![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 21:53:17
hi everyone,
lately I've been thinking a lot about my college years, for some reason. I'm not sure why. It's been 15 years...Anyway, there was this one guy in college who completely broke my heart. He mashed it, pulverized it, stomped it. He was a foreign boy and I loved him obsessively and passionately, although we barely had a physical relationship. We were extremely close friends and would cuddle and hug (just a few kisses), and talked about everything. We were bestie friends, and I was sooo in love with him. He knew it. I wanted more but he did not. When it came time for him to go back to his country he started getting very cold and mean to me, and it hurt me so much. I know I was only a "kid" compared to now, and that what we had was probably weak at best, but I loved being with him.
Even now, although I'm very happily married and live thousands of miles away...even though I'm successful and established and friendly...sometimes I remember him and still feel mad and angry and bemused and amused and wistful all at once.
It seems that life is like an onion, do you agree? Every major period of life we grow another skin, but the previous one is just below it, there for the taking. My college-girl-in-love-with-XXX is still there inside me, and sometimes I still feel regrets over the past.
Is that weird? How do I stop those kinds of feelings? It's been so long ago, and I feel weak and stupid to remember it all. I'm sure HE doesn't remember me at all. Or if he does, it's probably with contempt. Why do I even care?
One time I was travelling with family and we happened to be in the country in which he lives. I thought seriously about looking him up, finding his street, walking by to sneak a peek. I did not do this, not even the looking up part. But the whole time in his country, I thought about him from time to time, wondering.
Weird? Lame? Creepy?
I don't understand myself sometimes. Why do I still CARE about that????JenStar
Posted by crazy teresa on July 23, 2005, at 13:26:09
In reply to advice about melancholy memories?, posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 21:53:17
That's not weird, creepy or lame. You loved him. And I'll bet he loved you too since he began to withdraw like that. Maybe he was pushing you away because he wasn't sure he could let you go unless he pushed. And I'm sure he would remember you! You never forget your best friends, even if you never see them again.
I think it's just part of human nature to wonder about the what if's in life. The onion is a good analogy. Each layer is a part of the life that we've had to live in order to grow and be who we are.
crazy t
Posted by smokeymadison on July 24, 2005, at 10:49:11
In reply to advice about melancholy memories?, posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 21:53:17
> hi everyone,
> lately I've been thinking a lot about my college years, for some reason. I'm not sure why. It's been 15 years...
>
> Anyway, there was this one guy in college who completely broke my heart. He mashed it, pulverized it, stomped it. He was a foreign boy and I loved him obsessively and passionately, although we barely had a physical relationship. We were extremely close friends and would cuddle and hug (just a few kisses), and talked about everything. We were bestie friends, and I was sooo in love with him. He knew it. I wanted more but he did not. When it came time for him to go back to his country he started getting very cold and mean to me, and it hurt me so much. I know I was only a "kid" compared to now, and that what we had was probably weak at best, but I loved being with him.
>
> Even now, although I'm very happily married and live thousands of miles away...even though I'm successful and established and friendly...sometimes I remember him and still feel mad and angry and bemused and amused and wistful all at once.
>
> It seems that life is like an onion, do you agree? Every major period of life we grow another skin, but the previous one is just below it, there for the taking. My college-girl-in-love-with-XXX is still there inside me, and sometimes I still feel regrets over the past.
>
> Is that weird? How do I stop those kinds of feelings? It's been so long ago, and I feel weak and stupid to remember it all. I'm sure HE doesn't remember me at all. Or if he does, it's probably with contempt. Why do I even care?
>
> One time I was travelling with family and we happened to be in the country in which he lives. I thought seriously about looking him up, finding his street, walking by to sneak a peek. I did not do this, not even the looking up part. But the whole time in his country, I thought about him from time to time, wondering.
>
> Weird? Lame? Creepy?
> I don't understand myself sometimes. Why do I still CARE about that????
>
> JenStar
i think that it is perfectly natural to still love him. i am a bit younger than you, but my high school love broke my heart 5 years ago and i still love him so much. even though i am in a serious relationship and looking to get married in the next year or so, i still wonder where he is and what he is doing.i would never leave my current boyfriend, but the feelings for the high school boyfriend will never leave me.
i wouldn't try to stop the feelings if i were you, they are part of you and have, in a way, determined who you are today. the most and best you can do is to figure out what coping methods have been established b/c of the memories and evaluate them to see if they are working for you or are holding you back. work on your decisions and methods of coping today and don't get so fixated on the past. if you put your attention into the present, then you can't ruminate over the past--you can't think about two things at once very easily.
hope this helps.SM
Posted by Ilene on July 24, 2005, at 16:22:35
In reply to advice about melancholy memories?, posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 21:53:17
I have also been obsessing about a former boyfriend. The relationship was brief but intense on my part. He was like no one else in the entire world. It's been about 25 years. I know where he his and what he's doing because he posted his resume on the web. I really, really want to contact him, but I know I won't. I don't think he thinks about me. I wish I could forget about him, in a way, but in another way I think I'm lucky to have known him.
Sigh.
I.
Posted by Mal on July 25, 2005, at 12:05:52
In reply to advice about melancholy memories?, posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 21:53:17
I get this, too JenStar. Usually about the first guy I ever loved, in HS, ~20 years ago. I occasionally run into his Mom (once a year or less).
THere is also a guy I didn't LOVE, but had a rocky ~6 month "relationship" with, that I wonder about. He was from the UK, and as far as I know, he is there and I am here. NO WAY would I call him up, but I do wonder wonder about how he ended up, if he ever thinks of me.
I have googled MANY people I used to know. Most of them aren't to be found. Even if they are listed I haven't made any contact. I just sometimes wonder where they are, how they are doing, if I ever meant anything to them...
I get wistful sometimes, but I know I made the right decisions. I know I am much better off in THIS life than I would have been in either of the WHAT IF lives.
YOu are not lame. Hope you have a good day...
MAL
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.