![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jess24 on July 15, 2004, at 16:33:02
Can you please help me - I don't really know where to start!
I have this incredible ability to attract people that are so 'wrong' for me. I give my all and end up so broken and bruised - this seems to be a pattern and I just can't seem to get out of it.
I recently met somebody that seemed to be so stable, so caring and appeared to have a lot to offer but again, I was left unhappy and misraeble. He seemed to turn on me after all the lovely things he said at the start - putting me down, picking on everything I did, trying to make me feel so bad about myself. However, I realised what he was doing and put a stop to it but I just cannot understand what it is in me that attracts people like this? I feel so sorry for him because he has been through so much in his life but then, so have I but I have been for counselling and have managed to overcome a lot of my problems, have achieved so much and am such a strong person.
I have been quite content being on my own despite the loneliness at times and when he came along I thought that finally Mr Right has appeared - we wanted the same things, shared the same dreams. We talked for hours and found that we both don't want or need the problems we have experienced - so why did I not recognise that he was just the same as the ones before? I decided that I couldn't do this again and ended the relationship (if one can call it that!) because I just can't bear to go through it again, being put down constantly, been made to feel inferior, insecure, and so anxious that I find life a struggle.
I know that we 'allow' people to do things to us but why can I not spot people that are 'dangerous'. I am so vulnerable and so unsure of myself and even though I recognise this, I still keep making the same mistakes.
How do you change a lifelong pattern and stop allowing people with severe problems into your life?
Thanks for 'listening'
Posted by partlycloudy on July 15, 2004, at 17:09:58
In reply to Deeprooted issues, posted by Jess24 on July 15, 2004, at 16:33:02
I am very sorry, but we were separated at birth. My personal take is that I pick up on subliminal signals: I'm attracted, I'm vulnerable; I have a history; I have strong opinions.
How about 20+ years of this? When I divorced my husband of 18 years, I was certain and happy that I might not have another life partner. When I met my husband (now we've been married 2 years); he seemed like TOTALLY not my type. He didn't seem concerned that I was screwed up, indeed insisted he was worse than I. (I have proved him wrong in that respect!!) But because he wasn't concerned, he didn't try to change me. Does that make sense? He thought that I was fine the way I was - even though I'm different now - so there was no controlling on his part at all.
Posted by Jess24 on July 16, 2004, at 2:20:39
In reply to Re: Deeprooted issues » Jess24, posted by partlycloudy on July 15, 2004, at 17:09:58
How wonderful to see a reply - thank you!! I am glad that things have eventually worked out for you and yes, I can relate to the 20+ years - believe me if I had to tell you all you would think that I have made it up. I have been involved with men that have committed suicide and I've ended up getting the blame, men that have tried to commit suicide. Womanisers, just horrible horrible men - they all share the same trait though, want to control. They start off by saying the most wonderful things to me but then once they get to know me and see that I am actually a very giving person, the trouble starts. They start putting me down, making me feel soo bad - I do recognise this and end it before it goes too far but I still end up being so hurt confused, angry and oh so many emotions.
Will chat later if that's okay - just wish I could get over this horrible ache in my heart - surely there are people out there that are genuinely kind and caring - why do they come across like that when they're not.
Posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 10:40:54
In reply to Deeprooted issues, posted by Jess24 on July 15, 2004, at 16:33:02
Hi Jess,
I am new here, but I wanted to give you my 2 cents. I too used to attract the "wrong" sort of people in my life. The proplems always arose when I would meet somebody during a depression. I was so desperate to have somebody to hang onto and so insecure that I would go with the first person that came along that was willing to "help" me through my hard times. Unfortunately they always ended up trying to control me. When the depression past, they always wanted me to need them and remain weak. However, when I am not depressed, I am a very strong and willful person and know my own self worth. I simply had to learn to not forge relationships when I am down. I learned to depend on my friends and family when I am this way (as I am right now). Unfortunately, most of the men that I have met when I am strong are wonderful people but ultimately can't deal with the mood swings...But I am certain that I will some day meet somebody who can love both the strong me and the depressed me.
What I am ttying to say is that I attract the wrong people when I am down on myself. Learn to love yourself more and I believe that you will learn to find the right sort of person for you. (Of course me telling you to love yourself is a grand hipocrasy as I am more down on myself now than I have ever been, but at least know not to look for Mr. Right until I am on my feet again.)
I don't know if this pertains to you but I thought it might give a little insight.
Hugs.
Indie
> Can you please help me - I don't really know where to start!
>
> I have this incredible ability to attract people that are so 'wrong' for me. I give my all and end up so broken and bruised - this seems to be a pattern and I just can't seem to get out of it.
>
> I recently met somebody that seemed to be so stable, so caring and appeared to have a lot to offer but again, I was left unhappy and misraeble. He seemed to turn on me after all the lovely things he said at the start - putting me down, picking on everything I did, trying to make me feel so bad about myself. However, I realised what he was doing and put a stop to it but I just cannot understand what it is in me that attracts people like this? I feel so sorry for him because he has been through so much in his life but then, so have I but I have been for counselling and have managed to overcome a lot of my problems, have achieved so much and am such a strong person.
>
> I have been quite content being on my own despite the loneliness at times and when he came along I thought that finally Mr Right has appeared - we wanted the same things, shared the same dreams. We talked for hours and found that we both don't want or need the problems we have experienced - so why did I not recognise that he was just the same as the ones before? I decided that I couldn't do this again and ended the relationship (if one can call it that!) because I just can't bear to go through it again, being put down constantly, been made to feel inferior, insecure, and so anxious that I find life a struggle.
>
> I know that we 'allow' people to do things to us but why can I not spot people that are 'dangerous'. I am so vulnerable and so unsure of myself and even though I recognise this, I still keep making the same mistakes.
>
> How do you change a lifelong pattern and stop allowing people with severe problems into your life?
>
> Thanks for 'listening'
Posted by Jess24 on July 16, 2004, at 12:07:35
In reply to Re: Deeprooted issues » Jess24, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 10:40:54
oh I can relate Indie, in a certain way but you see, when I DO get depressed on occasion (please believe me, I have reason and am just a normal human being trying so hard to survive this sometimes very cruel world of ours) I never reach for anybody to help me through it, I suffer it alone because I just don't want to drag anybody down with me. However, when I'm strong again and my happy self and feel that I can cope with whatever the world throws my way, this is when I seem to meet these people. It always starts as friendship and I realise that I am indeed counselling them but then I start feeling that I am starting to become dragged down with them cos that's when it happens. As soon as they start feeling better about themselves and are confident that I'm not the 'type' that they were involved with before (the users and abusers) then the trouble starts. They then feel they have the right to take all their crap out on me but I can't take it so have to withdraw. However, I end up feeling sooo rejected and wonder what is it in me that keeps allowing this to happen? I am a very non-judgmental person and am always for the underdog - because I've been there!!! So I use what I have experienced to try and help other people feel better about themselves and in so doing, I end up depressed again - feeling rejected although I know that I am quite popular as a person, people DO value my opinions and yet, when it comes to true love, I just can't do it. I end up in destructive relationships giving, and giving until I can't give anymore.
The baffling 'thing' is that women that seem to treat their men like dirt, are able to 'hang on' to them - so it seems that you have to be a real nasty person that thrives on playing games?? I am the total opposite, I DETEST people that play games - I am what I am and cannot for the life of me understand why people do this???
I am currently sitting here wishing that he would contact me because I really miss him - I miss that person I met before he started playing games and treating me so badly and yet I know in my heart that if he does come back and wins me round, it's going to end in tears.!!! Why do I always believe that there is hope when there isn't - it's going to destroy me if I can't get out of the same old pattern.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.