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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
Dear "X":
Today was a really hard day. I'm sorry for that. I feel so out of control.
Therapy has been so intense lately and I know I've been nothing but a brat. I get upset at the smallest things and you can't step right or left without my toes being in the way to crush. I'm underfoot, clinging, emotionally demanding and impossible to please. I cry all the time, threaten to cancel sessions, come late, want to bolt early and leave stupid voice mail messages telling you how wrong everything is, and then leave another telling you I'm sorry for leaving the first one. And then I turn off my phone so you can't call me back.
I watch myself do all of this and I can't seem to help it. I just hate it. You tell me to be honest but I hate that honest means being upset with you. You tell me you can take it, but I'm terrified all the time that you are going to get angry and push back. It is a push/pull, go away/please stay, I love you/I hate you feeling. Your answer is "keep coming and we'll talk about it." Your answer is that "we have to go through this, together, to get to the healing side." Your answer is "this is a journey we are on and sometimes we'll get lost but we will find our way." Your answer is "trust me."
I'm trying. I really am. So please don't leave me even as I push you away. Please don't leave me even when I say I don't need you. And don't leave me when I tell you you are making it all worse. I'm just so angry right now.
But I'm trying.
I really am.
I'm just hurting.
I still need you.
Please, don't leave me.
Thanks...daisy
I wish I could send this. I wish I could fix this. I wish I felt safe again. :(
Posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 1:15:00
In reply to A letter to my therapist, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
(((Daisy)))
Sounds like you know he's there for you, but want the reassurance that he'll be there for you no matter how much you push. Sounds like he will, it's been such a good relationship, and you've both been so strong.Sounds like a really difficult time, really frustrating, really painful. Do you think he knows?
fw
Posted by Tanzanite on March 8, 2006, at 2:05:18
In reply to A letter to my therapist, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
(((Daisy)))
Could you share some of this with your therapist? I am still just learning. I hope you will be all right Daisy. I hope you can come to terms and find some kind of way to be strong. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do something more to help. I always wish I could, but either way you are a great person. Remember that.
Tanzanite
Posted by madeline on March 8, 2006, at 7:32:52
In reply to A letter to my therapist, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
Daisy,
Again and again I am struck at how similar our situations seem to be. When I read your posts, or that night when we met in chat, your words could be mine. Maybe we both can find some comfort in that, I don't know. But you are most definately not the only one that feels the way you do about life, therapy, relationships.
One thing that I did that really helped me in therapy was to consciously decide to trust my therapist no matter what was going on inside my head.
It sounds so simple doesn't it?
I'm going to trust my therapist. I'm going to believe him when he says he is not going to leave me. I am going to believe him when he says he is not going to violate the boundaries between us. I am going to let him apologize for making mistakes and let him accept my apologies. I am going to know that it is alright if he hurts me a little because the relationship is strong enough to tolerate it and I can soothe myself. I am not going to run and he isn't either. I am going to be as open as I can be and LET him go through all of the hurt with me. I am NOT going to be alone.
At first, I felt like a feral cat trying to decide whether to accept
a dish of food on a backporch, when all of its instincts just said RUN! YOU IDIOT! RUN!But now, I not only eat the food, I let him "pet" me occasionally and it feels so nice.
We even use that analogy in therapy to describe where I am. I'm a big cat person.
Maybe you could try to make a decision like that. It might alleviate some of the neediness and uncertainty you feel.
It isn't easy and sometimes I just have to totally fake it. But I haven't regretted a minute of that decision.Good luck, ((((((((((((DAISY))))))))))
Maddie
Posted by fallsfall on March 8, 2006, at 7:51:57
In reply to A letter to my therapist, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
Definately give him the letter. It is so clear and true.
He will be there for you, just like the falls keep falling.
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 8, 2006, at 8:41:03
In reply to A letter to my therapist, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
I also vote for giving him the letter, although I know how scary that must seem to you.
I wish I could tell you how to "fix" it, but I can't.
Posted by B2chica on March 8, 2006, at 10:43:27
In reply to A letter to my therapist, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
((((((((daisy))))))))))
i hope you can share as much as you feel comfortable. you have expressed yourself quite well in the letter.
Posted by Dinah on March 8, 2006, at 11:23:26
In reply to A letter to my therapist, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
Wow. I could have written that.
I'll bet your therapist understands. My therapist does.
Posted by LadyBug on March 8, 2006, at 20:46:01
In reply to A letter to my therapist, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2006, at 0:49:48
I can feel your frustration and I think you said it well. I bet he would love it if you shared this letter with him. I know he would understand and help you talk about it. I wish you could feel better soon but I know it's not that easy.... keep trying ok, it's got to get better. It has taken me 9 years of working with my T. to get past some of the pain. It still comes up, but I can relate to your feelings very much. It will get better, it just hurts like heck and takes a lot of time and a lot of work!!!! Take care of Daisy ok?
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by Daisym on March 10, 2006, at 0:29:26
In reply to Re: A letter to my therapist » Daisym, posted by LadyBug on March 8, 2006, at 20:46:01
Thank you all for the support and the push to give the letter to my therapist. I did...and he said he was glad I could tell him how I felt. He said he wanted me to be honest and he encouraged me to really tell him how upset I've been feeling, even if it scared me. We did talk about how scary it is to be mad at him, I'm convinced that he is going to get sick of this and send me away.
Today we talked about what I expect when I'm mad at him. I keep waiting for him to get mad at me back...and I have this vision of him using what he knows about me to hurt me. He said he has been known to yell, but pretty much only at his kids. He grinned when I said I felt like one of those some times.
We also talked about the group starting next week. He asked me if I had any feelings about working with a female therapist -- was I looking forward to getting a different perspective or new ideas? I actually hadn't spent much time thinking about what a new therapist might mean, I was more focused on the group itself. I have said, in the past, that I don't want anyone criticizing how I'm doing therapy or how often I see him, etc. I asked him how he was feeling about it and he said he had just a little bit of anxiety about it as well, for similiar reasons. He sort of laughed at himself and said there is always a small amount of therapist/therapist competition, but mostly he was glad to have someone else on our team that might help me. I promised not to like her better. He laughed.
One of the nicest things we talked about today was the meaning of his talisman for me. On and off for the past two years I've had it to help me hang on to him between sessions. Today I tried to explain to him that I wanted it for two reasons. The first is that somehow I think that if for some reason he decides he is done, he has to see me at least one more time to get it back. The other is that if, God Forbid, he never comes back, I have a piece of him forever. Now we could all poke holes in these reasons easily enough. But to the youngest part of me they make perfect sense. I started to cry when I explained to him that the most powerful reason it meant so much to me was because the first time he gave it to me was the first time anyone had ever recognized my fear of abandonment, had really understood its depth, and had ever tried to soothe this huge fear. The first time he gave it to me he had put his picture in it, just before he left for a vacation. I've loved it ever since. I did say that I knew these were all pretty silly reasons and if he wanted me to give it back, I would. He said that all made perfect sense to him and it didn't sound immature or silly. He reminded me that the most critical piece of my therapy was for me to learn to ask for what I needed and wanted, just because it was good for me. And I was doing that around his talisman, so he felt that was a really good thing. And he said he did know how hard it was for me to ask, because the adult gatekeeper was mortified to have these needs. So I got a star for asking.
It was a pretty good end to another hard week. But it is still so painful tonight to have all these intense fears and needs and wants. I guess I just can't be satisfied, can I?
Posted by Racer on March 10, 2006, at 1:42:45
In reply to Follow Up, posted by Daisym on March 10, 2006, at 0:29:26
When I read this, the first thing that struck me? "I'll bet if anyone does say anything about how Daisy's doing therapy, it's gonna be 'gee, I wish I could do therapy that often...'"
You know why? That's part of how I feel, a lot. I wish I could have therapy more than once a week, plus the group every other week. It seems as though I'd get more done, faster. I wish I had the courage to ask my therapist for something to hold onto between sessions. I wish she had something to hand over to me to hold as a talisman. I wish I felt more of a need for her, if it comes down to that.
And the rational adult -- the one who can be expressed as a ratio, that is -- says: how you do therapy is the way that works for you. That's the right way. Whatever it is for you.
Although I'm not sure if I can be expressed as a ratio -- guess I better put the math text away...
(And you'll be proud of me -- I successfully resisted the temptation to go and look up my exam results online, since they probably won't be up until tomorrow... And that was *hard*)
:-D Be well, brave Daisy.
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 10, 2006, at 8:43:41
In reply to About people criticising the way you do therapy » Daisym, posted by Racer on March 10, 2006, at 1:42:45
Daisy, I'm so glad you decided to share the letter with him. And I'm even more glad that his response didn't disappoint.
I wish you peace -- of mind and of heart -- and soon.
Posted by fairywings on March 10, 2006, at 13:02:24
In reply to Follow Up, posted by Daisym on March 10, 2006, at 0:29:26
He's a wonderful T Daisy, I'm glad you can open up to him, and it's kinda cool that he got a little "jealous" of the other T. ; ) He won't leave you or push you away, if he was that kind of T he'd already have done it. Some T's just don't seem to be made for the long haul, others seem to be specifically made for it.It's good that he's so good at understanding why you want a piece of him to hold onto. I think all of us would like that - seems incredibly normal to me. And as for feeling like one of his kids, in a way you are, don't you think? Isn't part of what some of us are doing is reparenting? I'm glad you were able to ask for the talisman, but..........I sure don't think I'D be offering it back!!!
fw
Posted by milly on March 10, 2006, at 14:49:10
In reply to Re: Follow Up » Daisym, posted by fairywings on March 10, 2006, at 13:02:24
I'm so glad you shared that letter, it was so well put and was so honest.
I'm jealous you've got something to hold on to but good for you for asking for it
milly
Posted by annierose on March 10, 2006, at 15:11:00
In reply to Follow Up, posted by Daisym on March 10, 2006, at 0:29:26
Daisy -
Yes, it's scary to be mad at our T's. I always fear that she won't like me if I'm mad at her. I think you and your T are dancing like the stars these days, making all the right moves and dips. It's wonderful.
I do hope you get to hold on to the talisman for as long as you want. Your reasons sound perfectly valid, and would be true for me too. I'm glad he gave it to you.
I like that he admits to being a teeny bit jealous of you seeing a different T. It can never take away from what the two of you built up over the years. Plus the frequency in which you see him makes it a very special type of theraputic relationship. So I applaud you for exploring the group for a different type of support network, certainly not the same as one on one therapy, but valuable in a different way. I'm excited for you.
Yes, I know how painful these needs, wants and fears are. It really s*cks sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could just push them out of my mind, but they are consuming my brain space at the moment.
I hope your weekend flies by with no worries.
Thank you for all your suuport!!
Posted by rubenstein on March 10, 2006, at 15:55:06
In reply to Follow Up, posted by Daisym on March 10, 2006, at 0:29:26
Thanks for sharing Daisy. I am facing many of the same issues with my therapist. So many of the things you said made so much sense to me.
Thanks
rachel
Posted by happyflower on March 10, 2006, at 19:18:50
In reply to Re: Follow Up, posted by rubenstein on March 10, 2006, at 15:55:06
You truely amaze me on how brave you can be with your T . I am glad you have such an awesome T, someone to trust and lean on.
For the longest time I was so jealous of you that your T gave you something to borrow for support. But now my T burned me 2 of his favorite CD's . I do treasure that so much, he is also a sweetie. I guess we can do this one day at a time, right? :-) I think I have simular feelings for my T as you do, plus maybe a few extras LOL Have a good night, sweet Daisyflower.
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