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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deerock on October 4, 2009, at 19:49:26
i had an insight this weekend, that living in the area where i grew up and close to my parents and being connected to them is preventing me from growing in ways that would be helpful and fulfilling to me. my parents were pretty abusive when i was younger and i remained close to them most of my adult life. i still hold many beliefs about myself which were formed during the difficult years i had with my parents. i find it hard to let go of many of these beliefs and my close relationship with them seems to keep me locked in this role as a bad person, always causing problems and not being very capable.
i know these things are not true but i feel that my attachement to my parents is very strong and deep and in part, keeps me locked in to these beliefs. many people i grew up with are now married and being single, i feel like my mom still has my heart. this is strange to say and may or may not be true...but i feel like this is where i need to grow. and since i am 34...i think now is the time.
i will talk to my T about this tomorrow at our session. i really feel like it may be time to look seriously into moving away.
wondering how others may have gotten over their attachment to their parents when it was toxic...and if it was possible to overcome without moving away.
i own my own condo, im in grad school...and moving now would be tough...so in some ways, maybe its better not to...but growing and healing is very important to me...and i cant help but wonder if getting away from where i grew up and my parents would be extremely helpful in the healing process.
many people who know me well often tell me "dee, you need to get away from your parents!!"
maybe they are right?
Posted by onceupon on October 5, 2009, at 23:12:50
In reply to attachment to parents, posted by deerock on October 4, 2009, at 19:49:26
Hi deerock,
I don't know your full situation, but what you wrote reminded me of the "geographic cure" that people with problems with alcohol and drugs talk about. That is, that moving away can sometimes be the only way out of a badly entangled situation. It sounds like you've come to some important realizations about yourself and your family. Being a grad student myself, I know that moving in the middle can be a real pain or a perfect possibility, depending on the nature of your program and the flexibility of your advisor.
What do you imagine it would be like to move away? Could your parents still influence you from miles away? I know mine did - not through physical influence - but through the beliefs they had instilled in me from such a young age, even when I had moved 1000 miles away.
Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2009, at 7:41:03
In reply to attachment to parents, posted by deerock on October 4, 2009, at 19:49:26
I think it's possible to do this without physically moving away. The umbilical cord was pretty tight when I first got married. And truth be told, I stayed close to my family until my father died.
But I did learn ways to improve the boundaries between us, in therapy. And my focus shifted over time. I started looking towards other things, not at them.
I can't say it was any one thing. It was a lot of little things. Like learning that I could tell my parents that if they continued some behavior, I'd have to hang up or leave or whatever. And then doing it. And learning that my father at least wanted to be with me enough that he would refrain from doing those things. I learned to see my parents' view of the world (including me) as my parents' view of the world, and not Truth.
I often thought it would be easier if I moved. And it probably would have been. I'm a very context dependent person. It might help you turn your focus and create those boundaries. I guess it would depend on what you would lose. Your friends, your support system, your therapist, etc.
Of course, wherever you go, there you are. Some things you can leave behind but some things will go with you, and will still need work in therapy.
This is the end of the thread.
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