![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by waterlily on June 21, 2002, at 16:32:39
My 35 year old married sister just found out she's 6 months pregnant and she is devestated. She's never wanted children and even says she's had 'nightmares' about being pregnant. She says she feels nothing for this baby and wishes she was dead. She also said that every cell of her body does not want the baby. If it wasn't so late in the pregnancy she'd have it aborted. Her husband feels the same and he had a vasectomy two years ago. She plans on putting the baby up for adoption. I'm the only family member she's told because she wants to keep it a secret. I'm having such a hard time giving her my full support while she is talking about how much she hates this pregnancy. It seems so harsh to me that she has absolutely no feelings for a baby that's moving around inside her but at the same time I do understand that parenthood is a job she's never wanted. It is trying for even the best of us. However I want to see the baby at the very least and ideally be able to visit every now and then. I feel like she's giving away part of our family. If I am not able to have any sort of contact, even with the adoption agency or adoptive parents, it will feel like a huge loss for me. I am 33, married 13 years, and have two daughters ages 10 and 7. I would offer to take the baby, but I'm not sure I'm up to it and my husband say he doesn't want to start from scratch again. I feel kind of selfish wanting to know the baby when my sister wants nothing to do with it.
I have talked to her at length and told her she's doing the best thing for the baby, that she is not a bad person for not wanting to be a mother, and that this baby will not hate her for the rest of its life. I praised her for her efforts to ensure the baby's health now that she knows about it. When she said that she wished whe was dead I talked to her until I felt confident that she feeling a little better. I encouraged her to talk to a counselor or therapist and asked her if she wanted me to come visit her this weekend. She gratefully accepted the offer.
I would appreciate any kind words or thoughts anyone has on this situation.
Posted by wendy b. on June 21, 2002, at 18:19:15
In reply to Losing my niece or nephew ... very sad., posted by waterlily on June 21, 2002, at 16:32:39
Dear Waterlily,
Oh, boy, my heart is breaking. So many of us know how deeply moving it is to be carrying a baby, and to want it. I suppose you felt that way about your children, and this is so antithetical to the way your pregnancies went. Even though I had a bad marriage that didn't work out, I still think my daughter is the best thing in my life, always will be, even though, or in spite of the fact that she was a product of a bad marriage. So it's hard to understand for me, and probably even more for you, why your sister can't bring herself to accept the child.
It's sad... How terrible for the growing baby not to have the mother and father send love messages to it, like we did. I read poetry and played music for my baby when she was still in the womb. I patted her and told her how excited we were that she was coming. I believe she understood that... And this baby isn't getting that, these are the kinds of things I think about.
But perhaps once she sees the baby, she'll change her mind. You never know. Our instincts win out sometimes, and motherhood, even though it may not have been on your sister's agenda, may be a part of life that she could accept and acknowledge. I think we're all very flexible, and we can adapt and change our minds about things we once felt very strongly about. Don't you? Perhaps you can tell your sister to try not to make any firm adoption plans until she actually delivers. Is that possible?
God, I feel like saying, and I guess I will, that I would take the baby, and you could see her(him) any time you wanted. I always wanted more than one. This is silly talk, but I really feel your anguish and wish there were something I could do... Very frustrating...
Please write again, I would appreciate knowing more about how you are feeling, and about how things are progressing as far as the baby and your sister are getting along.
What a heartbreaker.
All the best to you,
Wendy
ps: if you want, you can e-mail me at:
koleppski at yahoo dot com
Posted by ST on June 22, 2002, at 4:04:26
In reply to Re: Losing my niece or nephew ... very sad. » waterlily, posted by wendy b. on June 21, 2002, at 18:19:15
This must be gut wrenching for you. Your story really hit me. I was wondering what your sister must be going through right now. You're being very supportive. I have always known that I don't want kids. So I do understand your sister's shock and depression about this. But she is making the best choice if she truly does not want the baby. There are so many loving couples out there who *want* a child and this baby deserves that kind of surrounding.
But - even if she never wants contact with the baby again, you can leave your info with the adoption agency and when she/he is 18 he/she can obtain this info. Maybe once your nephew or niece is an adult you two can actually have a relationship.
Please see if you can coax your sister in to haveing therapy or some kind of counseling during her final months of pregnancy - it will help her so much. And it may even help her make a surprising decision once the baby is born.
Best of luck,
Sarah
Posted by waterlily on June 23, 2002, at 20:34:10
In reply to Re: Losing my niece or nephew ... very sad., posted by ST on June 22, 2002, at 4:04:26
Sarah and Wendy - thanks for taking the time to help me out. I am back from my sister's and am feeling mostly 100% better. She is not being so hateful about her baby and is actually quite concerned about the health of the baby. We went to the mall so she could find a book about adoption. We walked by a maternity store and she went in to look for clothes. She is getting excited about the idea of being able to give another couple something that they've worked so hard for. She is researching what's best for the child regarding the openness of the adoption and wants to interview prospective adoptive parents. Much to my surprise, she wants to arrange a semi-open adoption so that my mom and I could receive pictures of the baby as it grows so we don't feel like it's such a huge loss. She is fully open to the child contacting her once it is eighteen years old. And most importantly, she's actually laughing about the whole situation expecially beating the 1 in 10,000 odds of a failed vasectomy. I was calling my brother-in-law a stud muffin all weekend.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.