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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 17, 2004, at 23:38:04
Well, I'm 26, live with folks, psychotic depression, divorced, and have a 5 year old daughter.
I've managed to keep good contact with her, even at great expense to myself, jobs, etc. I pick her up after school and spend time with her as I can, which fortunately has been more often than not. The time she spends overnight is not entirely regular, but I try to as often as I can, balancing it with work and illness.
As far as she goes, she is very well adjusted. She has a great suport network of people who love her and she knows it. She has a great peronality, good self-esteem, and is as far from "bratty" as it gets.
I've read a lot of parenting books. I took the Parenting with Love and Logic courses, which I highly recommend to anybody. We have a tight bond despite my problems and her mother's family which has taken years to build.
Lately, my condition has been deteriorating and she has begun to notice. I've told her mother that I have an "illness" that is difficult to treat. She's asked a lot of questions but I've told her nothing specific. I've told my daughter that I get sick and sometimes get really tired and have to stay in bed, and the doctor is helping me. I hope there I've made the right moves.
I've been doing some googling on the web, but I can't find anything to help my situation. The stuff I found has either been for the kids themselves, a veiled or deliberate guilt trip, or not for the parents.
I can't afford extra resources so I'm stuck with the web. Any good sites out there?
Posted by blink23 on January 18, 2004, at 2:46:26
In reply to Any good parenting resources for people like me?, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 17, 2004, at 23:38:04
I think what you have told your daughter that you have an illness, that was the right thing to do other then get into specifics. Its good that she asked a lot of questions that showed that she wanted to know and try to understand..
To be honest I dont have anything or anywhere to tell you to look or read, but have you checked in your town or close to you. More than most of the town or close to your town there are clinics that you are able to go to to seek information, talk to people, things like that. I am actually going to a clinic my self in my town once a week, for free..
Sorry I didnt have much more information to tell you, but let me know how things go... Hang in there and take care..
Blink23
Posted by Medusa on January 18, 2004, at 5:35:11
In reply to Any good parenting resources for people like me?, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 17, 2004, at 23:38:04
> I can't afford extra resources so I'm stuck with the web. Any good sites out there?
>Jeff, can you afford used books?
I'll see if I can think of some web sites ... right now I'm learning all I can about family systems stuff (discusses positive function of depression and other illnesses) so sites I find might be weighted toward that ...
Posted by antigua on January 18, 2004, at 11:10:39
In reply to Any good parenting resources for people like me?, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 17, 2004, at 23:38:04
Hello there. When I had a breakdown this past summer I tried to hide it from my kids, who live with me 24 hrs/day. Wrong. Kids are way too perceptive. I spent as much times as a I could in bed and lost a lot of weight. My daughter referred to my diet as the "nap diet". Cracked me up.
I was as honest as I could be w/them. I told my older child I was depressed but getting help, that it ran in our family, blah, blah, blah. The other two I told that my new medicine made me tired (an understatement, but totally true) and that I would be better soon. That said, I did my best to be active when they were around and tried to save retreating to my bed for the most serious occasions.
Kids know everything, and if they don't understand, they think it's their fault so I always try to make sure they know it doesn't have anything to do w/them.
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on January 18, 2004, at 21:51:08
In reply to Re: Any good parenting resources for people like me?, posted by antigua on January 18, 2004, at 11:10:39
I feel for you but Antigua is right, Kids know EVERYTHING eventually. I think talking about feelings and the brain is really important. That way your child will begin to develop a vocabulary for your illness.
I would highly recommend you read "Touchpoints", it will clue you into developmental stages you might encounter. This is important because you need to understand the emotional development process so you know how to react to her and/or what to share and how to do that. I also like "emotional intelligence". It clues you into personalities and ways to encourage resilience.
I really resisted talking to my son (who was 11) about how seriously ill his dad is (physically). My son developed anxiety and when I found out what he told his therapist he knew and was afraid of, I was shocked. You just have to keep reading where they are and be open with them. Don't let anyone give you that QUALITY time crap. Kids simply want TIME with you. period. Doesn't matter if you just sit with them, read to them, watch movies with them or play basketball. It is being with them that they care about. It also helps if there is something they can do for you (pictures to make you smile when she isn't there?). It gives them power.
It is hard. Parenting is the hardest job ever. But given the importance of it, shouldn't it be? I'm impressed that you want to learn. Be kind to yourself.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 19, 2004, at 20:47:12
In reply to Re: Any good parenting resources for people like me?, posted by DaisyM on January 18, 2004, at 21:51:08
well, thanks all. Yes, I can afford used books. Any good titles that are specific for parents with these illnesses?
I can't afford counseling, but I'm looking into the local vocational rehab program. I't state run and free. Perhaps I could find a resource through them. Still having trouble with the whole "disabled" label, though.
Posted by LynneDa on January 21, 2004, at 14:06:00
In reply to Any good parenting resources for people like me?, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 17, 2004, at 23:38:04
Hi Jeff - I'm the one who wrote you about my ex-husband and his depression & OCD. I'm depressed myself, only not so much!
Anyway, our daughter is 7 and she knows Daddy is not always mentally up and plugged in to the world. We've told her that Daddy just gets sad and overwhelmed sometimes and needs some help with it. She seems to accept that and I think it's good for her to know that when you have problems in life you accomodate to try and solve them.
She is in a "divorce class" at school and the counselor has been very helpful (& free!) in talking about these types of issues. There should be a counselor at your daughter's school and you should be able to speak with him/her, if you are comfortable with sharing at this time.
Her Dad & I agree that our biggest goal with her is that she not feel responsible for when Daddy is sad & that it's not her job to fix him (a trap I fell into, of course!). Additionally, we try to teach her that identifying and talking about feelings is ok, it's preferred actually. If we both didn't have mental health issues, this would not even come up, so that is a blessing in disguise I guess! Kids can be very accomodating as long as they know what the rules are and that it's not their fault.
Sorry this is so long, but felt I needed to share this with you. Good luck & hang in there buddy!
~ Lynne
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 23, 2004, at 2:33:05
In reply to Re: Any good parenting resources for people like me?, posted by LynneDa on January 21, 2004, at 14:06:00
Thanks for your words. I'm glad your situation seems to be pretty good.
still trying to find some resources. My situation is a little different. My ex and I can be reasonably civil, but if any member of her family knew my condition, I would fight them again over custody.
My daughter is reticent to share her feeling. I'll probe a little and then back of. I don't want her under any pressure if I can help it. I do try to instill in her the same ideas about feelings.
unfortunately, her mom is an interrogator. I can almost sense from my daughter that she is afraid of saying anything that could have bad consequences. I also think the parent of her cousins on that side train her cousins to say bad things about me. I have no way to prove it, and could be a delusion. I just don't know.
Grrr. anyway, rant over. Thank you.
Posted by LynneDa on January 23, 2004, at 8:46:24
In reply to Re: Any good parenting resources for people like me? » LynneDa, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 23, 2004, at 2:33:05
Jeff - One thing to keep in mind, I've seen it in several families of divorce, as the child gets older they come to resent the negative press one family gives about the other parent. Much like our distaste and distrust of the negative campaign ads! My daughter's already in that mode with the negative things her Dad says about my family and me. She's learning to differentiate between what is his irrational anger and what could be legitimate things he dislikes about me - but that are just personality traits that were part of the cause for our split. Heavy stuff for a 7 year old!!!
It's wonderful that you can keep a dialog open with your daughter, of course with the sensitivity to back off when you feel you may be pressuring her. Take care of yourself and keep doing the things you're doing. Things will look up for you, I just know it!~ Lynne
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 23, 2004, at 22:04:06
In reply to Re: Any good parenting resources for people like me?, posted by LynneDa on January 23, 2004, at 8:46:24
Thanks. It's my hope that dealing with her honestly it will stave off a lot of problems. I just wish she didn't have to go through all of this back and forth crap. I do resent what is said about me. No matter how hard it's been though, I've never said anything bad about her mom's family. Someday it will come back to them. I just wish it wasn't her in the middle of all this.
This is the end of the thread.
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