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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on July 6, 2004, at 20:55:39
Just before I went into hibernation, I think I remember you asking me about the therapy topic of isolation? How being with people may cause too much pain? I can't find it now, and I may be way off.
If I recall correctly, and I'm not sure I do, the circumstances we discussed the topic wouldn't be the same as yours. I've been an introverted loner for most of my life, with family being about as much interaction as I can handle. I find human interaction overstimulating and stress inducing, as well as rewarding and lots of fun. Sometimes I get the urge to turn myself back to things and daydreams rather than people. For a lot of reasons. Things and daydreams don't upset me. And the specific aspect of pain we were discussing was the fluid nature of relationships.
Now mind you, I am a stable person in many ways (obviously not in other ways - grin). Other people change jobs, move, etc. etc. etc. But me, I'm always here. I'm about five miles from where I grew up. I've had the same job and the same boyfriend/husband for over twenty years. I'm close to my parents. If anyone asks what's new with me, the answer is usually not much. But other people move and grow and change. And I'm always the one who is left. I have a pattern with friends where I'm the "between relationships friend", or the "when I get back to town friend". They always know where to find me when they need me. And I'm always right here, happy to see them. My therapist has a nice way of saying it. He says that commitment is important to me. I say I'm a person who tends to fall in ruts. :)
But the thing is that I'm always the one who gets left, gets abandoned. Because I just never leave. I'm just here. Always here. So I never abandon, because how can I when I'm always right here and willing to have things be just as they always have been in friendship, jobs, life, whatever.
My therapist was telling me that that's the way all friendships are. Not just mine, or online ones, or anything personal to me. Things just always change. But that usually both people change and move on and friendships change or dissolve.
I dunno. I'm thinking about it. It's all a bit confusing to me.
Posted by terrics on July 6, 2004, at 21:15:55
In reply to Daisy?, posted by Dinah on July 6, 2004, at 20:55:39
Dinah, It's sad if what your T says is true. That friendships dissolve and then you have??? There are such things as lasting friendships. They change and stay the same. Do you think life is sad or happy or something in between or one more than the other? Is there value in life? I guess if you have kids there is value. I just don't get the point of it if you do not have kids. Oops guess I am in a bad mood. Where is Daisy? terrics
Posted by Dinah on July 7, 2004, at 10:41:18
In reply to Re: Daisy? » Dinah, posted by terrics on July 6, 2004, at 21:15:55
I think. I'm still not sure. But it might be connected with the fact that i cancelled therapy yesterday. And the strong feelings of depersonalization/derealization that i've been feeling near people. I don't know why it would be *that* upsetting though.
At any rate, it might not be that at all. My father is back in the hospital, my mother in law just got out. Neither are doing well. My dogs caught three rats in the backyard in the last week, which has made my husband impossible to live with. I've got work due at the end of this week, the end of next week, and the end of the week after that, I think. Stress is high, so naturally I am sleepy. Very sleepy. Maybe the derealization/depersonalization doesn't have anything to do with what we discussed in session, but is just a stress reaction.
Yet I still feel oddly unsettled by it.
Posted by daisym on July 8, 2004, at 0:20:18
In reply to Re: It was upsetting. » terrics, posted by Dinah on July 7, 2004, at 10:41:18
Dinah,
The post I responded to was on social but thanks for the follow up. It does sound like our issues are different in someways but I was painfully shy as a young child then I "snapped" out of it in 11th grade. Since then I've been more outgoing, and more willing to be a joiner. I still prefer to be in charge, to lead or facilitate. This gives me the control I need to hide my feelings and just use my head.
I think change is a part of life and relationships. But I think there are long term friendships or family ties that change, grow and get stronger. It is sad to be "left" in some ways. It is also hard to leave. We moved every 2 yrs. when I was a kid, up until high school, so I have a real thing about NOT going anywhere now. I like that my children have grown up in the same neighborhood all their lives. It is a topic in therapy a lot for me. Am I now pathologically stable?
I guess what I was wondering about is this idea of being alone in a crowd. I think being in therapy makes me want every conversation to "count." Partly because I'm in enough pain that I don't have much energy for "just" chatting. And partly because I have to monitor that some of my sadness doesn't sneak out and get seen. Especially at work. Isolating is easier and less stressful for these reasons. I feel lonely but I feel lonely with people anyway.
It is complicated, isn't it?
Posted by Dinah on July 8, 2004, at 8:41:22
In reply to Crawling back out of the hole, posted by daisym on July 8, 2004, at 0:20:18
> I think being in therapy makes me want every conversation to "count." Partly because I'm in enough pain that I don't have much energy for "just" chatting.
I think that's one of the big downsides of therapy. Most people just want to talk about what was on TV last night, or the latest local scandal. And honestly, most relationships do better on that level. :( Or at least that's my humble opinion.
> It is complicated, isn't it?
It sure is.
Posted by antigua on July 9, 2004, at 14:05:12
In reply to Crawling back out of the hole, posted by daisym on July 8, 2004, at 0:20:18
I'm glad you were able to crawl out; I was getting worried about you.
You brought up moving every two years when you were young. That struck a huge chord w/me. We moved all the time--every year or two after living in one house for five years. After my parents divorced I came to live w/my father and moved two more times in high school.
This is a really big issue for me. I never planned on moving my kids around because I wanted them to have the security that I never did, so we've lived in the same house for the last 14 years; it's the only home my younger two have ever known, and my older son has lived here 14 of 16 years. While that makes me feel good, I was hit w/an entirely different situation that I hadn't planned for: my children are afraid of change. When my son went on to HS he hated it, he just didn't like things being different. He does not like change. My other two are the same way. So I thought I was doing them a favor by staying put, but it has also made them afraid of change.
I'm certain that they will manage, it's just ironic to me. We have bought a new house (for the first time in 14 yrs I can actually imagine living somewhere different!) but we are going to rent it out until my son is out of highschool so he doesn't have to make the move. He will be moving on soon enough to college and I'm willing to do this for him.
Stability is really important to me since my early life was so chaotic.
I hope you're feeling better,
antigua
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