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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
is that I was dead.
Though then I wonder if that's really what I want. Maybe not.
Maybe what I want is:
- to not hurt
- to not live in fear of everything
- to be able to enjoy life and living
- to be *happy*, whatever that is
- to have a job I enjoy going to at least most of the time
- to feel a sense of fulfillment
- to be able to sleep soundly and wake rested
- to not be in such a financial mess; to not have to live paycheck to paycheck and worry about being able to make ends meet.I can deal with my family stuff. I can deal with my weight problems. I have no problem being in therapy. I can even accept taking medication, as long as it's working. But I am so tired, soooo tired, of not knowing if I want to wake up in the morning, of waking up in the middle of the night and then not being able to get back to sleep because I can't turn off my brain, of feeling like the only thing that's keeping me here these days is my dogs, of disliking my job and feeling so out of place and living in fear of being fired or being reprimanded for not doing my job.
And I'm tired of hearing, "Get over it." Or "You may as well learn to like your job."
I'm frustrated with myself. I feel like the world truly wouldn't be a worse place without me. I feel insignificant, and, yet, I feel as though the world is going to come crashing down around my feet if I can't get a grasp on my responsibilities. I know it won't; I'm not so arrogant as to think that I have *that* much influence over things. Perhaps I should say I feel as though MY world will come crashing down around my feet.
I'm ready for the holidays to be over. Money is stressing me out, my credit is ruined, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, and my job is just allowing me to scrape by. If I had to go to a job everyday that I didn't like but I was making enough money to allow me to be under less financial strain, maybe then it would be more worth it. But that's not the case. And it's not as though I can just quit. I am truly living paycheck to paycheck, with no emergency plan.
Yes, I'm feeling hopeless. And sorry for myself. I apologize for whining.
Spiraling into the Pit...
P
Posted by Dinah on December 8, 2003, at 10:33:47
In reply to What I sometimes wish..., posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
(((((Penny)))))
I wish there was something I could say...
I want all those things for you too.
Posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 11:21:50
In reply to What I sometimes wish..., posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
Hi, Penny.
Wow, I've felt *exactly* the same way.
> I'm not so arrogant as to think that I have *that* much influence over things.<<I can't believe I'm about to quote a TV show.... :-) I don't feel I'm important either. Not really. The only *thing* depending on me is my dog and if I weren't here, my family would make sure she got a good home. But I was watching ER last week when that mean, nasty, one-armed doctor got killed by the helicopter crash (sounds like a soap!), and nobody wanted to go to his memorial service because they all hated him so much. And two doctors were talking afterward, and the one said, "we *will* miss him, even if we don't realize it."
Everyone and I do mean *everyone* is important in this world, keeps it in a certain balance. What if you smiled at someone while getting coffee one morning, or something, and it made that person feel so much better on a day the world was crashing down on them? You probably won't ever see that person again in your life, but you made a difference, you had an impact. We make those types of impacts on people a million times a day.
You *are* important in this world. I miss a guy they called *Scotty* in Laurel in the 70s. He was a blind old man who walked Montgomery Street every day for exercise. I was a kid, never spoke to him, never even got close enough to say hello. Yet his presence made me feel so comforted. He was like clockwork, walking the same time each day, showing that even without sight, which is an unimaginable loss to a kid, this man was *happy.* He smiled at people he passed, said good morning to everyone. He seemed to love life. And there was another old man who walked by my house every so often to go play bagpipes down by the river. They were parallels that meant a lot to me. Made me feel safe. Even though I couldn't put words to those feelings when I was a kid, I *do* know his positive and regular presence in my life was very comforting to me for many years. His regular, smiling, simple walks, and the bagpiper's walk past my house, were a couple of the many things that made up my *world* as a child, and they were positive ones. Tiny little actions, that weren't even directed at me, and yet I hold those memories very fondly.
Those two men *never* knew I existed, yet they made a difference in my life. We *all* do that. *You* do that. You might never know how you've touched people's lives, but I promise you, you have. I know I'd miss you if you stopped posting... :-)
> Spiraling into the Pit...
<<If I could, I'd reach out a hand to stop you from spiraling down. I'm thinking of you, you'll find those things......Susan
Posted by jane d on December 8, 2003, at 11:48:07
In reply to What I sometimes wish..., posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
Amen. And thank you. When my therapist asks what I want in life I have never been able to answer. But you've summed it up very well.
Jane
Posted by Poet on December 8, 2003, at 12:44:17
In reply to What I sometimes wish..., posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
Penny,
I wish I could surround you with a net of happiness that will keep you from spiriling down into the pit.
The people who tell you to learn to love your job, have never had a job they completely hated. I base all my self esteem on career success and I'm a career failure. I think I go to job interviews as a form of self-injury.
I understand the hurt you feel from your job. My therapist has suggested that I do volunteer work so I feel needed. So far I'm ignoring that, but maybe it would help you. You could work at an animal shelter as a dog walker. I know where I live they are always in need of volunteers.
I know, it's hard to motivate yourself for anything, when you hurt so much.
Don't spiral all the way into the pit, grab that net and hang on. Your dogs need you and we need your good advice and understanding.
Poet
Posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 13:03:53
In reply to What I sometimes wish..., posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
Thanks for the support, all. It is exactly what I need right now.
I have a picture of my two lil' dogs on my computer desktop, and at least that makes me smile.
I've elaborated more on what I see as my main problems in a thread below, but please don't feel obligated to read it.
I'm sitting here listening to Christmas music as I try to work, to try to make this less painful. Why do I hate my job???? ARGH!!!!
Of course, I suppose listening to Christmas music is it's own special kind of torture. I'm trying so hard to have *some* holiday spirit. But it's just not happenin'.
Sigh.
P
Posted by fallsfall on December 8, 2003, at 13:22:37
In reply to What I sometimes wish..., posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
*My* world would be a worse place if you weren't in it.(((((Penny)))))
Posted by kara lynne on December 8, 2003, at 22:52:05
In reply to What I sometimes wish..., posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 10:26:48
on this board and in your life.
I can only say I relate too well to what you've written, I have no words of wisdom. I know there are better things waiting for us down the line.
Meanwhile, dogs are very important people to stick around for.
I hope you're feeling a little better.
Woof.
Posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 8:49:26
In reply to Re: What I sometimes wish... » Penny, posted by fallsfall on December 8, 2003, at 13:22:37
Thanks, falls. That was sweet!
(((Fallsfall)))
P
Posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 8:51:09
In reply to You are a bright and shiny Penny, posted by kara lynne on December 8, 2003, at 22:52:05
Woof to you too.
(Wagging tail...)
It's amazing what my dogs do for me. I wish I could bring them to work. I am taking them with me to my pdoc visit Friday night - he asked me to bring them!
Thanks.
P
Posted by kara lynne on December 10, 2003, at 14:08:58
In reply to Re: You are a bright and shiny Penny » kara lynne, posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 8:51:09
How cool is that?! I want your pdoc! I used to always tell people to bring their dogs up in the waiting room when I worked at an office. The woman down the hall (a dentist) brought her golden retrievers to work with her sometimes--it really surprised me, because you would never have guessed that about her. Her dogs passed the tests to go to hospitals and cheer people up so she did that with them too. Kind of makes you all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it?
The healing power of our furry friends never ceases to amaze me.
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