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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on May 21, 2004, at 22:40:18
You guys, I am feeling guilty about not helping sar before she killed herself. We emailed a lot before she died, and she was very supportive when I was going through ECT. But then we just sort of stopped writing, and I didn't reach out to her...Even though she said in one of her emails that when she works at Home Depot, she looks at the ropes they sell and thinks about hanging herself. In fact, when I read here that she died, I thought she must have hung herself.
I wonder if things would have been different if I had given her the same support she gave me. Maybe I am selfish...I feel horrible. She was so kind to me, and hadn't even met me.
This issue has been eating at me. Why didn't I help sar? I know that I was depressed enough to be getting ECT, so it may be unreasonable to think I could help someone who was suicidal. But around the same time, I did donate my efforts to a charity. So if I could do that, I should have been able to help sar. But no, I was absorbed in my damned self.
Posted by cubic_me on May 22, 2004, at 12:34:49
In reply to I feel guilty about sar's suicide. I'm selfish, posted by PhoenixGirl on May 21, 2004, at 22:40:18
I didn't know sar that well, but it seemed that everyone helped her the best they could at the time. For some people all the help in the world isn't enough, and as hard as it seems, there is no more we can resonably do.
My closest friend killed herself 18 months ago, and guilt and 'what ifs' are with me all the time, even though I probably could have done more (be with her 24/7 etc), at the time, I did my best. I, like you was/am depressed; there is a limit to how much you can handle and how much of yourself you can give to other people without falling apart. You're not selfish. A selfish person wouldn't feel guilty.
Have you tried writing a letter adressed to sar? That really helped me when my friend died. Every time I really wanted to tell her how sorry I was to let her down, I'd write. At the begining I would do it every week or so, but now it's been several months without writing and I feel much less guilty. I feel that she, like sar, knows we tried our best.
xxx
Posted by octopusprime on May 22, 2004, at 13:40:50
In reply to I feel guilty about sar's suicide. I'm selfish, posted by PhoenixGirl on May 21, 2004, at 22:40:18
hi phoenixgirl,
i'm sorry that you feel so bad.
guilt is a "normal" reaction to the death of somebody that you were close to ... a horrible, gut-eating "normal" feeling.
it's not that you were selfish phoenixgirl - you did the best you could with the resources you had at the time. contact by email is great - when i get email, i feel respected and cared for. if it is a comfort to me, i'm sure it is a comfort to others (like sar).
we can't change the past. we can't undo what has been done. if you have a t, can you share your feelings with him/her? i think talking through your feelings will help you come to accept what is, in time.
((phoenixgirl))
Posted by PhoenixGirl on May 22, 2004, at 20:03:14
In reply to guilt and death » PhoenixGirl, posted by octopusprime on May 22, 2004, at 13:40:50
Thanks you guys. You guys are so nice and good. It's been really hard for me to trust therapists, since two that I've had were very bad. I think I should start writing or typing a diary, to help get poisons out of me.
((you guys))
> hi phoenixgirl,
>
> i'm sorry that you feel so bad.
>
> guilt is a "normal" reaction to the death of somebody that you were close to ... a horrible, gut-eating "normal" feeling.
>
> it's not that you were selfish phoenixgirl - you did the best you could with the resources you had at the time. contact by email is great - when i get email, i feel respected and cared for. if it is a comfort to me, i'm sure it is a comfort to others (like sar).
>
> we can't change the past. we can't undo what has been done. if you have a t, can you share your feelings with him/her? i think talking through your feelings will help you come to accept what is, in time.
>
> ((phoenixgirl))
Posted by Sebastian on May 23, 2004, at 9:38:18
In reply to I feel guilty about sar's suicide. I'm selfish, posted by PhoenixGirl on May 21, 2004, at 22:40:18
ECT can make your brain forgetfull. I don't remember a lot from when I had ECT. At the time of the ECT I even had a hard time comprehending anything. Once I woke from ECT and thought I was in a new world, didn't even know what a radio was that I was looking at on the wall.
Posted by Noa on May 24, 2004, at 19:05:54
In reply to I feel guilty about sar's suicide. I'm selfish, posted by PhoenixGirl on May 21, 2004, at 22:40:18
FWIW, it was my impression at the time that sar mentioned such things from time to time and would be suicidal one day followed by better spirits the next--there was a lot of change in her mood and it was hard to predict. She was on the edge there for a long while. Sometimes it seemed she acted on the urges when under the influence and afterward her mood would be a little more upbeat. But it was hard to get a read on where she was at any given moment, I felt.
I agree with the others that it is natural to feel guilty. I felt it too.
But it doesn't seem to me that you could have done anything to prevent sar's death.
This is the end of the thread.
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