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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 12, 2004, at 1:28:35
I need to vent.
i'm getting tired of all of this crap. I wish I could lay down and make the world and everything in it stop. Just suspend everything. Like pressing a big godlike pause button.
As I sit and write this I wonder what the h*ll I ever did to deserve living in this constant physical and emotional malaise. Was it something in a former life? Or, if there's no reincarnation then God has a very sick sense of humor and that is that. Or maybe whatever power that's out there is comparable to nothing but an absentee landlord.
I don't even know if I'm depressed anymore. I have everything to cry about and I can't shed a tear. All I feel is this sick cold anger. Jealousy of other people. Regret I brought my daughter into this world. I love her to death and she deserves so much more than what I have to offer her.
For somebody who was once reasonably resourceful and self-suffucient, this new seeming total dependance on the State and my parents is terrible. Instead of being able to pull my own weight I now feel forced to take on the role of finding someone to take care of me. Not that anyone would have me, I can be pretty hard to get along with. I think of the future and all I can see is this bleak hopeless waste of time.
After all I have tried to do, I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be and was most afraid of becoming.
Posted by Poet on January 12, 2004, at 11:02:15
In reply to I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 12, 2004, at 1:28:35
Hi Jeff,
> I don't even know if I'm depressed anymore. I have everything to cry about and I can't shed a tear.
I rarely cry even with I'm at my lowest. I wish I could because it would release some of the pain that just stays in and beats me up emotionally.
Writing helps me, even when it's just a long list of why I am unloveable. I rip it up and throw it away. I hope you can find something that helps let the pain out.
You love your daughter, and that's the most important thing you can give her. Material things get forgotten, love stays with you. Don't forget your daughter loves and needs you,too.
Poet
Posted by Karen_kay on January 12, 2004, at 12:46:16
In reply to I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 12, 2004, at 1:28:35
Hey there Jeff! I understand your frustration. Sometimes it seems that life isn't fair. It seems that at times "we" (as in the person asking the questions) get all the tough breaks and it doesn't make sense. I wish I had answers for you. But, I too have asked the same questions without finding the answers.
But, you do have a family that is willing and able to assist you, and that is great. And the reason help is there is for people who need it. Don't hesitate to get the help that you need until you are back on your feet again. State programs are available to assist people who are having rough times. And since you were self-sufficent, there's no reason why in the future you won't be able to be again. You're going through some things right now. And that's really rough to deal with. Take advantage of the help that's provided.
Are you currently in therapy? Have you tried it in the past? I'm currently working with CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) oriented therapist and you focus on patterns of negative thoughts about the world, yourself, your future, ect.
The ultimate goal is to challenge these thoughts. It has had amazing results for me, and my therapist has told me I am one of the most resistant clients he has seen. And it isn't something I've had to actively work on either. Maybe that is something for you to consider as well?
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 13, 2004, at 2:15:31
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired-another venting from yours t » socialdeviantjeff, posted by Poet on January 12, 2004, at 11:02:15
Thanks. It's difficult to not cry. It can be pretty hard not to be able to release pain. Like a slowly festering sore that never goes away.
I actually have done some writing. Prose has been cathardic for me unless I'm feeling really down, like now. I don't throw mine away. SOmetimes it helps to look back.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 13, 2004, at 2:42:33
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly » socialdeviantjeff, posted by Karen_kay on January 12, 2004, at 12:46:16
Karen, thanks. FYI, I've been trying to be nicer to people.
It's frustrating not having any answers. I feel like I'm owed one. Anyway, I am glad for my family. They have been nothing but great. sadly, the whole help thing is one big joke where I live. I'm working on it, but it'll take several months. I want to try therapy but it comes back to the state help thing. Grrr...
Posted by LynneDa on January 13, 2004, at 16:15:38
In reply to I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 12, 2004, at 1:28:35
Hi Jeff -
Hope you're feeling better today. I know it's hard, where you are, dependent on family and just sick of it all. Loving your daughter is the very best thing you can do. I have a hard time crying anymore too, and I was a huge cry-er! Maybe it's the Lexapro I'm on. Maybe I'm just too tired!I'd like to tell you about my ex, if you don't mind. He is very depressed, functioning, but not well, and has been that way for years. But, he loves our daughter so much. She knows Daddy's not 100% well, but the time they get to spend together when he's feeling up to it is very precious to her (she's 7). Hang in there for her sake. What my daughter gets from her Dad is far better than not having him there at all!!!
Here's something my ex decided he needed to do and it was hard: change his expectations of himself and his life . . . temporarily, he says, til he gets well. He waits tables now. He used to be an $80K per year account exec. Big ego crush. He can't really afford counseling or meds - he's off and on.
He makes lists of things he can do that are within his scope - get the lawn cut, help his neighbor lady with her yard work, remember to call his mom occasionally, plan a picnic for our daughter next time he sees her. We talk about these small accomplishments he has made and that seems to make him feel better. It has been humbling!
Maybe think of your altered mental state as a terrible accident you had that changed your abilities and caused you to re-evaluate yourself. Sounds weird, but it helps me to do this while I try to re-group.
Don't give up!! There are ways you can still contribute and you can still get well . . . keep reaching out for help! I hope this rambling isn't too long and will strike a chord with you somewhere!
~ Lynne
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 14, 2004, at 2:09:04
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly, posted by LynneDa on January 13, 2004, at 16:15:38
Thanks. I do feel a little better today. Talk to the pdoc this afternoon. Thanks for sharing your story. If only all exes could see things the way you do. You have a big heart.
Maybe someday I vould see this whole thing as an accident, reconstruct, and move on. I'm not there yet, but maybe someday.
Posted by LynneDa on January 14, 2004, at 9:02:41
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly » LynneDa, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 14, 2004, at 2:09:04
Well, maybe my story is just food for thought! Please just hang in there and don't give up. I hope you can find at least one positive moment each day where you find some peace :-) Keep looking, ok?
~ Lynne
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 14:24:22
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly » Karen_kay, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 13, 2004, at 2:42:33
There are places that work on a sliding scale fee. I think they are based on income. So, if you don't have anincome, they should be fairly cheap. Maybe you could call and check into that.
I'm glad you're working on being nicer to people. If it helps, you can be mean to me. Just be civil. Don't want you to be booted :)
It's nice to have family that supports you. My family, though crazy as I am, has always been supportive. I've never asked for financial help, even when I've only eaten rice for months at a time. But, they've always supported me emotionally. And I'm so greatful.
I always send thatnk you cards to show my appreciation. It helps cheer me up when Im feeling blue. Once every two weeks, I send 10 thank you cards to people I appreciate. My hair dresser, my sisters, mom, ect. I know they appreciate it and it helps validate the fact that I'm a nice person. And it works. Maybe when you're feeling down,you could do somehting similar??? Just a suggestion...
Posted by leo33 on January 19, 2004, at 15:12:17
In reply to I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 12, 2004, at 1:28:35
Hey Jeff,
Just so you know I have many of the same feelings that you have expressed. In fact, I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm tired of this crap too.
Leo33
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 19, 2004, at 21:06:56
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly » socialdeviantjeff, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 14:24:22
Hey, Karen! Sounds like you have some pretty good ideas. If I got one of those cards, it would surely make my week.
The being nice to people thing is working out ok so far. I even think there's a girl that comes into my work that likes me. Wonders never ceace.
Sorry, I'm not sure on how to be mean without being uncivil. Sooo.. I guess I'll just have to be nice to you.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 20, 2004, at 7:14:12
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired-another venting from yours truly » Karen_kay, posted by socialdeviantjeff on January 19, 2004, at 21:06:56
Well, if you want to be mean without being uncivil, maybe you coud join the fun of the pageant?
Read this post and before or after to get updated. Feel free to jump right in, just leave Bubba alone!
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040109/msgs/302544.html
This is the end of the thread.
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