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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by whiterabbit on May 24, 2003, at 15:06:51
This thinking is hard business.
Despite a successful medication regimen, these past couple of weeks I've felt myself sinking into a depressive cycle. The fall is much slower now and the impact not so life-threatning - I've been given a parachute. I still go down, however.I guess I could leave now if I wanted to. My former employer has sent me some paperwork giving me three options on what to do with the money in my retirement fund. I can leave the money where it is, I can roll it over into another savings plan, or I can cash it in. They'll send me a check for the entire amount minus 20% for taxes
(sickening), it's a pretty big chunk of money.
Well, for an unemployed, destitute person like myself, it's considerable. My husband actually said to me, "Why don't you get the money and move out?" I thought he was finished hurting me, but apparently not.My anger and pride, they tell me to take the money and run. (Here I can't help smiling when I think of the white rabbit chasing away the knights in Monty Python's Holy Grail - "Run away! Run away!")But this is my house too. THIS IS MY HOUSE TOO. I don't intend to keep it - it's far too old, much too big, needs too much work. But neither am I going to slink away wounded and let him keep all the spoils. I need a plan.
But when I start thinking of practical matters, I want to panic. I feel overwhelmed, outgunned. I can manipulate words with ease but I'm dreadful with numbers and money. I can't even balance my checkbook, how am I going to get through this??
A year from now I could be standing on the street corner in rags with a cup full of pencils to sell.
It's not fair...I worked so hard for so many years and now I feel like one of those poor Enron people, watching it all drain away...I won't panic. I'll get help. I'll get a financial advisor and a lawyer. I guess.
But for now I'll just sit here and look out this window that I've been looking out of for 17 years,
and know that I won't have this window to look out of anymore in a matter of months. I wish I had someplace else to go that was nearly as familiar. I'm thinking about how nice it would be if somehow, all of us here on PB could have a club to go to where we could be miserable together. All of us have the strength to bear the misfortunes of others, so when our own problems threaten to drag us along and drown us in the swamp, we could run to our Misery Club and listen to somebody else talk about their troubles. I understand this is the premise of all your self-help groups...I don't know, I haven't been a joiner since they kicked me out of Brownies for being so morose.But a Misery Club could be the ticket. It would have a Barnes & Noble-Starbucky feel, or maybe
an old-fashioned men's-club atmosphere without the snobbiness. Big, cushy chairs (oh Lord she's warming up), huge fireplace, thick rugs, and portraits of depressives like Poe and Plath. Instead of cigars in the humidors, there would be Xanax. We could pull up our chairs around the fireplace with our coffee and wine and brandy snifters, and bounce ideas off each other..."Say,
why don't you just kill that b******, he seems awful troublesome."
"Maybe I will, how do you think I should go about it?"Lord I'm cracking up. But I do feel a little better, thanks for listening.
-Gracie
Posted by justyourlaugh on May 24, 2003, at 16:43:38
In reply to The Misery Club, posted by whiterabbit on May 24, 2003, at 15:06:51
g,,
i too was asked to leave brownies
one of the leaders said something mean to my sister,so i kicked her..
...
i go the misery club quite often,
im the drunk at the end of the bar.
j
Posted by fallsfall on May 24, 2003, at 16:49:32
In reply to The Misery Club, posted by whiterabbit on May 24, 2003, at 15:06:51
Can I make a reservation to come to your club? You have such lovely portraits on the wall!
I'm probably too new to have seen the details, but why does he get the house? Isn't he the one who did the _bad_ thing? You should definately get a lawyer. It isn't all fun and games, and the lawyer will ask you questions that you don't want to answer. But in the end (so the theory goes) it will be more equitable.
I can relate to your inability to do math. I have a masters degree in Math, and these days I can't add two numbers together. My friend's daughter, 7th grade, called for help with her homework. I had to IM with my daughter in college because I couldn't explain the problem. That did wonders for my self esteem!
And keep taking those meds, even though you are going down. On my last slide it was so clear to me that I would have been in much worse shape if I didn't have my meds. And I'm pretty amazed at how quickly I am returning back up to my severely depressed "normal".
You will come out the other side, Gracie, and you will make it. I say this because you have spunk and humor. And so I believe that you won't let it be any other way.
P.S. what is the address of the club?
Posted by Snoozy on May 24, 2003, at 19:51:27
In reply to The Misery Club, posted by whiterabbit on May 24, 2003, at 15:06:51
I'll move in for the summer!!! I'm really ticked off at the moment. I was taking a nap, and some idiots fired up their grill right below my window (the smell of that stuff makes me really gag - I can't stand it!! Even with all the windows closed I can smell it) and then they're kicking this soccer ball around and up in the air - towards the building! I didn't care to have something crash through my window while I'm lying there, so I thought I'd just come out and work on the computer. ARRRGGH!! More idiots grilling on the other side!! I'm pretty sure it's illegal on this side, as its a public park. I suppose it would be pretty mean spirited to call the cops on a family barbecue? But hey, their kid is blocking the fire hydrant too! Memorial Day is becoming for me a reminder that being a misanthrope is a step UP for me in the summer. OK, now someone is howling. Literally howling outside. I totally understand the crotchety old guy you-kids-get-off-the-lawn thing now.
Being able to vent here is a good alternative to pharmaceuticals, thanks guys.
Gracie, I think it might be a good idea for you to meet with a financial planner. It might be useful to have a "disinterested" view (by that I mean an outsider not involved in the emotions of the situation - I hope I'm making that sound ok).
BTW, one of my all-time faves is "the cask of amantillado" That guy was dark!
Posted by justyourlaugh on May 24, 2003, at 22:26:15
In reply to Re: The Misery Club, posted by Snoozy on May 24, 2003, at 19:51:27
why do we let the"others"get to us?
why do we allow ourselves to become upset over people who could care less about us?
why are people so ignorant?
why couldnt they knock on you door to join them for a bite? a soccor game......
....
i hope you are not feeling left out of the fun....
sit with me at the bar...
i am alone
j
Posted by whiterabbit on May 24, 2003, at 23:39:45
In reply to Re: The Misery Club » whiterabbit, posted by fallsfall on May 24, 2003, at 16:49:32
Alright, the Misery Club needs to be soundproof to shut out the Norms. I guess we'll need a doorman who won't let you in without the secret password - "Paxil" or something.
JYL, you don't have to be alone here unless, of course, you want to be. We'll put in some fishtanks so we have something to watch while we're brooding. Long velvet curtains to shut out the daylight. A fire going in the fireplace at all times so you can pick up a poker and stir at the ashes moodily. Or throw your brandy glass in there if you suddenly get manic.
My gosh, I am cracking up.
-Gracie
Posted by justyourlaugh on May 25, 2003, at 0:02:14
In reply to Re: The Misery Club, posted by whiterabbit on May 24, 2003, at 23:39:45
g,,
thats the most wonderful thing i heard today...
i dont want to be alone..
i am taking my drink and sitting on one of those fluffy chairs beside you...
i might want to squeeze you hand from time to time..
i am really lost and alone
Posted by Snoozy on May 25, 2003, at 0:49:03
In reply to Re: The Misery the vent » Snoozy, posted by justyourlaugh on May 24, 2003, at 22:26:15
Sure, I'll pull up a chair (can we have optional chairs at the Misery bar?) and join you. I know I'd have a lot more fun with fellow Mizzers than any "normals"!
Thinking back, now that peace is once more at reign in the Snooze fiefdom, it was just one of those days of little irritations piling up all day, and just hitting a tipping point. When Snoozy needs to sleep, steer clear folks!
It seems so rude and inconsiderate to me to be kicking a ball around, between 3 buildings, when if you walk 30 feet, you're in the park. And these weren't kids - I saw quite a few bald spots when I looked down!
Gee, only 2 more days of this kind of stuff I guess. For this weekend anyway. I am sooooo tempted, if this happens again, to play the most annoying kind of music I can find when they're out there. Or... I could mop the floor and toss the dirty water out the window! tee hee. I'd at least kill two birds with one stone.
Those are the eternal why questions. So, what are you drinking?
> why do we let the"others"get to us?
> why do we allow ourselves to become upset over people who could care less about us?
> why are people so ignorant?
> why couldnt they knock on you door to join them for a bite? a soccor game......
> ....
> i hope you are not feeling left out of the fun....
> sit with me at the bar...
> i am alone
> j
Posted by justyourlaugh on May 25, 2003, at 1:10:25
In reply to Re: The Misery the vent » justyourlaugh, posted by Snoozy on May 25, 2003, at 0:49:03
are you getting all deep?
i need it tonight....
most nights..
i always play annoying music...
it alters me...
..the only reason i am at the club is because i am lonely and need human contact...even if i sit alone at the bars end,,,i am here,,looking to lift the loneliness....
mabe even feel like i am real
Posted by whiterabbit on May 25, 2003, at 1:24:31
In reply to Re: The Misery Club, posted by justyourlaugh on May 25, 2003, at 0:02:14
Stay for awhile...we're here for you.
Hold on, girl, hold on hold on.
-Gracie
Posted by Snoozy on May 25, 2003, at 1:25:02
In reply to Re: The Misery the drink » Snoozy, posted by justyourlaugh on May 25, 2003, at 1:10:25
I always get deep and morose near closing time! Even though I'm just drinking water!
Annoying music...do you play music that is annoying to you, or music that you like but others find annoying? Or music that every living creature finds annoying (William Shatner doing Beatles songs comes to mind here).
I'm debating what I should have cued up in case those rascally barbecuers come back. Hmmm....
Posted by shar on May 25, 2003, at 22:49:06
In reply to The Misery Club, posted by whiterabbit on May 24, 2003, at 15:06:51
...to Lumptonia.
Ahhhh, the fond memories of the couch, blankie, Lump basket, and spa. Actually, I find myself there often, it's such a comfy place, and SUCH good company!
I was talking this week to my therapist, about how scattered I feel. Then, we started (well, I started) sort of listing off the things I was dealing with. It turned out to be a lot. No wonder I felt scattered! Scattered was GOOD in the face of the stuff around me (like being in the eye of the storm).
I believe the same about you, G-WR. You are dealing with hurricane force winds disrupting your life right now, and it is not only the force of nature that gets us in those situations, but the distance (emotional distance) with which those things come at us. They are just things, events, people, asses, jerks...whomever...who are brought upon us. They appear with no particular emotion to do us harm because they may be inanimate, or maybe just self-absorbed and uncaring. No matter. The 'us' they reach is real, heartfelt, tender, sensitive, grieving, hurt, sad and traumatized. A hurricane does not care. It would be nice if other humans did, but some of them are more like hurricanes than not.
I feel for you because you have heart. And damn anything for messing with that. I want you to survive, and I believe you will, even if you have a setback (depression-wise). Your world is in chaos, flux, unfamiliar....it makes some sort of sense that depression would result, or anger, or a myriad of other feelings and experiences.
The question is, can you hold on to you? The one we know and love? Down the rabbit hole it feels like, and could be, but don't forget the exit.
xoxo
Shar
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