![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 31, 2006, at 9:49:39
The hardest words for me to hear?
"You were abused"
"You grew up in an abusive household"
"Your family was abusive"
"This is very typical for people with a history of abuse"
"Your father probably didn't understand that he was being abusive"
"You are starting to understand the effects of abuse"
"You were abused"
"child abuse"
"You were abused"
"You survived abuse"
"You were abused"
I resist with all my strength. Everytime I hear the word. I react in my gut. Aversion, abhorrence, repugnance.
Am I reacting to the abstract notion that humans abuse each other?
Am I reacting to an outsider's accusal of a "loved one"?
Am I reacting to the injustice of how someone treated ME?
Am I reacting because abuse-survivor is not part of my self-concept?
yes, yes, yes. yes.1. It is a terrible truth that humans intentionally and unintentionally hurt each other, even when the other person is helpless.
2. It is possible for an outsider, like a therapist, or my husband, to understand my family better than I understand them. They were never brainwashed, as I was.
3. They hurt me. It was intentional, and unintentional. It was chronic, and unpredictable. It was intense at times, and barely noticeable at other times. They hurt the physical, spiritual, emotional, mental and sexual aspects of my self. It happened when I was too young to understand, and it happened when I was too dependent to run away. It happened when I was too underdeveloped to understand, and it happened when I was too brainwashed to understand. They continue to hurt me as long as they are allowed access to my self. When I stop hurting me, they will stop hurting me. Until then, I am abused.
4. I cannot understand it if I cannot feel it. I cannot feel it unless I admit that it happened. I cannot admit that it happened unless I have a memory of the past that I can feel. (loop) A large part of my motivation comes from an unconscious will to escape abuse. Some of the things I've accomplished with that motivation are admirable, some of the things I've done are not worth mentioning. My history belongs to my self. The good parts, the bad parts, and everything in between. Karma: the universal law of cause and effect. Their actions ON me are internalized IN me, but those actions are NOT me. They affect me, but they are NOT me.
Posted by Daisym on October 31, 2006, at 10:30:19
In reply to I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**), posted by Lindenblüte on October 31, 2006, at 9:49:39
A very powerful post.
I don't hate the word abuse. I hate the word survivor. I hate the word incest. I hate the word molest. And I hate the word victim.
"You were a victim of incest but now you are a survivor." Really? What part of my self "survived?" It all feels broken.
We've spent more than a few sessions on the words to use when talking about all of this. My therapist will say "your history" if we are talking in general terms. He gets very, very specific when we are processing a memory. He wants me to feel. He wants to demonstrate those feelings. I've seen him angry, sad, with tears and I've seen him horrified. But he leaves room for me to backoff if I need to.
Words are powerful ways to hold yourself apart from events. They are symbolic representations. I think it is important to allow yourself the words that really tell what happened. After telling about a particular incident, I looked up at my therapist and said (out loud) "This was rape, wasn't it?" He very quietly said, "yes." I could only nod, but I needed to know. Because the word rape conveyed more helplessness and terror than the word incest did for me at that moment.
It is OK to hate the words. But eventually, it will also be OK to hate the acts.
keep writing...
Posted by frida on October 31, 2006, at 11:05:37
In reply to Re: I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**) » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on October 31, 2006, at 10:30:19
So powerful to read this...I'm in tears.
I'm scared of the same words..and can't even say one of them...hear them just makes my heart race and I'm filled with shame
thank you for sharing these two posts...
they help...sending support to both of you,
Frida
Posted by bent on October 31, 2006, at 11:33:22
In reply to I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**), posted by Lindenblüte on October 31, 2006, at 9:49:39
There are words and phrases like these that I hate too. Like Incest, I just call it the I-word. And survivor and victim. I dont want to be these words. I dont want any of these words to define me. I feel like I could drown in these words.
Can you guys say (actually speaking, like to a T) what happened in a general way? Like, "I was abused."
Or more specifically, "I was _______________." Fill in the blank: sexually abused, victimized, etc, etc.
I cant say it. I cant even write it in the context of myself. I feel that this might be a pivitol day in my therapy but I cant say it.Li, what a tough post, but it shows your strength. It got me thinking about things I try to forget. We know they are never really forgotten.
Posted by Racer on October 31, 2006, at 12:36:23
In reply to Re: I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**), posted by bent on October 31, 2006, at 11:33:22
Maybe because I'm at a different place in therapy, or because my psychopathology is different, or because my history is different, I have trouble with slightly different things...
The biggest trouble I have is when someone says that my mother was abusive, or that she was cruel (which my T has said, using that word), or in any way suggests that she was not a good enough mother. That's what I react most strongly to. I'm more defensive of my mother than of myself -- I was the world's worst child, but my mother tried her best. I suspect that's something we have to work on one day. In the far future... And if we never get to it, that's probably OK, too.
But I also react when people talk about me "surviving abuse." "Oh, you've been through so much! Look how strong you are to have survived all that!" And I hate telling my history, because it makes me sound so pathetic. I have such a strong need to say, "No, things happened, sure, but it was mostly pretty normal..." No matter how many times I'm told that it wasn't normal, and that it wasn't right, I still can't get it into my self-concept.
Actually, that's not true. Sometimes it does hit up against me, as reality -- that's when I find myself thinking suicide is the best choice, though, so maybe denial ain't such a bad thing?
I wish psychiatric or psychological histories had a place in them for asking about accomplishments. I want to have a place where I can say, "I wrote a paper about science education that was accepted after peer review." "I taught adult ed and my students all did well and emerged from the class with confidence in their abilities." "I learned on my own to take computers apart and put them back together -- without too many parts left over." "I can knit." "I've read "The Mysteries Of Udolpho" -- and it wasn't assigned for a class." A place to tell the things that make me into a real person, and not just a cringing mass of psychopathological features and symptoms.
I hate it when someone says something about how I've "survived so much," or anything that implies I'm anything other than what I feel as though I need to be: Perfect. I know that need to be perfect is part of my troubles. I know that it's a way to distance myself from everyone, to push people back from me. But I still can't stand to have someone say that I've been a victim, because it makes me feel so vulnerable, somehow.
So, Li, I guess that qualifies you to join our little club. Someone will teach you the secret handshake later. I'm sorry you qualify, but your presence makes me feel safer. If you qualify, then it's not so bad that I do, too.
Posted by sunnydays on October 31, 2006, at 13:15:57
In reply to I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**), posted by Lindenblüte on October 31, 2006, at 9:49:39
I used to hate that word... I would absolutely cringe and feel humiliated that anyone would think *I*, who always thought I could be perfect, was abused. But my therapist has said it so many times, that I no longer cringe. But I still hate the word survivor, and victim, and....abuse. Because now saying I was abused isn't humiliating, but it makes me feel so broken. And I know I'm working towards becoming whole, but still, right now, I just feel broken, broken, broken.
I once wrote a poem, when I was in high school (only a couple years ago) that started something like this -- (I don't have the original here right now, so I can't put the whole thing)
"My life has gone to pieces,
Shattered on the floor,
My hands, like clubs, can't pick up,
The pieces anymore..."And now someone's finally helping me pick up the pieces. Someone's helping you pick up the pieces too. ((((((Li)))))) I'm sorry. For all of us who were....well.... that a-word.....
sunnydays
Posted by ElaineM on October 31, 2006, at 13:35:45
In reply to Re: I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**) » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on October 31, 2006, at 10:30:19
That was a really intense post Li. I think I can understand a little. I've always felt embarassed of my word aversions. I can't even type some of them out (but Daisy and Bent listed perhaps my hugest one). I even use the same "_ - word" replacement if I ever have to refer to the subject. Though I tend to make sure that I don't. [Bent, I really felt less alone to hear that you think of the word that way too] But I definately find it difficult to hear and use the word "abuse" (like others who have posted) when it's connected to me - or my sister, oddly enough. It seems alright when applied to anyone else. Maybe I think the word implies some sort justification that I don't think I merit. I'm not sure. Justification might be the wrong word too, I can't get my mind to think better.
One other word that I can't stand is "beat". I kinda even just shivered typing it. It just makes my head go fuzzy-blank -- a vacuum-like feeling. Once T said, "...mercilessly b-ing you..." and I told him to stop it. Though I also have a hard time tolerating this word in any context. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I always wonder if they'll ever just be regular words for me, at some point. I wonder if the feeling towards them fades. I've found it hard to even read some of them in texts from school. I'd feel like certain parts were written about me specifically, and get all nervous that someone had found stuff out and wrote a book. WHen we'd be reading along I'd feel like I wanted to look over my shoulder to see if anyone was staring at me or something. I can't understand how there are some difficult words that apply to me, that don't bother as much (even if I have very strong feelings about the acts themselves, "self-mutilation" for one), and then others that I can't even write out.
I'm glad you brought it up.
blove, EL
Posted by wacky on November 1, 2006, at 15:40:14
In reply to Re: I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**), posted by ElaineM on October 31, 2006, at 13:35:45
Wow. This is truly tough stuff. And I admire everyone's strength to share. I really understand the T wanting to see expressions of emotions that don't exist. I've spent many years working on feeling a feeling. But I had to be taught HOW to feel a feeling. I was so terrified of feeling bad that I had NO feeling at all. I didn't know that I was unconsciously pushing it away. And by noticing my own reaction to - for instance - a word that's hard to say, little by little I've been able to notice my gut, my heart race, my mouth go dry, my eyes look to the floor, etc. And the first step is just to notice your body. And then check it out in your body - your gut, your heart rate, your breathing and just notice it without judging it, without stopping it. At least that's how I got started. During my first couple of years in therapy, no one explained that to me - so I was clueless how to go about feeling a feeling.
WE are all to be commended for having the courage to look at it in the first place.
The words are triggers for such intense feeling that we avoid the words. I still do but for the most part, I'm able to feel my gut (which is where I notice my feelings occur the most).
Hope any of this rambling post helps even a little.
n
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 1, 2006, at 16:15:30
In reply to Re: I can't stand that word. (**abuse triggers**), posted by wacky on November 1, 2006, at 15:40:14
> Wow. This is truly tough stuff. And I admire everyone's strength to share. I really understand the T wanting to see expressions of emotions that don't exist. I've spent many years working on feeling a feeling. But I had to be taught HOW to feel a feeling. I was so terrified of feeling bad that I had NO feeling at all.
Hey Wacky-- that's exactly what I spent the last 4 months doing with my oldT.!!
I didn't know that I was unconsciously pushing it away. And by noticing my own reaction to - for instance - a word that's hard to say, little by little I've been able to notice my gut, my heart race, my mouth go dry, my eyes look to the floor, etc. And the first step is just to notice your body. And then check it out in your body - your gut, your heart rate, your breathing and just notice it without judging it, without stopping it.
Yeah- the body knows. It just doesn't have the words to tell you why. I knew there was a reason why I had medium-to-intense panic everytime I saw oldT, or PT, or pdoc. I just couldn't figure out WHY. I think a lot of people feel this way, certainly don't need to experience abuse or what not to have major problems experiencing or communicating emotions.
At least that's how I got started. During my first couple of years in therapy, no one explained that to me - so I was clueless how to go about feeling a feeling.
>
> WE are all to be commended for having the courage to look at it in the first place.yeah. GO US. and the ones who will read this stuff, and maybe they give a second thought to their own experience. The ones who aren't ready just yet. When you're ready, you'll know.
> The words are triggers for such intense feeling that we avoid the words. I still do but for the most part, I'm able to feel my gut (which is where I notice my feelings occur the most).
yes. sounds like a good plan. my gut is well- developed. um. yeah. so I have a lot to work with.
> Hope any of this rambling post helps even a little.
>helped me a LOT. thanks so much wacky. I feel like a moron much of the time. and these last 6 weeks, I've felt like I've made a lot of anti-progress. I switched T's and meds completely, and I'm still trying to get stabilized on my new routine. to feel grounded enough to get working again. I think I'm ready, though. If I can post this stuff with a sincere heart, I think I'm telling myself that I'm ready to take the next step, however miniscule that may be.
hugs all,
-Li
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.