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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lydia on January 2, 2005, at 2:07:06
disclaimer: the following is really really just a confused selfconsumed me-trying-to-make-sense-Rambling.
...I do not know, I'm confused.
I'm trying to cope; I am only just now coming to terms with the fact that I am bipolar.
I'm 18 and have been ignorant my whole life, even growing up with a bipolar mother, to the fact that mental illness is Serious, horrifying, painful and resistant to willpower as it is. It had all hit me like a sledgehammer and I am just now, these past couple months, staggering back to a safe distance from the chaos of psychosis.
Trying to pick up the peices, most of which are irreparable. Namely friendships. I am reading, and I am getting frusterated. I do not talk to anyone anymore...and thats the worst because I am a VERY social person. So i feel like i must throw tantrums; which is new to me. I have destroyed every relationship I've had and...feel like i can't trust myself with people anymore. I'm ultraparanoid . That every thought I have is deluded. Totally ashamed of my loss of grasp on reality. I cannot stop second-guessing myself, I become obsessive this way.
This is all so new to me, I was not even moody through junior high or highschool.
My official diagnosis is bipolar1. (i prefer manic depression)
But i have not had any symptoms evaluated since that manic bout in the summer. I have been catatonically depressed. I have rapid-cycled. i have definatly experienced "mixed mania".
I do not know what*who I am anymore, I can't sort the me from the disorder, or..well what have you....But I know that something is very very wrong.
I am currently on antidepressents and a mild* (at my insisting) mood stabalizer.
and am wondering if this combination is simply wrong for me.
or, i wonder, am i borderline, do i have ocd, adhd, am i cyclothymic. agh f*ck theres too much.
my thoughts are tortured, and i do not know if this is simply the way i am,(GOD PLEASE NO.)
or, if its an inevitable result of this tumultuous year, or, if possibly i am inalterably flawed and damned to a selfconstructed hell. Or is this just an "Episode" .
Of something.
Or something.
And stuff. And sh*t. ahha haha.
I know I should be talking to somebody, I know I shouldnt be swallowing these pills every day with the knowladge that they most likely arent helping me. They may be the cause of this unnessiscary ..strife.
and i just wish i could feel Okay.I wish for understanding, i wish i didnt alienate everyone who ever cared for me. i wish they could understand how hard i am trying. That they don't think me Evil. Freakish.
Oh man.
and hmmm. i cannot decide wether i am angry at peoples confusion, about the lack of answers, lack of campassion and empathy that i really do* deserve, and OH THE *SSHOLES COLD CRUEL WORLD ARG i feel so hateful sometimes. ORRRRRRRRRrr, or am I really just this horrible failure of a human being, i deserve to be ridiculed, marginalized, isolated, i really am Crazy, an immature attention starved little girl. I really am the deceptive, conniving, manipulative, needy, unstable pretty little rich girl that they tell me i am.it is hard after experiencing a break with reality. not hard, its f*cking imposible to reckon with this, come back whole and dignified, self confident after something like that.
my self confidence is currently smashed beneath whale sh*t at the bottom of the ocean.
CURrently* . (I may wake up hypomanic tomorrow. And everything will make sense. I may even want to delete this post. So i will probably follow it with a hundred more posts trying to remedy my error in thought...) THIS is what is killing me currently.
and i wanna emphasize that this is alll sooo new to me. so your advice, your thoughts, would be very helpful i think. real people ,you guys are. this is good. i have never spilled my heart out to someone before who may actually understand. (i am also learning that spilling my heart out is VERRY VERRY dangerous. I DIgress, but last night, this boy who i've become devestatingly attatched to,
he saw me naked in every sense, this adorable little shithead , i spilled my heart to, and guess what he said to me last night: "i've just never seen anything like this, so its hard for me to beleive you." ...what..?? oh sh*t that burns. its burnns. this bastard, i love him, he called me a Little Girl, which isn't such a bad label, compared to what else ive been called , but coming from someone you...lust?? God.) hehesorry for straying from ...what was it i was talking about before? nevermind.and duuude this post is so long, me!me!me! i hate this crap. but em , you are good people and i am SO GLAD i found this site.
ehh, replys would be most appreciated. thankss.
Posted by slavegirl on January 2, 2005, at 7:12:02
In reply to hi. i'm NEW. i'm BRAND NEW!, posted by lydia on January 2, 2005, at 2:07:06
..and glad you found this place. I know what it's like to feel the way you do (also bipolar) and also had the feelings that meds are not working, and whats the point of taking them. I'm picking up HUGE anger from the feelings you're pouring out - HUGE, HUGE HUGS. You have true friends here and we accept you ...no matter what. I think the problem with friends that we lose or friendships that we tend to destroy is the fact that they've never been there or felt the way we do, or even gone through what we've gone through. Ever feel that sometimes we don't even want the friends we have...we'd prefer to be holed up inside, the true hermit???
Hugs
SG
Posted by lydia on January 2, 2005, at 10:52:40
In reply to WELCOME, posted by slavegirl on January 2, 2005, at 7:12:02
Posted by just plain jane on January 3, 2005, at 13:48:52
In reply to hi. i'm NEW. i'm BRAND NEW!, posted by lydia on January 2, 2005, at 2:07:06
Posted by Angel Girl on January 5, 2005, at 21:34:35
In reply to hi. i'm NEW. i'm BRAND NEW!, posted by lydia on January 2, 2005, at 2:07:06
Hi Lydia and welcome. I'm sure you'll find lots of support here.
I'm *older* than you and I'm also BP but I'm BPII with PTSD and anxiety. I can read the anger in your words and I understand completely how you feel. When I read your post, it's as if I had written your words. You're not alone sweetie. We know here how tough life is for you as we're all going through our own difficulties and there will be plenty of people who will be going through or has gone through what you are now. I know I can certainly relate. I don't even resemble the person that I used to be and I really don't feel that there is any hope of getting the person back that I once was. Life SUCKS!!!! Hang on and remember you are never alone here. We will listen, understand and comfort you. I'm glad you found us.
{{{{{{{{{{{{lydia}}}}}}}}}}}
AG
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