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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on April 15, 2006, at 21:47:06
Today was a weird day.
Yesterday I put up a personal ad of myself up on some dating site because I suddenly thought I needed to get married....what was I thinking??
I got a lot of replies.
I went to the library on campus to study. While checking my replies on the dating site, some guy who e-mailed me instant messaged me and convinced me to go out for dinner as a study break. I went.
It was awkward. I'm not fit for human company. I should stay a hermit. I don't talk. At the Babble Party I won't talk, please don't force me to talk. I just want to be mute sometimes. Please don't force me to talk. I don't want to talk a lot of the times. I don't have anything to talk about. My life is boring.
I'm really truly a hermit right now. I don't leave my house except for school. I don't have anything in common with any human on this planet. I want to crawl into my hermit cave and stay there.
Please don't make me feel awkward at the Babble Party. I might not talk. Please understand and tolerate my silence.
I might attempt to talk to Dr. Bob because I love him. I don't think I'll say much.
I'm going to die alone (in old age), I just know it in my heart. I'm really not fit for human company. I may as well be mute.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on April 15, 2006, at 22:38:58
In reply to I'm not fit for human company :-(, posted by Deneb on April 15, 2006, at 21:47:06
At the Babble Party I want to do fun things together, but I might not talk much. It's okay if I don't want to talk right?
I'm worried about that APA thing...I don't know if I can talk. Will Dr. Bob get angry with me if I cannot talk? Please don't force me to talk.
I don't want to feel compelled to talk. A lot of the times, I just want to be mute. I'm not used to talking a lot.
You can ask me questions and I will probably answer them, but don't expect me to keep a conversation going steadily.
I want Dr. Bob to talk to me. Will he talk to me? I don't want to have to talk back.
I can go for days without talking. I'm a strange person.
I don't have to talk if I don't want to. Can I socialize without talking? I want to do fun things together, but I'm not sure I want to talk. Can I do that? Can I just do the fun things and not talk? I can nod yes or no.
I don't feel comfortable talking to everyone. I don't know why I keep going on these extremely uncomfortable dates with people on the internet. It forces me to talk and I don't want to! I don't want to talk! I just want to sit and drink coffee or whatever! I just want to listen.
I might talk to Dr. Bob.
What if I become mute at the Babble Party? I can just imagine it...people will ask me something and I might not be able to answer. Maybe I'll tell my answer to Dr. Bob, who can then tell everyone else.
Why must I be so strange? :-(
Deneb*
Posted by Racer on April 15, 2006, at 22:47:07
In reply to I'm not fit for human company :-(, posted by Deneb on April 15, 2006, at 21:47:06
Deneb, your post actually made me laugh, in a "oh, that poor girl -- I remember feeling that way..." sort of a way. Poor Deneb, I'm sorry you're feeling yucky.
For what it's worth, I think MANY, MANY people would feel kinda similar, after that experience. I won't say "most," because I have no way of knowing, but I know that nearly everyone I've ever talked to about that sort of thing has said the same.
Years back, I tried dating ads -- responding to the ads already up, not putting in my own, I was never brave enough for that. And I well remember some horrible experiences. Dinner where I sat and wondered what the [warm place] was wrong with me, that I couldn't even carry on a conversation over a meal. And it wasn't nice.
The good news is that one generally lives through it. And the better news is that sometimes you meet people you actually enjoy talking to, people whose interests better correspond with your own, people it's easier to talk with. And those people sometimes become your friends.
Deneb, I met my husband by answering his personal ad. After a few emails, he sent me his telephone number, I called him to set up lunch -- and we had what I thought was a nice chat, maybe we'd been talking a little too long -- maybe as long as 45 minutes! Nope. We'd been on the telephone for over three hours -- and we were still going strong when I realized what time it was. Our lunch was the same way. When I compared that to the horrible experiences I'd been having, I realized it wasn't *me,* it was just a bad match with the other guys. They were likely very nice guys, but they weren't people who interested me.
Here's a bit of advice, though: don't think about looking for dates right off the bat -- think about looking for FRIENDS. People who share your interests, women friends, just, you know, friends...
I'm sorry you had a yucky time. It doesn't mean that you should plan on a career as an ornamental hermit quite yet, though...
Posted by Deneb on April 15, 2006, at 22:59:57
In reply to Whoa, Nelly! » Deneb, posted by Racer on April 15, 2006, at 22:47:07
> Deneb, your post actually made me laugh, in a "oh, that poor girl -- I remember feeling that way..." sort of a way. Poor Deneb, I'm sorry you're feeling yucky.
Thanks Racer...it's horrible to feel yucky. :-(
I think I might be harder to talk to than the average person... I'm going to have to meet really understanding people to be around. Once I talked to someone in my astronomy group for a long time. He drove me to the campsite. He's much older than me, but we talked a lot. So...I guess it's *possible* for me to maintain a conversation...It's nice to know that you meet your husband on a personal ad. Now I know at least it's possible to find "true love". LOL
I added some more to my profile on that dating site....I added that I'm extremely quiet and that you'd better be able to stand long periods of silence!
I think you're right about that friends thing...I'll change my profile.
Deneb*
Posted by NikkiT2 on April 16, 2006, at 5:58:28
In reply to Re: Whoa, Nelly! » Racer, posted by Deneb on April 15, 2006, at 22:59:57
First, let me nag slightly.
Please, NEVER, ever just go off and meet someone you have just met online like that. Please. Even if its a personal ad. DO NOT DO IT.
if you are going to meet someone from a personal ad / internet, you *must* let people know where you are going, what time you are meeting the person and what time you will be parting company. You must set up a phone call time with someone, where you check in as being OK - say, once during the date, and once when it finishes (or you say, we're carrying on with the date, I will call again in 2 1/2 hours or what ever)
Please, don't just go off and meet someone you have just met online. Please.
Nikki
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 8:38:46
In reply to Re: Whoa, Nelly! » Deneb, posted by NikkiT2 on April 16, 2006, at 5:58:28
> Please, NEVER, ever just go off and meet someone you have just met online like that. Please. Even if its a personal ad. DO NOT DO IT.
I don't know what came over me. I got a little impulsive. I think you're right. I don't know why I'm taking so many risks. I think I'm too trusting. I'll at the very least get to know the other person better before meeting. I'll tell my Mom next time, if there's going to be a next time.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 9:21:59
In reply to Meeting people offline, precautions » NikkiT2, posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 8:38:46
I haven't told my parents that I'm meeting with people I've meet online. I just said that I was going on a trip to Toronto with "friends".
I don't think my parents would let me go if I had said "internet friends".
I'm just going to trust that it will be safe. I'm a trusting person, or maybe risk taker depending on how you look at it.
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on April 16, 2006, at 12:20:27
In reply to Will the Babble Party be safe?, posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 9:21:59
I understand how you feel but share with them the many friends you have met here and see how they react. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by greywolf on April 16, 2006, at 18:48:55
In reply to Whoa, Nelly! » Deneb, posted by Racer on April 15, 2006, at 22:47:07
Don't feel bad about being a hermit. I know a lot about that from the down elevator days of my BP cycle. I've learned to take comfort in the fact that my retreats from society, though they're not preferable from my perspective, are the right thing for me to do at those times. At some point, I'll re-emerge, and in the meantime I won't torture myself by forcing the issue.So, take it slow. Be fit for society when you feel like it, and try to draw positives from your hermitage.
Posted by Phil on April 16, 2006, at 19:32:51
In reply to Being a hermit's underrated, posted by greywolf on April 16, 2006, at 18:48:55
Very well said. I needed to hear that.
Thanks
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 20:18:24
In reply to Being a hermit's underrated, posted by greywolf on April 16, 2006, at 18:48:55
The thing is, I think I *like* being a hermit...it's just who I am. I don't really enjoy socializing or being around people all the time. I like being by myself.
I'm happy now and that's all that matters right? It's okay if I don't really have real life friends right?
I just wish my lifestyle didn't hinder me so much...
I don't really fit in and that's going to cause some problems.
What's that personality disorder where you don't really care about socializing with people and like to keep to yourself?
Deneb*
Posted by special_k on April 16, 2006, at 20:45:15
In reply to Re: Being a hermit's underrated, posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 20:18:24
Hey.
How old are you?
A lot of people are leaving off getting married until later in life (Til mid thirties even - and I'm talking about their first marriage too). Depends on what you are looking for I guess... But you don't even know what you want to do with your life and my guess would be that you want / need your freedom to figure that out and meet someone along the way... If you like your independence I don't think you will be looking at having kids anytime soon... But dating... Yeah nice to have a look around and figure out what you want I guess. And friends... Yeah I think that is fairly important too. Sometimes it is in spending time with others that we find ourself. But online friends are friends too.My guess would be that it would be pretty hard to meet someone and try with the social banter when you aren't used to it and when you really don't know what (if anything) you have in common.
I think a study group would be a good idea...
But in my humble opinion you would do well in some kind of club.
I think... Kickboxing. But whatever really.
You would get some exercise (and sounds like you worry about putting on weight etc and the best way to go about that it to eat sensibly and exercise). Because it is about muscle tone rather than being thin as a rake anyways (in my humble opinion). And if it is a fairly social club you have an activity that you can DO together (not much talking in that) and you also get to feel comfortable with people and maybe go to coffee with them or something like that.Mixed blessing... I spend a bit of time with people IRL... But then I find myself coming back here to talk about things I would never talk about IRL...
I dunno.
I get all quiet sometimes too... That's okay. I'm not particularly bubbly unless I'm around people who I'm really very comfortable with.
For next time... Everybody likes to talk about themself. What they do what they like etc and that way you might find something in common.
I'm not sure around the meeting internet people IRL thing... I think it is mostly okay. I just say to meet them in a public place and be sure to suss them out properly (maybe a few meetings) before being alone with them somewhere private / letting them drive you someplace or something like that. A girl around your age should be okay... But older guys... Yeah does pay to be a bit careful (guys your own age too).
Re your mother... My parents were fairly horrified when I said I met a couple people off the internet (Damos was one). I don't see any harm in telling your Mum you are going to meet some friends. I think you know the babblers well enough (how many years now?) to meet them IRL.
(That being said I'd be a bit careful about posting details of your plans incl accomodation on public boards because anyone can view those)
Being in a relationship is a mixed blessing IMO. You have a lot less freedom and a lot more responsibility (typically). THough some people get married and work in different countries even and only see each other a few times a year. Somtimes that works for them, sometimes it doesn't. I'd rather be on my own than comprimise myself too much...
And as for getting old alone... Friends. Friends can be terrific there. Mixed blessing.
I might get old alone (though of course I won't be alone with friends)
I might not get married. Or I might. I don't know. I don't mind really. Sometimes I think I'd really like to be in a relationship... But othertimes I think I"m a whole heap better off by myself. So... Dunno.
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 21:40:28
In reply to Re: Being a hermit's underrated, posted by special_k on April 16, 2006, at 20:45:15
> Hey.
> How old are you?
> A lot of people are leaving off getting married until later in life (Til mid thirties even - and I'm talking about their first marriage too). Depends on what you are looking for I guess...Right now, I don't want to get married. I don't think I even want to be in a relationship. I actually never gave marriage a thought until the other day when my Mom said I should get married and have kids. For a moment I saw her logic and I decided I wanted to get married...golly I'm insane. LOL So naturally the first thing I do is post personal ads of myself to find me a husband. ROFL What was I thinking??
> But you don't even know what you want to do with your life and my guess would be that you want / need your freedom to figure that out and meet someone along the way...
I really don't know what the heck I'm doing in life right now. I do know I didn't like it when I had a boyfriend.
> If you like your independence I don't think you will be looking at having kids anytime soon...
You're right about that. I don't even know if I *like* kids.
> But dating... Yeah nice to have a look around and figure out what you want I guess.
Now that I got reality knocked back into me, I realize that I don't think I'm even ready for dating.
> And friends... Yeah I think that is fairly important too. Sometimes it is in spending time with others that we find ourself. But online friends are friends too.
I think friends are more important for other people than for me. I seem to do alright without friends. I've been a little more social recently...don't know why that is, but my pdoc thinks it's a good sign. :-)
> My guess would be that it would be pretty hard to meet someone and try with the social banter when you aren't used to it and when you really don't know what (if anything) you have in common.
Yep...extremely awkward as well.
> I think a study group would be a good idea...
It's too late for a study group this semester, but I will give that some thought.
> But in my humble opinion you would do well in some kind of club.
> I think... Kickboxing. But whatever really.I get really self conscious. I don't know if I'm brave enough to join a class.
> You would get some exercise (and sounds like you worry about putting on weight etc and the best way to go about that it to eat sensibly and exercise). Because it is about muscle tone rather than being thin as a rake anyways (in my humble opinion).
I plan on walking/jogging after my exams are over. I have to get in shape. I know I won't be able to jog for long, but maybe, just maybe I can train myself to jog longer.
> And if it is a fairly social club you have an activity that you can DO together (not much talking in that) and you also get to feel comfortable with people and maybe go to coffee with them or something like that.
Joining a club...it's scary for me. These things are scary for me. I have not idea why meeting strangers from online is less scary! I tend to put off things like socializing until I get a sudden urge to socialize. What I should really do is get back into my astronomy group. I liked that. It was really fun.
> Mixed blessing... I spend a bit of time with people IRL... But then I find myself coming back here to talk about things I would never talk about IRL...
Yeah, talking here is much easier.
> I dunno.
>
> I get all quiet sometimes too... That's okay. I'm not particularly bubbly unless I'm around people who I'm really very comfortable with.I'm not very bubbly either. I don't think there is anyone outside of family I'm really comfortable with...yea, there's no one.
> For next time... Everybody likes to talk about themself. What they do what they like etc and that way you might find something in common.
We didn't have much in common...it was one question after another...all leading nowhere...until we ran out of questions to ask...then came the awkwardness...
> I'm not sure around the meeting internet people IRL thing... I think it is mostly okay. I just say to meet them in a public place and be sure to suss them out properly (maybe a few meetings) before being alone with them somewhere private / letting them drive you someplace or something like that.
I'm not being really safe with my online outings. About two years ago I let someone I meet online drive me somewhere... I'm taking a lot of risks without thinking...it's not so good.
> A girl around your age should be okay... But older guys... Yeah does pay to be a bit careful (guys your own age too).
Right now I'm really freaked out about what I did and what could have happened. I'm going to lay off the internet dating thing for a while. What was I thinking? I took a lot of risks. I didn't even stop to think about the risk or danger. What's wrong with me?
> Re your mother... My parents were fairly horrified when I said I met a couple people off the internet (Damos was one). I don't see any harm in telling your Mum you are going to meet some friends. I think you know the babblers well enough (how many years now?) to meet them IRL.
Thanks for understanding. I think it should be okay. I've been here over a year now, not years. LOL
> (That being said I'd be a bit careful about posting details of your plans incl accomodation on public boards because anyone can view those)
I haven't said anything too specific. I hope it's okay.
> Being in a relationship is a mixed blessing IMO. You have a lot less freedom and a lot more responsibility (typically).
Did you read what I wrote about my ideal boyfriend? I wouldn't have to talk to him everyday or see him every week. I think I like my independence. I'm not very good with relationships. I used to never call my boyfriend when I had one. He used to call me. I never used to want to hug him either. He always wanted to hug me. I'm amazed that he loved me so much and didn't mind my eccentricities.
> And as for getting old alone... Friends. Friends can be terrific there. Mixed blessing.
My Mom says that friends won't be there for me when I'm old and sick. That's what I'm a little worried about...me being sick and no one there to help me.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 21:55:39
In reply to Re: Being a hermit's underrated » special_k, posted by Deneb on April 16, 2006, at 21:40:28
I don't do well with real relationships. I think I can only maintain quasi-relationships.
Dr. Bob, Babble friends, my high school friends, my pdoc...all aren't complete relationships (or in one case, not a relationship at all LOL).
Funny how much I like the one non-relationship (Dr. Bob).
I've got problems. LOL.
Deneb*
Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2006, at 9:37:09
In reply to Being a hermit's underrated, posted by greywolf on April 16, 2006, at 18:48:55
That's what I always say!
I always say I'd be perfectly happy being a suburban hermit.
Posted by curtm on April 27, 2006, at 11:57:06
In reply to Being a hermit's underrated, posted by greywolf on April 16, 2006, at 18:48:55
I agree with you about a hermit being underrated. I usually like doing things like building projects by myself. Then I don't have to deal with the way other people think they should be done, because my way is better.
Most of my friends have told me that I am very spontaneous and fun, and I accredit that my bipolar disorder. So I feel that to be a benefit as long as I keep it within reasonable limits.
Posted by Dinah on April 27, 2006, at 20:06:54
In reply to Re: Being a hermit's underrated » greywolf, posted by curtm on April 27, 2006, at 11:57:06
When I move, I'm going to remove human interaction from my activities.
Except the vet I guess, since I aim to be the weird dog lady.
This is the end of the thread.
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