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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ells on November 12, 2007, at 21:30:01
Hi- I hope someone can help me here... I'm new here, have been doing a lot of reading of the archives and recent subjects concerning crushes on therapists and relationships. I've also ordered the book that was recommended to see if it can help me..
My son is currently in a very intensive out-patient program and I have completely fallen for the therapist who is working 1:1 with him. There is definitely a chemistry, but it has not been actively acknowledged. He's in a relationship and I'm married. But there is something..
When the object of a crush in a therapeutic situation is not my own therapist, but someone who is in a sense fulfilling a sort of fatherly role for my son and hence kind of like what a spouse should be doing, is this still considered a type of transference? My husband is not involved at all w/our kids and this fellow is providing something that my son isn't getting otherwise, and in a sense, like I mentioned above, kind of figuratively fulfilling the role of a father and spouse I am dreading the time when my son will be exiting the program.
How best to address this.. do I let it just pass as if it were a passing crush and let it just play itself out or am I doing harm for my son by harboring these feelings towards his therapist?
Thx.
Posted by Dinah on November 13, 2007, at 13:09:32
In reply to Is this also considered transference?, posted by ells on November 12, 2007, at 21:30:01
Transference. Not just for therapy anymore.
(Sorry, I couldn't resist that commercial quote.)
But I think there's some truth of it. Although they reserve the term for therapy, surely it happens throughout our lives. Otherwise it wouldn't be as helpful in therapy, I would think. We meet someone and fill in the blanks based on our past experiences, or our hopes or needs. I'm not sure infatuation could happen otherwise. :)
You're probably filling in the blanks with this person based on the role he's playing in your life and your son's life.
I don't think feelings ever hurt anyone, as long as we act responsibly. It might hurt your son if you got involved with this man. I would imagine it would hurt a kid if their parent's marriage was hurt by an involvement with someone they cared about. In fact, I know a child who had something like that happen, and it seemed like it had a negative effect. But feelings are your own, and largely involuntary, so how can they be really wrong?
Do you think it's possible to use this moment to evaluate your relationship with your husband? Is there any chance of repairing the relationship? Your feelings for your son's therapist are trying to tell you something, and while it might not always be wise to act on feelings, I'm guessing it can be wise to listen to what they're saying.
Posted by Dinah on November 13, 2007, at 13:10:13
In reply to Is this also considered transference?, posted by ells on November 12, 2007, at 21:30:01
And welcome to Babble. I'm glad you decided to post. :)
Posted by vwoolf on November 13, 2007, at 13:53:06
In reply to Is this also considered transference?, posted by ells on November 12, 2007, at 21:30:01
I think I know what you are talking about, and I know how confusing it is. I do think it is a form of transference, at least that's how it feels to me - it has that sort of dreamlike, irrational, vaguely sexualised quality about it that is difficult to control.
My son has seen several T's over the past few years, and I have invariably felt a heightened attraction towards them, even when I have never met them (as is the case with his current T). A couple of them, when I think back now, were not the kinds of people I would normally find interesting, but because they were "saving" my son, and therefore me, they filled my thoughts and hopes and dreams.
As I said, I have never met his current T, but I sometimes call his answering machine to listen to his voice. It feels crazy, but I suppose I am wishing him to father my son. I am about to begin divorce proceedings from my son's father, and his T feels like the only person who can help him and me through this. I have told my T about this - she seems to find it quite normal.
I have decided that it is in my son's best interests for me to keep away from meeting this man, just as I would want anyone in my family to stay away from my relationship with my T. It is quite painful, but I keep telling myself that I am an adult, and where possible I must try and protect my child.
But it is hard. I don't deny it. I wish I could help more.
Welcome to Babble. I don't post often but I visit here a lot.
Posted by ells on November 13, 2007, at 22:20:08
In reply to Re: Is this also considered transference?, posted by Dinah on November 13, 2007, at 13:09:32
Hi Dinah-
This definitely makes sense-- I think he really does represent everything that is missing in our marriage right now. I'm not sure if it's helping my own personal relationship w/my husband any because it seems to be making me feel more hypercritical of his faults and shortcomings.., but it's definitely given me a lot to think about and a nice place to go and fantasize when I need to..
The good side of this is that it has re-awakened feelings in me (sexuality wise) that I've not had in years and that feels really really really good--definitely reassuring that those feelings can still be experienced. At this point it's kind of fun, and I will just enjoy it and not take it any further at this point, since I would like to have him keep working w/my son for the long term. I will keep my distance and not mess things up.
Thanks for replying!
> You're probably filling in the blanks with this person based on the role he's playing in your life and your son's life.
>> Do you think it's possible to use this moment to evaluate your relationship with your husband? Is there any chance of repairing the relationship? Your feelings for your son's therapist are trying to tell you something, and while it might not always be wise to act on feelings, I'm guessing it can be wise to listen to what they're saying.
Posted by ells on November 13, 2007, at 22:23:07
In reply to Re: Is this also considered transference?, posted by vwoolf on November 13, 2007, at 13:53:06
Just by sharing that what I'm feeling is not necessarily an unnatural feeling and I'm not alone is very reassuring.. Thank you for posting and for your welcome!
> I think I know what you are talking about, and I know how confusing it is. I do think it is a form of transference, at least that's how it feels to me - it has that sort of dreamlike, irrational, vaguely sexualised quality about it that is difficult to control.
>
>
> But it is hard. I don't deny it. I wish I could help more.
>
> Welcome to Babble. I don't post often but I visit here a lot.
This is the end of the thread.
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