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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on December 7, 2003, at 3:04:38
He said he wanted my address so he could send me a 'little gift, nothing much.' Then he let it drop that he was going to Mexico for a week so he wouldn't be here, even though I 'probably wouldn't talk to him if he was', as if I were the one responsible for all the rejecting. It makes me crazy when he flips the circumstances around to make it seem like he's just this poor man waiting for me to call if only I would. The reality is that a month ago he left a message saying he was going to look for a counselor so we might pursue therapy together; not only did he not follow up on that, he left message after inane message about a stray cat he adopted. Nothing else about us was ever mentioned again. But because I didn't respond, he can altar reality to make it look like this. He's comfortable in this ridiculously devoid relationship where he doesn't have to do anything except maybe drop off a little somthing at Xmas. And because I'm not receiving it with gratitude, I guess I am the one with the problem.
He didn't tell me who he was going with or why, so naturally it creates intrigue and jealousy . Of course I want to know who he's going with, this is the kind of thing I could obsess about forever. But he dropped this little bomb of a message, in absolutely the sweetest possible voice, calling me 'baby' as if we'd just woken up together in the same bed this morning. I have not seen him in almost six months, and I've barely spoken to him in the last two.
I called him. He answered. I told him this is unfair. if he's not going to work it out with me then don't call me and I don't want any presents. Then I hung up. I didn't say a thing about Mexico or anything else.
Then my friend and I went to a restaurant. The cute bartender flirted with me and didn't charge me for my ginger ale. She said he really seemed interested, but we both felt he was a player. She said I flirted just fine (that was her assignment for me for the evening)--I wasn't sure I could anymore. It may be small, but it's all I have.
I almost can't feel any worse about the ex at this point. I've been repeatedly jerked around and now I'm just worn out. He has taken insulting me, and gaslighting me to new frontiers--maybe I've finally hit bottom. I shook, but I didn't cry. I forced myself to go out anyway, and sit with my nice alcoholic friend while she drank her after wine martini. She's really very supportive of me.
I did keep asking her if she thought I had some underlying terrible disease that was making me so tired, though.
Posted by JimD on December 7, 2003, at 7:56:35
In reply to Ex left message., posted by kara lynne on December 7, 2003, at 3:04:38
Ooooh...that is a good one. I must say, exs have a way (at least mine and yours, it seems) of popping into your life when you least expect/want it.
You absolutely did the right thing by calling him back and putting him in his place. The analogy I used for my ex was that he treated me like a yo-yo: When he wanted/missed me, he'd pull me in tight to him, and when he didn't, it he'd cast me away. For example, earlier this week, I saw him at a restaurant and he left me a cutesy little voicemail afterwards. I did the same thing you did - called him up and left him a voicemail saying that he can't continue to flirt with me while he's dating someone else. Of course, because he's a control freak, he had to call back and make an issue out of it. I finally made a decision that was a year coming, and told him that friendship is not possible. Since we broke up a year ago, we have attempted, on multiple occasions, to be 'friends.' This usually amounts to us spending time apart to put 'space' between us, him dating someone else, it not working out, him coming back looking for me to be his friend, us getting close and sleeping together again. Again, I was sick of being treated like a yo-yo.
I think the whole ex relationship around Christmas is difficult. I almost feel like I should buy him something, knowing that he probably will for me, but we did a gift exchange last year (month after we broke up), and it was silly. I got him a nice gift because he called and said the same thing about how he had gotten me something, and he got me some thoughtless "I saw this at the store and grabbed it just because" gift. Forget your ex: Give yourself a present and put him out of your life.
I, too, am accused of being the one who has 'a problem' by my ex, who perceives himself as flawless. The only problem that you have is that you finally realized what a prick he is. Just because he wants to make a nice gesture and 'keep in touch' through small talk voicemails does not make him a person worthy of your time. Obviously, there are some undertones of 'I want to let you know i'm moving on' by the fact that he mentioned mexico so teasingly. I've come to realize that the less I know about my ex, the happier I am. I dont want to hear about his vacations with friends/new flings...just makes it more difficult.
As for the flirting: good for you! I had the most amazing past couple of days: met someone online who is a complete sweetheart, and we've been going out and having the time of our lives together. Do i still miss my ex? Of course. There's a tremendous void that will take more than 2 dates to fill. I also flirted it up at the bar on Friday. Not that I expect the phone numbers that I collected to turn into anything, but just knowing that I 'haven't lost it' makes me feel great. You should get out and do some more...even if the recipients are just player bartenders, it's fun. :)
My last words of wisdom: Get off the roller coaster ride he's putting you on. I know how hard it is (I woke up early this morning because I had an anxiety attack just thinking about my ex and his new relationship and how much it hurts me to think that I've been replaced.) It's the up and down of emotions that is making you so tired. You literally go to hell and back with every time you talk to him...it's not worth it for you. If he can't understand your motives, tell him that simply.
I wish this would go away overnight for both you and me. I know it's not likely to for either of us, but that if we don't continue to try, we'll never move on. Things that have been helping me: Focus on you. Be selfish and narcissistic. Look at yourself in the mirror and realize all of the things that you contribute to the world. Laugh at your ex's folly for not realizing just how amazing you are.
Sorry about the novel. Obviously, this hits extremely close to home, and I'm feeling every bit as confused/angry/upset/sad/deflated as you. Know that you're not alone.
Posted by octopusprime on December 7, 2003, at 13:12:34
In reply to Ex left message., posted by kara lynne on December 7, 2003, at 3:04:38
good for you for sticking up for yourself and making your needs front and center.
that is some seriously healthy behaviour, young lady.
if you keep that up you will be threatened with recovery and healing.
jolly good! (even if it doesn't necessarily feel that way)
Posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 13:58:03
In reply to Ex left message., posted by kara lynne on December 7, 2003, at 3:04:38
And you said "NO".
Good for you, Kara!
Know that his comment about Mexico was intended to make you crazy. So don't let it. Let it make you mad that he want so manipulate you like that. And his flipping the tables is the same thing - let it fuel your anger that he does that to you.
Good for you for flirting. You are doing so well.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on December 7, 2003, at 15:12:21
In reply to Re: Ex left message. » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 13:58:03
Kara,
I think that one good turn deserves another. Maybe you can save your christmas money and take a trip that you want.
It shouldn't hurt to be an ex, but it so often does. We all need pampering.
Dee.
Posted by judy1 on December 8, 2003, at 9:23:12
In reply to Ex left message., posted by kara lynne on December 7, 2003, at 3:04:38
you did everything so right, I'm really impressed! Going out with a supportive friend is the best thing you could have done for yourself, and taking care of yourself is what your supposed to be doing. we all have ex's like that in our histories, but that is how I learned how to find a loving, supportive spouse for myself. I wish the same for you once you heal. take care, judy
Posted by oeps7 on December 8, 2003, at 12:21:24
In reply to Re: Ex left message. » kara lynne, posted by judy1 on December 8, 2003, at 9:23:12
Kara,
Good for you! I think it was good you called him and said those things - gives him something to think about. The bartender sounds cute.
NO you do not have some terrible disease you're tired from all your anxiety and depression - it is exhausting.
hugs to you and good for you for going out!
Mary
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