough ice cream
51 minutes to go til i get ready for bed
please eat some ice cream for me.
I'm in bad shape. I'm scared of me. I'm still on this side of safe, though. cried enough today. drank enough to take the edge off, but not enough to release my desparation. chewing my cuticles, yes, but not cutting my arm. (it's off-limits tonight)
46 minutes to go.
I'm stressed out. thinking about everything I have to do next week. refinancing my student loans, making last-minute vacation reservations, calling up my relatives (calling my DAD...), homework, real work, dentist.
REally hoping my cracked tooth won't abcess before I can get it looked at. I'm going to send pdoc an email to see if there are any painkillers that are acceptable with current state of insanity/medication
Really hoping that I can make it 44 more minutes.
gonna go look at kittens now. better than looking @ rotten stuff.
I wish roommate weren't here. I want to be alone. I'm scared to be alone. I want to be alone. I'm so sorry to keep typing and typing. I'm really concerned that if I take my fingers off the keyboard they will grab something sharp and go to work on some area of flesh. One cannot protect everything, one can only protect by removing ability to act. inhibition. once failed, then mechanical barriers can be implemented. but cutting is anti social. If i stay in common area of apartment, I will not cut myself. If i'm in view of roommate (watching TV on the couch) I will behave myself. Must stay within view. That's a strategy. Funny how I'd let myself down in a heartbeat, but these silly social conventions prevent me from acting on my intentions. knives and razors and pushpins and all kinds of sharp edges, all over the place. but as long as I keep typing, they will not find their way into my hands. I don't want to disappoint Falls, or roomate, or curtm or husband, or happyflower, or elaine, or deneb, or anyother kind people- don't feel sad if I left you out. I have very very bad memory. they don't want me to bleed. Idon't understand why *I* want me to bleed. oh well. trying to protect myself, maybe? from myself?
trying to take out anger? on my skin? rather than taking my life? i don't know36 minutes.
now there's a problem- the TV is triggering me. Court TV show about 2 boys who plotted and committed violent acts to their families. homocide, torture.
now what? Do i go in my room? turn on my new white noise machine, get to work on drawing blood? Do i stay here listening to my blood pressure rising? lose-lose.
32 minutesokay.
I'm going into my room. going to find a magazine to read. something. AAAh :(yours,
-ll
Posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 21:42:13
In reply to Re: Oh lurpsie! » TexasChic, posted by corafree on June 17, 2006, at 19:53:14
I don't mind talking here about my meds. I take 40 mg Prozac in the morning, and 40mg at night, not extended release. Without it all I do is lay around practically catatonic. When I do feel emotion its hysterical crying. My depression is very severe.
I also take 300mg extended release Wellbutrin. I think the Wellbutrin aggravates my anxiety, but it really helps my energy level. So I decided it was better to have to take the occasional Xanax, than do without. It may not be the best solution, but its what's working for me now. And I have anxiety anyway without the Wellbutrin, so its not like its a HUGE difference.
-T
Posted by llrrrpp on June 17, 2006, at 21:43:05
In reply to Re: countdown to bedtime *trigger* long, posted by llrrrpp on June 17, 2006, at 21:31:33
oh no.
I just pushed husband away. he was trying to cheer me up (over the phone- he's out of town). i'm inconsolable. i hurt his feelings. made him feel unwanted. I'm such a horrible hooriblehoooooorible b*tch wifeypoo. my depression is contagious. i disapoint him. he calls with sunshine in his voice, by the time he hangs up, he sounds as bad as me. i told him i don't want to talk to him any more
(crying) isolating from him. I can't feel the love. this FUC*inG DEPRESSION. takes my heart away, breaks it. damages my body, my health, my job, my family. I'm worse than a person. I'm walking poison. nothing right. 24 minutes. still online. I don't know . I'm going to take my medicine early tonight. I'm soo dark right now. gone. gone. still safe though. not going to do the thing. too sad for that. that would bring relief. i want it badly, but I'm not 100% committed. i can't end it like that with husband. he's too sensitive. it would ruin him. he'd be all alone. (no family in this half of the world- only me). ALLL alone. worse than me. Have to stay safe for him. I can't feel his love. I can't feel my love. Can't feel anything but dispair. but I KNOW I love him. he's my guy. he'll come back to me one of these days and we'll go out on dates, and he'll tuck me in, and make me feel wanted. he's okay. just thinking about him. ((husband)) so sorry i let you down so many times.so sorry that your wife won't/can't love you the way you deserve. so sorry I can't live with you right now. it's my fault. i know it. not 100%, but mostly my fault.bye
Posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 21:54:17
In reply to Re: Oh lurpsie! + bonus intoximeter » TexasChic, posted by llrrrpp on June 17, 2006, at 19:55:52
I don't know much about Cymbalta, its one of the few I haven't been on. How many meds have you tried out? How long have you been on them?
I'm sorry you're having such a bad time tonight. I hope you're able to get your mind off it. Can you see your doctor anytime soon? Maybe your meds need an adjustment. I'm glad you are posting and aren't alone. Can you talk to your roommate? I hope you're feeling better soon. Keep in touch.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 21:59:41
In reply to Re: countdown to bedtime *trigger* long, posted by llrrrpp on June 17, 2006, at 21:43:05
I sorry lurpsie. Can you not go to bed early? Just plan to call hubby tommorow when you're better. He'll understand. You are putting way too much blame on yourself. Its the illness talking. Try to keep that in mind. I'm rooting for you.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 22:06:37
In reply to Re: countdown to bedtime *trigger* long » llrrrpp, posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 21:59:41
Llrrrpp, you're my new friend. I couldn't handle it if anything happened to you. Please be safe. If you get truly desperate, please either tell your room mate or call a hotline, or even the cops. Anything is better than what you can never take back. I'll be thinking of you.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 22:17:40
In reply to Re: countdown to bedtime *trigger* long, posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 22:06:37
Posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 22:25:27
In reply to I sent you a babblemail llrrrpp. (nm), posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 22:17:40
..if you've gone to bed already tonight.
-T
Posted by canadagirl on June 17, 2006, at 22:54:29
In reply to It's over *trigger*, posted by llrrrpp on June 17, 2006, at 9:11:24
Sorry you're feeling bad. I wish I could be there for you and everyone else who's feeling bad.
Posted by Deneb on June 18, 2006, at 3:13:45
In reply to Re: It's over *trigger* » llrrrpp, posted by canadagirl on June 17, 2006, at 22:54:29
How are you doing llrrrpp? Are you feeling any better today? I hope you had a good night's rest.
I like to sleep my days away when I'm depressed. I think it's good that you're getting up everyday and going to bed at a specific time.
Having dental problems can be really stressful. I had a toothache last month for a week and it just wore me out. I was crying and it even triggered me to think my bad thoughts. I think it's good that you're planning on going to the dentist soon. The worse thing that could happen is that you'll lose that tooth. Teeth can be replaced, it's not the end of the world. It just costs a bunch to get it replaced.
You feel bad enough already, but now you feel worse because you think you made your husband feel bad. It's okay, I'm sure your husband understands. Does he know how depressed you are? Can you call him when you feel lonely?
I think it's very important that you find ways to stay safe. You're thinking about ways to harm yourself and that's not okay. I used to think those thoughts a lot, so much so that I began to think they were normal, but they're not. Make sure your pdoc knows. Does she/he do psychotherapy with you? I think talking to someone about your thoughts can be very helpful for the here and now crises. Maybe call a crisis line if there isn't anyone.
Whenever you feel like hurting yourself, I think you should distract yourself. I find that distraction often helped me. Go to the store and buy some flowers, rearrange them, open a book, bake some cookies or butter tarts, anything, anything you like to do. Think about things that make you happy. I would think about Dr. Bob. Can you think about the love you have for your husband?
I hope you're feeling better today.
(((((((((((((((((((llrrrpp))))))))))))))))))))
Deneb*
Posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 7:50:26
In reply to Re: It's over, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2006, at 3:13:45
Hi Babble
thanks for your support last night
i hope you didn't worry too much about me. it's no fun to worry at night. i worried all night too. but i'm still here. still alive. keep on trucking. woke up at 5:30am. argh.i have very few emotions right now. i think i turned them off. i bet when i go back and read this thread, when i feel human again, i'll probably laugh and definitely cry. i don't know what to say.
i can't say i feel much better today, but at least i haven't broken any more teeth. i may have to initiate another countdown to bed time at some point. i promised i would stay safe, and i did. my fingers stayed on the keyboard, out of danger. i took my medicine and went to bed. that was my promise and i kept it.
I make the same promise today. no physical harm will be inflicted on myself. i will take my medicine and go to bed and stay safe there until i fall asleep. I did it yesterday. i can do it again.
-l
Posted by Kath on June 18, 2006, at 9:38:52
In reply to Morning, posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 7:50:26
Obviously a LOT of people care about you; are thinking about you & wishing the best for you.
I hope this can help you through this heavy-duty time.
luv, Kath
Posted by corafree on June 18, 2006, at 10:03:08
In reply to Re: Prozac » corafree, posted by TexasChic on June 17, 2006, at 21:42:13
Tk for quick med message in here. Starting Wellbutrin Mon. I hear ya' re: the anxiety, but have Valium.
love, cf
Posted by corafree on June 18, 2006, at 10:22:47
In reply to Morning, posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 7:50:26
I might have wanted to go if you had gone.
Did you toss and turn when got into bed? I did ... but somehow I feel to sleep. I save up my Valium for bedtime. Do you have a sleep med? Awoke w/ bad neckache so took pain med.
Maybe you need a narcotic for your tooth pain?
I awoke too early too ... I want the recipe for butter tarts and someone to bake them for me!
You R still here ... Snoopy is dancing!
Is Father's Day bothering you? It bothers me a little, a lot. Holidays are hard.
love,cf
Posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 10:56:24
In reply to So Happy UR Here Today!!!!! *trigger*, posted by corafree on June 18, 2006, at 10:22:47
> I might have wanted to go if you had gone.
Two wrongs don't make a right CF!
> Did you toss and turn when got into bed? I did ... but somehow I feel to sleep. I save up my Valium for bedtime. Do you have a sleep med? Awoke w/ bad neckache so took pain med.
I tried to do some progressive relaxation then Vipassana meditation focusing on the breath. It's really hard, but at least takes some attention away from dark thoughts. I take seroquel, 25 mg. knocks me out in about 20 minutes.
> Maybe you need a narcotic for your tooth pain?
eventually, but yesterday alcohol was enough. I think today I'll do ibuprofen instead.
> I awoke too early too ... I want the recipe for butter tarts and someone to bake them for me!
search google for buttertart recipe. i posted a link to one earlier I bet if you search p-babble for llrrrpp buttertart recipe you'll find the post after a while
> You R still here ... Snoopy is dancing!
yep
> Is Father's Day bothering you? It bothers me a little, a lot. Holidays are hard.no isn't bothering me yet. i'm not looking forward to the phone call to dad, but it's no worse than any other sunday. the neighbors are barbqueing and the smell is driving me crazy.
> love,cf
>
thanks CF
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 11:00:08
In reply to Re: Morning ((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))) » llrrrpp, posted by Kath on June 18, 2006, at 9:38:52
thanks for gigantic hug Kath. yeah, nice to know that lots of people have well-wishes. even though I don't deserve it, and I feel like a miserable wretch. As I've said before. I've pretty much given up on me at many points; what keeps me going is my obligations to others, and not wanting to let them down or grieve on my behalf. So, yeah, it helps.
I can't really "feel" hugs, or love or pleasure right now. I've got the anhedonia blues. but i know what they stand for, and even though I can't remember what a nice feeling it is to be hugged, I can appreciate the sentiment (did that make any sense?)
thanks, Kath
hugs to you too
-ll
Posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2006, at 11:23:16
In reply to Re: Prozac » TexasChic, posted by corafree on June 18, 2006, at 10:03:08
When I first started Wellbutrin I didn't think I could tolerate it. It felt like I'd drunk a whole pot of coffee. But it got better after a few weeks or so. Now I just occasionally take a Xanax, which I did anyway before Wellbutrin, so I can't even really blame it on that. But you will definitely feel the effect of it, just give it a few weeks to settle down if you can.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2006, at 11:33:58
In reply to Re: Morning ((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))) » Kath, posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 11:00:08
Don't you dare say you don't deserve for people to care about you! You deserve it just like any other person. But I know how you're feeling, its hard to even comprehend that at the place you are now. Believe me, I've been there, alot of us have. And alot of us have done the freaking out thing on babble, but that's what its for. Everyone understands. We just try to take turns and support each other. Welcome to the club, you're in good company.
-T
Posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2006, at 13:03:19
In reply to Re: Morning ((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))) » Kath, posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 11:00:08
If you did it once you can do it again. I have Faith in you. Love Phillipa
Posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 14:38:03
In reply to Re: Morning ((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))), posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2006, at 13:03:19
One of my personal cognitive biases is that I take bad feedback much more seriously than good feedback. It happens a lot when I play the violin- a note slightly out of tune might ruin a performance for me, even though the phrase and the meaning of the music was not interupted at all.
Same thing when I get a paper back- a few grammatical corrections here or there make me feel like an idiot, and somehow cancel out the fact that I came up with original ideas and argued them cogently.
So it goes with Babble. So many nice people, so many nice things. And yet...
bye babble. don't worry about me. Sorry I've been such a diva. Taking up too much space. It's not "all about me, you know".
-llrrrpp
Posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2006, at 15:21:35
In reply to Babble Support, posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 14:38:03
Hmmm, I'm not sure what happened here. I was just about to say, "Good for you" and "Sure you can" about you making it through the night safely and staying safe tonight. I still feel that. I'm glad you're here and safe. It's awesome that you are working so hard to stay safe when you are in so much pain. Feeling pain is not being a diva. There's no "right amount" of need or pain. There are no "shoulds". There just is what is.
I hope your pain and distress lessens. In the meantime, I'm in awe of your drive to get through this.
(((((llrrrpp)))))
gg
Posted by corafree on June 18, 2006, at 15:35:51
In reply to Babble Support, posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 14:38:03
Re:
> I might have wanted to go if you had gone.<
<Two wrongs don't make a right CF!>
First and foremost I was very sincerely worried about you these last hours. But I shouldn't have said the above. I think you would agree this is negative feedback. Mostly I said it because I do feel a whole lot like you were feeling, but I realize that I also said it in 'a reverse psychology sort of way' and that was wrong. None of us need mind games.
sorry, cf
ps I'mGoinToMyCornerToRest
Posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2006, at 16:29:37
In reply to Babble Support, posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 14:38:03
I have no idea what you're talking about. Did someone tell you "its not all about you?" I'm confused.
-T
Posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 17:18:20
In reply to Re: Babble Support » llrrrpp, posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2006, at 16:29:37
> I have no idea what you're talking about. Did someone tell you "its not all about you?" I'm confused.
>
> -TPoint of clarification- none of the posts on this thread upset or offended me in the slightest. NONE of these posts were interpreted as negative feedback.
That particular line was said to me in regards to some other matter, perhaps in regard to myself as a person, generally. There's probably a lot of truth to it. That's why it hurts so much.
Take care babble. going to take a "break" for a while.
Posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2006, at 18:46:41
In reply to Re: Babble Support » llrrrpp, posted by TexasChic on June 18, 2006, at 16:29:37
You can't leave us you just joined the group and we're just getting to know you. Where are going. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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