Psycho-Babble Social Thread 325509

Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Redirected: Sad

Posted by Dr. Bob on March 17, 2004, at 23:54:21

In reply to Re: I tried to put this on the psyc board., posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:03:50

Sad

Posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:01:18

I've never posted on this part before, only on the meds one. So this is my first time talking about anything but meds. First of all, I am being treated for depression. I've had it as long as I can remember, and have fought to rise above it.
Recently I decided to severe the ties with an old friend who didn't seem to want me in her life anymore. I wrote her an email saying 'I'm going to have to give up on you now. You obviously have no need for me or our friendship anymore – but I guess people move on. I hope everything works out well for you.' I didn't expect much back from her, as she had been so distant. I thought it was what she wanted, and I needed the closure. Her response was like nothing I could have ever imagined. She started off making excuses (new boyfriend, so busy, so tired.) Then she started laying in to me. She said I was too dependent on our relationship to the extent of not making other friends (not true), and that she was tired of being responsible for everyone else's happiness and now it was her turn. The emails went on from there. She basically believes I'm being too needy and insecure, and said I was lashing out at her because of my own frustrations in my life. She would never admit that she had done anything wrong.
I obviously didn't get the closure I wanted, and now I'm feeling bad for ever starting this. I printed out the emails and brought them to my therapist. She said I did nothing wrong and her reaction validated my original feelings that she no longer wanted my friendship. She made me promise not to blame myself for this, but I can't help thinking ...what if I had never sent that email? So here I am feeling sad, angry, frustrated, and like I've been the butt of everyone's joke or something (I had another 'friend' write me and tell me I was very insecure and blowing everything out of proportion).
I know this is long, sorry about that. I just needed to vent. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

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Re: Sad

Posted by greywolf on March 17, 2004, at 15:29:52

In reply to Sad, posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:01:18

Cheer up, TexasChic. The strength of her reaction is probably just a rejection of what her conscience is telling her: she wasn't a very good friend to you. Instead of addressing the issue honestly, she turned the situation on its head to transfer fault to you. Why fault would enter into it is beyond me, but it obviously does for her.

I would chalk this up to a learning experience. Some people don't need distinct closure, preferring instead to let relationships fade away. I tend to do that myself, if for no other reason than I've found that not shutting the door has allowed some of my friendships to rekindle themselves years later. She probably felt challenged by your being up front about the situation, then responded inappropriately.

The plus side is that you now know where she stands, and you won't be making an investment in a relationship that seems destined to give meager returns. You can spend your time and energy on new friends or, gasp!, on yourself.

Smile. I suspect in a few months your friend's disproportionate reaction will either be a distant memory or you'll find something funny in it.

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Re: Sad

Posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:46:26

In reply to Re: Sad, posted by greywolf on March 17, 2004, at 15:29:52

Thanks greywolf. I needed that confirmation. I wish now that I had let the relationship fade away. But how was I to know it would turn out like this! I guess I never would have know how little she thinks of me, but maybe I would have been better off not knowing. I don't know. I'm trying to be more assertive in my life and not be such a doormat. But she is the forth person in 15 years that I've had to severe the ties with. My therapist said I did the right thing in each of these situations, but I can't help but think something is wrong with me. I know one problem I have is I am extremely sensitive. My T says while it is hard being this sensitive, its also the reason I care so deeply and want to help people. But like with this friend, sometimes its mistaken as being needy.

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Re: Sad

Posted by greywolf on March 17, 2004, at 17:44:26

In reply to Re: Sad, posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:46:26

TexasChic:

Do you have any insight on why you need to formally "sever" ties with people? For a sensitive person it would seem to be an act that would create a fairly high degree of stress. Right or wrong in your intent, I might consider whether the process costs you more than you gain.

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Re: Sad no longer.

Posted by shadows721 on March 17, 2004, at 21:23:58

In reply to Sad, posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:01:18

You honesty hit a truth button in your so called excuse of a friend. She knows deep down she is a sorry a** of a friend and that's her response - over reaction to the truth. She wants to be blameless in her world of fantasy of perfection. If she says anything more, say to her, "Sister, you need to wake up and look at the ugly truth of your own self deception. By, the way, I wasted my precious time on this relationship that was pointless. I deserve better. So, move out of my way and my life."

Personally, I think what you did was very healthy. You stood up for yourself. You are a sensitive and caring person. THAT'S WONDERFUL. Don't damn yourself for being that way. We need more people with heart. You probably didn't want to hurt her, so you hurt yourself by staying with this useless person in your life. Your actions sound very positive to me. It just feels foreign to stand up for yourself. You have a voice that has been silenced and needs to speak out. It's starting to do that.

Start seeking out those with your best interest. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. There is something wrong with being insensitive like that so called friend. You get over them by replacing them with people with healthier intentions. It's that simple.

 

Re: Redirected: Sad

Posted by TexasChic on March 18, 2004, at 8:19:54

In reply to Redirected: Sad, posted by Dr. Bob on March 17, 2004, at 23:54:21

Thanks shadows721. I appreciate your insight and kind words, not to mention having my back. My therapist told me she was proud that I was assertive. That's been something we've been working on. My 'friend' wrote back to me yesterday that all these emails back and forth are very high school. I decided just to leave it at that. I just couldn't seem to stop writing to her to try to get her to understand. But like someone so aptly put it, she is living in this fantasy of perfection and it just wasn't ever going to get thru.
It's funny that I can get such support from strangers when my so called friends seem to think I'm being insecure and selfish. I can't help but wonder if I should ever share my deepest thoughts with anyone again (other than here). I just wish I could find someone who likes me for who I am, faults and all.

 

Re: Redirected: Sad » TexasChic

Posted by fayeroe on March 18, 2004, at 8:31:11

In reply to Re: Redirected: Sad, posted by TexasChic on March 18, 2004, at 8:19:54

hEY, I bet there are lots of people who like you just for you.......because I've been there and experienced the same feelings only to find out that the world wasn't totally against me. And I love TExas, so you are A-ok with me!!!!!

I have been having an e-mail thing going on with a friend that I met here and I'm beginning to see her true colors. So, just hang in there and things will work out! You're really getting healthy by asserting yourself~~~~

 

Re: Redirected: Sad: fayeroe

Posted by TexasChic on March 18, 2004, at 10:19:23

In reply to Re: Redirected: Sad » TexasChic, posted by fayeroe on March 18, 2004, at 8:31:11

Thanks! Isn't it weird how people are so much braver in emails than face to face? But you also don't see the expressions or emotions behind the words, which can alter their meaning. I think that is why my situation turned nasty. She thought I was extremely angry when I wasn't. But in the end it was obvious how negative she was & that she had such a low opinion of me. I still don't know how it happened. I thought we had the best, most honest relationship ever. Boy was I wrong. I guess it was just meant for me to find that out – maybe destiny's way of saying, nope, not this one, move along.
Thanks again for the support.

 

Greywolf is a tough act to follow...lol » fayeroe

Posted by 64Bowtie on March 18, 2004, at 10:28:40

In reply to Re: Redirected: Sad » TexasChic, posted by fayeroe on March 18, 2004, at 8:31:11

TC, I'll tread softly.....

Greywolf said it best. In addition to his great words, I point out that when I had trouble accepting myself as a 'person', I remember incidents like what happened here to you. I felt shame and blame when things didn't go good.

Now that I see things through these aged-eyes, I can stand off to the side and see better what is really happening. Analysis? You deserve better friends than that. You are a person! In some strange way your (ex)friend has just told you that; you are a person, deserving friends that stand by you.

Let's hear three cheers for the "PERSON" called Texaschic......

Rod

 

Re: Greywolf is a tough act to follow...lol

Posted by TexasChic on March 18, 2004, at 10:38:02

In reply to Greywolf is a tough act to follow...lol » fayeroe, posted by 64Bowtie on March 18, 2004, at 10:28:40

Wow, you guys are so great! I'm so glad I decided to give this a try. I couldn't help but smile and chuckle a bit about the three cheers thing. That made my day!
I think I'm beginning to accept this as a positive thing. Now I'm kind of mad I wasted so much time on her!
I do need to work on being more confident and self reliant. I guess its time to dedicate more time on my own happiness. I've always put others first, but I'm working on it!
Thanks again!


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