Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 19:39:47
I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread or not, I didn't want to steer that one into a different direction completely
I feel the same way about honor and integrity being a huge turn on. I've noticed though men are really really good at playing honorable, I mean to the point where it doesn't even seem
like they are being just too good. Its like the facade has just enough built in flaws to make it all the more believable.
I mean it when I say I'm scared to date again.
Really scared. Recently I've only ended up with relationships that end up nutty and cruel.I'd almost be happy just to have a normal breakup. That would be a relief.
How long do you know someone before you can even start letting your guard down. What is realistic?
Posted by Dinah on August 12, 2003, at 19:53:46
In reply to Dating The Honor Detector (sort of a sub thread), posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 19:39:47
Ten years?
Oh... *Start* letting your guard down.
Seriously, I have enormous trust issues. Hence the thirteen years of dating before our eleven years of marriage. And I knew him for a year and a half as a friend before we started dating. And he *still* ended up with a few unpleasant surprises for me when we married.
How about letting your guard down slowly? Give a little bit of trust, see how it is handled, give a bit more, see how that is handled. Etc. Etc. Now this comes more from my therapy relationship than my dating one. I was too young to clarify these things back then. But I'll bet (knowing me) that I did a fair amount of testing. :( I'm a brat sometimes.
Of course, what do I know about men nowadays. Back in the good old days (early eighties) a slow courtship was still acceptable.
Posted by Dinah on August 12, 2003, at 20:01:13
In reply to Dating The Honor Detector (sort of a sub thread), posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 19:39:47
And Gabbi?
Sorry if I came off bratty or smug. I really don't know much about relationships. I always came at them from friendship first (from several months to a lifetime) then dating. And only one worked out.
Oh, except two. And those were one date wonders. One guy was clearly a proselytizing date. I guess he figured dangling his admirable self was adequate enticement to bring me back to the church. The other was a guy I met on campus in passing. He found out I liked dogs and so told me an hilarious story, the punchline of which involved the dog's death. He figured since I liked animals I'd find that one funny. That was the closest I've ever had to a bad date. The proselytizing guy was nice enough.
I've really got no business being involved in relationship threads. That one just reminded me of my long ago conversation with my cousin.
Posted by Ted on August 12, 2003, at 23:08:47
In reply to Dating The Honor Detector (sort of a sub thread), posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 19:39:47
Hey, it's not just creepy men, it is also creepy women. I had just about given up before I met my wife. Face it: the world has 'nice people' and creeps of all types and both sexes. The challenge is sorting out who's who sometimes.
Ted
Posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 23:19:10
In reply to Re: Dating The Honor Detector (sort of a sub thread), posted by Ted on August 12, 2003, at 23:08:47
I certainly didn't mean to exclude women.
Its just that most of the contributers thus far have only had experience with men.
However having dated both men and women I agree
there are plenty of spooky people of both sexes.
Actually my most hurtful relationship was with a woman. Right now though, I'm inquiring about men,
Posted by gabbix2 on August 13, 2003, at 15:26:06
In reply to Re: Dating The Honor Detector (sort of a sub thread) » gabbix2, posted by Dinah on August 12, 2003, at 20:01:13
Thats the first thing I thought.
That Dinah, So smug about Her perfect husband, her perfect depression, her perfect financial difficulties, when will she ever quit rubbing it in everyone's face :)No Dinah, Smug well I couldn't imagine you smug, and I like you when you're bratty, I unlike some people in your life (if I remember correctly) don't think it happens enough.
Thanks, I don't know. I really shouldn't date period. I remember before I had such short periods between depressions, I had so many things I enjoyed doing. I had planned on being single for the rest of my life.
Now, it seems I don't enjoy anything really,
and I all I want is to be in love. Its not my biological clock either. I don't want to have children. I guess the depression has taken away much of my feelings of self reliance. Who knows.
Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2003, at 22:32:04
In reply to Really Dinah! » Dinah, posted by gabbix2 on August 13, 2003, at 15:26:06
Chuckle. Yes, you're right. And it's my perfect husband that doesn't like me bratty or playful for that matter.
There is no perfect, I suppose. Just imperfections that you can or can't live with.
Maybe it is that drive to be taken care of that we've been yearning for on the board lately that leads you to yearn for love.
I guess the irony is that love doesn't often give you (the global you, not you particularly) that back to the womb feeling.
Posted by Tabitha on August 13, 2003, at 23:26:09
In reply to Re: Really Dinah! » gabbix2, posted by Dinah on August 13, 2003, at 22:32:04
> I guess the irony is that love doesn't often give you (the global you, not you particularly) that back to the womb feeling.
Maybe not.. but that first couple of weeks sure is great. Makes me feel like I'm about to be totally accepted and have all my attachment needs met, finally. A temporary illusion, but sooo nice to feel.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 0:20:18
In reply to Re: Really Dinah!, posted by Tabitha on August 13, 2003, at 23:26:09
Now there's my problem. I haven't had those first few weeks for twentyfour years!! lol. And even then, since I had known him for a good year or more, I had no illusions that all of my attachment needs could be met.
But the good solid friendship of a committed relationship is pretty nice in its own way. I especially delight in the private language and shared history. The way we know each other so well that we can pretty much predict what we'll say or even what we'll order in any given restaurant. It's sort of comfy. Even when it's something completely annoying. :)
Posted by KimberlyDi on August 14, 2003, at 12:36:32
In reply to Dating The Honor Detector (sort of a sub thread), posted by gabbix2 on August 12, 2003, at 19:39:47
I think that, in my entire dating history, I've only dated one truly good person. I broke up with him because I felt that I wasn't good enough for him. He didn't deserve my problems. Of course, now I could kick myself in the butt because he was definately family material. I wasn't able to love him though. All I understood was the passionate chaotic emotional rollercoaster-style relationship. That smooth sailing stuff threw me off balance. LOL. No jealousy, no arguments.
I was a damaged person. Honestly, how can a damaged person find the right person to love? My theory, fix yourself first. Dating abusive personalities hinders your ability to recover from depression.
KDi in Texas
Posted by gabbix2 on August 14, 2003, at 15:57:35
In reply to Re: Dating The Honor Detector (sort of a sub thread) » gabbix2, posted by KimberlyDi on August 14, 2003, at 12:36:32
I was a damaged person. Honestly, how can a damaged person find the right person to love? My theory, fix yourself first. Dating abusive personalities hinders your ability to recover from depression.
Its so true, and good advice, Thank You,
its just that they never seem abusive at the time, and I'm just such a sucker!
Its so difficult with depression, it seems the only things I can feel are the extreme emotions,
and so feeling something, ANYTHING, like love or the possibility is so difficult to resist.
Posted by Ted on August 14, 2003, at 16:33:00
In reply to Re: Dating The Honor Detector (sort of a sub thread) » gabbix2, posted by KimberlyDi on August 14, 2003, at 12:36:32
> My theory, fix yourself first. Dating abusive personalities hinders your ability to recover from depression.
Great theory. Unfortunately this is often easier said than done. (the fixing one's self part -- I don't know if I will ever be fixed)
Ted
This is the end of the thread.
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