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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 23:03:16
I don't feel especially depressed today, but I feel really lonely. and bored. and definitely anxious. make that ANXiOuS.
I mentioned the fact that I bite my cuticles to T, and he said we'd do som CBT stuff in a few weeks, when I started feeling better (i.e. when I was functional, communicative, had a memory span longer than 3 seconds)
Well. I think the time has arrived. I feel less cognitive impairment from my depression. pdoc said that the cymbalta would be good for anxiety, but I need some help.
I've been picking. using all kinds of tools. I've got 8 bleeders, and every finger is raw. and I scratched up the inside of my arm again. this is different than a suicidal feeling. This is a need to feel something? I don't know. Maybe it's a request for attention. It's misplaced though. I did try calling people to feel less lonely. A few of the people I talked to were kind of stressing me out. I went to look at cat websites
http://www.stuffonmycat.com/?&blogid=1
and that was fun for a while, but there are lots o sharp things in my place, and they are fun too, or at least they cause a happy calm feeling. A little pain, but then... something not pain. something else. I should learn more about nociception.
I'm so gross. I've done the hangnail picking thing, but never like this before. and I've never self-injured until... last week (unless you call binge-drinking self-injury. I guess a case can be made for that)
Well, T says I need something else to do with my hands. I was kind of joking, and I said "like smoking" (He knows I'm not a smoker) "No, although ... smoking is kind of similar..."
So, should I take up smoking? (only half-joking)
no I won't take up smoking. it's stinky and expensive.
but something. anything. I have to face the world tomorrow with my mauled hands. I can't wear gloves. it's not like my arm, which can wear band-aids and long sleeves.
sorry I'm rambling. I'm trying to keep my fingers busy. tap tap tap tap.
-ll
Posted by muffled on June 4, 2006, at 23:27:25
In reply to self-injury trigger. anxiety, posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 23:03:16
Tap, tap, tap away !
Can you maybe bake cookies or something for a homeless shelter?
Or shred kleenex?
Or take up beading?
Or knit?
Aggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Something more lifegiving perhaps than having to try and hide your nails........thats a tough one.
People notice my scars, sucks. But mostly i can ignore it now.
Maybe you could tell people you have a fungal infection in your nails?
Nice to 'see' you.
I take xanax or clonazapam for anxiety, they both work very well.
Muffled
Posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 23:38:52
In reply to Re: self-injury trigger. anxiety » llrrrpp, posted by muffled on June 4, 2006, at 23:27:25
muffled
i'm so tired of me
i'm going to put me to bed now
i'm lonely
maybe i'll find a friend in my dreams(sniff)
-ll
Posted by pegasus on June 5, 2006, at 9:39:20
In reply to self-injury trigger. anxiety, posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 23:03:16
Hi llrrrpp,
I wish I knew what to tell you that would be really helpful. I don't think I do. But what I want to tell you is that I feel a connection with your struggle. I also harm myself in various ways, and struggle with the after effects, and the temptations, etc. I don't love that I do that, but I am actually sometimes glad that I have something to do when I get so overwhelmed. It's better than not having *any* way to cope, I think. I'm working on learning more helpful ways to cope. It does seem to be possible. But I find that it involves learning to forgive myself when I regress back to old ways. Not easy, but I want you to know that it can get better for you. You're doing the right things: posting here, doing therapy.
peg
Posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 12:40:31
In reply to lonely, mostly » muffled, posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 23:38:52
Lonely IRL is the hardest thing. Ever since I divorced after 18 years of marriage and had the wrenching seperation from the ex-spouse's family and our joint so-called friends, I have suffered.
Even though I remarried (and happily) I can't eliminate the spectre of knowing that connections that I form through my marriage are transient and fragile, at best. Step children, business acquaintances. No casual friends, I really don't understand those at all! Maybe the smallest of talk at the grocery store. No content. No continuity. No wonder I had panic attacks trying to go shopping - it makes me feel so very alone.
That's why I post so much here. I've made it an extension of RL, purposefully, and it's become friendship IRL, much to my surprise.
Lean on us, post and post and post if it helps you.
CS
Posted by llrrrpp on June 5, 2006, at 12:58:54
In reply to Re: lonely, mostly » llrrrpp, posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 12:40:31
Thanks guys,
I feel lonely, and then I feel guilty, because the lonely is my fault for isolating me.we want people to be able to read our minds, to know when we need them to call. To know when we want a hug, or a cup of hot cocoa. But sometimes we have to ask for it, or demand it. And that's what I struggle with.
I live alone a lot, since my husband is away so much. We talk on the phone a lot, but sometimes it just reinforces the distance, and I withdraw from that.
I regret that I don't keep in touch better with friends from bygones. Mostly I miss them when I am feeling sad and mopey, but by that point, I don't really feel up to calling them anymore. Who want's to talk to a grumpymuffin? Who want's to hear me complain and whine?
oh well. Today's okay.
-ll
Posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 13:45:23
In reply to Re: lonely, mostly peg,CS » ClearSkies, posted by llrrrpp on June 5, 2006, at 12:58:54
...listens to whatever is the Blue Plate Special for the day. Good or bad, it's there to be appreciated and listened to.
That's what babble does for me. Has done for me. Continues to do for me. This is my network for searching out and finding those who understand how I feel and what I am going through on any given day. No answers, no solutions, but understanding and acceptance - and that brings peace. that's what we offer here (I know that I do).CS
Posted by fairywings on June 5, 2006, at 13:48:54
In reply to Re: lonely, mostly peg,CS » ClearSkies, posted by llrrrpp on June 5, 2006, at 12:58:54
I get lonely too....and it's also from isolating...I know what you mean. I was thinking the other day....I don't even have one of those "emergency contacts" they ask you for on every form you ever fill out.
Does your T try to get you not to isolate? It's one of those "hard" subjects. How long have you been isolating?
I'd be your friend llrrpp
fw
Posted by fallsfall on June 5, 2006, at 19:25:14
In reply to self-injury trigger. anxiety, posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 23:03:16
I was able to reduce my picking by seeing it as a symptom of distress. Then I would try to figure out why I was distressed, and tried to talk about it. When I could talk about it, I didn't need to pick so much. Sometimes, journalling would help me figure out what was distressing me, sometimes therapy helped, sometimes talking to a friend. It took a while (a year?) to figure out how to talk about what was distressing to me, but when I could finally do that I didn't need to pick.
I always carry a bottle of water with me. I started doing this because my meds gave me dry mouth. But I found that the water bottle was a great fiddle toy. And you can take it anywhere. If I start to get anxious, I play with the bottle. I think it helps to keep my hands busy, so I'm not so tempted to pick.
I also keep a rabbit's foot in my pocket (and usually won't buy a skirt or pair of pants if they don't have pockets). Then when I need some comfort, I can just stick my hand in my pocket and no one knows that I have a soft, comforting rabbit's foot in there.
The real solution, though, is to figure out why you are distressed.
(((llrrrpp)))
Posted by llrrrpp on June 5, 2006, at 19:54:15
In reply to Re: self-injury trigger. anxiety » llrrrpp, posted by fallsfall on June 5, 2006, at 19:25:14
water bottle I can do. A healthy habit, very good for summer months
I notice that I don't pick at myself when I'm in therapy, usually because I have a cup of tea, and I'm fiddling with the paper tag on the teabag.
Rabbitsfoot. not for me.
I will find another sort of knickknack. I also wear pockets about 90% of the time.and I'm starting to figure out the distress. there are many kinds. many flavors. I haven't even tasted all of them apparently. T says I'm experiencing long lost distresses that are only just now coming to light, because I've been fighting them so hard, and I finally am feeling safe enough to feel them. It's exhausting, though. The brain is a busy place. A very confused midieval city. full of stench and wonders.
hugs to you ((((((Falls)))))) I hope everything is going okay with you and yours.
-ll
Posted by fairywings on June 5, 2006, at 21:24:51
In reply to Re: self-injury trigger. anxiety Â, posted by llrrrpp on June 5, 2006, at 19:54:15
> water bottle I can do. A healthy habit, very good for summer months
I do this too...I don't drink the water in therapy but I play with the cap like crazy.
> Rabbitsfoot. not for me.
> I will find another sort of knickknack. I also wear pockets about 90% of the time.Our daughter gave my husband a small rock shaped like a heart. She found it on the beach in MI when we were on vacation 7 years ago - she was 6 years old. It's really beautiful, and it's so touching that he's carried it with him in his pocket every day for 7 years! It no longer has any roughness to it - it's soft and smooth. I would bet he'll carry it with him every day for the rest of his life. ; )
fw
Posted by pegasus on June 6, 2006, at 8:37:11
In reply to Re: self-injury trigger. anxiety Â, posted by llrrrpp on June 5, 2006, at 19:54:15
<The brain is a busy place. A very confused midieval city. full of stench and wonders.>
Ain't that the truth. The more I get to understanding what's going on in mine, the more confused I often get. I keep thinking there's a way to fully understand my mind, but most of the time, I can't even see what it's doing.
And I agree with everyone else that babble is a good place to start feeling less alone. There are always lots of people here, and usually someone who understands. My T would say that it's not a substitute for actually working on my isolation IRL, but I think it's a good step in the right direction. Sometimes when I can't imagine talking to anyone in person, I can find some understanding and caring here at babble, and that feels like a really good thing.
much luck to you
peg
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