Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emme on January 16, 2004, at 11:04:51
Feelin' a bit discouraged today, so it's time for my bi-weekly rant.
Okay, I accept that I need meds. Okey doke. But I just feel so discouraged and incompetent, unsure of my place in the world, my ability to regain a life that means anything, and ready to just plain give up. (no, not that...not today.....)
The thing is, I no longer know how to separate out how much of my discouraged attitude is a symptom of depression that should be helped by medicine, and how much is beyond the ability of meds and is just "life" - things that I've done wrong, questionable decisions I've made, and years I may have wasted. Anyone ever wonder this?
Rant over. This was a short one. Thanks.
Emme
Posted by Penny on January 16, 2004, at 11:31:03
In reply to How much meds, how much life?, posted by Emme on January 16, 2004, at 11:04:51
I completely understand how you feel, and I guess the way I look at it is - medication is not going to change your circumstances. So if you have a job you hate, or marital problems, or whatever, then medication is not going to make those problems disappear (unfortunately!). But what it can do, when it's working properly, is make those things more managable.
I don't really believe anymore that meds can make you 'happy.' But right now mine are working, and my job that I hate is more tolerable. And I feel more in control of my circumstances. And my financial situation, while still overwhelming, is a little less so. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm no longer caught in the depressive mindset of "this is always going to be this way, I'm never going to be able to do x, why even try?"
Do you know what I mean?
In fact, when evaluating how well my meds are working, my pdoc and I talk about my life circumstances (one of the most upsetting things to me right now is my job) and we try to separate out if a low mood is resulting from bad circumstances or 'just because'. Before, I felt down all the time, mostly. Despair and hopelessness always overshadowed whatever else I was doing, even if it was something I enjoyed. Now, I still dread going to work in the morning, but I am no longer sitting at work feeling absolutely miserable all day, and when I go home in the evening I'm able to put all of that behind me and relax and enjoy spending time with friends or my dogs or whatever. And I'm also able to think more clearly and not ruminate over bad things that used to keep me awake at night.
Things are far from perfect. But at least now I feel like they can continue to get better. As I said, light at the end of the tunnel.
Is this what you were looking for?
P
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 17:35:53
In reply to How much meds, how much life?, posted by Emme on January 16, 2004, at 11:04:51
Well, I know that before I was stabilized by meds I thought that my life sucked big time. (I'm dx Bipolar I BTW) And after I finally found a medication that worked for me, I realize that my life isn't nearly as bad as I thought. I still have my ups and downs, granted. And I know that I will continue to have those. But, I've been covering some realllllllly hard issues in therapy and with my mood being stabilized, I've been able to get through those feelings. I know that things aren't as hopeless as I once thought.
So, meds aren't going to instantly solve all of your problems or anything like that. And I think at one point I was hoping they would. But with meds I'm able to cope more easily with the everyday stressors that once would have sent me looking for the whole bottle of pills to just end it all. Know what I'm saying?
Posted by 8 Miles on January 16, 2004, at 19:16:40
In reply to How much meds, how much life?, posted by Emme on January 16, 2004, at 11:04:51
Well, Emme, it's all really a matter of perspective. Yes, you need medications because your brain does not adequately process the chemicals needed for you to function "normally". There is no reason for shame in that. It's not like a cocaine addict who has had stroke-related hypoxia that caused them to suffer brain damage. You did nothing (nor did you DO anything) that caused your disorder, it's pure biochemical reactions that you cannot "fix" by your own will-power. The meds are necessary, just as much as a person with hypothyroidism must take synthetic hormones to replace what the body cannot make. I have to take about 6 different meds each day, some to counteract the negative effects of another. No worries to me, because the alternative is a nightmare. My only suggestion to you would be to get active in some sort of support group or individual counseling where you can SHARE these thoughts. You will soon find that you are not alone, and you might glean some helpful tidbits that the others use to cope. Having SOMEONE to listen to you objectively is like finding pure gold. Having someone actually UNDERSTAND and comprehend how you feel, and provide you with helpful feedback is worth more than gold. It means getting YOU back into your life. Sure, we have limits, we have setbacks, we feel alone or isolated. But there remains hope as long as you can get out of bed every morning, put your feet on the floor, and take that first step. Keep going, don't let the world set it's limitations and labels upon you. Know yourself, find a way to be happy with who you are, then set your eyes forward. Go.
No man is a failure if he has friends.
8
Posted by Emme on January 17, 2004, at 16:58:35
In reply to Re: How much meds, how much life? » Emme, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 17:35:53
> Well, I know that before I was stabilized by meds I thought that my life sucked big time. (I'm dx Bipolar I BTW) And after I finally found a medication that worked for me, I realize that my life isn't nearly as bad as I thought. I still have my ups and downs, granted. And I know that I will continue to have those. But, I've been covering some realllllllly hard issues in therapy and with my mood being stabilized, I've been able to get through those feelings. I know that things aren't as hopeless as I once thought.
>
> So, meds aren't going to instantly solve all of your problems or anything like that. And I think at one point I was hoping they would. But with meds I'm able to cope more easily with the everyday stressors that once would have sent me looking for the whole bottle of pills to just end it all. Know what I'm saying?Thanks! After reading your post, I think maybe I need to hold out hope for a little better med response. I've been feeling like maybe meds have taken me as far as they are able, and life seems so horrible that the whole bottle does seem...appealing. Realistically, I'm not in a good situation. But I'm starting to think maybe my mental state is getting very out of proportion. And if my outlook stays so extreme, nothing productive will happen. I'll see my pdoc this week.
Posted by Emme on January 17, 2004, at 17:09:06
In reply to Re: How much meds, how much life? » Emme, posted by Penny on January 16, 2004, at 11:31:03
> I completely understand how you feel, and I guess the way I look at it is - medication is not going to change your circumstances. So if you have a job you hate, or marital problems, or whatever, then medication is not going to make those problems disappear (unfortunately!). But what it can do, when it's working properly, is make those things more managable.
>
> I don't really believe anymore that meds can make you 'happy.' But right now mine are working, and my job that I hate is more tolerable. And I feel more in control of my circumstances. And my financial situation, while still overwhelming, is a little less so. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm no longer caught in the depressive mindset of "this is always going to be this way, I'm never going to be able to do x, why even try?"
>
> Do you know what I mean?
>
> In fact, when evaluating how well my meds are working, my pdoc and I talk about my life circumstances (one of the most upsetting things to me right now is my job) and we try to separate out if a low mood is resulting from bad circumstances or 'just because'. Before, I felt down all the time, mostly. Despair and hopelessness always overshadowed whatever else I was doing, even if it was something I enjoyed. Now, I still dread going to work in the morning, but I am no longer sitting at work feeling absolutely miserable all day, and when I go home in the evening I'm able to put all of that behind me and relax and enjoy spending time with friends or my dogs or whatever. And I'm also able to think more clearly and not ruminate over bad things that used to keep me awake at night.
>
> Things are far from perfect. But at least now I feel like they can continue to get better. As I said, light at the end of the tunnel.
>
> Is this what you were looking for?
>
> PYeah. I think it's similar to what Karen-Kay said. And it seems that if my thinking is so unclear and terrified that I'm unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel or work on solving any of my logistical problems, then my meds haven't gotten me back to where I need to be yet. I can try to go through the motions of doing the things I need to (job apps, etc.), but I think I should at least try to remind myself not to make any major life decisions right now.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 17, 2004, at 22:01:02
In reply to Re: How much meds, how much life? » Karen_kay, posted by Emme on January 17, 2004, at 16:58:35
Right, I think it is a great idea to see your Pdoc this week. Personally, I actually attempted suicide last summer before being put on a mood stabilizer that has SAVED my life. So please do hold out hope that meds can help. Sometimes it gets frustrating to think that meds can help. Especially when it takes so long to find one (or 2, 3 or 5) that work for you. I know that I suffered through depression/mania for over 5 years before I finally found the right drug that helped me. And I constantly hope that it doesn't poop out on me.
But, if you really have been feeling depressed for a while, then it'd be my educated guess that meds aren't working to their full advantage. So give them another try. And another. And another. Because I PROMISE YOU that when you do find your Prince Charming of medication, life is bliss. And I truly believe that "he" is out there searching for you, just as hard as you are searching for him.
I'm thinking about you Emme and hoping that your "prince" comes soon
Karen :)
Posted by Emme on January 18, 2004, at 9:09:58
In reply to Re: How much meds, how much life? » Emme, posted by Karen_kay on January 17, 2004, at 22:01:02
> Right, I think it is a great idea to see your Pdoc this week. Personally, I actually attempted suicide last summer before being put on a mood stabilizer that has SAVED my life.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I'm glad the MS has got you in a better place. Can I ask which one? Lamictal has gotten me part of the way, at least as far as making me more level, but some depression remains, and it can get *nasty*. And then I get to thinking there's nothing more medicine can do for me. I've got to be able to do the work to get my life and career back on track and all I want to do is hide under a blanket. Thanks for your encouragement! I guess my pdoc and I will have another go at it this week.
I'm trying to step back and look at things objectively and I'm getting more sure now that the 5HTP I've been trying over the last several days is actually making me worse and making my thinking increasingly morose. My pdoc knows I'm trying this stuff. I think I'll deep six it today.
> So please do hold out hope that meds can help. Sometimes it gets frustrating to think that meds can help. Especially when it takes so long to find one (or 2, 3 or 5) that work for you. I know that I suffered through depression/mania for over 5 years
That's about where I'm at time-wise. Get's tiring, doesn't it?
> But, if you really have been feeling depressed for a while, then it'd be my educated guess that meds aren't working to their full advantage.
So give them another try. And another.
> I'm thinking about you Emme and hoping that your "prince" comes soonThanks!
Emme
Posted by Karen_kay on January 18, 2004, at 15:41:30
In reply to Re: How much meds, how much life? » Karen_kay, posted by Emme on January 18, 2004, at 9:09:58
Well, the one that has worked for me is Topamax. But, I must say my Pdoc shakes his head every time I walk in his office with a grin on my face and a shake in my rump.
I tried Lithium (two seperate times), Lamictal, plus Lamictal and Lithium, Deapakote for about a week, plus years of ADs alone (whew! those were the years!)... I also tried Lamictal, Lithium and Lexapro. For some reason the "L's" just weren't cutting it for me.
It does get tiring after trying so many meds and suffering through so many years. Have you tried adding an AD? It proves effective for many people.
But, hold out hope that things get better. They really do. I'm a living success story. I researched Topamax here. The first reason I wanted on it is because put on some weight from Lithium (selfish, I know). But, I went into my Pdoc's office, sat down and talked to him. He said, "Well, we'll try it." I started on it and it worked. Many people don't have such good results and there are side effects. But the point is that I truly believe there is a Cinderella drug out there for you. (what's with the fairy tales?) Your depression doesn't sound like every day blues. Talk to your Pdoc. You shouldn't suffer needlessly. Try to find one that works. And there is one that works. It's a matter of finding it. Sometimes it finds you.
But, I'm certain there is more that medicine can do for you. It's just a matter of finding the right one or combo. Talk to your Pdoc and see what options you have at this point. You may be surprised.
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