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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bent on October 27, 2006, at 10:55:04
So my T cancelled two weeks in a row. I am not mad now because I know why and I understand. She needs to be with her family and friends and not at work. I am 100 percent sure that i am not mad at that. One was a distant friend and the other a mother in-law.
I am thinking I am just a selfish pig for sitting here planning not to return to my therapy at least for several weeks. I have the audacity to sit here and feel sad because my T does in fact have a life and things like deaths happen to her too. She too is probably sad right now but for a much better reason than me. No one died in my life. I have the nerve to sit here and think about when my grandmother died and how the only person I could not be around, could not show emotion around, or be comforted by was my mother. But I envision my T and her daughters getting one another through this time. Of course I don’t totally know this, but I know they are close, but everyone deals with grief their own way. I must be a total slug to be envious of the support and comforting my T will be giving/receiving.
I just want a break right now. How in the world can I go back to therapy next week and tell her anything like this. I don’t want to tell her this stuff. Even if I do go to my appointment next week, none of this will come up. She’s only taking off work for two days and I can’t show up and jump into my problems. I don’t like myself for feeling this way.
Posted by Racer on October 27, 2006, at 12:44:53
In reply to Two deaths this week for my T, posted by bent on October 27, 2006, at 10:55:04
There is no heirarchy of suffering.
Truly -- there is no heirarchy of suffering. That someone else suffered a permanent loss does not diminish the suffering I may feel over a temporary absence. And I'm allowed to hurt just as much for my temporary loss.
>
> I am thinking I am just a selfish pig for sitting here planning not to return to my therapy at least for several weeks. I have the audacity to sit here and feel sad because my T does in fact have a life ...How about "I feel sad," and leave it at that? You don't have to do the "I must be a terrible person for feeling sad" part, too. The two do not follow. It's OK to be sad.
>She too is probably sad right now but for a much better reason than me.
No, you have a legitimate reason to be sad. And you don't need a legitimate reason to be sad, anyway -- emotions just *are.* Difficult as that is for me to get my mind around, I've been told that so many times by people I trust that it's starting to sink in. If you feel sad, then you have a legitimate reason to feel sad -- and you don't have to be able to explain it to anyone else for it to be legitimate.
So, another phrase to repeat with me: "Emotions just are."
>No one died in my life. I have the nerve to sit here and think about when my grandmother died and how the only person I could not be around, could not show emotion around, or be comforted by was my mother. But I envision my T and her daughters getting one another through this time. I must be a total slug to be envious of the support and comforting my T will be giving/receiving.
That's grief. Did you recognize that? You're experiencing grief that's just as real, just as painful, as what your T must be experiencing right now. Her grief is probably easier, in many ways, to bear than yours is. You're grieving for all that you didn't get, all the psychic injuries you've suffered. Those are particularly painful, and they're harder in that you have them in part because no one helped you learn to grieve. Now you're trying to learn to deal with that grief that you've had bottled up all this time.
You know what? I think this would be a great subject for therapy. "T, I've been struggling, because I kinda envy you in your time of loss, to have people to comfort and be comforted by. I'm hurting a lot, because I never had that. And I feel terrible for feeling this way." I think it would be very valuable, and I hope I would be able to take advantage of it if I were in your shoes. (That's my way of saying I know it's harder than that makes it sound. I'm not sure I'd be able to say anything about it in your situation, but I hope I'd be able to take advantage of that opportunity.)
> I don’t like myself for feeling this way.
>But again -- emotions just are. They're not something to be ashamed of, they're something to understand, to learn to process, to become comfortable with. There is no rule book that says, "In situation A, you must feel X." Whatever you feel is legitimate.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can accept yourself. If it helps, we accept you here. Just exactly the way you are.
Posted by Daisym on October 27, 2006, at 13:42:35
In reply to Repeat after me: » bent, posted by Racer on October 27, 2006, at 12:44:53
I'm trying to repeat after you but it is so HARD.
I've been thinking for the last 24 hours that I need to take a therapy break. It was startling to read this thread because it feels almost like someone picked up my journal pages and put them here.
Bent -- I feel the same way you do. I don't like this part of me so I want to protect my therapist from it and I want to extinguish the envy and longing within myself. I'm not usually the kind of person who sobs "this isn't fair!" The only way to handle these emotions is to not be around the person who calls that out in me.
But even though I feel this way, to you I want to say: "Go to your appointment and tell her how you feel. It is actually a great compliment to her that you miss her and worry about her."
Posted by annierose on October 27, 2006, at 16:20:47
In reply to Re: Repeat after me:, posted by Daisym on October 27, 2006, at 13:42:35
This is what keeps me from taking therapy breaks: (and it's not a great theraputic reason) ---
If you decided to take a break from therapy, all your wonderful appointment times that you finally got just the way you want them so that they fit into your life may not be there when you decide to return. That scares the heck out of me.
I think in order to lessen the pain of the relationship, we need to keep talking and talking about it. After a while, it does get repetitive and "boring" - that is for sure.
Bent - I would have similar feelings -- feeling bad to talk about "my stuff" when clearly she is dealing with important stuff of her own. I remind myself that even when I am dealing with "my stuff" while at my job, it is often helpful to help others and distract myself from my internal angst. She is okay with it. But you can acknowledge her pain and tell her, "I'm sorry for the loss you have experienced. I'm sad for you." --- or whatever words come to your mind. You can even write her a note or mail a sympathy card.
You are not alone in feeling this way. Don't be hard on yourself. (((((((((bent))))))))))
Posted by bent on October 31, 2006, at 11:38:20
In reply to Repeat after me: » bent, posted by Racer on October 27, 2006, at 12:44:53
Thanks Racer. Your post made my feelings feel valid even in a situation like this. And I guess in a way I am grieving too. I am really scared about keeping my appt this week. I dont know what to say. Our sessions have been so disjointed for several weeks and yet everytime we talk about something else, never continuing with the previous. And now I just dont know what to talk about. I feel so overwhelmed.
Posted by bent on October 31, 2006, at 11:41:25
In reply to Re: Repeat after me:, posted by Daisym on October 27, 2006, at 13:42:35
Thanks Daisy. I am feeling scared about what to say. It would be easier to run away. I wish I could call her and tell her I am having a hard time with this, that I want to run but I wont. I think I'd feel better if she just knew what I was coming to my appt with. I hope you are feeling better.
Posted by bent on October 31, 2006, at 11:42:45
In reply to Re: Just remember .., posted by annierose on October 27, 2006, at 16:20:47
you gave me a lot of different points to think about. thanks.
This is the end of the thread.
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