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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by curtm on May 1, 2006, at 11:38:44
The most selfish thing I could ever do would be to commit suicide. Why? Because I would never be able to help someone else. Just being able to help someone in life, makes it worth living. I might be able to make a difference in their life. Pass it on...
Posted by bassman on May 1, 2006, at 15:44:07
In reply to Addressing suicide, posted by curtm on May 1, 2006, at 11:38:44
And don't forget all the people, more than you could guess, that would be hurt by your death-many for a lifetime. Stick around and suffer with the rest of us. :>}
Seriously, good point.
Posted by B2chica on May 2, 2006, at 9:07:34
In reply to Addressing suicide, posted by curtm on May 1, 2006, at 11:38:44
i'll try to remember that in months to come...thanks.
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on May 2, 2006, at 20:37:59
In reply to Addressing suicide, posted by curtm on May 1, 2006, at 11:38:44
Curt,
This was really a cool post....you're always so hard on yourself. I think there's a softie under there somewhere? Well, maybe not a softie....but you know.....
fw
Posted by Declan on May 5, 2006, at 0:52:16
In reply to Addressing suicide, posted by curtm on May 1, 2006, at 11:38:44
The people who were really convinced suicide was the best option aren't here to argue their case; not that they'd want to be bothered, I imagine.
Posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 6:48:44
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide » curtm, posted by Declan on May 5, 2006, at 0:52:16
Hi. I'm one of those suicidal people. I am married with three children and would never want to hurt them, but one of the things that pushes me toward the thought of suicide is the thought that I am hurting them now. I'm one of those weird women that would actually like to be a "Stepford wife." I want to do everything for my family, my husband, my children. This would make me happy even though my T says I wouldn't be taking care of my own needs. They are my needs. I've suffered with depression for the last 6 years and a breakdown in Jan.of this year and since became worse and found out I was bipolar. I have not been able to be the wife and mother that I long to be, just a piece of crap fill in that is called mom. Nothing, and I do mean nothing brings me pleasure in life and I don't want my children to be affected by this and have their whole life screwed up as mine was by a dysfunctional family. The stress and guilt I occur because of this makes me feel that they would be better off if I was gone. I am financially putting my family in the hole over this whole illness and I see no stop to it. If I was gone, and my death looked like an accident, all of our bills would be paid which would take that stress off of my husband and children. My husband is a handsome man and any woman would love to have him, especially with his house and all of his bills paid. Before long my children would have a new "sane" mommy to love and care for them and then they could be happy. Time would heal their wounds and they would be happier and better off without me. As for my parents, I get alot of this illness from them since it's known to be inherited and I'm sure they expect it. My mother never thought that when she married a "crazy" and I do mean certifiable man that she would pass this on to me. They say to be selective about your mates and they really do mean it. I've been hospitalized twice for my suicidal thoughts. First time in January, second was just this past week. It didn't help. Only made me worse. The meds and the therapy don't help. What else is there? Nothing I tell you. It has to stop somewhere. How can any of my family be happy with me around to rain on their parade? I've sat outside during tornado warnings and electrical storms tempting God to take me. As for going to hell for suicide? Hell is here on earth. I've been living in it for years. Bring it on.
Posted by bassman on May 9, 2006, at 7:24:56
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide » Declan, posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 6:48:44
Depression makes the whole world black and lifeless and leaves you without the energy to do anything useful. Your e-mail is very touching-your desire to selflessly help your family is so unique. Most of us greedy, materialistic, self-centered human beings live for ourselves without any thought or feeling as to how we may be affecting others lives.
You know better than your T what you want in life; we all know what is best if we can gain knowledge of it-and if we can't, no one can.
Ah that life were so easy that you could be like a lightbulb, getting a bit dim?-well, just replace you with a new light bulb. No, it doesn't work that way. I'm sure others will give you support and reasons for living as well. This morning's newspaper brought the unexpected death of a local woman-and the grieving and hurt that brings to SO many people. People that knew her will be affected for a lifetime by her death. The same would be true of you, althought it may be hard to believe right now. Do you really want to do something for your husband and kids? Continue to do everything within your power to get well. When you finally are successful, what a lesson in courage for your children and those around you! I know about Hell here on earth, too, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Try to have faith that things will get better, even though right now, that faith seems so unwarranted. Best of luck and keep posting.
bassman
Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2006, at 9:27:33
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide » Declan, posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 6:48:44
CEK
your post makes me feel almost not alone.
i have MANY times thought of ways to spare my family my wavering tortured emotions, ended up in the hospital a couple times also. though it seemed to help temporarily...i keep ending up in the same place. here, alone, in the darkness with only the pain to keep me company. oh that wretched ache that consumes my soul, leaving nothing for those i love.
as for hell on earth. yes. and i have the same attitude...'bring it on'.
but you know what, it's a little fiesty to say that. that's good. that means you have some fight left in you, maybe use for yourself??now, after that said i must tell you that the children may have a depressed mommy, but they have a mommy nontheless. one to comfort them, one they can run to after school and tell about the special drawing they did, or a kid that picked on them looking for comfort from their one and only 'mommy'. taking this away from them would be devistating for them (as i'm sure you know). for years they will ask themselves what they did to 'chase you away'.
your family may not be having the time of their lives 24/7, but when we get married, none of us sign up for that type of disbelief. in fact, it is trudging through the darkness together that makes a family strong.you said that you would like to be a 'stepford wife'. that sounds like a pretty good goal. keep striving for that. ya, maybe your T's right and you wouldn't be taking care of your own needs. but for me, sometimes it's a lot less painless to worry about someone else's needs instead of my own, especially when reaching a crisis. BTW, does your T know aabout your feelings that you've expressed here? if not, please consider telling him/her.
you say med didn't help, how many have you tried? do you have a pdoc or is a GP helping you out here.b2c
Posted by Dinah on May 9, 2006, at 9:31:20
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide » Declan, posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 6:48:44
I've had the same thoughts so many times. That if I were out of the way my husband could find a "real" wife, and my son could have a "real" husband.
There's a part of me that knows that a nice extroverted happy mom wouldn't understand my son one bit. A lot of his teachers don't.
But I sometimes shout that part down.
Posted by Dinah on May 9, 2006, at 9:36:52
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide » CEK, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2006, at 9:31:20
I'm sorry. I meant my son could have a real mother.
Thank God I didn't say "wife". Then I'd have to spend another eleven years in therapy.
Posted by bassman on May 9, 2006, at 9:48:34
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2006, at 9:36:52
That's funny.:>} Freud is still with us...
Posted by curtm on May 9, 2006, at 10:09:20
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide » Declan, posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 6:48:44
>>The stress and guilt I occur because of this makes me feel that they would be better off if I was gone.
** They would not be better off without you. They love you more than you probably think. Without you, who would they love? Nobody can take your place.
>> If I was gone, and my death looked like an accident, all of our bills would be paid which would take that stress off of my husband and children.
** I have wondered the same thing...about the "accident." I clear those thoughts with mental pictures of my family.
>> Time would heal their wounds and they would be happier and better off without me.
** That is a selfish statement (sorry.) Their wounds would never heal. They may try to hide them on the outside as we do, but they still eat at the inside.
** That goes for everyone. NOBODY is replaceable!
Posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 12:24:53
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide » CEK, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2006, at 9:27:33
I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist both and they both know how I feel. That's why even though my pdoc doesn't like benzos he put me on Klonopin. He said that I've suffered long enough and needed something for some more immediate relief. I've dealt with the depression for six years seeing a GP being given Effexor (which I was on for 6years off and on) paxil, lexapro, celexa, wellbutrin, zoloft and prozac. I had my breakdown in Jan. this year and since then started seeing a pdoc and therapist. I was hospitalized on Jan31-Feb6 and once again on April 29-May 5 for my suicidal thoughts. My pdoc wants to stay away from the AD's.(they didn't help anyway) I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2 with mixed states and rapid cycling with GAD. I also fit the description of Borderline Personality to a T. I had horrible side effects from Seroquel and Abilify so he said we need to stear clear of the antipsycotics. Had a bad reaction to Lithium also so that's out. My pdoc wants to concentrate on the mood stablizers. He put me on only Klonopin for a week and a half to give me relief and let my body clear itself of all the other meds that I've tried that caused bad side effects. He wanted me to start with a clean slate when we started the mood stablizers so we would know if the side effects I might have from the new medicine were indeed from the new med and not from the old. We started this and the Klonopin on the 20th. On the 29th I called him and told him I think I needed to go back into the hospital and told him how I was feeling. He set it up and I went in. No help. That post is on psycho-babble under "Hospitalized and feel worse!" After 3 days in the mental hospital without the Klonopin (they were totally anti-Klonopin) they started me on 1000mg of Depakote. So far, no good. I know it takes a while, but we all don't have "a while" when each minute feels like an eternity. I'll see my pdoc tomorrow morning and we'll go from there. The problem with being their mommy whether sick or not is that I'm not being a good mommy. I'm not there for them. All I want to do is sleep. When I'm not asleep I stay in my own world with my ipod on looking on the net for some more info on my sickness. Psycho-babble has become my addiction right now and I check my email every couple hours to see if anything new has come up. The music somehow comforts me. As for the rest of the world, family included, I want to be left alone. I have 3 children and a 14 year old stepdaughter. My youngest is a 3 year old boy, then there's my 6 year old boy, and then my 11 year old girl. Before I got bad sick, I use to cry at work and feel bad all the time for not being home with them. Not being able to do more for them because I was so tired from work. I wanted to be the "soccer mom" and drive them to and from school and make them cookies and take them to the park and play with them. They were my world. Since January, my world seems to be gone. I don't feel any love inside me for anyone and that kills me. That is at the heart of my guilt and thoughts of suicide. I'm not loving or compassionate anymore. Just ill and irritable. Crabby and snappy. I hate thinking that they might think that I don't love them and this is causing them to become dysfuncional in the future. I always wanted to help them to become the best person they could be. All of them are VERY talented. But as for the last 4 months they've just been holding their own. My husband loves them, but not like a mommy does. He's been so ill and stressed about me and our bills that he's even lashing out at them. Once again, I feel this is my fault. Thank you for all of your posts. CEK
Posted by B2chica on May 9, 2006, at 13:14:20
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide B2chica, posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 12:24:53
first i am glad that you have a supportive pdoc and T. although i realize it's not helping you right now, it's good to know they are in place and hopefully doing their job to help you. you just seem like you are suffering so much and it just shouldn't be that way.
you have tried quite a few AD's, what about TCA's, moai's or even zyprexa (though i know your pdoc said to stay awawy from AP).
and it's weird about hospitals. if you aren't on any medication they berrate you for needing to 'grow up' and learn you must take medication and regularly, but if you KNOW you need it and request it they talk to you like you're an addict....i've never liked that one bit.i'm sorry you feel you aren't being 'all you can' for your kids when you talk about always sleeping or listening to ipod, i see myself.
>> I don't feel any love inside me for anyone and that kills me. That is at the heart of my guilt and thoughts of suicide.>>
one good thing is you've identified your source of pain. (one of them anyway). this may not sound like much but mine was deep below the surface and when my source of pain finally emerged, although it didn't help the pain go away, at least it had a name. something i could fight against. i hope it can do the same for you.it seems to me to be such a vicious cycle. not being there for loved ones, depresses more, less able, more depression, etc.
and don't for a second think that you can't help them become the best person they can be. you may not say much but even by something as simple as saying you love them, give them a hug once and a while, even telling them that you aren't feeling very well. you are helping them become a caring, understanding person. they will grow with compassion for others....because of their mother.
and stress happens, it is NOT your fault what your husband does. even if it's your responsibilty to pay the bill and it's not being done...you don't deserve to die for this.((((((((((((CEK)))))))))))))))
i am so sorry you are hurting so much. i know my words aren't comfort but know i care.
you're in my thoughts.b2c.
Posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 15:51:58
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide B2chica » CEK, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2006, at 13:14:20
Posted by Declan on May 10, 2006, at 20:29:57
In reply to Re: Addressing suicide » Declan, posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 6:48:44
Hey, someone replied to me. I don't come here so much; it's only now I've found your post.
When things get very bad it is easy to empathise with those people (usually women) who kill themselves and their children to protect them. And then if you can't cope, can't make money, but can only use it up, that doesn't help. I am constantly impressed by the human capacity for suffering; yet we seem to be able to do so little about it. But as you say, we need not worry about hell...that sort of God is beyond belief, and if not, beyond endurance.
Declan
This is the end of the thread.
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