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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Asya on January 17, 2004, at 18:41:58
Hi guys,
I am mainly looking for some support in dealing with a mother that really really hates me. She has always doted on my younger sibling and jusr hates me. My situation is this: I am tempted to estrange myself from her for all the pain she has caused me but I know it wouldn't be a practical long term remedy, mostly because I DO get along with other members of my family and because then she would probably turn others against me. How have other people handled the pain and revenge feelings of having a parent that just hates you and has emotionally and possibly physically abused you? How do you go on and let go of all the anger?
Posted by Dinah on January 18, 2004, at 9:14:36
In reply to Dealing with anger, posted by Asya on January 17, 2004, at 18:41:58
Two words. "Emotional divorce"
One day I was looking at my mother and she was yelling and screaming at me. And suddenly, she wasn't my mother anymore. I'm not delusional. I knew she was the person who gave birth to me, but there was no emotional connection. She was just this ridiculous, red faced, ugly woman. She never became my mother again.
We have a better relationship than ever. It's easy to be cordial with someone who has no power to hurt you.
I can't tell you how to manage it though...
Posted by Karen_kay on January 18, 2004, at 15:00:49
In reply to Dealing with anger, posted by Asya on January 17, 2004, at 18:41:58
I know that for me personally I live hours away from my mother. And she is emotionally unavailable as well. I limit my phone calls to her. When she calls, I talk until I can handle it and then I make an excuse to hang up. I only see her ocassionally and for short amounts of time (a week at the most), so that helps.
As for letting go of the anger, personally I was never angry at her. I was angry at myself. I told myself it was my fault, and I was abused by her. Now, I realize that she is and was hurting and needs help that she refuses to get. She too was abused by her mother. So I've decided to not let the cycle continue when I have children. Actually, a lot of the reason I started therapy was because I noticed I was turning into my mother. OH NO! Forgiveness came from a decision I made to myself to start getting better and to realize that she didn't mean to take her own problems out on me. And I know that she still doesn't. It still hurts when I call to tell her I 'm in the hospital and she replies, "What do you want me to do about it?" but I also try to realize that she's in a worse place than I am. I also don't call her if I'm in a situation when I need support.
My suggestion would be limit your contact and do everything you can to help mend your feelings towards your mother. Once you feel better, you'll be better able to handle how you feel towards her and your situation. I know I do.
Hope that helped answer your question?
Posted by Jai Narayan on January 18, 2004, at 18:14:12
In reply to Dealing with anger, posted by Asya on January 17, 2004, at 18:41:58
> Hi guys,
> I am mainly looking for some support in dealing with a mother that really really hates me.
<Are you dependent on her? Do you live in the same residence as her?>She has always doted on my younger sibling and jusr hates me.
<I have experienced that as well.>My situation is this: I am tempted to estrange myself from her for all the pain she has caused me but I know it wouldn't be a practical long term remedy, mostly because I DO get along with other members of my family and because then she would probably turn others against me. How have other people handled the pain and revenge feelings of having a parent that just hates you and has emotionally and possibly physically abused you?
<not well, I have been in therapy all my life because of my mother. She was cruel and focused her anger and hatred at me.
>How do you go on and let go of all the anger?
<I had to do EMDR for the trauma she caused me.
I have a life to mend because of her meaness. I tried everything....I moved so far away that she couldn't be in my day to day life. I needed to be away from her.....
Why does your mother hate you? what do you think?
what's the matter with her? Is she ill? What have you done so far? Are you alright?
It's really hard to have the person who bought you into the world be so mean.
I have struggle with this all my life.
Posted by Angielala on January 19, 2004, at 8:52:51
In reply to Re: Dealing with anger » Asya, posted by Karen_kay on January 18, 2004, at 15:00:49
Karen- that post was dead on. It's a long road, but there is hope.
> I know that for me personally I live hours away from my mother. And she is emotionally unavailable as well. I limit my phone calls to her. When she calls, I talk until I can handle it and then I make an excuse to hang up. I only see her ocassionally and for short amounts of time (a week at the most), so that helps.
>
> As for letting go of the anger, personally I was never angry at her. I was angry at myself. I told myself it was my fault, and I was abused by her. Now, I realize that she is and was hurting and needs help that she refuses to get. She too was abused by her mother. So I've decided to not let the cycle continue when I have children. Actually, a lot of the reason I started therapy was because I noticed I was turning into my mother. OH NO! Forgiveness came from a decision I made to myself to start getting better and to realize that she didn't mean to take her own problems out on me. And I know that she still doesn't. It still hurts when I call to tell her I 'm in the hospital and she replies, "What do you want me to do about it?" but I also try to realize that she's in a worse place than I am. I also don't call her if I'm in a situation when I need support.
> My suggestion would be limit your contact and do everything you can to help mend your feelings towards your mother. Once you feel better, you'll be better able to handle how you feel towards her and your situation. I know I do.
> Hope that helped answer your question?
Posted by Karen_kay on January 20, 2004, at 19:35:36
In reply to Re: Dealing with anger, posted by Angielala on January 19, 2004, at 8:52:51
Karen- that post was dead on. It's a long road, but there is hope.
*Thank you. It's confusing because I'm the middle ground. I have one sister who just hates my mother and another sister who denies anything ever happened.
But, I honestly don't have any hard feelings towards her. And it really feels great to say it. I love my mother with all of my heart. I just understand that I can't be around her often or the things she says or does (or doesn't say) will really bother me.
I guess it is about knowing your limits and really healing the feelings you have. It is hard to do. It was hard for me to realize that things weren't my fault. And it's a different situation for everyone in how they choose to accept things. Some people place the blame on themselves.
It's hard to heal those feelings. But once you do and realize that it isn't the person inside who's hurting you it is their problems, it makes it a bit easier to understand. At least it did in my case.
Posted by Angielala on January 21, 2004, at 8:08:39
In reply to Re: Dealing with anger » Angielala, posted by Karen_kay on January 20, 2004, at 19:35:36
Once I learned that my mom was just a person, who was going through so much and taking her anger out on me- but not because of me... it took a long time to learn it wasn't me, she was just dealing with her own depression and such. It does feel good to be able to say I love you to my mom now. I never thought that I'd utter those words :)
> Karen- that post was dead on. It's a long road, but there is hope.
>
> *Thank you. It's confusing because I'm the middle ground. I have one sister who just hates my mother and another sister who denies anything ever happened.
> But, I honestly don't have any hard feelings towards her. And it really feels great to say it. I love my mother with all of my heart. I just understand that I can't be around her often or the things she says or does (or doesn't say) will really bother me.
> I guess it is about knowing your limits and really healing the feelings you have. It is hard to do. It was hard for me to realize that things weren't my fault. And it's a different situation for everyone in how they choose to accept things. Some people place the blame on themselves.
> It's hard to heal those feelings. But once you do and realize that it isn't the person inside who's hurting you it is their problems, it makes it a bit easier to understand. At least it did in my case.
This is the end of the thread.
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