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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 20:55:54
Hi
I am desperate.
I have been depressed as long as I remember (about 20 yrs) and I have been in treatment for about 3 years. I've been on most of the drugs except MAOIs which i won't go on. I've had ECT, both regular ECT and maintenance ECT. I've been having counselling with a psychologist for 2yrs where we did some CBT, some psychodynamic therapy, sandplay, anything really, and now with my psychiatrist who also does psychodynamic therapy. I still wake up every morning wishing I hadn't. I struggle through the days, I hate myself, I have an eating disorder that comes and goes, I am terrified of people, so I rarely go out cept for therapy, shopping and work, I rarely answer the phone, I don't socialise because i find it too demanding to pretend to be happy for so long.
I live with my partner of 4 yrs who works full time to try to support us. We have 2 cats. He is depressed and just started meds because of me (and partly because of his family).
I'm desperate. I have no hope for the future, I can't seem to find anything that helps me treat this condition. I can theorise about what is wrong with me but that doesn't seem to help. I'm so very sad all the time and tired of waking up every morning wanting to be *not alive*. Suicide is becomming a real option, because I cannot see any other way out of this.
Any ideas? Please help me. I don't want to die, I want to be "normal", able to wake up feeling ok, able to do things and enjoy things.
CC
Posted by shadows721 on May 27, 2004, at 21:26:41
In reply to desperate, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 20:55:54
I don't know that much about maintence ECT. So pardon my ignorance, are you on medications now too? Are you in contact with an MD? It sounds like you need to get in contact with one right away. I don't want you to hurt yourself either. Please don't give up.
I am an antidepressant, mood stabilizer, antipsychotic and antianxiety med. The mood stabilizer, Topamax (15 mg for a tremor), that has helped me not feel so suicidal and not be frighten around people. I got scared everytime somebody just looked at me. I gave up on that Normal thing about about 4 months ago. I will settle for being able to think clearly.
Posted by owenus32 on May 27, 2004, at 22:18:55
In reply to desperate, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 20:55:54
Maybe you should try running 2 miles a day or every other. Or forcing yourslef to go out. When I started aa I was like that and I had to go every day anyway. It takes time but it lifts. Like in AA after a while the misery lightens and you may not even realize it and you're like wow it's not as bad as it was/
Posted by owenus32 on May 27, 2004, at 22:20:43
In reply to desperate, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 20:55:54
suicide is not an option because whether you believe it or not you will be hurting others really bad if you did. Like I could never do it bc of my family and cat.
Posted by tterees on May 27, 2004, at 22:41:21
In reply to desperate, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 20:55:54
Dear ceesea,
I really don't have any ideas that will help, but you said two or three things that maybe you can focus on.
#1 - You said "I don't want to die." Yeah! That is really really really big - REALLY. To not want to die is one step away from wanting to live. Actually live not just exist. Are you familiar with the stages of change? One of the first stages is Contemplation or Pre-contemplation. Just thinking about it, gets you started on the path to change.
#2 - You said "Partner." I know your partner is going through some tough stuff right now, but you guys are partners. You are there for each other. Always keep that in mind. For some reason, if you are carrying 20 pounds around, and your partner is carrying 20 pounds around, and you both start carrying 10 lbs of each others it is not quite so heavy. For some reason 10 + 10 lbs is not as bad as 20 lbs.
#3 - You said "two cats". You have a responsibility to your cats. And I don't care what anyone says -- cats do love you (and I am a dog person, with a cat I love, but a dog person still) Imagine how confused your cats would be if you weren't around. And how could anyone explain to them?
So hang in there. Please.
Posted by justyourlaugh on May 27, 2004, at 22:50:10
In reply to Re: on suicide, posted by owenus32 on May 27, 2004, at 22:20:43
c,
i am one of you.
i feel your deep deep pain.
our medication means nothing .
our dx does not lable us .
it will get paralizing..for a horrible horrible lifetime...
the hope we strive for may never come..today..
but it will?
i cant see the bricks of the yellow road..but i can smell the sunshine yellow...
i will hide under this toadstool, out of this rain...
will you take the shelter?
j
Posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 22:51:37
In reply to Re: desperate, posted by shadows721 on May 27, 2004, at 21:26:41
hi
maintenance ECT just meant I had a treatment once a week, instead of the concentrated block of 3 times a week for 2 weeks. it didn't help because the side effects outweighed the benefits (whereas the 2 week block was quite helpful).
Yes I am on meds, I take edronax 8mg BD, seroquel 25mg nocte, largactil 25mg PRN (weaning off that) and atm Zyban as well but that is to stop smoking.
I see my psychiatrist, who controls my meds, every monday and thursday mornings. i have a mobile phone # to call him after hrs if i get worse, need to ask anything or need to go to hospital.
Posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 22:54:37
In reply to Re: desperate, posted by owenus32 on May 27, 2004, at 22:18:55
hi
i am on the waiting list for a gym program FIT (fitness integrated therapy)which my case manager will pay for (or her department) but the organiser is really slack. i do force myself out, i work part time with people (retail) so i have to talk to them and my co-workers, and i get a lot of excercise at work too (stacking cartons mostly). i haven't found that it has lifted my mood at all. i still force myself to go though, in 3 months i have only missed one day.
Posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 23:00:07
In reply to Re: desperate, posted by tterees on May 27, 2004, at 22:41:21
i know he loves me, or he would not be here, but he is getting sick because of me.
and the cats, well one of them would miss me yes, but the other one is brain damaged, he loves everyone and everything and probably doesn't recognise me when i come back in from hanging the washing out.
i think of them
i think of my mum and stepdad who are hurting because i am sad and they can't fix it
i know it's wrong but depression, misery, is irrational i'm sure you know that
i need relief from this mess, or at least something to hope for/about.........a treatment idea, a reason for my not reacting to drugs and therapy, i don't know
sometimes i think i'm not sick at all, i'm just a horrible person
CC
Posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 23:02:27
In reply to cee...., posted by justyourlaugh on May 27, 2004, at 22:50:10
i can't smell, see or feel the sunshine (ironic as i am in sunny qld, supposedly)
i just want some hope
something to give me hope
some relief from the misery
CC
Posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 23:05:40
In reply to desperate, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 20:55:54
thankyou for your responses and sorry i am not more positive about it all
i don't mean to argue
i just can't see a future for me because i can't see the next step, or any step
i'm being watched 24/7 when i'm not at work or asleep so don't worry i'm sure they'll keep me here whether i want to be or not
thanks it means something that all these people who don't know me would respond
CC
Posted by justyourlaugh on May 27, 2004, at 23:24:46
In reply to Re: desperate, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 23:05:40
cee.
that is something.
strangers can know your pain..you are really not alone...
you cant feel us but we are always here..
i take to bed tonight your post..
i cant help you but i cant truely understand..
..give you a kind ear..
j
Posted by shadows721 on May 28, 2004, at 0:11:15
In reply to desperate, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 20:55:54
You aren't a horrible person. The depression is not your fault. Actually, these negative self views are coming from the depression. It's almost impossible to see that when you are in that rock bottom state of mind. Just don't act on these feelings.
I am glad that you have support. Also, it is no fault of yours that your partner has depression too. Depression isn't a contagious disease. Blaming yourself for their illness doesn't make yours any better. You are doing all you can right now. Just stay safe.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 28, 2004, at 7:18:51
In reply to desperate, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 20:55:54
((((ceesea)))) You are not a burden to your family and boyfriend. They are worried and keep watch because they care for you so much. You have to believe that you are worthy of that love, that the depression can be fought off eventually. You are more tenacious than you think, and therapy plus medication, plus keeping yourself in the workforce (which is huge, it keeps us connected to the rest of the world which we need) - you are doing all the right things. If you have been feeling badly for a long time perhaps a change of doctor would be in order. Just a thought.
Take care,
partlycloudy
Posted by tterees on May 28, 2004, at 8:23:47
In reply to Re: desperate » tterees, posted by ceesea on May 27, 2004, at 23:00:07
YOU DID NOT MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND SICK! OK, so now that I am done yelling -- hang in there. Hang onto family, friends and cats.
This is the end of the thread.
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