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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 26, 2004, at 9:04:46
I'm going through another down period. It doesn't really matter why, it's something trivial that got out of hand, just like the last one a couple of weeks ago. Again, I feel like I don't belong anywhere in this world except for with people who are also suffering from some type of mental illness. I can't seem to get along with anybody else no matter how hard I try, I'm too different, we can't relate to each other. Sometimes I feel it's not even worth trying anymore, all I get is rejection and hurt and God knows I've already had enough of that to last a lifetime. I don't want any more. I haven't felt this way since I was severely depressed and suicidal. Don't worry I'm not suicidal now. I guess I'm just realizing that I've regressed back to where I started at a rapid rate. Too many things happening to me that are really hurting me a lot lately. Nobody understands me. I'm so depressed again.
Anyway, I've been playing one of my fave CDs a lot lately and all of a sudden the lyrics of one of the songs jumped out at me. It's how I feel about my life right now. I've heard this song a million times before and never thought about it in that way before, it was just a song as any other but today I noticed that I can totally relate to the lyrics. Here are the lyrics.
BTW, when reading the lyrics, just change the word 'you' to 'life'
A Place In The Sun - Tim McGraw
Long ago, far away
I felt your (life's) lovin’ glow upon my face
Was it a dream or just a promise made
What is my destinySomeday I’ll find a way to shine
Leave all these rainy days behind
I know there’s got to be
Some place warm and bright for me
I’m running out of places I can run
Looking for a place in the sunDarkness hangs overhead
Close to the point where angels fear to tread
I close my eyes and think of you (life) instead
And pray you’ll (life) be here soonSomeday I’ll find a way to shine
Leave all these rainy days behind
I know there’s got to be
Some place warm and bright for me
I’m running out of places I can run
Looking for a place in the sunSometimes it feels like this whole world’s against me
And every beaten path
Is just another winding road that tempts me
Far from you (life) and all that’s true
I’ve got to find my way againSomeday I’ll find a way to shine
Leave all these rainy days behind
I know there’s got to be
Some place warm and bright for me
I’m running out of places I can run
Looking for a place in the sunYeah I’m running out of places I can run
Looking for a place in the sun
Oh, won’t you (life) shine down on me Sunshine?
I feel like I've lost my place in the sun, my place in life and I have to find my way back and leave all this depression behind. I'm back to where I was in the very beginning of this hell except I don't have the suicidal thoughts this time.Angel Girl :(
Posted by Scott in Vermont on May 26, 2004, at 13:20:17
In reply to A Place In The Sun, posted by Angel Girl on May 26, 2004, at 9:04:46
Angel,
For what it is worth, I read your post and I will say that I can relate through my own experiences. While the specifics would be different, the feelings are very much the same.
I know the pain of being misunderstood, of not being able to communicate my feelings so that people would understand me, and of being rejected by those whom I thought would accept me no matter what.
I'm lucky to have found my place in the sun. But I have faced that darkness more than once, and a few times I went from the sunlight to abject darkness in a very short period of time. I felt myself going down the same slide that you are on now. I knew I was on my way down, I knew I was possibly on my way "out"... and I felt absolutely powerless to do anything about it.
If you have anyone who connects with you on any level right now, talk to them. Even if it is email or IM, it's a real live person on the other end of that screen, and chances are that they do care. You're still sliding, but you haven't hit the bottom yet. Try to dig in right where you are. Try to stop sliding. I know that sounds impossible, especially when you feel that everything you do only makes things worse (been there)... but trust me, anything you do right now can only make things better.
Posting here was a start. Othert people will read this, and respond. There are a lot of decent people here, and we all care in our own way. I don't know you, and I'll never reallyt "know" you, but I do care, because in this one thing, in this bitter miserable hell called depression, you and I share the same spirit. We don't like feeling like this! We didn't ask for things to be like this, we don't enjoy having our lives become utter chaos. In that one thing, we are the same person. Caring about you is caring about myself, and caring about everyone else here.
Be well Angel, and find that person you can talk to. There has to be someone. Share with someone who knows you better than we do. But post here as well, because believe it or not, a complete stranger can have empathy, and can care. And you might find that "stranger" isn't so much of a stranger after all.
-Scott
Posted by Angel Girl on May 26, 2004, at 13:58:22
In reply to Re: A Place In The Sun, posted by Scott in Vermont on May 26, 2004, at 13:20:17
Hi Scott
Thanks for replying my post. I do feel a connection with the people who come to PB. I feel that we all understand each other. We may have different experiences in life that brought us here and our current situation may be different but there is a common thread among us that binds us together. That's why we come here. To me, it's a safe haven where I can be accepted. I'm sure others feel that way too. I can't make it in the 'real' world. I've tried so many times but every time I try, I run into problems. I'm too different, my mind doesn't work like theirs does. I see alterior motives in what they do or say to me. I analyze to death what they say to me and I misinterpret their motives. They eventually get sick of what I'm like, my negativity and my being BP and all that comes with it. They can't deal with it and so they always abandon me. It hurts so much, I don't think it's worth even trying anymore. I'm always going to be BP, there is no cure. I can't change that. My meds don't help me, they're constantly changing them. I'm tired of dealing with all this crap. I've been on long term disability from work for almost 3 years. I only seem to be able to relate to people here and with people that I've met here that I e-mail regularily. I feel like there is a whole world out there that I don't belong in. I've become a recluse in the last several months. I only go out when I absolutley have to, to go to the bank, doctors and to buy groceries. That's it. I have absolutely no desire at any other time to leave my apartment. I call it my comfort zone. Nobody can hurt me here. It's safe and I'm used to it now. I don't even have the desire to change it. My family is very concerned about it and told me that this is no way to live but to me, it's the only way to live. I'm perfectly happy to stay here alone with my 2 cats.
You're right, I haven't hit bottom yet, and I hope that I don't. I remember that all too well and I don't want to go back there EVER, especially when I was suicidal. I lost a few 'friends' with my last attempt. They were so angry with me but they also never asked me how I was doing, they showed no compassion. They didn't care. There was no love for me, just anger directed at me. They said the most horrific and hurtful things to me at the time and then abandoned me. People always abandon me. They can't deal with me. That's why I won't even try to deal with them anymore. I know the outcome so why bother, I will save myself the heartache and pain that they could have caused me.
I will stay with people who are also suffering in some way. They'll understand me as I understand them. Our circumstances may be different but our pain is the same.
I do have friends that I can related to because they are also afflicted in one way or another and I have sent them an e-mail to let them know how I am feeling. They are internet friends. I have no 'real' friends, only ones I've met on the net and that's ok with me.
Thanks for reaching out to me. Your words mean a lot to me.
Take care of yourself.
Angel Girl
Posted by TexasChic on May 26, 2004, at 14:33:13
In reply to A Place In The Sun, posted by Angel Girl on May 26, 2004, at 9:04:46
I can really relate to what you're saying as well. I just got out of a bad place, and I'm now teetering on the edge – things could go up or down from here. I'm trying to see the bad things that have happened as opportunities, for example:
Bad thing: My closest friend stopped being friends with me.
Opportunity: I now have more time and inclination to meet new people.Bad thing: I was in a wreck that totaled my car.
Opportunity: Now I get a new one! (Actually used, but new to me).Bad thing: I've been living with my Mom who is emotionally abusive.
Opportunity: Just one more reason to push me out of my comfort zone so that I will get my own place.If I focused on the bad things, I would probably never get out of bed. But I'm trying, which is all I can do. I hope you'll keep trying too.
Anyway, I don't know if this is helpful or not, I just felt like I could relate. Try not to give up just yet!
Posted by Angela2 on May 27, 2004, at 7:53:55
In reply to A Place In The Sun, posted by Angel Girl on May 26, 2004, at 9:04:46
I love finding song lyrics that make me feel like I can relate. For me, Faint by Linkin Park is one of them.
I am sorry you are feeling the way you do. Post here anytime you want. The people here are really great.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 27, 2004, at 22:45:28
In reply to Re: A Place In The Sun, posted by TexasChic on May 26, 2004, at 14:33:13
> I can really relate to what you're saying as well. I just got out of a bad place, and I'm now teetering on the edge – things could go up or down from here. I'm trying to see the bad things that have happened as opportunities, for example:
>
> Bad thing: My closest friend stopped being friends with me.
> Opportunity: I now have more time and inclination to meet new people.
>
> Bad thing: I was in a wreck that totaled my car.
> Opportunity: Now I get a new one! (Actually used, but new to me).
>
> Bad thing: I've been living with my Mom who is emotionally abusive.
> Opportunity: Just one more reason to push me out of my comfort zone so that I will get my own place.
>
> If I focused on the bad things, I would probably never get out of bed. But I'm trying, which is all I can do. I hope you'll keep trying too.
>
> Anyway, I don't know if this is helpful or not, I just felt like I could relate. Try not to give up just yet!
>
>
>Texas Chic
I'm glad that you are at a place where you are able to turn the negatives into positives. I can't seem to do that. If somebody abandons me, which happens all the time, I start to protect myself by building walls around me. I don't want to risk being hurt again.
I think there'd be a lot of people here who can relate.
Thanks.
Angel Girl
Posted by Angel Girl on May 27, 2004, at 22:48:45
In reply to Re: A Place In The Sun, posted by Angela2 on May 27, 2004, at 7:53:55
> I love finding song lyrics that make me feel like I can relate. For me, Faint by Linkin Park is one of them.
>
> I am sorry you are feeling the way you do. Post here anytime you want. The people here are really great.Hi Angela2
When I was residing in what I call the 'black hole' with not seeing any hope of getting out and extremely suicidal I really related to several songs on Sarah McLachlan's CD "Survacing". It's funny that song lyrics will pop out at us at different points in our lives.
Angel Girl
This is the end of the thread.
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