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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bookgurl99 on March 26, 2004, at 8:45:49
I've been realizing lately that I really need to meet more healthy,'together' people. My girlfriend and I are among those people that our friends turn to to help them, but not many of them help us.
This is in part because we have attracted a lot of people who need help. For example, someone might seem cool and nice when they're a bipolar person who's taking their meds. And that's when we meet them. But then they stop taking their meds and expect us to approve of their nutty behavior.
So -- at the suggestion of a therapist, I've decided to limit the number of friends that can be a 'case.' I've picked out one friend who can be, and the rest will just not be called back.
I feel terrible about doing this, because some people did this to me when they thought I was becoming a hypochondriac. (I wasn't; I had a medical problem that was undiagnosed -- but I don't want to befriend those people now.)
Yet, I feel this is necessary because I can't spend my energy taking care of people who won't take care of themselves. Plus, these are often people who call only when they need help.
So how do you guys find other people who are taking care of themselves? How do you meet people that have it together?
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 26, 2004, at 10:31:20
In reply to how do you guys meet healthy people?, posted by bookgurl99 on March 26, 2004, at 8:45:49
Posted by noa on March 26, 2004, at 18:42:58
In reply to how do you guys meet healthy people?, posted by bookgurl99 on March 26, 2004, at 8:45:49
I understand this a lot. you need to be able to have balanced friendships and positive energy, not always problem-focused.
OK, Not that I'm such an expert on this one, believe me. I don't know so much either how to do this. But here are some ideas maybe.... activities and clubs---join a book group, an outdoors club, groups that do volunteer work? Make friends with co-workers?
Posted by octopusprime on March 26, 2004, at 19:19:54
In reply to Re: how do you guys meet healthy people? » bookgurl99, posted by noa on March 26, 2004, at 18:42:58
> activities and clubs---join a book group, an outdoors club, groups that do volunteer work? Make friends with co-workers?
noa, this is good advice for making acquaintances and sharing new experiences.
i frequently wonder about bookgurl's question myself. i meet people by going to new activities, etc., but i only ever seem to make that "connection" -- you know, in the cosmic understanding sense of the term -- with the slightly nutty.
i don't know what it is. i seem to inexplicably draw problems out of people. i can see hurt where it has been buried. and it's this understanding, even if it is unspoken, that bonds.
i'm trying to break the pattern and i don't know how. i'm settling for superficial social interaction with the superficially "normal", and failing that, withdrawal. but i'd love to make deeper and more lasting friendships of the sort i had when i was in school, but preferably with people with stable emotional makeups. it's hard.
Posted by bookgurl99 on March 27, 2004, at 7:53:41
In reply to Re: how do you guys meet healthy people? » noa, posted by octopusprime on March 26, 2004, at 19:19:54
> i don't know what it is. i seem to inexplicably draw problems out of people. i can see hurt where it has been buried. and it's this understanding, even if it is unspoken, that bonds.Wow -- the phrase about seeing the buried hurt is perfect. I have similar experiences. But maybe it's time for me to realize that I don't need to help those people.
Question -- did you have a sick parent or sick people around you in childhood? my mother was sick a lot, and my parents expected me to take care of her in ways that may not have been age-appropriate. For example, I was giving her medicinal shots that she couldn't bear to give herself when I was 9.
Around the same age, I was the one the family turned to to determine if my cousin's fall from a bike had resulted in a broken bone in her hand or if it would heal on its own. (BTW, I did say it was broken -- and correctly said where the break was, inches away from the pain.) I now realize how absurd it is to ask a 10 year old to do that.
I wonder if I learned to relate to people so much in that way as a result. Instead of as equals, as one person taking care of another somehow.
But the thing is, I -want- equal relationships.
Posted by noa on March 27, 2004, at 11:23:31
In reply to Re: how do you guys meet healthy people?, posted by bookgurl99 on March 27, 2004, at 7:53:41
I think it is also that sometimes, it is the slightly nutty people in groups who are more open to making new friends. Sometimes, I think more "established" or stable people aren't as open, perhaps because they aren't doing as much "seeking"?
Posted by octopusprime on March 27, 2004, at 11:43:44
In reply to Re: how do you guys meet healthy people?, posted by bookgurl99 on March 27, 2004, at 7:53:41
> Question -- did you have a sick parent or sick people around you in childhood? my mother was sick a lot, and my parents expected me to take care of her in ways that may not have been age-appropriate. For example, I was giving her medicinal shots that she couldn't bear to give herself when I was 9.no, i wasn't (even though my mother is a nurse). that sounds like a difficult way to grow up.
i was a shy, withdrawn child, and i was frequently ostracized by my peers. i spent a lot of time as a kid listening rather than talking. and a lot of the time, the only kids that would befriend me were a little strange.
so maybe it's different things leading us to the same place - low self-esteem versus obligation. it's hard to unlearn childhood patterns as an adult.
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 27, 2004, at 13:35:15
In reply to Re: how do you guys meet healthy people? » bookgurl99, posted by octopusprime on March 27, 2004, at 11:43:44
> so maybe it's different things leading us to the same place - low self-esteem versus obligation. it's hard to unlearn childhood patterns as an adult.
>
<<<Great response! Thanx for posting this point!This is why I suggest a "rite of passage" ritual; an "emancipation" ritual around age 15. There is no guarantees, and this is not just simple and perfect. And, we have 15 years of history to process.
To our advantage, we no longer are stuck with childhood resources to process things with. After the "genetic God" is done upgrading our life toolbox, we then can take the next 10 years to practice and perfect our skills with the tools.
25 yearolds have a much better view of their lives than 15 yearolds do. So assuming that it all must be resolved and perfect immediately, is the common mistake of all youth. I did it. Trust me... I woke up one day when I was 40, frightened at what I saw (and didn't see). So much for immediate!
Armed with the courage we gain by the "emancipation" send off, we can enjoy the "new". One new and exciting item is new people. When they are 15, too, they are just as flakey as we might feel.
Please don't evaluate the "self" based on what other people only let us see. Challenge them. They will respect us and we will have fun meeting new folks.
Rod
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2004, at 20:45:28
In reply to how do you guys meet healthy people?, posted by bookgurl99 on March 26, 2004, at 8:45:49
Or just people who don't admit they're unhealthy.
Posted by spoc on March 29, 2004, at 21:56:26
In reply to Re: how do you guys meet healthy people?, posted by noa on March 27, 2004, at 11:23:31
Posted by jane d on March 31, 2004, at 6:40:44
In reply to Re: how do you guys meet healthy people?, posted by bookgurl99 on March 27, 2004, at 7:53:41
> Wow -- the phrase about seeing the buried hurt is perfect. I have similar experiences. But maybe it's time for me to realize that I don't need to help those people.
....
> But the thing is, I -want- equal relationships.I think you've nailed it there. There is a limit to the number of people any one of us can take care of. I like your plan of allowing one such person. I never planned it that way but I think I've ended up doing something similar. And I try not to depend too much on everyone I know either.
Jane
PS. One quibble. "Real illness" vs hypochondria? Remember your posts are being read by people like me who have heard depression distinguished from "real" illnesses far too many times.
Posted by bookgurl99 on March 31, 2004, at 9:32:38
In reply to Re: unhealthy does not always equal needy » bookgurl99, posted by jane d on March 31, 2004, at 6:40:44
> PS. One quibble. "Real illness" vs hypochondria? Remember your posts are being read by people like me who have heard depression distinguished from "real" illnesses far too many times.
Jane --
Hmm. I guess I mean healthy in a different way than being completely physically or mentally well. Someone can have a physical or mental illness, and yet be healthy in the sense that they are taking care of themselves as much as reasonably possible.
You as a friend might make accomodations of some sort for them -- for example, visiting a friend with M.S. at her home if going out uses too much energy. You might pick something up for her on the way over if she hasn't been able to get out of the house. Yet, these accomodations wouldn't get to the point of 'taking care' of her.
I think we all need help sometimes. But there are some people for whom your relationship/friendship could be based largely on helping them, or who only call you when they need something.
My concern is that I'm meeting a _lot_ of people who are not approaching normal in this respect. Yet they seem so when I meet them. So I'm wondering why I'm a nut magnet and how I can start meeting more people who are together.
Honestly, I think it's a self-esteem issue in part. Mine is quite low, and part of me thinks I'm not "good enough" to hang out with the normal people. I've got to find a way to change that vibe and 'attract' more healthy, creative, positive, spiritual people.
This is the end of the thread.
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