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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Anna Laura on December 4, 2001, at 0:40:49
Hi Folks
I haven't been seeing my mother for seven years then my grandmother died and we met at the funeral. We both have changed a great deal throughout all these years: i've mellowed out, i don't get hurt as much as easily as i used to do and she quit drinking, which is a major change.
We managed to build a decent relationship, even if it's still very hard for me to open up. My mother was always away at work since i was a little child (she went back to work when i was just fifteen days old).
The times she was at home she would get rage outbursts very easily and beat me up. I grew up alone, not having anyone to trust and rely on .
When my father left home when i was eight years old i got depressed but didn't tell her. I was depressed for four years; i tried to approach the issue a few times but she would say something like: "children don't have real problems: i have a problem that is your father left me alone with three children after ten years of marriage".
The moral of the story is that i grew so used to bottle feelings up that i can't express my feelings to anyone right now. Our relationship changed a great deal: i used to be really scared of her, now i can look at her straight in the face and act like an adult. She believes i matured a lot and she is glad of it, but still i feel there's something missing: i'd like to open up, to tell her more about my life but i i' hesitate to do so cause i fear she woudn't understand. Nobody expresses his/her feelings in our family, my parents are both very conservative upper middle class northern italians: this means being very polite but cold and distant, viewing education like the most important thing of all, (better be dead rather then a college drop out) appearance it's more important then substance etc.... you know, it's odd, it's like being a part of a very strict english family rather then of an italian one. Last week i showed her an image portfolio for t-shirt screen-printing (i managed to create my own images on computer graphics for the t-shirts i'm planning to sell) and she would look at me as i were a bum. I don't take it personally anymore and don't get hurt cause i'm self confident enough now: i know who i am, that i am a valuable person no matter what oher people say etc...I know she loves me and she cares for me, still i miss the confidence and talkativeness the other mothers and daughters seem to have. A few months ago i finally managed to tell her i'm depressed and i must say she has been supportive, still she is somehow ashamed of it (she doesn't want other people to know about it).
A few weeks ago i was talking about depression in a loud voice and she would come up with this phrase: " Try to lower your voice honey, cause the maid can hear us ".
What do you suggest me to do?
Posted by KB on December 4, 2001, at 8:07:04
In reply to Should i open up to my mother?, posted by Anna Laura on December 4, 2001, at 0:40:49
My grandfather is the same way - totally distant and primarily concerned with what other people think. Personaly, I don't bother trying to share "real" stuff with him, because I feel like it will upset him and I'll be disappointed with his response. Instead I find other people who are warm and responsive to be a part of my life - my "family of choice."
Posted by ChrisK on December 4, 2001, at 16:54:23
In reply to Should i open up to my mother?, posted by Anna Laura on December 4, 2001, at 0:40:49
Hi Anna Laura,
I have read a lot of your posts because I think we have many of the same situations in our lives. I have looked forward to hearing how you are doing with your anhedonia and I hope that this ssituation with your mother isn't causing a problem on top of another problem.
I can relate to the emotional detachment that goes along with many upbringings (mine is American Irish-Catholic). I can be completely sociable but remain detached emotionally from almost any situation.
When it comes to your mother I would hope that you can give her the benefit of the doubt. Those that really love us are the same as those that don't - they don't realize when they are hurting us and when they turn us away. At the same time I must admit that I am guilty of the same. I have driven my family away at times only to realize much later that it was my fault.
I thin that there comes a time when we learn to accept others at face value despite our own mental health issues. We can't always expect them to understand us but we can still accept them for who they are.
I guess through all of this I am trying to say that yes it is to harbor the feelings you do but you may need to accept them aand not neccesarilly confront your mother with it. She is probably in denial about her own problems and probably about what she put you through as a child.
If you would like to discuss this and your anhedonia further please feel free to contact me off the board at the address where it says 'posted by' above. I'm not some internet wacko but I will understand if you don't. I just see a lot of similarities in our lives as they are posted here.
Chris
Posted by Simcha on December 6, 2001, at 7:59:06
In reply to Should i open up to my mother?, posted by Anna Laura on December 4, 2001, at 0:40:49
This depends on what you think of your Mother. Is she a safe person with whom you may share these things?
I'll give you my experience.
My brother is also on medication. He was not able to maintain a facade of "normalcy" or "functionality" as he bottomed out in his depression and alcoholism. He ended up committing himself, going through treatment, and now lives in a 3/4 way house.
I, on the other hand, bottomed out in my own way. I remained financially independent and kept up appearances. I led a double-life. No one really knew how I suffered or to the extent my compulsion ruled my life. They had no idea that I have had sex with over 1000 people. I hid it fairly well.
Even when I was a child I appeared to be more in control that I really was. I was a great caretaker. My mother also loves to live in denial. She really has no idea that I really have wanted to be dead most of my life.
Therefore when I bottomed out in depression at the beginning of the year and asked my doctor if there was anything that could be done my mother really did not have to deal with any of it. The doc put me on meds. Things got better. I shared some of the experience with her and this is the response I got:
"Well, you are experiencing a minor setback. You are not like your brother, you really DON'T NEED THE MEDICATION. You were NEVER DEPRESSED as a child."
When the pdoc determined that my family history and my history of constant depression coupled with at least 4 major depressive episodes in my short 31 year old life warranted long-term treatment I shared this with my mother and this is the response I got:
"I have no idea what that doctor means. You were NEVER DEPRESSED as a child. I'm sure that you will be off of medication soon. You have never been depressed like your brother."
I ripped into her at that point and asked her if she was a doctor. When she answered, "no" I told her (not so politely) that she had no business making a diagnosis and that, basically, she was cracked.
I refuse to share anything more about my treatment with my mother. I now live in Eastern Iowa and she lives in Northeastern Illinois. That separation is VERY good for me. I choose to get support from my chosen family, my friends.
Take Care,
Simcha
Posted by Cecilia on December 6, 2001, at 22:29:47
In reply to Re: Should i open up to my mother? - Depends » Anna Laura, posted by Simcha on December 6, 2001, at 7:59:06
> This depends on what you think of your Mother. Is she a safe person with whom you may share these things?
>
> I'll give you my experience.
>
> My brother is also on medication. He was not able to maintain a facade of "normalcy" or "functionality" as he bottomed out in his depression and alcoholism. He ended up committing himself, going through treatment, and now lives in a 3/4 way house.
>
> I, on the other hand, bottomed out in my own way. I remained financially independent and kept up appearances. I led a double-life. No one really knew how I suffered or to the extent my compulsion ruled my life. They had no idea that I have had sex with over 1000 people. I hid it fairly well.
>
> Even when I was a child I appeared to be more in control that I really was. I was a great caretaker. My mother also loves to live in denial. She really has no idea that I really have wanted to be dead most of my life.
>
> Therefore when I bottomed out in depression at the beginning of the year and asked my doctor if there was anything that could be done my mother really did not have to deal with any of it. The doc put me on meds. Things got better. I shared some of the experience with her and this is the response I got:
>
> "Well, you are experiencing a minor setback. You are not like your brother, you really DON'T NEED THE MEDICATION. You were NEVER DEPRESSED as a child."
>
> When the pdoc determined that my family history and my history of constant depression coupled with at least 4 major depressive episodes in my short 31 year old life warranted long-term treatment I shared this with my mother and this is the response I got:
>
> "I have no idea what that doctor means. You were NEVER DEPRESSED as a child. I'm sure that you will be off of medication soon. You have never been depressed like your brother."
>
> I ripped into her at that point and asked her if she was a doctor. When she answered, "no" I told her (not so politely) that she had no business making a diagnosis and that, basically, she was cracked.
>
> I refuse to share anything more about my treatment with my mother. I now live in Eastern Iowa and she lives in Northeastern Illinois. That separation is VERY good for me. I choose to get support from my chosen family, my friends.
>
> Take Care,
> SimchaI think a lot of mothers have this kind of overwhelming denial, particularly those whose entire identity and self-esteem is wrapped up in being a good wife and mother. That`s why you hear so many cases of mothers who literally don`t see that their children are being sexually abused. I`ve never discussed my lifelong depression with my mother, and it`s too late now even If I wanted to, as she has Alzheimers disease. But I`m sure if I ever had she would have been , like yours, in total denial. And the thing is, even as a child you sense the need for that denial and know full well that the price for keeping love is pretending it`s true. Of course it isn`t real love, it`s love for your mothers`s imaginary child but a child will hang onto that for dear life, it`s better than nothing. Cecilia
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