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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Monkeyoga on October 23, 2005, at 10:31:05
Hi, all. Newbie here. Thanks to everyone for sharing stories and experiences with treatment, etc. Here is a little of my situation: I'm in the recovery stages of at least one major depressive episode, brought on by a break-up and a traumatic graduate school experience, about seven years ago. Currently I'm on Effexor and Wellbutrin, a combo my Pdoc seems to like and which seems to help. I also do yoga and attempt to meditate, which seems to help even more. Anyways, I have a story. I thought about posting it in "writing," but I don't write poetry very well. I think I'll probably tell the real story first and then creatively embellish it in that forum later on.
So, here it is: I've been out of the relationship scene since the aforementioned break-up in '97 (OK, eight years ago). Been in the dating scene, which pretty much sucks, but nothing serious. I'm not the type to pick up women at bars or anywhere else, except in the pretense of performing work against gravity (oh yeah, I'm an engineer and therefore employ "geek speak").
Anyway, I have zero luck with women. Well, maybe it's more lack of skill, I don't know. Mostly it's lack of confidence -- common among depressives, I know. Also, I think one of the sources of my overall mental screwyness is an female-approval seeking behavioral pattern learned early in childhood. I guess I was looking for some kind of acceptance from my mom that I never got, or at least not at the time (now's differ'nt) As you can imagine, this generally messes with the way I relate to women today. Anyone I'm interested in instantly becomes an object of approval-seeking. Of course, this is a complete turn-off and roughly equivalent to wearing a "F**ked in the Head" T-shirt.
And I think I'm the kind of person who is not compatible with that many people to begin with. So, when I – with a rare, alcohol-induced attitude of “whatever”-- managed to engage a somewhat interesting female in conversation after five years of generally repulsing (in the magnetic sense) women, I was delighted. We clicked, I don't know how else to say it. Electricity surged up and down my spine. I felt pure joy for a moment. I got a phone number and a goodnight kiss, and then tragedy struck: we sobered up. She fervently raised her defenses (she was left "jaded" by some guy in college), and I remembered that I was a whiny suck-up. By the time I saw her again, at an EXTREMELY confusing (we don't take #$%@&*! hints!) lunch date, she had lost interest. So, back into misery and depression I lapsed.
Fast-forward two years. I'm relatively stable. I meet The Coolest Chick on the Planet (TCCotP). The catch: TCCotP has a boyfriend on the other side of the continent. However, TCCotP seems interested in at least hanging out. So I continue to hang out with TCCotP. We go to a bar downtown (Philly) to see a band she likes, then to a diner. We talk effortlessly. The more I learn about her the more I want to know. We have similar musical, spiritual, and political inclinations. Plus, she's TCCotP. We go to another concert, this time to see one of my favorites (Son Volt). I meet her dog (no, not at the concert. Before it). I meet her living room. Effortless interaction. [Note: if you are at all like me, you are wondering, "did they get it on?" I can assure you they did not. More on this right…]
The concert was great and, of course, so was the conversation. […now.] I realized that the BF was an obstacle I would not easily overcome, but that didn’t bother me nearly as much as I thought it would. I just really enjoyed talking to her. I’ve felt for a while that there is something fundamental about life that I just don’t get, which is why I’m unhappy most of the time. It seemed she knew what it was. Don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t mind replacing Mr. BF with myself, but failing that, just hanging out with her seemed an altogether righteous way to spend time. [Hang in there, I’m almost done.]
Now I hear that she is interviewing for a job in Seattle. This would decrease the distance to BF from roughly 3,000 miles to roughly 1,000 miles, and even less if he gets a job at Microsoft (which he may). More pointedly, it would result in a significant physical separation between me and her. This is very distressing. I know this has been said a godzillian times, but I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone like her again. I will really miss her. I hate it when that happens. I think.
-The Yoga Monkey
Posted by crazy teresa on October 23, 2005, at 13:24:18
In reply to I can't decide if I hate it when this happens, posted by Monkeyoga on October 23, 2005, at 10:31:05
That sucks. But it doesn't sound like it was meant to be. And you knew this going into it.
Take what you've learned from this experience: You are a guy women find fun and enjoy being around! You can have effortless conversations with a hot thing!
Have you ever considered that you're trying to come on to the women who'll never be happy with anyone due to your penchant for unpleaseable women? The said relationship with TCCotP who you knew was pretty much un-gettable didn't work out? Of course not, you insured that when it began.
Just from what I've read from this post, you're smart, work (always a plus!), have a fantastic sense of humor, and would treat a gril like a princess!
Your new pal,
crazy teresa (who will from now on think of you as Ape of Erotic Stretching!)
Posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 14:24:58
In reply to I can't decide if I hate it when this happens, posted by Monkeyoga on October 23, 2005, at 10:31:05
I know you're torn up inside over this, but you never mentioned what she has had to say re: you and the boyfriend. Have ya'll ever *crossed* the friendship line? Does the BF know about you? How long have you known this lady? I know it's a lot of questions, but it would help me offer you my input.
I am glad you're here w/ us. This is a great place for support and education from some of the most wonderful people.
Until I hear back from ya, take care~abbey
Posted by Monkeyoga on October 23, 2005, at 15:17:45
In reply to Re: I can't decide if I hate it when this happens » Monkeyoga, posted by crazy teresa on October 23, 2005, at 13:24:18
> That sucks. But it doesn't sound like it was meant to be. And you knew this going into it.
Actually, she piqued my interest before I knew of BF.
> Take what you've learned from this experience: You are a guy women find fun and enjoy being around! You can have effortless conversations with a hot thing!
Thanks for the kind words. I have a hard time believing these things but I'll try :)
> Have you ever considered that you're trying to come on to the women who'll never be happy with anyone due to your penchant for unpleaseable women? The said relationship with TCCotP who you knew was pretty much un-gettable didn't work out? Of course not, you insured that when it began.
No, I have never considered that. You're suggesting that I seek to continue the pattern of attemping but failing to please women that started with mom (poor mom always takes the blame). Interesting. True that I knew she was un-gettable, but I figured what the heck. No reason not to try to get to know someone interesting.
> Just from what I've read from this post, you're smart, work (always a plus!), have a fantastic sense of humor, and would treat a gril like a princess!
<blushes>
> Your new pal,
> crazy teresa (who will from now on think of you as Ape of Erotic Stretching!)Doesn't fit my self-effacing personality (OK, inferiority complex), but I'll take it!
Posted by Monkeyoga on October 23, 2005, at 15:27:35
In reply to Hey there! » Monkeyoga, posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 14:24:58
> I know you're torn up inside over this,
You got that right.
> but you never mentioned what she has had to say re: you and the boyfriend. Have ya'll ever *crossed* the friendship line? Does the BF know about you? How long have you known this lady? I know it's a lot of questions, but it would help me offer you my input.
>I met her maybe six months ago. BF probably knows I exist, and that I'm a friend, which is pretty much where things stand (I obsess, therefore I am?), which answers the other question -- no lines have been crossed. At this point, I just want to hang out with her, and as far as I can tell, that's the way she sees it. I'm not in love with her, nor do I even know if we are compatible (although I suspect yes). What she says about BF is the following: (1) "We're pretty tight," (2) the only thing that might break them up -- if anything -- is his disapproving mother (it's a religion/ethnicity thing -- he Indian, she white). Since I've known her, she has flown out to see him at least twice, and he at least once. Even I can decode these signals -- she is in no hurry to leave him.
> I am glad you're here w/ us. This is a great place for support and education from some of the most wonderful people.
Thanks, I really appreciate the support!
> Until I hear back from ya, take care~abbey
-TYM
Posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 16:15:15
In reply to Re: Hey there!, posted by Monkeyoga on October 23, 2005, at 15:27:35
I understand now. The best advice I have to offer is to break the relationship off with her, even as friends. You stated that this has you torn up inside. Either way you will hurt like hell for some time. She is w/ this BF and it sounds serious. You will only get more hurt if you continue the friendship. You could talk w/ her about why the friendship has to end. If not, you will continue to want what you can't have. There is someone out there for you but if your attention is on her, you may miss your chance with the right person. I would also work w/ a T if you're not already. I hope this helps some.
Take care~abbey
Posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2005, at 18:55:07
In reply to Re: Hey there! » Monkeyoga, posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 16:15:15
I've always heard the best relationships start with friendship. And I've always had better friendships with males. I see no reason not to continue being her friend. If you are comfortable with it possibly not going any further than that. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 23:35:49
In reply to I can't decide if I hate it when this happens, posted by Monkeyoga on October 23, 2005, at 10:31:05
Hi monk,
You know I have to agree with Phillipa, there's nothing like a romance that started first as a friendship. Even tho' this woman might be moving, she might not! But if she does, you've had a wonderful friend. Where did you meet her? Any chance you'll meet someone else there? Maybe look for friends in women, act like you're not intersted terribly interested in a serious relationship, and let things blossom.
It's too bad you don't think more of yourself because in writing you have a lot going for you. You're obviously well spoken and your very funny - that goes a long way. If you don't show the lack of confidence, maybe you'll get into a relationship and can be more real, like you are with the coolest woman. I mean you know what it is you're doing, so maybe try to hide it.
I'm glad the meds are working for you. Keep posting, we like you here.
fw
Posted by Monkeyoga on October 30, 2005, at 1:20:31
In reply to Re: I can't decide if I hate it when this happens » Monkeyoga, posted by fairywings on October 23, 2005, at 23:35:49
Thank you all for your advice. I sorta followed all of it, even though some of it was contradictary. Abbey, your post about breaking it off entirely made a lot of sense. I was getting attached and the more attached I got, the harder I would crash when she left (or rejected me). So I finally admitted this to myself and had a good cry, which seems to have flushed out most of the negative feelings associated with my attachment (I don't know how else to describe it). I backed off a while to get some perspective and by the time I talked to her again, I felt I was ready to be her friend. In fact, we just got back from a haunted hayride type thing with a mutual friend and his "date". It wasn't my idea, and I thought I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because it was a "date" type event and we're not dating, but I was wrong. We had a great time. She's really a lot of fun, and it continues to be the case that the more I get to know her, the more I want to get to know her. As of now we're tentatively scheduled to see a concert in a couple of weeks and if she sticks around we'll probably do more. Of course, that's a big "if"...
Anyway, thanks again for your support and kind words. I'm glad y'sall (that's Philly-speak) are around.
-Jamie
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