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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by underthecs on August 15, 2004, at 17:08:08
Ok, so I tell my therapist all the time that I am quitting and NEVER coming back. The last time I quit was through email, when I asked him to take me off his schedule and send me a copy of my file. He took me off his schedule the SAME day I asked him to (I say I'm quitting a lot, but he's never done that before). Anyway, he sent me a polite and professional (short and cold) response that he had to write up a treatment summary and send me a termination letter before he could make the file available. So I hear the word "termination" and totally freak out the next day and tell him I'm coming back to therapy and not to cancel me. But he is out of town and doesn't put me back on his schedule until Monday when he gets back in town. But he puts me back on the schedule and forgets that one of the weeks I changed my regular day to another day due to a scheduling conflict with work/school. Anyway, he puts me for the same day every week, and forgot the week where I was supposed to be on a different day. So I show up and he's not there. He was apologetic, but still. I've been pretty pissed ever since. Though I'm not sure how that relates to what I'm about to say, which was the whole point of my post in the first place. I know this all sounds muddled up but this is as clear as I can be.
I have been having horrible, horrible anxiety...BUT only at night. Once I start thinking about how tired I am and how I can go to bed and get some sleep, the anxiety kicks in with a vengeance. And I have been functioning this last week on 2 to 4 hours of sleep per night, tops. Because of the anxiety. So anyway, I wake up about 3am one morning and send him an email. A long email. I did not expect him to really answer it thoroughly given the length, but I thought he would at least ACKNOWLEDGE it. Oh but no! Instead, he emails me 2 days later to say he's "just checking in" and then proceeds to tell me that his mother is in town and he's doing this or that... and I am so pissed that he did not even ACKNOWLEDGE my email because he's too busy going about his stupid happy life... like i wanted to hear about that during my situation. what a jerk! i mean, he always lets me email him and most of the time he answers. and lately he has been "checking in" with me through email regularly. but then he slacks off and it's not regular anymore after i've gotten use to it. i just hate him so much right now. i told him i hated him and i even wished death on him. i do that a lot. he won't respond to that though. he acts like it's nothing. i really do hate him. i guess what i'm saying is he's inconsistent and it causes me problems. but he doesn't get that. he just tries to do as much as he can, especially if i am in a bad place. but when he thinks i am okay (which seems like never to me), he will slack off... like i don't notice. so i sent him another email today saying i quit. we'll see what i get back.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 15, 2004, at 19:08:38
In reply to I quit therapy (again), posted by underthecs on August 15, 2004, at 17:08:08
Wow, this sounds like quite a turbulent relationship. I'm sorry it's so stressful. Do you and your T talk about this pattern when you return? How do you feel about it? It sounds kind of exhausting.
Also, I can SO relate to what you are going through with sleep anxiety. I recently upped my AD dose, and it led to severe restlessness, insomnia, and basically feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. I took it down a bit, and the restlessness has gone away, but the insomnia (early awakening) is there. When I wake up at 4:00 am everyday, I can get anxious about not getting back to sleep. I've been getting 4-5 hours of sleep per night. I can't seem to sleep past 4, for some reason. It's gotten a bit better in that at least I can stay in bed and read or daydream or meditate. So I tell myself I am at least getting some rest, but I'm getting too old for this! I'm tired, darn it!
It is like a vicious cycle, though. I tried some herbal tea called Tension Tamer with chammomile and ginger and other stuff in it. That helped a bit. I am thinking I might keep some in a thermos by my bed and try it in the morning if I wake up early again. I also cut out all caffeine, because I couldn't really tolerate it. I think that helped the sleep, too.
Do you have a pdoc? Could your sleep trouble be related to a med change like mine? How is your thyroid? Mine was recently hyperthyroid as well, so between that and the med, I was not in good shape for sleep.
Take care, and I hope it gets better.
gg
Posted by underthecs on August 15, 2004, at 19:26:44
In reply to Re: I quit therapy (again) » underthecs, posted by gardenergirl on August 15, 2004, at 19:08:38
It is pretty turbulent, but I bring it on myself, I think. No, it doesn't really get talked about and he doesn't push. Even when I tell him he SHOULD push a little. I just don't think he has it in him. I was really okay until I heard that his mother was in town and it just made me SO jealous. I've said that before, but it's so uncomfortable to talk about that I don't, and he doesn't push. I mean, if I were to tell him we MUST talk about (fill in the blank w/whatever here), then he will try. But I am very good at shutting him down and sabatoging therapy. I'm a horrible client!
Re: not being able to sleep. I've been almost a daily pot smoker and (less often) a binge drinker. So when I completely stop both of those, the anxiety drives me mad. Like you said... feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin. And then I remember why I used so often in the first place. I am taking Lexapro and Buspar. But what really helps are the benzos... but due to my abuse of them, I can't take them anymore. So I have all of this anxiety with just no outlet for it. So I sit and wait for him to screw up, I guess, so I can go for the jugular. I won't say here all the really mean and horrible things I've emailed to him the last couple of days. Pretty bad though. But actually, other than that scheduling mistake, he hasn't missed a visit in our nearly 2 years together. And he is available by phone anytime I need him. He is always willing to fit me into his schedule when I need it. But I just go so insanely jealous of him having a life that does not revolve around ME. I've told him this, but there's just not much to talk about. I mean, it is what it is and there's no solution. oh well...
Posted by shrinking violet on August 15, 2004, at 20:24:59
In reply to Re: I quit therapy (again), posted by underthecs on August 15, 2004, at 19:26:44
Wow, I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
I think you should talk to your T about this issue. He sounds like he tries to be there for you, and as available as he can outside of session (which most T's won't do, so that in itself is something to value). Perhaps allowing you to email him is doing you more harm than good.
Try to talk about this with him. I know it's hard, but this situation doesn't sound good or beneficial to either of you. I get angry at my T a lot; I usually send her a seething email after sessions are over. After I've calmed down and re-read them, I feel so guilty (because she really doesn't deserve the crap I throw at her) and it isn't her fault I always interpret things in a negative way, or cant let myself feel/express anger or frustration while I'm actually in front of her. I'm trying to not do this anymore because I end up calling her (or emailing her) crying and apologizing profusely, and I know my anger really isn't at her (or if it is, it isnt warranted to that extent). I also know my anger hurts her, and that's the last thing I want to do.
Anyway, you should talk to your T about all of this. Maybe write about it and read it to him in session, if just talking openly seems too daunting.
Good luck. I hope it gets better for you.
Posted by Susan47 on August 16, 2004, at 12:12:55
In reply to Re: I quit therapy (again), posted by underthecs on August 15, 2004, at 19:26:44
I was feeling guilty about being a pain in the b*** to my ex-T, and after reading your posts, although I knew I was angry with him, I didn't realize how destructive the anger was to therapy. I wonder if I expected him to do all the emotional pick-up work, while I just dumped. I used to phone my poor T's answering machine and leave all kinds of messages; any range of emotion I was feeling that felt too heavy to carry, I dumped.
I know he had to be invulnerable to much of it, or how could he survive? Can you imagine several patients doing that to a T at once? Ouchie.
Just a thought.
Posted by underthecs on August 16, 2004, at 12:19:38
In reply to Re: I quit therapy:for underthecs, posted by Susan47 on August 16, 2004, at 12:12:55
yeah, that's totally what I do. I just can't seem to stop, and once it starts going it just takes on a life of it's own. And today I feel really stupid for doing it and I don't want to go back.
Posted by underthecs on August 16, 2004, at 12:30:46
In reply to Re: I quit therapy:for underthecs » Susan47, posted by underthecs on August 16, 2004, at 12:19:38
To his credit, when he emailed me back, after being a jerk for part of it, he did say:
"I did not abandon you this weekend because my family was in town, but I know it feels like that to you. I do not abandon you when I travel, but I know it feels like that to you. I do not abandon you when I can't respond to your emails in the time frame in which you want them responded to, but I know it feels like that to you. I have been steadfast in working with you for almost two years and I think you know that. I have stood by you through thick and thin and will continue to do so."
But still... ok, maybe me calling him a narcissistic bast**d was rude and uncalled for (well, that's what he said, anyway). But I get going and then I just have to go for the jugular. And at this point, it's hard to remember why I was really mad in the first place. I just hate not being more important to him than I am. It just KILLS me. And there's nothing that can be done about it. It's not like there's a pill to fix it. It's not like therapy has the answer either. I dunno...
Posted by lucy stone on August 16, 2004, at 16:12:23
In reply to Re: I quit therapy/To His Credit, posted by underthecs on August 16, 2004, at 12:30:46
Speaking for myself, I think therapy can be the answer to all this, or at least part of the answer. I think I have many of the same issues that you have, rage needed a dumping ground, the urge to lash out and let the rage find a target, and the burning need to be important to my T. These things are all getting better thanks to his kind and patient work. I know that I am a challenging patient, but I want to be. I think (or used to think) that at least I made an impression on him, even if it was a negative impression. Over the last 4 years we have been working on why I act this way. Why all the rage? Why the need of a target? Who's attention and I trying to be by being so mean and hateful? Why do I fanatisize about being his number one most special patient, and what would it get me if I was? I've come to learn that I have him at a central point in a fantasy, one that I have put others in before. We are gradually working our way of this and my life is getting better. In my experience, sticking with the therapy and working on these issues has been the answer and I hope it can be the answer for you. There is a reason why you act like this, a good reason, and he can help you find out what it is. I have one piece of advice that I give to everyone who will listen...it's OK to write those venting emails, but it might be a good idea to sit on them for a bit before you send them. Wait a few hours or days, re-read them, and decide if you really want to send them. The venting can be good but on reflection you may decide that hitting "delete" instead of "send" is in your best interest.
Posted by Susan47 on August 16, 2004, at 18:00:57
In reply to Re: I quit therapy/To His Credit, posted by underthecs on August 16, 2004, at 12:30:46
Ouchie ouchie ouch, I can relate to what you're saying. I was falling in ... something, with my therapist, and it felt wrong and bad bad bad because I knew it had to be unreciprocated. I learned to be important to myself. I learned to see myself through new eyes. Well, okay, I'm still learning all that but it works. Can you try that? New contacts with people really helps. See how positively people respond when you're "acting as if"... whatever makes you feel good. Take that on as if it were really you, and pretty soon, it *is* you.
That works for me, but of course, seeing my therapist really unbalanced what was left of me at the time.
..... psst. He changed my life, but now I can't get him out of my head! That makes me so angry, what right does he have to be in there? How did he *get* there in the first place?
Posted by underthecs on August 17, 2004, at 21:40:13
In reply to Re: I quit therapy/To His Credit, posted by lucy stone on August 16, 2004, at 16:12:23
We have processed it, by email, and I think we both feel much better about it. This does need to be a focus of my therapy but I am not exactly a cooperative collaborator. But things seems much brighter today. My therapist actually took a huge risk and made sure I understood that I am important to him; that I do matter. And that has somehow calmed the rage (till next time anyway).Thanks to everyone who replied. I really needed the support.
Posted by Susan47 on August 18, 2004, at 22:10:36
In reply to Update, posted by underthecs on August 17, 2004, at 21:40:13
Psst, underthecs,
Just a thought, this helped me process stuff.. when you feel angry and disappointed in him, there's a couple of ways you can deal with it, and one thing that really helps is to remember how you felt when you wrote,
"My therapist actually took a huge risk and made sure I understood that I am important to him; that I do matter."
Add other times he's come through for you to this memory, make it one big impression, and *work* on it because it beats hurting yourself. (And possibly your T, I wouldn't know, never been there but I'm guessing they're human:))
Posted by gardenergirl on August 19, 2004, at 10:25:52
In reply to Update, posted by underthecs on August 17, 2004, at 21:40:13
I'm glad to hear that things look better. Here's to a continued productive relationship.
Take care,
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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