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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Roo on June 3, 2002, at 16:17:41
I've been feeling really bad lately. A friend asked
how my spirits were. I told her not too good. (This was
through email) she emailed back to write down 5 things
I would do in an ideal world and said it would make me feel
better. My gut instinct was just to say "You know...fuck
off". It would be nice if that's all it would take to make
me feel better. It just irritated the hell out of me, even
though she was trying to be helpful and meant well. Does she
think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and thinking negatively
and all I need to do is make this little list and everything will
be fine? Life just doesn't even seem worth living
and making a list like that just seems like a mockery of
my existence...everything I feel I CAN'T achieve right there
on a nice little list. Ugh. I know I sound awful, but sometimes
it's so frustrating when the people closest to you
cannot fathom this disease. Her email just made me
burst into tears.
Posted by fi on June 3, 2002, at 16:30:02
In reply to Well Meaning Friends, posted by Roo on June 3, 2002, at 16:17:41
Sympathies!! It is an extra burden when friends have absolutely no idea what you are experiencing and what *would* be helpful.
It doesnt help if some of them think they know what you are experiencing, relating it to when they are a bit fed up or down, rather than thrashing about in dark chaos they cant imagine. So they tell you the kind of things that cheer them up when they are mildly down- or tell you to pull yourself together.
One way of dealing with it is to try and educate them a bit about what you are experiencing, if only to the extent of them realising that its totally different to what they know, and not something so easy to shift. This may be easiest to do by pointing them at reputable websites with info, rather than trying to teach them yourself.
They may still very much care about you, but dont know how to help. So it may be good idea to tell them that what they say isnt helping, and suggest what you would find supportive, as they probably have no idea of what would be? Gives them the chance to improve, and if they dont, avoid them till you are better. You are the no 1 prioirity at the moment.
When its your partner or family that need educating,you can suggest they talk to your pdoc or other health prof.
Anyway, good luck.
Fi
Posted by Greg A. on June 3, 2002, at 16:35:50
In reply to Well Meaning Friends, posted by Roo on June 3, 2002, at 16:17:41
I know what you mean Roo. When I opened up to people about my depression it was to take the pressure off myself to fake feeling okay. That worked, or so it seemed. But then I started to receive these well intentioned, but utterly useless suggestions and inquiries from people who just don’t understand. Even then the attention was nice for awhile. Now, however, I find myself telling people I feel okay when asked, no matter how I am doing. This is not to avoid faking it but to avoid advice such as that you received.
The bottom line is . . . I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD!!! And the Hell with the rest of you and your comments.Greg A.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 3, 2002, at 17:15:44
In reply to Well Meaning Friends, posted by Roo on June 3, 2002, at 16:17:41
Oh, I am feeling your frustration BIG TIME, I have felt the exact same way, even with family. I have often said f-off after putting the receiver back on the phone or to myself when reading an email. I haven't gotten to the point of telling the other person directly yet but sometimes I've come very close.
The other thing that bugs me is when they tell me THEY understand what I'm going through. They have absolutely NO idea what this hell is like if they haven't been through it themselves.
I know people mean well but sometimes they make you feel worse instead of better.
Angel Girl
Posted by IsoM on June 3, 2002, at 18:41:53
In reply to Well Meaning Friends, posted by Roo on June 3, 2002, at 16:17:41
Roo, I agree with everything the pthers posted but I'm taking a slightly different view too. Please, don't think this is absolutely right because I don't want to make you feel any worse.
But what your friend suggested does have a bit of merit. No, it's certainly not enough to make things better, or even to give you a rosy glow. But I know for myself, if I can sometimes get my mind off how horrible I feel, it'll help me from 'sinking lower'.
The more my poor mind dwells on my misery (which is only natural & SO easy) the worse I end up feeling. If someone has the strength of good spirits to gently (no bubbly garbage!) keep steering me on a positive track, I tend to feel better - maybe not immediately, but I'll notice in a day or two, things aren't so bleak.
I've got some wonderful friends who sometimes have the same problems I have - some worse, some better. And we all serve to work to make things more positive for each other, while dishing out gobs of empathy & sympathy. We also aren't afraid to tell each other on the days when we're lower than a snake's belly, that nothing will help for now.
Sometime when you can manage, talk with your friend & ask her how low she gets - how bleak will it be at times for her. If she's experienced bad times, maybe you can help each other in a similar way. For me to simply write down 5 things wouldn't work. But if someone was to quietly talk to me about good things I've enjoyed before, it does help.
Posted by shar on June 3, 2002, at 22:16:40
In reply to Re: Well Meaning Friends » Roo, posted by IsoM on June 3, 2002, at 18:41:53
I have a continuing problem with my family along these lines. Some will buy me a gift, and expect my spirits to improve. Some talk to me quite seriously about what I'm getting out of being depressed. Or ask if I can't focus on other things--well, it is true...if I almost have a wreck in the car I am VERY focused on driving after that, and my depression sort of takes a back seat. Otherwise, my depression has to be at about 50% to make a change in focus work. When it is at full power, it pushes everything else out of the way. I have watched this come on, like watching a storm come across a lake, until I was awash and bereft with depression, an no kinda focusing (listed or otherwise) gets under that.
Hope your frustration eases.
S
Posted by Roo on June 5, 2002, at 9:53:35
In reply to Re: Well Meaning Friends, posted by shar on June 3, 2002, at 22:16:40
ll
Posted by Emme on June 8, 2002, at 23:18:56
In reply to Well Meaning Friends, posted by Roo on June 3, 2002, at 16:17:41
Worse still when the friend giving the well-meaning but painfully off-target advice has a history of full-blown honest-to-god bipolar I !! No lie. Despite all medical wisdom to the contrary she's done great without medication for 15 years and seems to think I should be able to without medication if I just learn to take things in stride (not that being mellow is a bad thing). It's almost as if she has no clue what a mood disorder is. I'm glad she's done so well, but some of the things she's said have hurt so much. I really had to speak up about it and she did take it okay. Otherwise I couldn't have kept the friendship.
Emme
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