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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 19, 2007, at 14:31:09
Sorry I've been so out of things on the board lately. I finally had to admit to myself this week that I'm in the black hole, yet again.
Yesterday's session was difficult. It's hard to express my frustration with my life and hear what sounds like platitudes coming from T. If I just change a few more things, if I just stopped doing... It just wasn't what I needed to hear. It's not that I don't think she has a point, it's the timing. I'm already beating myself up enough -- I don't need her help. I finally told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore because I was just going to end up pissed off at her. She then changed tack a little bit. But it was too little too late.
This is the basic disagreement that we always have when I'm depressed -- she thinks I just need to keep going, trusting that my life is going to be better one day. I think why the h*ll would I do that? I have pretty much changed every single thing about my life in the last 2 years and here I am back in this same place again. I just can't take it -- and certainly not for 30 more years of this bs.
Posted by rskontos on October 19, 2007, at 17:23:47
In reply to Back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on October 19, 2007, at 14:31:09
TherapyGirl, I can understand your frustration because what I usually do when I am depressed doesn't work now for me. Luckily for me my T hasn't suggested anything but agreed with me on taking some meds. She lets me think it out on my own. So far it has worked because I hate it too when someone gives the platitudes thing. Point or not, I am not sure it is timing either. I mean in our heads we know what we should do right we can't because emotionally we can't. I know I need to exercise. But I don't. My head knows I should but I don't. Simple as that. And anyone that tells me just do I might choke. Same with being depressed. My H and son tell me just stop being depressed. I think depression brings a side to us that makes us not trust whats ahead. So it is hard to accept that in time we will be better why will we be better what will change.
I have a new motto. Take each lousy day as a lousy day. Live it as a lousy day. Take baby steps in trying to feel better not big ones. Do one small thing in making me feel better. And so far I am doing somewhat better. I am so sorry you are in the black hole. I just got out somewhat about three days ago. I am not cured by no means but I am taking baby steps to try and put some order in my life. That is all we can do. Take it slow, try our best, and I am glad she changed her tactics once you told her the approach was not working for you. At least she listens. And maybe you have a lot of changes too if you changed every thing in two years that is huge too so go easy on yourself. I think we all beat ourselves us too much. One thing we need to try and do is give ourselves a break. Support each other and ourselves. We are all worth it. So are you TherapyGirl. I hope to see you get out of that black hole. It is a scary place. rk
Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2007, at 21:41:11
In reply to Back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on October 19, 2007, at 14:31:09
My therapist sometimes gets in fixing mode when he gets a bit too invested in my feeling better. Sometimes I tell him that I just need to be able to feel bad for a while, and I need for him to just be with me.
Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, when he does that I'm able to let him in a lot more and sooner or later I'm ready to address the more practical things.
I think it's great that you were able to tell her what you needed and she did respond, even if it was too late for this session. I hope she remembers for next session.
I won't try to fix, or to tell you that things will be better down the road. And I know how horrible it can be to look thirty years down the road. I try to avoid it. Looking one step ahead is all I can manage sometimes, and sometimes not even that. I just need to sit still and feel really bad. And hope that maybe someone's willing to sit with me until I'm ready to get up.
I'll bet your therapist is willing to do that, as mine is, once she pulls herself together and stops being afraid for you or sad for you or wanting better for you. And I'm sure Babble's ready to do it. I don't know if you have pets, but they're great for that.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 20, 2007, at 9:51:33
In reply to Re: Back in the black hole, posted by rskontos on October 19, 2007, at 17:23:47
Thanks so much, RS. You are indeed right about baby steps and I'll try to keep repeating that to myself.
It's almost too hard, you know? I know this will pass, but then it seems I just end up back in this place no matter what I do. But I'll try to stop thinking that and instead try to figure my way out.
It's an awful isolating place, isn't it?
Thanks again for the support.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 20, 2007, at 9:55:31
In reply to Re: Back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2007, at 21:41:11
You are exactly right, Dinah. My T was strongly into fixing mode (and into pointing out all the things I did wrong to get myself to this place). I know she does that to help me remember that I have power and to stay out of victim role, but it really was way too early for her to do that. I did just need her to sit with me. She did it a little at the end -- we'll see what she does next week.
I also think you're right that she is afraid for me when she sees me crash this hard this fast. But I think she missed the smaller warning signs that this was coming. I feel like I've been swinging from thread to thread for months and the last thread finally broke.
I don't have any pets, but I have other people's children who I hang out with. I'll try to schedule in more of that -- they tend to keep me more grounded.
Thanks for the support, Dinah.
Posted by rskontos on October 20, 2007, at 12:55:07
In reply to Re: Back in the black hole » rskontos, posted by TherapyGirl on October 20, 2007, at 9:51:33
Yes TherayGirl is a very isolating but we are hear to always listen when you need not to feel so isolated. I think if you are like me you isolate yourself. Today I really need to do errand, actually for the last 4 days but instead I stay home. I am alone today as my H and son went to a football game. Thank God they didn't expect me to go. I can't stand crowds and over noisy fans do me in. The last game I went to I kept switching to my anger kid. Anyway, you are so welcome for the support. I have come to depend on my Babble support. You guys help me with my baby steps and to pull myself out of the hole the last time. I know that I will fall back in when the lexapro stops working or something happens or if I stub my toe I don't know but with support I will crawl back out. You will too and we will always be here with understanding and support and just to say Hi and we care. That is why I crave and I think that is what you need to. Don't look at the big picture, just the small one and like Scarlett says, I think about that tomorrow. Just let moment to moment if you have too until it is better. Sometimes that works for me. Take care TherapyGirl and we are here..rk
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 22, 2007, at 6:39:10
In reply to Back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on October 19, 2007, at 14:31:09
I was up all night, except for two short naps between 4-ish and 6 this morning. I can't stand this. I haven't felt this kind of anxiety for 11 years. That was the year I was hospitalized twice. And there's no real reason for it that I can figure out.
Bad, bad place. I called my T at 3:30 and again about 6:30. I asked her to call me with the second message, but she doesn't work Mondays and I don't know if she'll check her voice mail.
Do any of you think it would be okay for me to call her at home? I can't face another night like last night.
Posted by Daisym on October 22, 2007, at 22:51:14
In reply to Re: Back in the black hole -- now anxiety too, posted by TherapyGirl on October 22, 2007, at 6:39:10
I hope you did get hold of your therapist. I know how hard those bad nights can be and they stay with you...Do you know what the anxiety is about?
I've been feeling that way a lot myself. I think, for me, it is about getting too far from my safe base for too long. It is scary out here in the world. It helped me to have more connections with my therapist - a few phone calls and lots of writing to him.
Have you found anything that works? When all else fails, I say take the sleeping meds!
Let me know how you are. I'm sending you good thoughts.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 23, 2007, at 6:46:30
In reply to Re: Back in the black hole -- now anxiety too » TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on October 22, 2007, at 22:51:14
Thanks, Daisy.
I don't really know why this is happening. Stuff is going on, but not more than usual. My T thinks that somehow I'm having extreme PMS which is pushing me over the edge (and is probably related to my ongoing gyn. issues). She may be right -- I started my period this morning.
I did manage to connect with my T late yesterday afternoon and she was helpful. She even offered me an extra session today, which she never does. She always waits for me to ask and then the answer is usually no. We decided to check in by phone today first and then decide if a session would be helpful.
I had a beer as soon as I got home last night, which helped the nausea. Flexeril and benadryl took care of the pounding heart at bedtime and I slept well last night. So I called T this morning and told her I was back to "just" the depression and thought we could forego today's phone call.
I really, really hate this place (not Babble -- this emotional black hole). Thanks so much for your support.
This is the end of the thread.
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