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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jimmyjgill on May 1, 2005, at 11:08:00
I had a relationship with a compulsive liar for the past year and it has ruined my ability to function emotionally or mentally. I am truly jaded at this point. Currently in therapy and taking medication. She confessed her problems early in the relationship but I felt we could over come the problem with love and trust. Bad move. She is also very ADHD. Two distinct personalities. On medication and off medication. Her ability to lie goes beyond belief. Except perhaps her own. I'm not sure she can have one conversation without including some sort of lie within it. I also believe her emotions are somehow connected to this compulsive falseness.
I have never had anyone tell me with such emotions how she loved me like no other. I was her best of everything and she would marry me in a heart beat. Tears included. These words were constant for 8 months throughout the relationship. I was her best lover, best friend, best relationship. No one ever treated her as well as I did according to her. She claimed I made her happy.
Suddenly, she no longer was in love with me. The last 3 months were the worst. One minute she would say I can't imagine not having you in my life, I love you so much. Again, tears included. 1 hour later she would tell me she is going on a date with someone else that she has strong feelings for and that she needed space. The next morning she would come over, tears again, expressing how much she missed being with me the night before. She called me one day to express how much her feelings had been growing for me again and that she was thinking about our future together as a married couple. She just wanted to let me know how much she loved me and was thinking about me. 3 hours later she called to say she was again going on another date. Her emotions completely different as if the previous conversation never took place. This kind of back and forth continued for weeks. We would be together having the best time ever. Laughing and playing like a couple of kids. She would express her love for me. Later, she would find some reason to excuse herself to do something outside. I would watch her from a distance to see that she was on her cell phone talking to the other person. I would later check her phone call history to prove my theory. Finally, one day she came over to talk. Wanted to let me know she loved me so deeply that I could not imagine just how deep but that she needed a little more time to think about things. Tears again. She asked me to not give up and to not stop loving her. She could not imagine not having me in her life. 4 days later she said she did not want to see or talk to me again and that she was in love with the other man. Not a word from her since.
During that last 3 months she was physically ill. Throwing up, headaches, breaking out in rashes. She looked terrible. I could see that emotionally she was hurting. I know that she lied a great deal about this other man she was getting involved with. Perhaps in an attempt to not hurt me. But the lies seemed to drive the emotions which rollercoastered at an insane cycle.
I believe the emotions themselves were very true but only based on the current lie she was living. When the lie changed, so did the emotions. Her lies can be quite dramatic at times. Very descriptive and detailed yet completely made up.
She has to be having trouble distinguishing the difference between lie and reality. I can't imagine someone like this being able to separate the two. I'm also shocked at how she was able to turn off all contact with me without looking back.
Could it be that our relationship, which was built on many lies, contains those emotions and memories. Now that she has moved on to another relationship, she has discarded those lies to start new ones. Thus her memory of me has departed some what with the discarded lies?Sad thing is that if see came running back to me I would accept her with open arms. She has so many great qualities it’s hard to believe she feels a need to lie to live and be accepted.
Any one out there with same experience?
Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2005, at 11:20:13
In reply to compulsive liars, posted by jimmyjgill on May 1, 2005, at 11:08:00
All I can say is that love is *not* enough.
I think we've been raised with too much romance.
If we could learn to watch the feelings of love for someone who is not likely to make a good partner like we would watch leaves on a stream, enjoying them without feeling like we need to act on them, a lot of the pain in this world could be lessened.
I know that's more easily said than done.
But if she should have a change of heart, remember how it feels right now and ask yourself if that's what you want from life.
Some people thrive on the highs and lows of a volatile relationship. Kids rarely do. It's something that might be worth exploring in therapy.
Welcome to Babble. Feel free to sit down and join us. There's a board devoted to Relationships, but sadly there isn't a whole lot of activity there. You still might want to look it over. Just follow the links at the top or bottom of this page.
Posted by 64bowtie on May 1, 2005, at 11:52:05
In reply to Re: compulsive liars » jimmyjgill, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2005, at 11:20:13
Posted by alesta on May 1, 2005, at 12:17:29
In reply to Re: compulsive liars » jimmyjgill, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2005, at 11:20:13
> If we could learn to watch the feelings of love for someone who is not likely to make a good partner like we would watch leaves on a stream, enjoying them without feeling like we need to act on them, a lot of the pain in this world could be lessened.i hate to keep posting, but that is *profound*, honay! i mean that is GREAT advice. i'm not sure whose is better, yours or bowties! (just kidding) anyway....thanks!!!!! i ought to tape that to my mirror or something...fantastic, miss dinah!
amy:)
Posted by TamaraJ on May 1, 2005, at 14:03:29
In reply to compulsive liars, posted by jimmyjgill on May 1, 2005, at 11:08:00
Welcome to Babble! I am sorry you are hurting. Sounds like for a while there, your ex-girlfriend wanted to have her cake and eat it too. And, you were her safety net at that time -if it didn't work out with the new guy, you would be there to take her back so she wouldn't have to be alone. Sorry, but to me that's not love, that is manipulation and self-centeredness. One of the most important things in any relationship is trust. It is, for me, the foundation upon which any relationship should be built, and upon which it thrives and ultimately survives. I can "tolerate" a perhaps well-intentioned lie, but lie upon lie upon lie eventually shatters trust and then respect, and I just don't know how love can surive or thrive when trust and respect are diminished or gone. Maybe you need to examine your feelings, particularly the ones that tell you that you would take her back if she would have YOU. I don't understand why you would take her back with open arms (good qualities or not) if, as you say, the relationship ruined your ability to function emotionally or mentally. Is it really love you are feeling, or is it lust and the thrill of a challenge (you can change her, etc.). You can't change her, only she can. And, it doesn't sound like she wants to change or is even aware that she really needs to change. You think that she needs to lie to feel accepted. But, she may well lie to ensure that she gets and keeps what she wants, what's good for her at the time. And, should you be given the chance to take her back, you would likely become just one of probably many enablers in her life who reinforces her belief that lying to satisfy your own shelfish needs and get what you want is a good thing. The choice, of course, is yours. I, for one, couldn't be with someone who has continually lied to me, and I certainly couldn't take someone back after knowing that they had lied to me over and over again. Trust is too important, and shouldn't be sacrificed in the name of love. I don't know, perhaps I am being naive and idealistic.
Posted by Phil on May 1, 2005, at 15:59:32
In reply to compulsive liars, posted by jimmyjgill on May 1, 2005, at 11:08:00
Posted by fallsfall on May 2, 2005, at 8:14:33
In reply to compulsive liars, posted by jimmyjgill on May 1, 2005, at 11:08:00
Maybe she has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) - formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.
If she did, then each identity you saw would be sincere, but they wouldn't necessarily combine together to an understandable whole. Did she remember being one way when she was the other? Or did she say that she never loved you? (you said: "Her emotions completely different as if the previous conversation never took place.")
You could try asking her (if she contacts you again) what her name is. Often people with DID have different names for different identities. You could try to figure out if she "loses time" - sometimes when a person is in one identity, the other identities don't remember what that identity has done. So Identity A will have no idea what happened between 2PM and 5PM, because Identity B was in control at that time.
If she has DID, she may not be aware of it, and her therapist may not be aware of it. It is a tricky diagnosis, and often is very scary for the patient.
Tread lightly. Good luck.
On the other hand, she may be a compulsive liar...
Posted by sunny10 on May 2, 2005, at 12:20:27
In reply to Re: compulsive liars » jimmyjgill, posted by fallsfall on May 2, 2005, at 8:14:33
If she's a compulsive liar, how do you know she actually cheated on you?
Many people with a fear of commitment and/or abandonment lie. They lie for all kinds of reasons. Mostly, they lie to refute their own prior words about how much they love you. They are attempting to "not love you", because to love you would mean they have to commit to you (or, in the case of abandonment issues, they are so afraid of being left behind again that they decide to "do the leaving", thinking it would be less painful).
Hard to say with a described "compulsive liar"...needless to say, there is somethin underneath her lies- something she will need a great deal of therapy to "undo".
If she does come back to you, don't greet her with open arms; greet her with the name and number of a great therapist and tell her to come back after she's been in therapy for a year!!
Learning this one the hard way, myself....
sunny10
Posted by AuntieMel on May 2, 2005, at 14:12:15
In reply to Re: compulsive liars » jimmyjgill, posted by TamaraJ on May 1, 2005, at 14:03:29
In my opinion, for what that's worth, you can't have love without trust. You can have romance, excitement, lust - and a darn good time, but love without trust? I don't think so.
Posted by jimmyjgill on May 2, 2005, at 15:29:12
In reply to Re: trust » TamaraJ, posted by AuntieMel on May 2, 2005, at 14:12:15
Not sure cheating would be accurate. She did leave me for someone. I happen to know who he is and have run into them already. Her sister told me she claims to be in love with this guy. Strange, I dated her for 9 months and she never told her family about us dating. She has already introduced this guy to her family within the first month. My logic says run but my heart has a difficult time giving up. I have always been that way. Much to my own demise.
Posted by kid47 on May 4, 2005, at 15:19:27
In reply to Re: trust, posted by jimmyjgill on May 2, 2005, at 15:29:12
Posted by PM80 on May 5, 2005, at 11:41:45
In reply to Re: trust, posted by jimmyjgill on May 2, 2005, at 15:29:12
She will not ever love you like you imagine she is capable of. She has not in the past and she will not in the future. Her failure, not yours. A few moments of happiness that you may have had with her have never become the consistent factor in your relationship. She does not want you right now - good for you!! Run away and find someone who will appreciate your willingness to fight for love. You deserve it and it does exist.
This is the end of the thread.
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