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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Dona on August 18, 2000, at 17:26:51
My mom died in Feb and I think I have been dealing fairly well with grief--went through depression and have seen psych and therapist and combo of talk and meds has helped. My problem is that my sister is an attorney and executor of estate, and for her own problems, she became angry with me after the funeral and refused to let me look through my mom's things. I went home ( I live 3000 miles away) with a few pictures and mementos of my mom and dad. Today I got a form letter from my sister and she is sharing some of the things she found when she went through my mother's belongings. I should be glad she is sharing, but I am so resentful that I did not have the opportunity to do what she did. How do I deal with this resentment--would it do any good to tell her??? I guess I think not because she is such an angry person.
Posted by Nibor on August 18, 2000, at 18:02:59
In reply to Dealing with grief after loss of mother, posted by Dona on August 18, 2000, at 17:26:51
> My mom died in Feb and I think I have been dealing fairly well with grief--went through depression and have seen psych and therapist and combo of talk and meds has helped. My problem is that my sister is an attorney and executor of estate, and for her own problems, she became angry with me after the funeral and refused to let me look through my mom's things. I went home ( I live 3000 miles away) with a few pictures and mementos of my mom and dad. Today I got a form letter from my sister and she is sharing some of the things she found when she went through my mother's belongings. I should be glad she is sharing, but I am so resentful that I did not have the opportunity to do what she did. How do I deal with this resentment--would it do any good to tell her??? I guess I think not because she is such an angry person.
Hi, Dona
I'm so sorry about your loss, and also that you have to deal with this extra problem with your sister. My inclination would be to tell her how you feel but also that you would like your relationship with her to improve--if, indeed, you would like that. It can be so tough between siblings. But when good, there's nothing like it. One of our favorite things is the close friendship between our two children; I pray (or whatever it is that I do) that it stays that way.
Nibor
Posted by Snowie on August 19, 2000, at 12:58:51
In reply to Dealing with grief after loss of mother, posted by Dona on August 18, 2000, at 17:26:51
Dona,
First of all, I wish to extend my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved mother. In my own experiences with the deaths of those I've loved, I've found that it helps to talk with someone, but only time really allows these deep wounds to heal, although you never, ever will forget them.
Something very similar happened to my grandmother after her oldest sister died. There were 3 sisters -- the oldest sister was my great aunt, the middle was my grandmother, and the youngest sister was also my great aunt. My grandmother lived in Florida with my mother, and the other sisters lived together in Mississippi. The oldest sister and the youngest sister were both wealthy. The oldest sister died several years ago.
After my oldest great aunt died, the youngest sister immediately began giving away much of her effects to certain family members and strangers alike, but never once offered my grandmother any of her belongings. Many of the pieces the eldest sister had were items that had belonged to my grandmother's grandmother (for whom she was named), and my grandmother was devastated that she wasn't allowed to pick which items she wanted.
The oldest sister who had died left a beautiful and very expensive house but no will, so both sisters were jointly entitled to share in her estate. Without going into too much detail (or this would be a book), the youngest sister, who was named executrix of the estate by the court, flew down to visit my grandmother soon after my great aunt died, and secretly and fradulently had my grandmother sign over her half interest to her dead sister's house and property to herself for a nuisance sum. When my mother found out what her aunt had done, she threatened to hire a Mississippi attorney and file suit against my great aunt. My great aunt and my mother eventually settled on a fair value for the house, and my grandmother was sent a check for her share. Unfortunately, my mother never forgave her aunt for the way she treated her mother after the oldest aunt had died, and the relationship between my grandmother and her youngest sister was never the same.
Just last November, my grandmother died as well, and my mother made certain that all of my grandmother's children (who live in Mississippi and Tennessee) shared equally in their mother's estate. Consequently, no one has felt any resentment toward my mother, and they have instead been able to celebrate my grandmother's life and mourn her death together as a family.
Snowie
snowie 98 at hotmail dot com
> My mom died in Feb and I think I have been dealing fairly well with grief--went through depression and have seen psych and therapist and combo of talk and meds has helped. My problem is that my sister is an attorney and executor of estate, and for her own problems, she became angry with me after the funeral and refused to let me look through my mom's things. I went home ( I live 3000 miles away) with a few pictures and mementos of my mom and dad. Today I got a form letter from my sister and she is sharing some of the things she found when she went through my mother's belongings. I should be glad she is sharing, but I am so resentful that I did not have the opportunity to do what she did. How do I deal with this resentment--would it do any good to tell her??? I guess I think not because she is such an angry person.
Posted by allisonm on August 19, 2000, at 20:01:41
In reply to Dealing with grief after loss of mother, posted by Dona on August 18, 2000, at 17:26:51
Hi Dona,
I feel badly about the rift between you and your sister. Grief affects people in different ways, I guess. It's sad, because you could have been supporting each other through this time instead of spending all of that energy being angry. I'm sorry you sister couldn't see that.I lost my mother suddenly two years ago. I have been on ADs and weekly psychotherapy for going on three years. I have dealt with a lot of the grief but it still is with me, as my doctor pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago. I had a bad reaction to something recently and was bothered by it. He immediately pointed it out as grief. I thought I was over it, but I guess I'm not. It's unpredictable and I find that extremely frustrating because I cannot control those emotions or their timing.
I don't have any siblings and had to deal with my mom's estate alone. I had some anger with some people -- the daughter of my mother's nosy neighbor, for instance, followed the ambulance to the hospital where my mom died. I live 3 hours away. She lied and told the nurses that she was a relative and they let her in the room to spend time with her immediately after her death. I never got to do that. I chose not to see her body when I got into town the next day as her body was in storage at the funeral home. It felt too late, as though it wouldn't be her anymore.
I have a lot of regrets around our relationship and her death. I lament not seeing her in the time between Father's Day and July 20 - the day she died. It's probably better that I didn't see her dead as it probably would be seared into my brain now. Still, photos don't feel like enough. I resent that Patty was able to say goodbye and will have that memory that I couldn't. My mom's watch disappeared, too. I don't know where it went, but I gave it to her and she always wore it and it wasn't on her body when the funeral home came.
I don't have any real answers. I just know that my anger has faded over time. It seems useless to let it eat me up. It only hurts me further. I cherish the good memories I have and I try to put aside the bad ones (and there are plenty of those because she was a chronic alcoholic).
I will say that I think it takes more than a year to get through the grief. I think one has to live a whole year through without a person before they really feel kind of OK. You have to go through all of the holidays and the birthdays. Even two years after her death, I get twinges of sadness. There even are some times still when someone refers to my mom being dead and I get this startled feeling inside -- like I'm surprised still to hear it and how could it be that she's dead? I don't know whether that ever will go away. I think that I think about my mother at some point every day still.
With sympathy,
allison
Posted by noa on August 30, 2000, at 9:16:01
In reply to Dealing with grief after loss of mother, posted by Dona on August 18, 2000, at 17:26:51
This sounds really hard. I am sorry you have to go through this on top of the loss of your mother. I am sorry I don't have any advice for you on how to deal with it, though.
Posted by NikkiT2 on August 31, 2000, at 7:28:02
In reply to Dealing with grief after loss of mother, posted by Dona on August 18, 2000, at 17:26:51
I really feel for you. When I lost my dad, having something of hius with me was a great help. I wore his wedding ring (until I got married, and my husband now has it), and also had his silver worry egg, just to hold an dplay with to feel close to him But these were things I chose, as felt I had a bond with them (if this makes any sense). It must be very hard to be away from it all, and not be involved in these processes, which do help with the grief.
I can't give any advice I'm afraid, just a (((hug)))
Nikki xx
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