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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 22:52:44
Yes, I know it isn't late yet, but I used to get hours more sleep than I do at the moment.
I'm trying not to work so hard at getting to sleep. It's a Mobius strip, listening to my breathing, having it get shallower and quick, then the noggin starts churning out random ideas that Must be Written Down Immediately! Then I creep down to the kitchen, write my little list, and then it dawns on me that I haven't given Babble a full dose of ClearSkies View of my Limited World for a long time.So I have been thinking about Christmas. Can't call them the Holidays, as I don't celebrate Hannukah or Kwanzaa. I'm not sure we'll have time to put up a tree, much as I would like to. We are having a lot of home improvements imminent. Hardwood floors installed, necessitating clearing our living room, dining room, and half bath of their entire contents. Thank goodness our garage, which normally actually houses our car, can accommodate most of the stuff. Moving it down the flight of stairs makes me think that a lot of it is junk. BUT... the heaviest items, the books, are my treasures. Even the ones I haven't read for ages, they feel like good old friends that I wouldn't want to abandon. When I divorced I went through the collection and took 4 boxes to a local used book store. Two and a half hours later, of giving the owner synopses of each and every book, I collected $62 and vowed never to put myself through that again. it was like delivering a eulogy for individual soul mates.
A new stereo and obscenely large television will be coming to live in the newly floored living room. My great excitement is being able to play a turntable for the first time in 7 years, Little did I know that a phono stage is now required to adjust the electrical output from the amp so the bloody thing actually works. I'm just grateful that we don't do the Tube Amplifiers you see in the specialty shops. They look too much like a Thomas Dolby album cover.
Back to Christmas - I am planning to give something to people I don't usually acknowledge; my hairstylist, my manicurist, the UPS guy, the postman. I am aware that each of these people really go out of their way to be friendly and approachable to me. I don't want to take these relationships for granted. They are the only true relationships that I rely on in my life, besides family.
And Christmas cards. I didn't send many the past few years, as I felt so completely wretched for most of that time. I am already worrying about what to say to the people I plan to write to. I don't want to put a generic newsy anonymous Xmas brag sheet in there.
I have some other homey projects in the works, too. A private yoga class that is close by. I have looked and looked and the ones in studios that are close by are in pretty nasty locations, or the facilities themselves are filthy. I don't feel comfortable doing Downwards Dog and inhaling deeply of a moldy carpet. So I found a tony little home who instructor works out of, with an enormous living room with picture windows floor to ceiling looking over a wild back yard. It's extravagent for me, but I know that my soul is starving for such a thing.
I have ordered a needlepoint kit as a starter for this new hobby I want to pursue. It's a cheater, with the design printed on the canvas. It's a modification of a Klimdt design, with those wonderful warm and jewel tones.
And I plan on recovering the stools I have at our breakfast bar. I found some interesting fabric, find of a geometric art deco design that should fit in with our vague and non-committal style we seem to be leaning to in our home improvement effort.
And reading... that comes and goes. I bounce from inspirational non 12-step books, to perimenopause self help guides, to drugstore paperbacks, to my wish list at Amazon.
I am loving to create and cook again. I get great satisfaction in opening my pantry and fridge, getting a limited inventory, and then searching on the internet for a quick recipe that uses some of what I've got on hand.
Sometimes my anxiety creeps out like a heavy fog that weighs my body and soul down. I don't try to work through it, as it seems to make it much worse. Instead I take a break, make a cup of tea (decaf, sigh), stretch out on the sofa, and read for a bit.
Some days I wake up in a depressive funk. These actually don't worry me at all, since I realized that most people have good days and bad days; and now that my medications are finally stable, That these feelings are sure to pass with some time and patience. The mood swings are unfortunate and poorly timed. I try to give myself a timeout before I rant at someone I love. Sometimes I'm successful. Sometimes I cringe the second after the words have dropped like venom from my lips.
I am so utterly grateful that I have Babble to come to and pour all this stuff out to. It's nice to get replies, to see tangent spin off and create lives of their own (like this thread doesn't have a question I'm looking advise on)...
One last project that I hope to pursue is to become a part time volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter for women and their children. I'm scared of this one, but have a very strong affinity for their plight, as I was in an emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive marriage for 18 years and never once felt that there was any place I could have gone to, being too scared. That particular time in my life was survived by assuming the role of a very highly functional drunk.
So that is me right now. If I think of any more rambling stuff you know that it will appear sooner or later.
ClearSkies
Posted by Gee on December 2, 2005, at 23:06:19
In reply to Ramble - can't sleep, posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 22:52:44
It sounds like you're in a good spot right now
Are you having fun with your home renos?
Posted by Tabitha on December 2, 2005, at 23:21:33
In reply to Ramble - can't sleep, posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 22:52:44
Sounds like your life is humming along. You sound very well, with all your projects and self-nurturing things going on. You deserve to feel pround of yourself.
Posted by rainbowbrite on December 2, 2005, at 23:33:29
In reply to Ramble - can't sleep, posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 22:52:44
> Yes, I know it isn't late yet, but I used to get hours more sleep than I do at the moment.
hehe I had to check the clock when I read the subjectThat sounds really exciting and busy.
Im not getting a tree this year either. But I can enjoy looking at other peoples :-)
I read somewhere a while ago, something about your writing...anyway its amazing. Could you share your secret :-) your writing makes me want to read.
Posted by lynn971 on December 3, 2005, at 0:23:33
In reply to Re: Ramble - can't sleep, posted by rainbowbrite on December 2, 2005, at 23:33:29
I am so glad that you are back to clearskies. I was worried about partlycloudy. lol
I am up late too.
I was just put on zoloft. I am not sure of this change. It has been 5 days now. today was partlycloudy for me/
Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2005, at 0:54:38
In reply to Ramble - can't sleep, posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 22:52:44
it does sound like things are ticking along pretty well :-)
nice to hear how you are doing
i'm not going to get a tree either.
but i do love the smell of a proper tree.
bit of a mess though..
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2005, at 2:53:05
In reply to Ramble - can't sleep, posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 22:52:44
Your attitude sounds so healthy! I'm so happy for you. :)
Especially the part about recognizing your moods and realizing that moods will pass. And taking care of yourself in a healthy way.
There are lots of wonderful positives in your ramble.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 3, 2005, at 10:11:53
In reply to Ramble - can't sleep, posted by ClearSkies on December 2, 2005, at 22:52:44
Wow - didn't expect any responses to my post! I cried when I read them. So grateful for all your thoughts.
The home improvement projects are all happening at once. I don't know why we have to make all of our money go away at once, but we started one project and it morphed into a whole bunch of other ones.
The hardwood floor has been a wish of mine since we moved into our condo almost 3 years ago. The wall to wall carpeting was very tired and stretched out in places. Each time we'd get it cleaned, the remark from the technician would be, "you know, you should REALLY think about replacing this." A few years of cat puke embellishments and family parties - who knew my husband's family were collectively such a messy bunch of people? - and our beige carpet looks like it has to be rolled up and heaved out the door.
So out it goes. Now, I have installed a tongue-and-groove hardwood floor, many years ago, and my back and knees still aches to think of it. Since our plans include getting a flight of stairs done; and my husband has absolutely no inclination to do any of the work himself (such a smart man!), we found a local contractor with a good reputation who'll be starting on Monday. The floor beneath the carpet is concrete, so everything on the entire area has to be removed, so the underlying surface can be levelled and prepared for the floor. It sounds like an enormous mess, dust and noise. I'm wondering if my cat should be kennelled for the week since she gets freaked out just by the vacuum cleaner.
You'd think that moving all your stuff to the garage would be a breeze, much easier than moving house, say. Well it's actually just as big a pain in the butt as moving is. Why did I buy such *heavy* books? Why do I still have books about beekeeping, Barbie dolls, and gnomes? Why did I ask for that gigantic dictionary last year? Oy. 4 days of packing and there is much left to do.The stereo adventure has been my husband's folly, with my tacit approval and judgement imposed about various components. The main purchase is, you guessed it, a big kick *ss television. We now know much more about the differences between LCD, Plasma, and rear projection TV's. We went from thinking of a tasteful, wall-hung flat screen unit to this 50" monster that should have its own zip code. He watches a lot of sports; we both watch a lot of DVD's... and he found a "good" price. Good in a ridiculous sort of way.
Then the stereo components came into question. We have a hodge podge of old and older pieces, including a disc player that doesn't support most audio formats (duh!!) and a turntable that we have never been able to listen to. A nice collection of a broad range of music, that, as much as we have tried, never seems to get thinned out, no matter which way we look at it. We ended up going to a local mom and pop high end audio/video store, and started at the bottom. We listened to so many different speakers, receivers, amplifiers, looked at a phono stage (which I didn't even realize that you need in order to hook up a turn table to a stereo nowadays), a little bitty box that costs in the range that I imagine a black box for an airliner would be.
The house was covered in magazines, product reviews, the computer had so many bookmarks for different sites that I really didn't know what we were even looking at anymore.
And we let the mom and pop couple make some reccommendations. The biggest selling point is that they will come down and install the whole system. PLUG IT ALL IN! Bestow the remote controls upon us, and voila! We be wired for sound and visual.It's an outrageous amount of time, money, and stuff all happening at the same time. I am thrilled that at the end we'll have a place that we will love to spend more time in. I am agog at being in this priviledged position. Just a few years ago I was living in an apartment so small and crammed with my stuff, you had to navigate throughout the whole place sideways. Try to go forwards and your hips (or my hips, rather) would get stuck between the birdcage and the microwave cart. So much has changed. So much.
My therapist - this is my fourth, and I hope, the last T for a long time - has suggested to me that I take a writing class. I have been journalling off and on since I was 11 or so. She had me do some writing for homework and just stared at me after I finished reading it to her.
So OK. When 5 people who don't yet know me very well make a suggestion about something that I love to do and take great joy in doing, I might just consider doing it. I'm very frightened at the prospect of my obvious love for cliches and barely recognizable metaphors being uncovered and rooted out. It's also perhaps the dream of my lifetime. Maybe I could get a degree or something? In my own time, at my own pace. I figure I could get a bachelor's degree in 12 years or so.End of ramble for today. Thank you for reading.
CS
Posted by rainbowbrite on December 3, 2005, at 11:56:41
In reply to Ramble continued, posted by ClearSkies on December 3, 2005, at 10:11:53
>
> So OK. When 5 people who don't yet know me very well make a suggestion about something that I love to do and take great joy in doing, I might just consider doing it. I'm very frightened at the prospect of my obvious love for cliches and barely recognizable metaphors being uncovered and rooted out. It's also perhaps the dream of my lifetime. Maybe I could get a degree or something? In my own time, at my own pace. I figure I could get a bachelor's degree in 12 years or so.you totally should! :-)
Posted by sal0805 on December 3, 2005, at 12:37:31
In reply to Ramble continued, posted by ClearSkies on December 3, 2005, at 10:11:53
I quite agree that you should, or could persue "writing". I have always known that you are very eloquent and I have always loved your writing style. There is a deep maturity and understanding in things that you write, despite what you are going through at the time you write it!.
I really enjoyed reading about all the improvements. Actually, I don't remember ever reading such a long post from you!! It made a wonderful change!
CS - you sound so well, and that is special to me.
Sabrina
PS. miss you
Posted by Damos on December 4, 2005, at 15:19:56
In reply to Ramble continued, posted by ClearSkies on December 3, 2005, at 10:11:53
Hi ClearSkies,
Just caught up with your rambles. Loved 'em. thanks for sharing. You really sound like you're doing well and that makes me happy. Yes, yes, yes, add my name to the list of those encouraging you to pursue writing.
(((ClearSkies)))
This is the end of the thread.
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