Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 3:08:07
Maybe it is just me but it feels like every where I turn right now I am reminded of what I am working on in therapy. I am a big Streisand/Dreyfuss fan and there was an old movie on tonight --"Nuts" -- that they are both in. I thought it was a comedy. It definitely wasn't. No one told me that in the middle of the trial it is revealed that she was sexually abused by her step father. I'm watching this and I feel myself getting more and more nervous -- I KNEW 15 minutes before they told us. It was like watching a train wreck, I couldn't turn it off. And then her mother says, "I didn't know..." and she SCREAMS at her mother, "you didn't WANT to know!!!" There were tears pouring down my face and I thought I would throw up.
I can't call my therapist -- I've seen him way too much this week. But I feel like someone is F***ing with me...I spent today struggling with a memory that might mean MY mom knew.
There should be warnings on movies like this. So I'm asking, what else should I not watch?
(TV can be just a deadly, I saw a Frasier episode where the wife worries about an obsessed client and reads the file, etc. I know it was supposed to be funny. It wasn't.)
Posted by 64bowtie on December 31, 2004, at 3:43:44
In reply to Movies we should be warned about, posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 3:08:07
> ...I spent today struggling with a memory that might mean MY mom knew.
><<< Is Mom still alive?
Rod
Posted by antigua on December 31, 2004, at 8:15:16
In reply to Movies we should be warned about, posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 3:08:07
I found "Prince of Tides" to be very triggering. My father was a military man and the abuse involved was horrendous.
antigua
Posted by Daisym on December 31, 2004, at 10:37:37
In reply to (((Daisy))), posted by 64bowtie on December 31, 2004, at 3:43:44
Yes. And she lives close and I see her/talk to her a lot. Sometimes I say that I wish I had waiting to dig into this stuff until both my parents passed away. My therapist always just raises the question, "did you have a choice?" He strongly believes the Psyche has its own time table.
Posted by TofuEmmy on December 31, 2004, at 12:19:19
In reply to Movies we should be warned about, posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 3:08:07
I found this list of traumatizing movies:
http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/1872/movie.html
It's outdated, but it does have "Nuts" on it. It does not have my two worst movies on it. I emailed the names to her, but my email bounced so I guess it's not maintained anymore. I'm sure there is a better list somewhere.
Anyhow, the two which were hardest for me had to do with suicide. "The Hours", of course I knew the topic going in, so I was prepared. But the scene with Juliet Moore's character driving away with her small son chasing after just about slayed me.
The movie that infuriated me was "The House of Sand and Fog". The big suicide scene in that one was basically a "How To", showing step by step, and was WAY too graphic, imo.
emmy
Posted by caraher on December 31, 2004, at 13:02:38
In reply to Re: Movies we should be warned about, posted by TofuEmmy on December 31, 2004, at 12:19:19
> The movie that infuriated me was "The House of Sand and Fog". The big suicide scene in that one was basically a "How To", showing step by step, and was WAY too graphic, imo.Yes! I was completely unprepared for how bad that was going to be (rented it on a positive but undetailed recommendation).
Posted by 64bowtie on December 31, 2004, at 13:43:53
In reply to Re: (((Daisy))) » 64bowtie, posted by Daisym on December 31, 2004, at 10:37:37
> My therapist always just raises the question, "did you have a choice?" He strongly believes the Psyche has its own time table. >
<<< If personal power is simply our ability to make a difference, then we can either delay or "hurry" a process, safely...
<<< Also, be direct! Ask Mom what she remembers about the years you are refering to. Time and a gain I've heard the outcome of this line of questioning and:
1. Mom was fogged out on medications, perhaps from surgery or other physical trauma.
2. Dad was scum who had cheated on her so he was no longer welcome in his bed.
3. Mom was just fed up with his drinking....
4. Dad was a despot and Mom was deathly afraid of him.These seem to be the most common stories from all different sources. Each shed light on how we end up best end up holding Mom accountable, from not very to mostly! This approach leaves her un-aware of your agenda. Confrontation without a (social) contract usually turns out badly.
The results is (social) emancipation from the highjacking and blackmailing emotions that might be ruining your days (and nights)!
Rod
Posted by antigua on December 31, 2004, at 14:05:28
In reply to (((Daisy))) I agree with small proviso, posted by 64bowtie on December 31, 2004, at 13:43:53
That list absolves the mother of all responsibility. My parents fit that scenario pretty well, but it doesn't let anyone off the hook. As parents, as a mother, I have responsibilities toward my children.
antigua
Posted by 10derheart on December 31, 2004, at 15:19:42
In reply to Movies we should be warned about, posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 3:08:07
Probably been discussed here already, but, "Woman, Thou Art Loosed". I have no csa in my past and parts of this movie had me crying, trembling and furiously angry and frustrated for the little girl's sake. I was unprepared and can't imagine how much more awful it could be for someone with a personal connection to abuse. Not b/c it's graphic, so much, just what happens, what you can imagine, and who knows about it is enough. Also there's stuff where she tells and gets screamed at and NOT believed. That was horrific.
Posted by Daisym on December 31, 2004, at 17:01:12
In reply to (((Daisy))) I agree with small proviso, posted by 64bowtie on December 31, 2004, at 13:43:53
The problem with movies is that they get to wrap up everything neatly in 2 hours. The question I have not answered for myself is: "what would talking to my family accomplish, for me or for them?" My mother is a smart, dynamic lady who just retired and is enjoying herself, rightly so. She is remarried, as is my dad. I like both their spouses tremendously. Imagine me dumping this out there...so many people would have their lives disrupted by stuff that happened 30 years ago. Including my own children. These are people who don't deserve the disruption or the pain. And what would that get me? I don't need my memories confirmed, I'm not a little kid who needs to be saved and I do want my family in my life.
It is just impossibly hard to think that my mother might have known and not stopped it. But even if she didn't know, some part of me thinks she should have. There were lots of really big signs.
btw, again, unlike the movies, my dad was a PhD, "nice guy" type...not too much drinking, no drugs, nice house, yard, polite children, etc. We looked so normal.
Posted by Daisym on December 31, 2004, at 17:02:14
In reply to Re: Movies we should be warned about, posted by TofuEmmy on December 31, 2004, at 12:19:19
Thanks for the web link. I never thought to check around and see if there is a list. I'll do that and post one if I find it.
Posted by fallsfall on December 31, 2004, at 19:50:33
In reply to Re: Movies we should be warned about » TofuEmmy, posted by Daisym on December 31, 2004, at 17:02:14
Don't watch "Bastard out of Carolina".
Posted by 64bowtie on January 1, 2005, at 1:40:08
In reply to Mothers and Movies, posted by Daisym on December 31, 2004, at 17:01:12
> Imagine me dumping this out there...so many people would have their lives disrupted by stuff that happened 30 years ago. >
<<< Be direct but surruptitious (syrup-titious) to get the info. There is no advatage to you other vengeance by "blowing up" your family. Suicide/mercinary bombers are terrorists; you don't want to be a suicide terrorist in your family; toooo messy! Use finesse instead...
I am not looking to exonerate your father. I am on your side, first and foremost. Your Dad was/is in abject-denial about the whole thing. Also, he probably thinks the troubles between your Mom and him some how lets him off the hook.
Really LIU types (LowIntelligenceUnits) actually report that they had some convoluted rights since rent and food is so expensive they are wierdly justified to use molestation as a means of restitution; eeuyyuk!
Abuse is still abuse, no matter how they might misspell it....
Rod
Posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2005, at 2:31:12
In reply to Like implied if I didn't say clearly...., posted by 64bowtie on January 1, 2005, at 1:40:08
Actually, the research about whether confronting family about CSA is helpful is mixed. There is no definitive answer, and thus, I view it as a personal choice, and one that should not be taken lightly.
gg
Posted by 64bowtie on January 2, 2005, at 2:16:44
In reply to Re: Like implied if I didn't say clearly...., posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2005, at 2:31:12
> I view it as a personal choice, and one that should not be taken lightly.
> gg<<< Very serious stuff! I sincerely hope I didn't seem toooo glib... I was suggesting that Daisy not confront her Mom to reconcile this upsetness. That would only be vengeance serving, and the outcome can't be beautiful.
Instead, I suggest Daisy can settle her mind by seeking tangent information if it is available. The new information can help her with "frame-of-reference" stuff; today she has nothing but uncertainty; quicksand can seem more certain.
I guess I have heard so many of these stories, I must have accepted it as the rule not the exception. I am not callous; I shudder everytime I hear another story.
Am I finally being clear? I worry everytime I talk to anyone about this stuff since its one of those emotional "minefields" in our lives. I've had much disappointment talking about it with survivors.
...your friend in knowledge, Rod
Posted by gardenergirl on January 3, 2005, at 11:16:25
In reply to (((GG))), I strongly agree with you!!!, posted by 64bowtie on January 2, 2005, at 2:16:44
> <<< Very serious stuff! I sincerely hope I didn't seem toooo glib... I was suggesting that Daisy not confront her Mom to reconcile this upsetness. That would only be vengeance serving, and the outcome can't be beautiful.I guess I read your prior post carelessly, and I somehow thought you were advising Daisy to confront her mother and/or father. Sorry for misreading it. But your statement above also concerns me as sometimes confronting is a healing process. That's what I meant by reporting my understanding of the research. Some studies show it helps healing, some show it does not, or it even hurts. The reasons a person may or may not seek to confront are multifaceted. Yes, I'm sure that vengeance can be a part of it, but that's not all, and certainly not in every case.
>
> Instead, I suggest Daisy can settle her mind by seeking tangent information if it is available. The new information can help her with "frame-of-reference" stuff; today she has nothing but uncertainty; quicksand can seem more certain.I see what you are saying here. I've done a similar thing myself with my own mother about some questions I have. It led to direct conversation about the topic, though. So I would imagine this might be tricky, but perhaps useful.
>
> I guess I have heard so many of these stories, I must have accepted it as the rule not the exception. ...> Am I finally being clear? I worry everytime I talk to anyone about this...I'm not sure what you mean in the above by "it". What "it" have you accepted as the rule?
gg
Posted by Jai Narayan on January 3, 2005, at 16:23:48
In reply to Movies we should be warned about, posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 3:08:07
> I'm watching this and I feel myself getting more and more nervous -- I KNEW 15 minutes before they told us. It was like watching a train wreck, I couldn't turn it off. And then her mother says, "I didn't know..." and she SCREAMS at her mother, "you didn't WANT to know!!!" There were tears pouring down my face and I thought I would throw up.
>I remember I had the very same reaction to incest victims stories.
I thought wanting to scream and needing to vomit was a normal response till...
The memories came rushing back physically and emotionally.
I was too young to remember the actual situation.
My therapist and I worked for months.
If you feel you need support....
call your therapist.
When it all came back to me I felt so incredibly alone.
For a while I was that same vulnerable child.
You know we are always here for you.
your buddy
Jai Narayan
Posted by 64bowtie on January 6, 2005, at 2:54:22
In reply to Re: (((GG))), I strongly agree with you!!! » 64bowtie, posted by gardenergirl on January 3, 2005, at 11:16:25
> I'm not sure what you mean in the above by "it". What "it" have you accepted as the rule?
>
> gg
><<< ...molestation
Rod
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