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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by PhoenixGirl on June 21, 2002, at 22:37:58
I feel so horribly guilty, that I am a bad person. There was a story on the news about a human being's cruel and gory murder, and the family does not want pictures or video of it to be shown. The story disturbed me so much, and I feel love for the deceased person, whom I didn't know of course, and heartbreak over what happened to the person.
There was a newspaper website that showed the person's brutal murder, and many people were outraged that it was shown. I believe that it should never have been made available for the public to view, especially because it hurts the family and disrespects the person's dignity.
But I went to the site anyway, because for some reason I wanted to see the gory murder. I don't know why I did. It's like, I want to understand what the world is really like, the cold, hard reality. Also I think I have that sick curiosity that people have, such as wehen people "rubber neck" when they drive past the scene of a gruesome car accident. People actually want to see something horrible. Why do we do this?
I started to play the website's video of the murder and was going to watch the whole thing, but I closed the site before the gruesome scenes began. My heart was pounding and I felt horror and guilt. I feel so very guilty for even considering to watch the video. I never want to deny a person their dignity, or to look at the video which the family did not want shown. I closed the website before the murder scene began because I felt a sense of wrongness inside. I want to be a good person. What is it inside me that made me want to see the tape? Sick curiosity? And I even have thoughts of going back to the site and watching the rest of the videotape....So that human cruelty will be real to me and not seem like something that happens "out there". You know, that numbness you have when you watch the news. For example, a news story can report on how people died in a suicide bombing or something, but the gruesome reality of splattered bodies is not shown, so we don't absorb the full horror of the reality.
I want to understand why people do cruel things. I don't know how viewing that gruesome videotape would help me understand, but somehow I felt that it would. And I think I have that sick curiosity that seems to be a part of the human condition. I just feel so guilty and awful. Please share your thoughts.
Posted by adamie on June 21, 2002, at 22:42:57
In reply to Guilt about looking at gory images. Am I awful?, posted by PhoenixGirl on June 21, 2002, at 22:37:58
hi nice lady. you seem like you may have a lot of anxiety towards such things. it is okay to see such gory images for a moment just to see how it is like and then we have no desire anymore. i seen some horrid images on the net. it made me curious how more sick and disgusting people can be. so i clicked the next link and the next. sick disgusting scenes of gory suicides. i cant believe someone would post those. very disgusting people out there. you are not awful. you in fact may be a precious angel :p. want to talk more? e-mail me at adamie18@hotmail.com
take care
Posted by ST on June 22, 2002, at 3:45:11
In reply to Re: Guilt about looking at gory images. Am I awful? » PhoenixGirl, posted by adamie on June 21, 2002, at 22:42:57
Hi PG,You're not a bad person. You're a human being and you have traits, desires, feelings, curiosities and tics that human beings have. It would be wonderful for you to embrace all your humanness without judgement. And simply because you worry and wonder about whether you are a bad person means you have a conscience. Good people have a conscience. And the hell with "good" and "bad" - they are absolutes that no one really can adhere to anyway.
I used to be wracked with thoughts that I was a bad person. I was always guilty. I would worry and wonder whether certain people had figured out that I was a bad person yet...I used to worry about being "found out"! I now do not feel that way and I'm not sure exactly how and when these thoughts subsided. I know it had a lot had to do with getting on the right meds and my obsessive thoughts decreased. I now am very accepting of myself and through getting to know a lot of different people and being curious as to how peole tick, I now know that I am not a "bad" person. But I really, really, really thought I was a bad person. I had guilt constantly.
I don't know how old you are, what your life experiences are, your relationship and family history, etc., but I do think with time these thoughts decrease.
Sarah
Posted by bookgurl99 on June 25, 2002, at 8:44:14
In reply to Guilt about looking at gory images. Am I awful?, posted by PhoenixGirl on June 21, 2002, at 22:37:58
PGirl,
I've experienced something similar in the past - would read gory newspaper articles, couldn't get them out of my head. I think part of the need to know details is because we have the idea that we can keep ourselves safe by knowing exactly what happened. So, it's a misguided attempt by your mind to protect you.
I hope you are feeling better, and able to dig out some positive images to focus on.
bookgurl99
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