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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
Do therapists lie to their clients? Has a T ever lied to you?
Posted by alexis6 on September 24, 2004, at 19:58:57
In reply to Do therapists lie?, posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
Hmm...I don't know if they would lie over anything major, like a diagnosis to spare your feelings, but I'm pretty sure they make up little stories to make you feel at ease. My previous T was trying to get me to admit to having an eating issue, and he told me clearly fabricated little tales about how
"when I was really depressed and in college, I would smoke a TON of pot, and listen to Pink Floyd, and eat, like, a WHOLE BAG of oreos....and oh, by the way, do you ever do anything like that?"
It was pretty transparent and I think it qualifies as lying. He grew up as a Mennonite and didn't even see a film until he was 25, so I was a bit embarassed for him that he thought I'd buy it.
Posted by mair on September 24, 2004, at 22:17:50
In reply to Do therapists lie?, posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
I think my T would probably be a pretty awful liar. I can think of a time or two when i've asked her questions which she's had to pause before answering because I've sensed that she was trying to answer in a way which was truthful, but maybe incomplete.
Having said that, I'm pretty sure she lied to me once when i made a more personal remark about her own demeanor and she gave me an explanation abut why she had been looking so tired which just didn't ring true to me. I think there was some personal stuff going on which she didn't want to reveal and was none of my business anyway.
Posted by shortelise on September 24, 2004, at 23:58:13
In reply to Do therapists lie?, posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
A couple of years ago, I would have said YES!, that my T lies to me all the time, that he wants me to go away but can't tell me so, that he hates me and won't admit it, blah blah blah.
Now that I'm way more advanced (grin), I would say that he hasn't ever lied to me, but he has skirted the truth.
At times he has answered my questions with questions, has transformed my questions into, now that I consider it, question that he could answer.
He has once in a while said that he can't answer something, that he doesn't know how to answer.
But lie? Maybe he has, maybe not. I think I'll ask him.
ShortE
Posted by mair on September 25, 2004, at 8:44:56
In reply to Re: Do therapists lie?, posted by shortelise on September 24, 2004, at 23:58:13
Yikes ShortE
I never even thought of all the times my T has said nice things about me which I didn't believe. You know the stuff about how much she likes me and likes working with me, and how much she denies feeling that she'd be better off if she could find a way to shift me over to another therapist. I'd had that same kind of reaction my kids used to have when I'd complement them and they'd say "you have to say that because you're my mother."
Maybe she doesn't lie so much but I might say she can grossly exagerate, and certainly our opinions can diverge. (;
Posted by Angela2 on September 25, 2004, at 11:10:42
In reply to Do therapists lie?, posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
Sometimes I wish my therapist would lie to me. She is very honest with how she feels. But I know that if she did I wouldn't trust her.
Posted by Poet on September 25, 2004, at 14:02:54
In reply to Do therapists lie?, posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
The last time I accused her of lying, she sat forward, told me to look directly into her eyes and said I won't willingly abandon you. I believed those eyes, so I would have to say she doesn't lie to me.
Poet
Posted by Skittles on September 25, 2004, at 18:16:23
In reply to Re: Do therapists lie? » shrinking violet, posted by Poet on September 25, 2004, at 14:02:54
I think what your T said was the most beautiful thing ever. I would weep like a baby if mine said that to me. I wish she would. I think it's the one thing I need most to hear. I know I still have a wall built when it comes to her and I am pretty sure it would come crashing down at those words.
Posted by Dinah on September 25, 2004, at 23:51:15
In reply to Do therapists lie?, posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
I believe mine when he says he doesn't lie. I see his struggle to say nothing untrue all too clearly. But he doesn't always tell the truth either. Which is a very very good thing, I think.
Posted by crazymaisie on September 26, 2004, at 5:08:46
In reply to Do therapists lie?, posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
hi SV
i think the short answer to this, for me, has been yes. my T has lied to me on occasion and has been economical with the truth on others. we're working on this now, though. i am really pushing her to be as truthful as she can be at all times. i know this is hard for her and goes against her instincts at times, but she is being really great about responding to what i feel i need from her. i should say that she hasn't lied about big stuff, and that part of the reason that i need this from her is that i'm able to tell if she is being evasive or less than completely open with me, so our relationship needs that kind of all out honesty if it's going to work.
can i ask why you're asking this? and have you talked to her about it?
hope you're doing well
maisie
Posted by shrinking violet on September 26, 2004, at 18:47:44
In reply to Do therapists lie?, posted by shrinking violet on September 24, 2004, at 19:30:44
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I'm not sure why I'm asking this now.....I don't have a specific reason or event. I guess it was triggered when I read a thread on this board about how someone's T told this client that it would be ok to contact her afterwards, etc, and then when the client wrote letters, the client later found them in her file unopened (sorry, I can't right off remember whose post it was!). My T has said that she hopes to hear from me, that if I'm "good to her" I'll write her and let her know how I'm doing, and maybe visit once in a while, etc. That was a small consolation that somehow I could keep her in my life some way after we terminate, but now I'm wondering if she really means it. And I'm worried that it might be something that eventually burns itself out.....either she won't respond so I'll stop writing, or she'll ask me to stop writing, or.....well, you get the idea. :-( My T means a lot to me, probably more as a person than as a T, and the thought of possibly never seeing her or hearing from her again is very painful.
And, I have always suspected that she has lied, once in particular earlier this year, although she denies it. Even if she did lie, it wasn't that huge of a deal given the circumstance, but I just wish she'd tell me the truth. I also keep thinking that she really is sick of working with me, that she was disappointed when I rescheduled with her for next week (after I cancelled the past couple of sessions) even though she says she isn't. I hate never knowing whether what someone says is actually true. I mean, how do you KNOW?
Anyway, thanks everyone.
Posted by 10derHeart on September 26, 2004, at 23:23:02
In reply to Re: Do therapists lie? ....to everyone, posted by shrinking violet on September 26, 2004, at 18:47:44
This is the thread. http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/393561.html
I guess we can never 100% KNOW what another person will do in the future, even our Ts. But, FWIW, the only approach that *might* make it better is to talk openly to your T. before termination and really make sure she knows how important this is to you. Sounds like the two of you have already made a good start.
That's sort of what I did, although we should have talked more. We just barely touched on what he would do, in fact, his hesitation and talking around it a bit showed me he was not quite sure of the right answer. It's not easy for them either, I suppose. I did know it would be okay to write/email - no doubts about his sincerity b/c he did specific things to be sure I had his email and snail mail addresses. That was unbelievably important to the whole relationship, as other posters have said, I'm not sure how I would have dealt with the shattering of trust if he hadn't been true to his word. My T has 15+ yrs. experience and is uncommonly tuned in to what each person needs from him, IMH (but biased!)opinion, so I am fortunate.
I know how these doubts must go round and round in your head. Just try to talk to her more - and try not to wait too long in case it's hard (what isn't?) I know with me I had to write it down - I was so scared to say it to him. It was a raw, emotional subject at our last session, but once it was out it was a huge relief. I didn't know what he would say. I hoped, and luckily he is flexible and easy-going with this. We shall see, though. Only just got first email, and can already feel how that reactivates a lot of the grief I've already worked through when he left 3 months ago. But, I have a hunch it'll be worth it. The joy of any sporadic contact will far outweigh the tears and I can't worry about the *what ifs*. He was with me through a tough, scary part of my life. Why, as long as there is no apparent harm, should either of us have to act as if the other person dropped off the earth?
But I can see this wouldn't work for all. It's a difficult, delicate thing, I think. Think positive - I'm praying for a good outcome for you.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 27, 2004, at 18:26:35
In reply to Re: Do therapists lie? ....to everyone » shrinking violet, posted by 10derHeart on September 26, 2004, at 23:23:02
Posted by Lonely on September 27, 2004, at 20:59:13
In reply to Re: Do therapists lie?, posted by alexis6 on September 24, 2004, at 19:58:57
Are you kidding? A Mennonite background? I'm totally amazed and very curious because I come from a somewhat similar background and have never found or heard of anyone from that type of background practicing psychotherapy before. What's it like with him? Has he ever told you how his background affected him? Can you mention what general part of the country he's in? If not, please ignore that question and my apologies for being too intrusive. I'm just astounded. I didn't see a movie until I was 16 and even then had to really do some major negotiating with my mother. My mom still is opposed to make-up and movies and coloring my hair, etc. A totally different world so I'm really wondering about a lot of things.
> Hmm...I don't know if they would lie over anything major, like a diagnosis to spare your feelings, but I'm pretty sure they make up little stories to make you feel at ease. My previous T was trying to get me to admit to having an eating issue, and he told me clearly fabricated little tales about how
>
> "when I was really depressed and in college, I would smoke a TON of pot, and listen to Pink Floyd, and eat, like, a WHOLE BAG of oreos....and oh, by the way, do you ever do anything like that?"
>
> It was pretty transparent and I think it qualifies as lying. He grew up as a Mennonite and didn't even see a film until he was 25, so I was a bit embarassed for him that he thought I'd buy it.
Posted by alexis6 on September 29, 2004, at 14:25:48
In reply to Re: Do therapists lie? Slightly off topic » alexis6, posted by Lonely on September 27, 2004, at 20:59:13
Hi there,
It is sort of funny, how wild that you had a similar upbringing! I'm in Canada, in BC, not so sure where he grew up. I was really shocked when he told me about the restrictions it placed on his childhood, he probably felt pretty isolated. He seemed angry about it to me-he told me that as he got older, he started rebelling a lot and would even get up and yell in church when they said something offensive or reactionary. Surprising to me because he seemed really quiet, dark horse I guess. I thought it was cool that he managed to deprogram himself.
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