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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 20, 2001, at 23:28:04
OK, really bad day. Highlight: falling down in the parking lot at work and skinning my knee. Lots of pain in swollen knee, huge lacerations to my pride.
THEN, I get to a lesson which should include at least two instructors, because the kids are such beginners, and find I'm the only one there with a schitzy horse -- the one with the rider who's so tiny her legs don't reach the bottom of the saddle flap!
I do the only thing I can think of to do: send a kid to find another instructor, or, if no one will come, get an ADULT helper to come help. Needless to say, none of the other instructors are willing to come. I get the adult helper, who is not an expert with horses. Big deal, she's an adult, and won't let the kid get hurt.
Well, another instructor then comes by, yells at me for letting the helper lunge the kid on the horse, and tells me to put the horse on the rail with everyone else! I say, "No way."
Now I'm mixed between fury, that someone would come by and yell without asking the circumstances; and terror that I'll lose my job for doing something wrong.
Bottom line is that I'm spinning. Not because I think I did the wrong thing. I know I did the wrong thing, but I also know that it was the only safe and acceptable wrong thing to do in those circumstances. The problem is that I just don't know what the best wrong thing to have done would be. And, of course, I don't know how to assert myself in that situation safely. Nor how to let the other instructor's comments slide by calmly, secure in the knowledge that I did the safest thing available to me at that time.
So, someone tell me the definitive answer. Tell me how to be perfect so that I never have to go through this again. Shouldn't be hard, right? After all, it's only all my life rising up inside me telling me that I MUST, by definition, be wrong, and the really homely thirteen year old girl inside me cowering in front of the truly beautiful, thin, rich and confident girl telling me I'm wrong.
Oh, and mind you, I'm in my late thirties, and this chick was about twenty. Not that personal insecurities have anything at all to do with this. (But don't worry if you're younger than I and hope that age brings increased confidence around cute young women. It doesn't, there's always that inner 13 year old!)
Posted by paula on July 21, 2001, at 7:54:38
In reply to OMG! Second guessing my best judgement..., posted by Racer on July 20, 2001, at 23:28:04
Racer,
Sounds like you did the best thing you could. Boy, I really identify with the self-doubt you're describing; knowing, logically, that you did the best you could, but still uncontrollably anxious about it. This is difficult enough without somebody actually giving voice to those fears! That's the worst!
> Now I'm mixed between fury, that someone would come by and yell without asking the circumstances; and terror that I'll lose my job for doing something wrong.
Hopefully they won't fire you without some kind of inquiry. At that point--if it comes that--you can explain the circumstances.
>
> Bottom line is that I'm spinning. Not because I think I did the wrong thing. I know I did the wrong thing, but I also know that it was the only safe and acceptable wrong thing to do in those circumstances.It's a constant disappointment that life forces so many horrible compromises!
> The problem is that I just don't know what the best wrong thing to have done would be."Best," eh? Sounds like nobody got hurt. Sounds like only rules got broken. You didn't cause the problem, you solved it.
>And, of course, I don't know how to assert myself in that situation safely. Nor how to let the other instructor's comments slide by calmly, secure in the knowledge that I did the safest thing available to me at that time.
I have no idea how to let such comments slide by. Why is it that we can know, logically, that the comments are meaningless, but can't get the illogical part of the mind to let go???
--Paula
>
> So, someone tell me the definitive answer. Tell me how to be perfect so that I never have to go through this again. Shouldn't be hard, right? After all, it's only all my life rising up inside me telling me that I MUST, by definition, be wrong, and the really homely thirteen year old girl inside me cowering in front of the truly beautiful, thin, rich and confident girl telling me I'm wrong.
>
> Oh, and mind you, I'm in my late thirties, and this chick was about twenty. Not that personal insecurities have anything at all to do with this. (But don't worry if you're younger than I and hope that age brings increased confidence around cute young women. It doesn't, there's always that inner 13 year old!)
Posted by paula on July 21, 2001, at 8:06:15
In reply to OMG! Second guessing my best judgement..., posted by Racer on July 20, 2001, at 23:28:04
Almost forgot...
I am so sick of my inner 13 year old!! Actually, though, mine seems to be shutting up a little more often the older I get. (I just turned 30.)
Whaddya think of all these cinderella-themed movies lately? OK, I've only seen the ads on TV, but they really annoy the crap outta me. The original Cinderella was a story about overcoming evil, unjust oppression. More recent versions seem to invert the point of the story. It still *seems* like the heroines are sticking it to those stuck up girls. But the message that I hear/see--as one of the defiantly independent, not-in crowd--is: you may have THOUGHT that you were happy being an individual, but you won't know true happiness until someone comes along to rescue you, to transform you into "one of them."
Anyone else feel this way? Or am I being way to political and sensitive about basically good-natured movies?
> (But don't worry if you're younger than I and hope that age brings increased confidence around cute young women. It doesn't, there's always that inner 13 year old!)
Posted by Jane D on July 21, 2001, at 10:30:57
In reply to OMG! Second guessing my best judgement..., posted by Racer on July 20, 2001, at 23:28:04
Hi Racer -
I have no answers about how to assert yourself but I know this - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! If the school doesn't like it thats just too bad. Ultimately the safety of those kids is your responsibility as well as theirs and you have to protect it any way you can. You did that. You also did it without cancelling the lesson and without making the kid sit out which would have been cruel. So you not only did the right thing - you did the best right thing. Congratulations!
>
> Oh, and mind you, I'm in my late thirties, and this chick was about twenty. Not that personal insecurities have anything at all to do with this. (But don't worry if you're younger than I and hope that age brings increased confidence around cute young women. It doesn't, there's always that inner 13 year old!)Maybe it was about insecurities - hers. With any luck when she gets older she will be able to do what you did. Unfortunately, too many people never learn that and, as a result, people get hurt in preventable accidents. There are some advantages to age and professionalism. After all, you managed this perfectly even though you were already having a lousy day.
By the way, I'm about your age and I've been waiting for that increased confidence since I was young enough to think 18 year olds were grown up.
Jane
Posted by Shar on July 22, 2001, at 0:24:45
In reply to OMG! Second guessing my best judgement..., posted by Racer on July 20, 2001, at 23:28:04
Racer,
"...it was the only safe and acceptable...thing to do in those circumstances."
This sounds like the RIGHT thing to me.
Anyone yelling at you for anything is taking liberties with you.......to which they are not entitled. You may not be able to yell back for various reasons (I need to keep my job, for example) but it is possible to continue to use your best judgment based on the facts available at the moment.
And, the 20 year old may have a better figure or more money, but not as much knowledge as you do. If you are responsible for the consequences, you also get to make the decision you can live with.
There are, at any given moment, an infinite number of right things to do. It is impossible to predict ahead of time which will be the best.
Love pats to your knee,
Shar
> OK, really bad day. Highlight: falling down in the parking lot at work and skinning my knee. Lots of pain in swollen knee, huge lacerations to my pride.
>
> THEN, I get to a lesson which should include at least two instructors, because the kids are such beginners, and find I'm the only one there with a schitzy horse -- the one with the rider who's so tiny her legs don't reach the bottom of the saddle flap!
>
> I do the only thing I can think of to do: send a kid to find another instructor, or, if no one will come, get an ADULT helper to come help. Needless to say, none of the other instructors are willing to come. I get the adult helper, who is not an expert with horses. Big deal, she's an adult, and won't let the kid get hurt.
>
> Well, another instructor then comes by, yells at me for letting the helper lunge the kid on the horse, and tells me to put the horse on the rail with everyone else! I say, "No way."
>
> Now I'm mixed between fury, that someone would come by and yell without asking the circumstances; and terror that I'll lose my job for doing something wrong.
>
> Bottom line is that I'm spinning. Not because I think I did the wrong thing. I know I did the wrong thing, but I also know that it was the only safe and acceptable wrong thing to do in those circumstances. The problem is that I just don't know what the best wrong thing to have done would be. And, of course, I don't know how to assert myself in that situation safely. Nor how to let the other instructor's comments slide by calmly, secure in the knowledge that I did the safest thing available to me at that time.
>
> So, someone tell me the definitive answer. Tell me how to be perfect so that I never have to go through this again. Shouldn't be hard, right? After all, it's only all my life rising up inside me telling me that I MUST, by definition, be wrong, and the really homely thirteen year old girl inside me cowering in front of the truly beautiful, thin, rich and confident girl telling me I'm wrong.
>
> Oh, and mind you, I'm in my late thirties, and this chick was about twenty. Not that personal insecurities have anything at all to do with this. (But don't worry if you're younger than I and hope that age brings increased confidence around cute young women. It doesn't, there's always that inner 13 year old!)
This is the end of the thread.
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