![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saw on September 14, 2004, at 5:08:10
I have a thought that is rolling around in my head like an out of control roller coaster. Is there any hope of recovery? I have so much to be grateful for. I have so many things that other people don’t have, and many blessings have come my way. Then the ugly memories surface of the trauma I had to suffer to have these blessings and the very core of me wants to scream IT’S NOT FAIR. Why did I have to suffer so much, I never did anyone else any harm!! Pathetic self-pity.
I have everything going for me right now, yet still struggle to muster a smile. I struggle to feel really joyful in my heart. I just don’t get any enjoyment out of being me!
I can’t work properly anymore; my concentration and focus betray me time and time again. I am so unproductive in a career where I have really applied myself in the past.
I feel worthless, useless, a complete failure. I have failed with my first marriage and it wasn’t my fault, I failed my son (he has developed ADHD because of my illness), and I have let my new husband down so many times. I keep making myself promises that I keep breaking. I can’t trust myself.
Just over a month ago, I would cry and cry when I felt like this. I can’t even cry now. I just feel empty, dead.
If I don’t like me, how must anybody else.:(
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on September 14, 2004, at 7:52:55
In reply to It's hopeless, posted by saw on September 14, 2004, at 5:08:10
How did you steal that tape out of my head? My depression became much worse when I had remarried, relocated away from painful memories, had a lovely home, a good job, and financial security. I felt so incredibly unworthy of these gifts that it left me hollow and unable to move in any direction. My therapist told me I had to change the fundamental beliefs in how I see myself, which I was certain was an impossible task. For me, trying to change from the outside in - treating myself to a manicure or a new hair colour - had temporary effects, and if anything, made me feel like I deserved such treatment even less.
The process I've been going through in EMDR treatment (more information about which can be found at EMDR.com), is helping me to see that what I've been doing is reacting to anxieties in life that have me sabotaging my own efforts.
The biggest barrier between me and my feelings of unworthiness has been alcohol. That rush to get a glass down me is a reaction to a feeling that I just can't "deal with it" any more. I am having to relearn how I deal with anxiety, in small increments.
What has helped me the most has been to become completely honest with my doctors and therapists. The brave face that the world has seen for years crumbled in what I felt was yet another defeat, but I know see that it was an opportunity for me to finally get the help I need.
I saw my EMDR therapist yesterday evening. Those who are sick of reading - I mean, familiar with my posts - know that I often am on top of the world after these appointments, brimming with optimism and newfound hope. That's what is going on here, but it strikes me that we were dealing with the very issues that have you so down now.
Your situation is not hopeless. You are able to reach out and share your pain here. That is one step. There are many other avenues available to help bring you back out of that pit you feel you're in.
Just know that we care, and we have felt the same way you have, and there are many of us who can confirm that things will be better for you.
pc
Posted by deirdrehbrt on September 14, 2004, at 8:01:50
In reply to It's hopeless, posted by saw on September 14, 2004, at 5:08:10
Sabrina,
Please don't blame yourself for all of these things. You know that some of them are in no way at all your fault, maybe none of them are.
I'm not a doctor, but I don't believe that your son's ADHD is your fault either, I think that's biological.
Depression sucks. Period. I know. It certainly feels like everything is your fault, but it isn't that way at all. You are sick, just like if you had the flu. It's an illness, and it's not your fault. I wish there were a vaccination for depression, but there isn't one. Those of us who are biologically configured to be depressed get depressed.
Ignore those who say 'just snap out of it'. They're idiots. They don't know anything about depression.
Take care of yourself the best you can. Pamper yourself when you can. Love yourself. Do what your doctor recommends. Take your meds. That's all any of us can do. Oh yeah.... Eat ice cream, and chocolate. Often. Especially when you're having a tough time. Like now.
Take care sweetie. We all care about you here.
Dee.
Posted by iris2 on September 14, 2004, at 14:06:16
In reply to It's hopeless, posted by saw on September 14, 2004, at 5:08:10
> I have a thought that is rolling around in my head like an out of control roller coaster. Is there any hope of recovery? I have so much to be grateful for. I have so many things that other people don’t have, and many blessings have come my way. Then the ugly memories surface of the trauma I had to suffer to have these blessings and the very core of me wants to scream IT’S NOT FAIR. Why did I have to suffer so much, I never did anyone else any harm!! Pathetic self-pity.
I feel the same way a lot of the time. It is okay to feel for yourself sometimes. Do not punish yourself for it by naming it "self-pity".
If you recognise you're feeling bad and that you have in the past and feel compassion for yourself that is not self-pity.>
> I have everything going for me right now, yet still struggle to muster a smile. I struggle to feel really joyful in my heart. I just don’t get any enjoyment out of being me!
>
> I can’t work properly anymore; my concentration and focus betray me time and time again. I am so unproductive in a career where I have really applied myself in the past.This is just past of the depression you are going through right now. I too cannot concentrate or focus. You made me feel better with this post as I think I a am stupid and when someone else recognises it for what it is I see it is the depression and I feel better about myself.
Just because you are having trouble feeling the joy now keep practicing. It might be easier the more you experience times to be joyfull about.
> Just over a month ago, I would cry and cry when I felt like this. I can’t even cry now. I just feel empty, dead.
> If I don’t like me, how must anybody else.You have a good start just by reaching out here. You reached out to me and it meant a lot. Those who understand will care about you and when you feel a little better we will still be with you to help you care about yourself.
Irene :) with some effort
Posted by antigua on September 14, 2004, at 14:40:53
In reply to It's hopeless, posted by saw on September 14, 2004, at 5:08:10
Can you try to do something nice for yourself today? Just to break the pattern? Today I had a really difficult T appointment and when I left all I wanted to do was numb out. Instead, I turned the car around, went to the nursery and bought 100 bulbs to plant. I'm no gardener (but I've always planted bulbs) but I'm desparate to find new ways to live that will make the hopelessness seem less intense. (plus, I don't have to plant the bulbs for a month so my procastination in this case will be a good thing!)
I know how you feel and I follow along, blindly at times, when my T tells me it will get better. Just try to hold on ... and be good to yourself. You certainly are not alone.
antigua
Posted by PhoenixGirl on September 14, 2004, at 20:54:42
In reply to It's hopeless, posted by saw on September 14, 2004, at 5:08:10
I know *exactly* how you feel. Exactly. I can barely cry anymore, no matter how bad it hurts. Often I too feel like there's no hope of recovery. But I know others have recovered before, and they're just as human as we are.
Posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 1:09:14
In reply to (((Sabrina))), posted by PhoenixGirl on September 14, 2004, at 20:54:42
Your comforting words mean so much. I am sad to say that today, I am feeling much worse. I am so boring. Watch this space, and keep a look out on writing too.
Thanks guys. I do so need you all.
Sabrina
Posted by Susan47 on September 17, 2004, at 0:57:39
In reply to Oh, everyone, oh thank you so much, posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 1:09:14
Sabrina, you're definitely *not* boring, but you are being really hard on yourself. (Sabrina) (I'm trying to get the parentheses down to a reasonable amount but the feeling is still there!)
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.