Psycho-Babble Social Thread 258126

Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

On the Mind of the Addict

Posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 16:08:49

Well, I wish I hadn't offended Mercury ... and, given that, hope there's someone out there ... who can talk some on the topic noted above.

I'm (still) in a quandary, as to how/why things have disintegrated around me (and more importantly, around "him"), since hooking up with Paul in November of last year.

At the time, he was unemployed, but settled (somewhat unhappily) in an apartment ... with a phone ... and a computer ... etc. etc. etc. After driving out to see me (some 1100 miles), I learned the "apartment situation" was a live-in situation with a woman I knew nothing of ....

Those who've followed this story know the relationship ended ugly, with girlfriend filing A&B charges. When Paul followed up on these, he learned there was another A&B charges from yet an earlier girlfriend ....

In the meantime, his unemployment passed the one-year mark ... his "stay" here, ended up financed, in large part by me ... whereupon I realized he drank too much ... his need for pot bordered on the creepy levels (I could definitely tell when he was running out) ... he was moody ... unpleasantly so .... Then there was a night of crack-use ....

This spring he went back to NY. Hooked up again with the woman he'd told me was "crazy," and that he wanted nothing to do with (the one who'd filed the charges). Good grief. Then he came into $35-grand, which somehow led to renewed crack use -- and now .... I'm imagining most of the money is gone, the first A&B resulted in a conviction ... the mother of his first-born threw him out, the mother of his second-born has recently filed a restraining order ....

And I'm wondering -- how did this peace-loving, wonderful man I used to know (whom I invited into my heart and home some 10 months ago) become such a bum and such a loser?

I'm supposing he'll just end up in jail following his trial for the second A&B this Wendesday .... And this is probably a good thing? But won't he still find avenues for crack-use in jail? And ... even if he doesn't find/have access to crack -- will being in jail ever rehabilitate him in any way? Will I ever talk again with this sweet man I used to know? Or this other guy ... this guy with the flat affect ... who doesn't seem to care about anything -- is that the guy who's here to stay.

Will Paul, as I knew him, ever come back? And how does one "un-hook" from a loved one .... Especially during a time of such need?

* * * * *

What's the matter with me, I wonder.

It should be easy as one-two-three, given what I've spelled out here ....

But where did that man go? That sweet, sweet man ... and even if he were only but "friend" ...

I wonder what to do now?

* * * * *

Maybe I need to do a google-search on the mind of a sociopath ....

Has anyone, but me, ever found themselves in a situation like this?

Temmie

 

On the Mind of the Addict, continued ...

Posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 17:05:18

In reply to On the Mind of the Addict, posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 16:08:49

I meant to note, that Paul’s existence from a “home with phone and computer, etc.,” to being right in my neighborhood, has eroded to his living 1l00 miles away again, to being unemployed for way too long, with a career-ending conviction, and his living out of a tent, or cheap hotel/motels in questionable neighborhoods with break-ins and robberies, the loss of (not one, but two) bicycles, etc. etc., phone calls that are less than sporadic, and then -- while “speaking” of Paul, he called as I was finishing the entry above -- so I’m not sure I ended things very eloquently .... If there is such a thing as an eloquent end to the impossible situation I’ve described.

I guess I said it well enough, but I’m still wondering what happened to the peace-loving, t’ai chi teaching, health-care professional I used to know and love, and if this “manifestation” of Paul’s nature/spirit/soul will ever make an appearance again .... If jail time will bring it out, or bury it more ... and what all this means.

Believe me, if I could find someone -- anyone -- who might be the least bit enticing, I’d take the bait; but I’ve looked, and guess I’ve decided in the end, one “can’t hurry love,” and can’t manufacture attraction where no chemistry exists ....

In the end, I’ll be alright going back to just being “me by myself” again, which is -- as it turns out -- what I’ve been doing anyhow. It’s just that things with Paul were so sweet for awhile ... and I can’t quite understand how I got sucked into something so unhealthy with one who always impressed me as being good, and wholesome, and worth getting to know at a deeper level of meaning. And, it's weird. Of all the men I've known, I always felt so safe in his arms.

Strange.

Such a strange, sad story.

T.

 

Re: On the Mind of the Addict

Posted by Sebastian on September 8, 2003, at 19:11:14

In reply to On the Mind of the Addict, posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 16:08:49

In a way I was that man in a previous life. No I don't have any kids or A&B's, what ever thay are. But I was heavy into drugs, moved in with a girlfreinds, she through me out, later wanted me back but I wasn't interested anymore. But I know of lots of this type of relationship, here's my annalogy:

1. He's in jail, most likely he won't change when he gets out, more likely will get worse.

2. He was covering his lifestyle when he met you, posibly a hole.

3. Momentary change in idelation, failed for the more worse, he was craving more drugs.

4. He had only started going down hill, which I doubt, with the previous bad relationships.

5. You could end up like the others if you give in when he comes around again. Very likely.

6. He's come into money elsewhere and wants nothing to do with you now. That's why he left for a large crack binge.

7. You know the flat affect personality of his now, thats probably the one that will stay.

8. He loves drugs and will never change.

9. You don't have any permanent ties with him, do you? May be you want to lose him, especialy when he comes back apon anouther hard time, and gets real interested in you, when that $50,000 offer comes up in New Yotk. Who knows what troble that could bring you??

10. If he ever changes, it probably won't be for many years, even then he won't be the same person you saw befor.

Hope I can help?

Sebastian

PS: Took me 10 years of using drugs to finaly come round.

 

Re: On the Mind of the Addict » Temmie

Posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 20:47:28

In reply to On the Mind of the Addict, posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 16:08:49

>>Will I ever talk again with this sweet man I used to know?

I wish I could say yes. I wish I could tell you to put him in a rehab program and when he comes out he'll be fine. I suppose it is possible. I don't think it is likely - I'm sorry, Temmie.

Who was that man? Maybe he held it together long enough for you to fall in love with him. He has been NOT that man for much more of his life than he was that man. I don't know who he was, but I haven't heard you say anything that would make me think that he would come back to stay.

He has too much history of problems. Ex-wives, girlfriends. Drugs of various flavors. Homelessness. And there is not indication that he *wants* to turn back into the man you love.

So that leaves you loving *your* Paul.

But *your* Paul doesn't exist. The only Paul who does exist is the one you describe in your post. And then you say:

>>What's the matter with me, I wonder.

>>It should be easy as one-two-three, given what I've spelled out here ....

You can't take the existing Paul and expect to end up with *your* Paul. You'll end up with the existing Paul.

Your Paul was temporary. If he was more than temporary, then his life wouldn't be as much of a mess as it is. You are in love with someone who doesn't exist. I'm so sorry. I wish I could see it another way. But I can't.

Temmie, you have so much going for you. If you get connected with Paul you will spend the rest of your life fighting to get him to be what you want him to be. Four ex-wives and girlfriends are still involved with him enough so that you know all about them. Don't do this.

There are other men in the world. There are people to be friends with. There are people to love. You know that it takes some time and effort to find people. You need to do that.

Will you ever find someone who you love as much as *your* Paul? I don't know. Will you ever find someone who can make you really happy? I would think that this is likely.

[These are just my opinions. They are based on the information you have posted and what I have learned in my life. I believe that you wanted me to give my opinion. But please take all of the information that you have available to you and make your own decision]

(((((Temmie)))))

 

Re: On the Mind of the Addict » fallsfall

Posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 20:58:04

In reply to Re: On the Mind of the Addict » Temmie, posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 20:47:28

Thank you Fallsfall.

I am heartsick.

I know you are right. I am in love with an ideal -- a fiction I created and believed in (and wondered about) in the 20 years between when I "knew" Paul last ... which wasn't apparently "knowing" at all, and when I "found" him again ... 20 years later.

The song, "Amazing Grace" came to my mind after writing that last post. "I was blind ... and ... still don't see."

That's all it is.

I'm not open to experiencing the "higher" spiritual reality, because I'm holding on to a vision/reality that doesn't exist ... and there's no room for anything other than this to manifest.

Oh -- I do need to get back to Psycho-Babble Faith, and start finding time again for meetings. You know, the Al-Anon meetings.

I've just got to start seeing straight.

Thank you. I so value your thoughts, experiences, insight, wisdom -- and the great time and heart you put into writing me.

I'm sorry for being such a wimp, and for taking soooo long to sort this thing through.

Sad Temmie.

P.S. You'd think Dinah, your imposter would be more skilled at spelling your name -- but then he/she wouldn't be able to post. Sorry. T.

 

re: the ghost of that Addict haunts you » Temmie

Posted by lil' jimi on September 8, 2003, at 21:09:46

In reply to On the Mind of the Addict, continued ..., posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 17:05:18

temmie,

i miss merc too ...

i'm still pulling for you ... ... always will ...
... ... i'm slow to search all the boards ... but i try ...

just take care of yourself ... ... you know how ...
... we're here when you need us, babe,
~ jim

 

Re: On the Mind of the Addict » Temmie

Posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 22:02:31

In reply to Re: On the Mind of the Addict » fallsfall, posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 20:58:04

Temmie,

I am so sad for you. I know it felt so good.

You deserve to find someone who can make you happy and meet your needs. He would be lucky to find you. He is out there, waiting.

I think that you have tackled this admirably. It was very hard.

(((((Temmie)))))

 

Re: On the Mind of the Addict » Temmie

Posted by Liligoth on September 8, 2003, at 23:02:52

In reply to On the Mind of the Addict, posted by Temmie on September 8, 2003, at 16:08:49

Hi Temmie,
sorry to hear of all this pain you've been experiencing. Everyone else has given you such good advice & Sebastian knows from bitter experience the truth of it that it takes around 10years to grow out of it.

Be prepared for if/when he next contacts you so you arent caught in a vulnerable state. He will either be in a complete mess & appealing to your desire to save him or he will be in the guise of the 'old' Paul that you love so much. Be prepared with what you will do & say to protect yourself.

 

Thank you all: Moving back to P-B Faith

Posted by Temmie on September 9, 2003, at 9:31:11

In reply to Re: On the Mind of the Addict » Temmie, posted by Liligoth on September 8, 2003, at 23:02:52

Thank you everyone. As I said to Fallsfall, thank you all for your time, thoughts, caring, spirit, wisdom and counsel. Thank you for spending time with me here, rehashing a story that many must surely be tired of by now.

I'm going to move back over to the Psycho-Babble Faith board. Hopefully I'll have something (of faith!) to share!

Somehow ... I must plant my feet on the reality of being a bigger, stronger, wiser, more all-knowing, powerful being than what I've been permitting myself access to. There is a Higher Power ... if it's alright for me to say this here .... It is humbling (and heartening) to know there are unseen, benevolent forces pulling for me -- including yourselves!

I should be able to get through this, and by surrendering what I can't understand -- and opening to help -- which is sorely needed -- I will find my way.

Bless you all in your journey.

Temmie


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