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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 0:30:46
i "accidentally" linked a post here to my exgf, now i'm paranoid she'll start reading this forum and start learning my deep dark secrets i couldn't tell her while we were together (or the ones that have surfaced since i havent been). i liked knowing no one knew i was here. she never really understands anyway. if i ever feel comfortable telling her something she always says something to the effect of "is it that bad?" or "do you really feel that bad?"
is almost swallowing a bottle of xanax "that bad," or do i actually have to do it to prove it to you?
thankfully, i don't have to prove anything to anyone. but i wish it didn't make me feel badly enough to cry.
i feel like everyone around me lately is in some sort of happy relationship. i recently ended a (not happy) relationship. it was all me. pushing him away for no real reason other than being depressed. and not wanting to be touched.
when will i find someone? when will i find someone who doesn't mind a bipolar schitzo girl with borderline behaviors and a penchant for dressing like a complete freak, even when approaching her 30s? when will i find someone who knows when to push me to talk and when it's best to let me have my time alone? when will i find someone who appreciates not just who i am but what i am?
what the hell is wrong with me that i keep screwing up everything i touch? today i killed a houseplant. killed it. violently. i was moving one of the many horrendous boxes piling up around here with two plants on it, and Grace (this lovely spiky-leaved plant my mother bought me from kmart and we rescued together) flipped over upside down and all three of her beautiful stalks of spiky leaves broke right off. i murdered a living thing today. i'm a horrible person.
i can't kill anything. it bothers me that vegetables die when i eat. (and i certainly can't eat fleshy creatures). it's kind of odd, really-- i can't bear the thought of taking anything's life, but should someone die, i'm not sad (for the most part). i'm jealous. jealous they escaped this planet while i'm still stuck here. turning everything i touch to crap.
i'm cycling like a son of a gun... the first shrink diagnosed me as whtaever bipolar is the 'milder" form (he called it, and i never remember 1 from 2, it's like left from right half the time with me, i can't be bothered with it, it's "over there"). anyhow. whatever. i didn't know the difference. i didn't care. i was just happy to have a word for what i felt: "bipolar." it was like the name of the weight that had been lifted from my chest. but i was only to discover that there were more words to follow.it's okay, though. i don't mind. i kind of like being a borderline bipolar schitzo... i think it makes me a brilliant scientist. (but a lousy girlfriend.)
how can you hate yourself and love yourself alternately from one extreme to the other over and over again? i feel like the waves of the ocean--- here in a flash and gone without a trace. hate then love, hate then love... hate then love. always ending with hate, though.
i wish i knew how to have friends without developing crushes on them. on the other hand, i wish just once someone would have a crush on me. a nice normal crush. without complications that always follow me, like husbands and wives, jealousy and hurt. even a pretend crush. someone to send me stupid sappy emails. i'll settle for anything. but then again, i'd be extra hurt to know it was all out of pity. a pity crush.
i know this man who is bipolar. he's brilliant. and funny... so funny.. he makes everyone around him feel good. he's got this incredible, beautiful, understanding wife. she knows how to handle his moods, she knows when theyre coming, or how to ward them off sometimes. she's incredible. why aren't more people incredible? why can't i find one?
are some people destined to be alone? is that me? maybe because i'm a houseplant killer, i can't be trusted with human life. but i used to be an EMT. that doesn't make sense. or maybe it does. my last shift worked, i had my first code, and the woman didn't make it. i swear i saw a rhythym on the heart monitor for just a second. maybe i imagined it. but my partner shocked her again... and it was gone. i never told anyone this before. but maybe i killed someone that day.
*what have i become, my sweetest friend? everyone i know goes away in the end.*
Posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 4:04:31
In reply to just an angsty lonely rant (long), posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 0:30:46
ghost
I feel compelled to reply to your post.
Firstly, I would feel the same if somebody I knew discovered that I frequent this board and knew my ID. I like the anonymousity and would panic should my family discover me here and be able to read my inner most thoughts. So, I can certainly understand your concerns with accidently linking to your xgf. The only thing that I can suggest to you is to change your ID if it makes you really uncomfortable. That way she wouldn't know who you are anymore. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I think you are referring to BP II. That's what I am too. Are you on meds to help with your cycling? Maybe they need some adjusting now.
Your words sound so much like what I would say about myself, the only thing different is that I don't go back and forth on loving and hating myself. I hate myself all the time.
I too, feel that I'm destined to be alone the rest of my life. Who is going to want to be with me, as screwed up as I am. Nobody wants to be with anybody who comes with so much baggage and lives in a different reality than everyone else. I screw up every relationship I ever have. It's my stupid actions that always does it. I don't know how to function in a *normal* world with *normal* relationships. I need lots of therapy before I'll ever get anywhere close to being *normal*.
<quote>
*what have i become, my sweetest friend? everyone i know goes away in the end.*
<end quote>
No truer words have ever been spoken. That one line is the story of my life. Everyone I come even remotely close to, goes away, either on their own because they can't handle me anymore or I pull back myself because I think it will be easier that way. It never is. The hurt is always the same, so another brick is put on the walls that I have built to surround me to protect me from the *normal* world.
I hope you find your special someone who will accept you for who you are, faults and all. Remember nobody is perfect.
I don't think you should take on the burden of guilt for what happened to that patient. I think you, like most depressed people, are so good at taking on the guilt for what is not our fault.
I think you should try to give yourself a break and not be so hard on yourself. You're not a bad person. I've only seen your posts as of today and you seem like a very nice person to me. :D
Talk to your pdoc about your meds. I'm not that experienced with this stuff but with the right meds and dosages, shouldn't cycling be held at bay? I know mine are and have been for a year now. I don't experience the hypomania anymore, instead I'm left with only depression.
Try to be kind to yourself. Sending you cyber hugs. (((((((((((((ghost))))))))))))
AG
Posted by TexasChic on June 15, 2004, at 9:22:55
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » ghost, posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 4:04:31
You and Angelgirl's posts really touched me. I feel like we're all kindred souls. Its easy for people to say you need to learn to love yourself, but just how in the h*ll do you go about doing it? The only comfort I can offer you is that you're not alone in your loneliness. The only thing I can do for myself is to keep trying. It helps me to know I'm not the only one struggling just to get through life.
Posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 12:04:09
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » ghost, posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 4:04:31
in reality, i should be doing something like going and getting a rental truck in order to move my stuff this afternoon (the two people taking/buying my larger items agreed to pay for the truck and help move the stuff, too, so i really have little to do, but i sure do hate the whole process).
anyhow.
> The only thing that I can suggest to you is to change your ID if it makes you really uncomfortable. That way she wouldn't know who you are anymore. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.
i really don't want to change my name. i'm ghost... i've been ghost for years all over the internet (and irl in some cases, heh). so fine... she can read it if she wants. she's an ex. i doubt we'll ever get back together anyway. may as well assume she's just a stranger now like everyone else on babble?
i don't know.
> I think you are referring to BP II. That's what I am too. Are you on meds to help with your cycling? Maybe they need some adjusting now.maybe they do. i was dumb today though at the pdoc's and said i felt better. i guess i fear upping the dose (which is probably what would happen since i'm currently on a low dose of my mood stabilizer and it helps a LOT, but it's not perfect, so upping the dose might do the trick)... irrationally. i do feel better though. just not perfect.
> Your words sound so much like what I would say about myself, the only thing different is that I don't go back and forth on loving and hating myself. I hate myself all the time.
i'm sorry. i wish you didn't. i hardly know you and i like you already.
> I too, feel that I'm destined to be alone the rest of my life. Who is going to want to be with me, as screwed up as I am. Nobody wants to be with anybody who comes with so much baggage and lives in a different reality than everyone else. I screw up every relationship I ever have. It's my stupid actions that always does it. I don't know how to function in a *normal* world with *normal* relationships. I need lots of therapy before I'll ever get anywhere close to being *normal*.
i know what you mean... although i wonder if we'll ever truly be normal (or close to it) if it took us therapy to get there... that in and of itself makes us abnormal because "normal" people don't need therapy. catch 22.
it's weird you know exactly how i'm feeling. you echoed my feelings exactly.
> I hope you find your special someone who will accept you for who you are, faults and all. Remember nobody is perfect.
i hope you do, too. it's easy to hear that nobody is perfect but that doesn't stop me from holding myself to higher standards. (and then we could get into the pedastals i put everyone i'm with on... sigh.)
> I don't think you should take on the burden of guilt for what happened to that patient. I think you, like most depressed people, are so good at taking on the guilt for what is not our fault.that's a really good point. and well-said.
> I think you should try to give yourself a break and not be so hard on yourself. You're not a bad person. I've only seen your posts as of today and you seem like a very nice person to me. :D
awww. *hugs*
> Talk to your pdoc about your meds. I'm not that experienced with this stuff but with the right meds and dosages, shouldn't cycling be held at bay? I know mine are and have been for a year now. I don't experience the hypomania anymore, instead I'm left with only depression.
i think i would miss the mania. :/
(((((AG)))))thanks. i needed all that.
Posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 12:05:07
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long), posted by TexasChic on June 15, 2004, at 9:22:55
isn't it weird how we can all feel so close-knit and relate to each other without ever having met?
but it's things like that that keep me alive some days.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 4:03:36
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long), posted by TexasChic on June 15, 2004, at 9:22:55
> You and Angelgirl's posts really touched me. I feel like we're all kindred souls. Its easy for people to say you need to learn to love yourself, but just how in the h*ll do you go about doing it? The only comfort I can offer you is that you're not alone in your loneliness. The only thing I can do for myself is to keep trying. It helps me to know I'm not the only one struggling just to get through life.
TexasChicHow do we learn to love ourselves? Well, isn't that the million dollar question. I need to start by learning to even *like* myself. Even that seems like an unobtainable goal for me right now. I think the answer is THERAPY and LOTS of it, at least for me anyway.
And yes, you're not alone. I know a lot of the time it feels that way. That's one of the reasons that I come here. It's not that I wish this hell on anybody else but at least I feel like I can fit in somewhere because I sure don't fit in anywhere else. Here we can find companionship, understanding, love, concern and people who really want to help each other because we all *understand* and *feel* the pain that each other has. Where else are you going to find that?
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 7:28:49
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » Angel Girl, posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 12:04:09
ghost
I understand your position on not wanting to change your name. I feel the same way. Besides if you have different names for all the places you go on the net, it would be pretty hard to keep track of it all. I'm glad it doesn't bother you too much that she'll be able to come here and read your inner most thoughts. We can only pray that she has better ways of spending her time than to look up a previous bf's posts on a msg board.
Why do you fear an increase in your dosage if it could make you feel better?
That's so sweet of you to say that you like me when you barely even know me. I'm more used to hearing criticism and people telling me what I'm doing wrong all the time. I feel like I can't do anything right. Basically, I think the *normal* world is just sick of me and my irrational and paranoid thoughts. Actually, I'm sure you'd feel the same way as everybody else if you *really* got to know me. I don't seem to be able to maintain any kind of relationship anymore.
You got a point about therapy and the catch 22 scenerio. I'd like to say otherwise, but I'd be lying if I did, but I don't have much hope in ever being *normal* anyway.
I know what you mean about higher standards for yourself. I'm the same way.
I totally agree with you on missing the manic episodes. I do too and I'd have to say that those are the times that I could honestly say that I felt any kind of joy. Now that they're gone, so is the joy and happiness. Only sadness remains.Thanks for the cyber hugs. I really needed them too. I've been having a very rough week.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 8:23:47
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » TexasChic, posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 12:05:07
> isn't it weird how we can all feel so close-knit and relate to each other without ever having met?
>
> but it's things like that that keep me alive some days.I feel exactly the same way. :D
AG
Posted by ghost on June 16, 2004, at 10:48:30
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » ghost, posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 7:28:49
> We can only pray that she has better ways of spending her time than to look up a previous bf's posts on a msg board.
heh. actually, i'm a chick.
> Why do you fear an increase in your dosage if it could make you feel better?
good question. i never really thought about it. i guess it's subconscioius... a few months back, i had a pdoc who just kept upping my dosage instead of realizing that i needed more help than what the one med could offer. went from 7.5 mgs of the drug to 70 mgs, and nothing was improving. i was just getting sick from the drug and spiralling downward. i guess i just fear that again.
> That's so sweet of you to say that you like me when you barely even know me. I'm more used to hearing criticism and people telling me what I'm doing wrong all the time. I feel like I can't do anything right. Basically, I think the *normal* world is just sick of me and my irrational and paranoid thoughts. Actually, I'm sure you'd feel the same way as everybody else if you *really* got to know me. I don't seem to be able to maintain any kind of relationship anymore.
i don't think like everyone else. i'm crazy, remember? ;) and i hope i get the chance to *really* get to know you. i'm sure things will work out just fine.
> You got a point about therapy and the catch 22 scenerio. I'd like to say otherwise, but I'd be lying if I did, but I don't have much hope in ever being *normal* anyway.
me either.
> I totally agree with you on missing the manic episodes. I do too and I'd have to say that those are the times that I could honestly say that I felt any kind of joy. Now that they're gone, so is the joy and happiness. Only sadness remains.
are you getting any kind of help to deal with the depression that's taken over?
> Thanks for the cyber hugs. I really needed them too. I've been having a very rough week.must be in the stars... my week's been pretty rough too. and it's only wednesday!
Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 11:53:49
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long), posted by ghost on June 16, 2004, at 10:48:30
ghost
Ooops!!! Sorry, my bad. I knew you were female. My brain malfunctioned when I typed that.
Are you seeing the same pdoc now as you were when that other drug was being increased and nothing else was being considered? If so, maybe it's time for a new pdoc. you could also ask your pdoc what he/she thinks is the best thing for you. Remember, just because something is recommended to you, doesn't mean you have to take it. My pdoc wants to introduce 2 new meds to me since I just stopped one. After researching them both, there is absolutely no way I will be taking one of them. If she doesn't like that, too bad. It's MY body and MY brain. Just ask your pdoc for suggestions and then come on the net and research them before any final decision is made. That's what I do. I never take anything blindly because a dr wants to prescribe it.
Oh yes, 2 crazies being friends. It probably works better than most other friendships. lol!!!
Help for my depression? Gosh, my meds or dosages of them are changed every single time I go to the pdoc. Even the pharmacist has spoken to me about it on more than one occassion. The pharmacist told me that it is evident that after 2 years of screwing around with the same drugs isn't working and my pdoc should start all over again with different drugs. Well, now that I stopped taking one mood stabilizer, my pdoc thinks she is replacing it with 2 new meds. I know something has to be added but I'm not sure what. Everything has so many side effects and I'm so drug sensitive. Plus I want to make sure that whatever is added is going to be the best thing for me. I don't have any more hyponmanic episodes but I do suffer for chronic depression. That being the case, I want something that is for depression more so that mania.
Sorry you're having a rough week. Hopefully it will improve soon. Mine actually started going downhill last Friday when I stopped taking one of my mood stabilizers. Going through withdrawal now, not much fun. Not sure how long this will last but hopefully not much longer.
Hang in there. We'll both make it through this. Maybe next week will be all sunshine and roses. Yea right, only in my dreams.
AG
Posted by ghost on June 16, 2004, at 14:03:44
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » ghost, posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 11:53:49
> Ooops!!! Sorry, my bad. I knew you were female. My brain malfunctioned when I typed that.it's okay :) i actually chose the name ghost when i first picked a net nickname because of it's gender ambiguity ;)
I'm seeing a different pdoc now. i ended up being hospitalized a month ago (i posted about it), and i asked to see the oncall pdoc instead of that jerk, and this new guy agreed to see me outside once i was released, too. he's a really nice guy. i'm sorry i'm moving and will have to find a new pdoc.
not to turn this into a med-thread (heh), but have you/did you try lamictal? i just started that and a few of my BP friends swear by it. my pdoc said it was a good choice for people who tend to be more depressed than manic, which it sounds like we both are. i really like it so far.
> Oh yes, 2 crazies being friends. It probably works better than most other friendships. lol!!!
i think so ;)
wow. it sounds like you've been through a LOT for you depression. i really hope you can find something that works for you soon... it's so miserable to be on the downswing of a depressive phase. incidentally i love pharmacists. sometimes they know more about drugs than the doctors. they're so well-trained.
here's to a better week next week, ok? :)
Posted by TexasChic on June 16, 2004, at 14:06:11
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » ghost, posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 11:53:49
I just realized I've been getting you and Angela2 mixed up! I thought I was talking to the same person all along. LOL! So if I say anything weird like, "how's school going?" and you're not in school, just tell me that's the other one that begins with Ang. :-)
Posted by Angel Girl on June 18, 2004, at 9:55:08
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » Angel Girl, posted by ghost on June 16, 2004, at 14:03:44
>
> > Ooops!!! Sorry, my bad. I knew you were female. My brain malfunctioned when I typed that.
>
> it's okay :) i actually chose the name ghost when i first picked a net nickname because of it's gender ambiguity ;)
>
> I'm seeing a different pdoc now. i ended up being hospitalized a month ago (i posted about it), and i asked to see the oncall pdoc instead of that jerk, and this new guy agreed to see me outside once i was released, too. he's a really nice guy. i'm sorry i'm moving and will have to find a new pdoc.
>
> not to turn this into a med-thread (heh), but have you/did you try lamictal? i just started that and a few of my BP friends swear by it. my pdoc said it was a good choice for people who tend to be more depressed than manic, which it sounds like we both are. i really like it so far.
>
> > Oh yes, 2 crazies being friends. It probably works better than most other friendships. lol!!!
>
> i think so ;)
>
> wow. it sounds like you've been through a LOT for you depression. i really hope you can find something that works for you soon... it's so miserable to be on the downswing of a depressive phase. incidentally i love pharmacists. sometimes they know more about drugs than the doctors. they're so well-trained.
>
> here's to a better week next week, ok? :)
ghostFunny you should mention Lamictal. That's the mood stabilizer that I'm going through withdrawal from. HELL!!! 6 days ang counting . . . will this itching EVER stop? At least the excrusiating headaches are FINALLY gone. Rashes and itchiness still remains and nothing seems to work to counteract it. I even called my pharmacist yesterday for advice.
Sorry you have to find a new pdoc when you like the one you have now. That sucks! I'm just now considerting looking for a new one when I'm finished with this dang withdrawal. I can't say that I've ever been *really* happy with her and her knowledge of Lamictal is *nil*. I was already on it when I first started seeing her, so she's not much help to me while I'm dealing with all this crap right now. ugh!!!
I think sometimes pharmacists know more about the drugs than pdocs do too. I have a very good pharmacist who is always asking me how I'm doing. She takes real good care of me. Now if only I could find a pdoc that good, oh and while I'm at it, I need a therapist too. <sigh>
Good luck with the Lamictal. It worked good for me too until I started getting rashes. :( I hope your luck is much better than mine was.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 18, 2004, at 9:57:58
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » Angel Girl, posted by TexasChic on June 16, 2004, at 14:06:11
> I just realized I've been getting you and Angela2 mixed up! I thought I was talking to the same person all along. LOL! So if I say anything weird like, "how's school going?" and you're not in school, just tell me that's the other one that begins with Ang. :-)
TexasChiclol!!! Haven't noticed anything weird yet but if I do, I'll let you know. lol!!! No worries.
AG
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 10:50:28
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » ghost, posted by Angel Girl on June 18, 2004, at 9:55:08
whoa. i hope to hell i don't get a rash. i read up on them and now am scared silly, but the drug WORKS.
my pdoc was going to put me on trileptal instead of lamictal. he said both were very similar in their effects but lamictal had fewer side effects (except the rashes). is that an option for you?
and THANK YOU for the warning about the withdrawls. what dose were you on? i'm only on 25 mgs a day right now.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 18, 2004, at 11:24:41
In reply to Re: just an angsty lonely rant (long) » Angel Girl, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 10:50:28
> whoa. i hope to hell i don't get a rash. i read up on them and now am scared silly, but the drug WORKS.
>
> my pdoc was going to put me on trileptal instead of lamictal. he said both were very similar in their effects but lamictal had fewer side effects (except the rashes). is that an option for you?
>
> and THANK YOU for the warning about the withdrawls. what dose were you on? i'm only on 25 mgs a day right now.
ghostI'll have to do some net research on Trileptal. No decision has been made yet as to replacement. We're waiting for the Lamictal to get out of my system first.
I was on 150mg/daily of Lamictal and also Depakote 500mg/daily. I *was* trying to replace the Depakote with Lamictal. Somehow I doubt my pdoc will be decreasing my Depakote anymore now. I HATE that med. I started Lamictal at 12.5mg/daily and increased by 12.5mg/daily every 2 weeks until I reached my highest dosage of 150mg/daily. So, as you can see, it took me a *long* time to get to that dosage. The reason for the slowness was to avoid the rash. hahaha. Guess it didn't work eh! ugh! Now, it's back to the dang drawing board. I'm not sure what I'm going to end up taking. So far, I can't take Lamictal, Lithium and I *was* weaning off of Depakote. <sigh>. Doesn't anybody make any medications with NO side effects? :(
Anyway, good luck yourself. You'll probably be ok, if you go up slowly like I did. My problem is that I'm very drug sensitive and I'm also on Depakote, which is a drug interation.
AG
This is the end of the thread.
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