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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 6:56:31
where to begin~wow. today is the 1st day in years that i can recall waking up and feeling happy to be alive. i have realized a huge factor in my ptsd from the rape. i haven't forgiven myself. not just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time but for how i acted afterwards. i now am realizing that i was acting out as a cry for help. i had never been a drinker or pill popper, i didn't act like a hootchie at clubs and i had never ever stole ANYTHING, let alone a very large sum of money to give away to people i felt needed it. since my attempt i have been a prisoner in my own skin. i realized that i have been carrying a ton of shame around w/ me for years now not only b/c of the rape, but how i reacted to it.he took a part of me but i lost a part of who i was proud to be. i was opposite of my family and very proud of that. i will go out today and face my fears for just a little while and hopefully again tomorrow. just needed to get that out.
Posted by LegWarmers on February 12, 2006, at 9:21:33
In reply to 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 6:56:31
Good for you! You do not deserve to feel like that. Im glad you are feeling happier today!
Posted by Sabrina_0805 on February 12, 2006, at 10:30:33
In reply to 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 6:56:31
How special and inspiring. I hope you had really good day and I wish many more good days for you to come.
Sabrina
Posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2006, at 11:54:41
In reply to 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 6:56:31
Wilcard where are you going today? Fondly, Phillipa glad you are happy today!!!!!
Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 12, 2006, at 14:22:59
In reply to 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 6:56:31
Wildcard,
I'm SO sorry for what you went through. What some human animals can do to another is horrible.
I would like to share something with you. I'm no fan of the Catholic church, but some of the individuals within that church have said some very special and inspiring things.
St. Augustine wrote "City of God". In it he describes the fall of Rome. When Rome was being overtaken, part of the process of demoralization was the r*pe of the women of that city. Many of the women, feeling they had done wrong by having this happen to them committed suicide.
St. Augustine wrote to them that though two people had been involved in the act, only one was a sinner. The women had been *involved* but were unwilling. The only sin was on the man who had forced the act.
It's the same today. So many women feel guilty, or as if they had done something wrong. They might intellectually know that they did nothing wrong, but they still feel as if they did.
PLEASE remember that there were two people there, but only one committed any sin. It WASN'T you. The acts that you committed afterward were a defense mechanism. Some women try to prove they were bad by doing bad things. Some women try to prove it wasn't their fault. Almost all feel some guilt. Almost all feel that they were somehow at least partly responsible. But none of them are responsible. There is ONLY ONE sinner. It wasn't you.
You've done nothing shamefull. You are a beautiful creation with much love and tenderness. Your beauty can't be tainted by the ugliness of another person.
(((((Wildcard)))))
Posted by 10derHeart on February 12, 2006, at 15:09:21
In reply to Re: 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by deirdrehbrt on February 12, 2006, at 14:22:59
That was a wonderful post, Dee. If only...it were easier to somehow wipe away that tendency to blame ourselves for events where hurt, injury, suffering was inflicted *on* us by - as you so aptly put it - a human animal - and we were *there*, yet totally innocent. S*cks the way our brains work to betray us with those sorts of feelings.
Good therapy can often help tremendously, but it's still such hard and confusing work to undo sometimes years of internalized shame...
Wildcard, hang in there and keep going. You sound like you are more able to enjoy things and understand things, bit by bit. I'm happy for you that's happening :-)
Posted by Damos on February 12, 2006, at 15:32:42
In reply to 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 6:56:31
Thank you so much for sharing that. Lots a tears. Please don't feel ashamed. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't know if you've read it or if it'll help but "Lucky" by Alice Sebold might be worth a look it's about her rape and it's aftermath and as a man I think it was a really important book to have read.
This is a big realisation Wildcard and an important post in so many ways. When you take that step out into the world I'd be proud and honoured to walk beside you.
Warm, safe hugs if that's okay.
Damos
Posted by TexasChic on February 12, 2006, at 16:26:14
In reply to 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 6:56:31
Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't even imagine how I would deal. You sound like you're stronger than you know.
Its not hard to understand why women blame themselves. When I was going to church (and this doesn't mean all churches are this way) I was taught that the woman was responsible for causing the man to lust after her. It was a sin if a women showed a part of her body that 'caused' a man to lust. I remember in junior high having a special class at church where they separated the boys and girls, and we got a lesson called "The Bellybutton Brigade". Just the fact that this was only taught to girls gave the impression that it was the girls fault. Add to this little things like my brother could wear shorts but I couldn't, and its no wonder we get it in our heads that its our fault.
But its just not true! This is a warped and disturbed way of thinking. I don't care if I'm standing buck naked in front of a man, dirty dancing and singing "Give it to me Baby", he will NEVER have the right to FORCE himself on me! NEVER. Period. That's it.
You never hear of a guy getting raped by another guy and people saying, "Oh, well, he was ASKING for it. Did you see what he was wearing!? What did he THINK was going to happen?"
-T
Posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 16:42:27
In reply to 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 6:56:31
I have been waiting for sooooooo long to face the person that raped me. Well i checked the mail from Sat. on my way in from my adventure and i got the letter!!!!! I have been waiting since April,2001(i thought 02), but i will FINALLY get my day in court against him!!! How ironic...I am crying happy tears. Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 12, 2006, at 16:54:06
In reply to Re: 1st time in years *trigger* » deirdrehbrt, posted by 10derHeart on February 12, 2006, at 15:09:21
10derHeart,
You're right, I know. The tendency is to blame ourselves. I think alot of that is enculturated. More so for women. When a woman is hurt by a man, one question that they are almost always likely to hear is: "What did you do to provoke him?"
It s*cks.
For a time, until I had my first meltdown, I was a r*pe crisis counselor. I also know first-hand what can become of someone who was seriously hurt by another. It's a cruel world and it gets away with blaming the survivor.
The real truth though, as St. Augustine so wisely put it is that there was only one sinner. People need to hear that. It takes hearing it many times before people can effectively counter what has been so deeply ingrained into thier consciousness, but it can happen.
That's precicely what therapy helps to get across. It isn't your fault. Just like Robin Williams kept saying in "Good Will Hunting". It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.Blessings,
--Dee
Posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 17:00:10
In reply to Re: 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by deirdrehbrt on February 12, 2006, at 16:54:06
Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 12, 2006, at 17:04:28
In reply to You will not believe this!, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 16:42:27
Wildcard,
I'm glad that you will get your day in court. He deserves to face trial for his crime.
I'm not sure if you have a therapist, but if you don't, please talk to one, or call your local rape crisis, or women's resource center. Talk to someone.
If this is an actual trial, and you have to take the stand, the defense will likely try to *prove* or at least insinuate that it *was* your fault. This is cruel, but it is a common tactic. You'll need emotional resources to deal with it.
In the organization that I worked for, we would provide a counselor (all volunteers) to accompany the survivor to the hospital, to the police station, or to court, just to be there with them. These counselors are trained people, dedicated to you. What you say is held in confidence.
Please protect yourself from further harm from this person. Have someone you trust with you. The trial, though your chance to confront him can still be a disturbing event, both for the defendant's attempt to blame you, and because you will need to revisit all of the things that happened.
I'm SO proud of you for being willing to take this step and being willing to put an animal behind bars. You are protecting not only yourself, but other women as well. Many people who commit such an act once go on to do it again. You are SO brave.
Blessigns,
--Dee.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 12, 2006, at 17:17:47
In reply to Re: 1st time in years *trigger* » wildcard11, posted by TexasChic on February 12, 2006, at 16:26:14
-T
Wanna know what I think? Well, maybe, maybe not, but anyway...
I think that there are lots of men out there who feel guilty when they see a good looking woman, because they are attracted. They aren't taught how to deal with attraction in this culture, and having no way to express it, they blame the woman for making them feel uncomfortable.
Many equate attraction with lust. They don't feel comfortable going up to a woman and saying simply "You're a lovely woman". They have to stuff their feelings, and believe them evil. Consequently, women, as the *cause* of their discomfort, are evil temptresses.
I once attended a church that taught women that if they were assaulted, and they didn't resist, to death, if necessary, that they had committed sin. Completely sick individuals.
Women shouldn't have to avoid dressing nicely just to prevent provocation. Women are beautiful creations of deity, and beauty shouldn't be hidden. Rather, men need to learn how to deal with their feelings in a healthy manner.
Just my 2 cents,
--Dee
Posted by lynn971 on February 12, 2006, at 22:27:06
In reply to Re: 1st time in years *trigger*, posted by deirdrehbrt on February 12, 2006, at 14:22:59
Wildcard,
I am so glad that you are realizig that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a wonderful mom, friend, and person. I pray that not only you will overcome, but that you will go above and beyond. That you will be successful in everything you do. You are a strong person. You are an independent, strong, beautiful woman. I actually admire you. (I am not as independent as you are). You have overcome so much. If you could see yourself the way I see you, you would never feel down about yourself again.
Luv ya girl,
Lynn
Posted by sleepygirl on February 12, 2006, at 22:50:25
In reply to You will not believe this!, posted by wildcard11 on February 12, 2006, at 16:42:27
Good for you wildcard. Stand up straight, tall, and proud, because you should be proud of the wonderful person you are.
all the best,
sleepygirl
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